:* :* :* and many many more

Well, this is the last 2011 post.
I don't want to try and remember this past year, cause I'm sure I'll stay on the bad times. For a fact. So I'll just skip this part.

I will try to smile as I am writing this, even though I never felt uglier and more unwanted in my life. I think, maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, smiling and typing. Resolutions. Even though I put mine on my birthday I feel I much need a list right now.

It goes something like this:
1. smile more. (you can't change the people around you, you can however choose who you want to be with. choose wisely and don't let them ruin your life with their fake drama)
2. work on your body- on your health. (yes, actually believe that your body is a temple and that the power to live well, succeed and feel beautiful comes from within)
3. have more sex. (enjoy your single life as long as you want to keep it, gain experience, get closer with people without the fear of getting hurt or emotional)
4. work for your grades. (potential is what you have. now fucking delete all these series from your laptop, stop whining and spend your time doing constructive things for biology)
5. have a tattoo. (nuff said)
6. never stop dreaming but don't be afraid to live your dreams when time comes (x2)

7. (like what? you think I wouldn't number this?) loose weight. get what you want, this 55 on the scale, these collarbones, a bigger thigh gap, a less puffy face. a perfect-feeling body leads to perfect clothes which leads to a perfect smile on my face. so here we are on number one again. this is life.

-->be the queen of your life. like, seriously<--

HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY LOVELIES*

S.a.d. just a little

Fucking great. Alone in the house, again. Looking at an expensive photo frame with a very old photo from my birthday. I remember this birthday, my dress was so lovely. I was 10, maybe 11. But much stronger I remember the day this picture was put into that frame. It's an expensive frame, there was no reason for this picture put in it.

But there was. Ten years ago, a Saturday (maybe Sunday) morning. My father was in the house (Wednesdays and weekends only, as he works far away from home). It was one of these weight in's mornings, he reminded me. Every two days, in the morning. I had gained. Everybody saw. I burst into tears... No one could make me stop crying, so my mum sat me down, gave me this beautiful photo frame and helped me choose a nice photo to put in it. Nice try, although it did not make me feel much better.

December 2011. I once again regret coming home so many days for holidays, even though I'm staying the least I could. My body feels sick, I won't be able to fit in my dress on New Year's Eve. My mind keeps multi tasking, anything away from here. Everyone here has this everyday life, far different from mine. I look inferior. I feel inferior. I feel many other things, that I am trying to suppress. It's kinda sad my year ends with guilt and sadness once again, but oh well...

*at least a resolution post is coming up next

Breathe deep

A rather late Merry Christmas to you all :)
I am posting from my parent's house, where I grew up. Holidays like this bring the family all together. Everyone is here and we got a bunny, too. I am baby-bunny sitting for a week, he is gorgeous!!

In other news, I don't feel okay.I constantly feel guilt (for every reason and no specific reason), fat and ugly. I want to lock myself in my bedroom with my books, the bunny and a latte until New Year's. But no. I have to eat with my family, go shopping with my family, go for drinks with my friends. I don't know why these things make me so fucking uncomfortable.

Thinking of the "New Year's Resolutions" (although I place mine on my birthday). I'm going to make a list. A small one. I have so many things that need to get done that are so big to put on the list.
Anyway, this glass of wine made me all dizzy and the bunny hops like crazy even though it's 1 in the morning.

How was everyone's Christmas?
So sorry I have to secret-post for the days I'm staying here..

Morning rant.

It's sunny. Again. Okay, maybe it's not that hot anymore but it's definitely not Christmas weather. Speakers outside of my window play "Silent Night" again and I try to cover it up with Starlight from Muse. I think it's working. I don't like Christmas songs. No, wait, I hate Christmas songs.

You what else I hate? Blogger. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with it. My posts appear on my dash three hours after I've published them and NOW I cannot post links because the freaking button is missing. Why, Blogger?

I'm sorry if I came a little strong. I'm just getting nervous for season holidays. I have to do homework, housework, straighten my hair and not eat at the same time. I'm leaving on Friday. (my nails look like shit, I will miss my fish cause they'll stay here, I'm nowhere near skinny again, I will be forced to eat for 15 days, ughhhhhhh)
Oh, I went shopping last night. I got a wine-coloured pair of skinny jeans and I went to Intimissimi too to buy that black bralette they have on their site (so cute). It was gone, of course, so no bra. I plan on going with my mom next week so I can get some more things, she always offers to pay. I promise a shopping post if I get new things over the holidays, with pictures and all :)

jealous of her on SO MANY LEVELS right now

Thinking back on when we first met

Okay, so today every girl on the street was looking at me. Like, what the fuck. My friend noticed it, too. I mean I was occupied with dizziness cause I only had water and coffee for like 20 hours and I was just feeling great going shopping with E. Every girl who passed us was starring at me like in my stomach-chest area and at first we were laughing but as it continued we were rather scared. E kept looking at me trying to find something that stood out but I was all "normal". I was wearing my oversized light green shirt with a cute necklace. I really don't know.

In other news, I really forced myself to eat today. I am getting this feeling again that eating is such a waste of money, time and water when doing the dishes. I know though this isn't something normal to believe in. It worries me, really. I don't want to get mentally sick (well, more than I already am) cause people can see and cause it will ruin my life.

RANDOM MONDAY THOUGHTS. <-- it's a section I am trying, every post will have a little ranting, tell me if you would like to read my crazy way of thinking.
I need to go get my eyebrows shaped again, before going home. On saturday (when the..date was) I was feeling so ugly. His friends came at the bar too and there was a lot of starring to see who I am, what I look like, cause he has/had a major crush on me for a while (year and a half). I was aware of all this starring and kept thinking: oh, my.. What will they think? I am so ugly and I am playing hard to get, I mean really. Why do they even smile at him, they should tell him I am not worth all this. Kept drinking and feeling awkward but at the same time I was smiling and pretending to be so cool and mainstream.

While most of the times, well, I AM NOT.

The sleepless weekend Vol2

I kept staring at the ceiling. Random thoughts. Mixed feelings. Do I want him here? Holding my feet warm, filling my glass of wine, making me laugh. Do I even want to be here? Looking at the ceiling so hard I could almost feel in coming down at me. Would it really matter, if the ceiling would match the floor? Would it be that bad? Drink some more wine, tell me about your past.. Don't make me do this, I will break your heart before I could even hold it in my hands. Mine is non functional, apparently. That's pretty obvious.

You like to notice things. I keep secrets, I'm weird, I like staring at candles, I don't eat, I drink. My hair smells nice. Why would you say that? Don't. Don't try to understand me, I never could. I'm not a player, I'm not a selfish bitch, I'm not heart broken from the love of my life. You cannot "cure" me, so don't bother trying.

Save yourself.

24 hours a day won't do, thanks

I had this nightmare (I always have it before going back home actually), that everyone has got thinner and thinner and I am the only fatty left. It is disturbing, really. Even though from my group of "family" (6 girls) I always had the more toned and tight body, you girls know that it's not what I want to achieve. It's a result from years of swimming, ice skating, gymnastics, running, volleyball and hardcore professional aerobics and step classes since the age of two.

You also know that I've started pilates since September, because I saw the WONDERS it did to one of my friends. It does work, my arms are seriously more toned, my upper stomach is flatter and shape-y and my butt is up where it's supposed to be (sic).

But no one is going to help you loose that freaking weight if you don't do it for yourself. Exactly one week left before going back home. Before seeing the girls, my friends, my guy friend, my ex probably and some people you don't want to see but always bump to during holidays.

So for this week I decided to keep it low. 600 tops and that's because my social life has somehow increased before holidays, I mean I don't have a freaking evening empty to watch a movie.

-Tonight is games night, tmrrw I have the spa (christmas gift) and then a date lol, sunday cinema time with the girls and then boom monday, K comes back to town, I wonder how that will be- I'll let you know.

Of course I have also this major exam in Human Genetics

on Wednesday. Like, yeah.

Christmas rant.

Woke up to Christmas songs blasting from a street speaker I didn't know I had outside my window. I had the weirdest look on my face, like wtf?? but then I remembered Christmas are coming, so people should get all jolly and stuff.

Don't get me wrong. I like holidays. Shopping, decorating the tree, giving and receiving presents but that's all there is to it for me. I am not a very religious person, I wasn't raised to be one and I don't feel bad about it. I have done a little research and, studying Biology has made me realise what I want to believe in and what I think is just brainwashing.

In my head Christmas day is just a day to see relatives and eat until your chair starts ticking. The real event (if you will) is the coming of the New Year, and not so much Jesus birthday (that it's not even on 25/12 but whatever).

So, for people reading this who are religious: that is only how I see this time of the year, if you enjoy going to church and praying then go and have a nice time. For people who don't celebrate Christmas: don't hate, just be happy for the New Year that's coming and let the rest of the people enjoy their holidays too.

Religion is a very sensitive issue, I have come to realise, it gives people hope and strength at times. I think for educated people is just something you do for yourself and you should really not use it as weapon to hurt other people's feelings.

No. Just no.

I wish everyone HAPPY HOLIDAYS

oh and I wish this music would start like, from 11 in the morning instead of 9?

Like, please?

look at Dafne, all dressed up in her bowl

the other was too shy to shoot:D

An unexpected post.

I am calm right now. I decided to post when the craziness has gone, and I think this is the time. I'm feeling okay, laying on my bed with my towel and silly shower headband on my hair. Christmas lights on, warm room and some lavender smelling in the air.

Of course anyone who can see me in public will notice: bitten nails, fast walk, awkwardly looking down, headphones cutting me off from the world.

I don't feeling comfortable with the world lately, no. I feel people looking at me and hear the voices. You know what voices, we've all heard them.

"Omg, look at this girl, doesn't she know she looks like that?",

"was it necessary to wear THAT top? you look so fat",

"your hair looks ridiculous",

"what are YOU looking at me, go look yourself at a mirror",

and so on...it can seriously drive you crazy, if not lead you to a panic attack.

but no. I breathe deeply and convince myself that I am a nice, interesting person to meet and yes, sometimes I am pretty. End of story.

smile to the world.feel safe in your body.

maybe that will be on my resolutions this year...

Eyes open.

Good mood apparently continues on a Sunday morning, even though I have some I'm.so.stupid.and.ugly.and.fat moments every now and then (passing by a mirror, looking at my uni grades). But, having some people in my life believing in me and encouraging me make a huge difference -yes, that includes all of you, my lovely followers :)

I'm invited for lunch to a friends house. I've lost a kilo this past week that I was upset and I'm not looking to get it back. Two weeks until flying home and I plan on loosing some more. It's quite simple: don't have breakfast, have much coffee, eat for lunch later on the afternoon, have some fruit and go to sleep with a glass of wine in your system. Sweet and empty dreams guaranteed (dizzy not yet, I'm waiting for it though).

In the meantime study your brains out, don't go out for drinks often, don't spend money on delivery food (duh) and save to go shopping at London! I know some of the things I want already. Some V neck white/grey oversized shirts, comfy sweaters, a leather jacket, a pair of these and some purple skinny jeans/thick leggings. I dream of the day when I will feel comfortable in my body and the clothes I choose to wear. I can dream right?

Cinnamon

If I don't drink one glass of cold water when I wake up, I feel sick for the rest of the day. I believe it's something my father taught me, one of the many weird things he taught me. He was very protective of me (and my body), always washing the extra sugar off of my candy (that's another weird thing I do with sugar coated candy) or insisting I keep one of my iphone headphones off while walking so I can know what's happening around me.

Anyway, so I woke up in an apartment with no mineral water. This means no coffee, either. I panicked really. The thing is that I've got a guy delivering water bottles to my apartment cause I live on the third floor and walking up 62 steps with water bottles is just unacceptable to me and my back. So he kinda forgot me yesterday. He's here now though :)

Yesterday was a good day. I ate so little, my fever was gone, I had pilates class and no university classes. I was in a really good mood (deep inside I know it was because of the low cal intake, sadly) and got some red Christmas lights, that I will keep all year round. I also wore my faux leather leggings, I got some compliments (from girls though lol). Anyway it was a very weird moment I have to post about. So do you remember that guy with the wonderful eyes I was talking some posts ago?

My friend was waiting for me to come down from my apartment so I thought it was a good idea to get my trash out too. I packed 4 (FOUR) bags of every crap thing from my apartment and barely could move walking down the stairs. So when I got down I saw him waiting too. I was like "fuck, what are YOU doing here? I cannot play cool when I'm hidden behind trash bags". So embarrassed. Anyway I laughed and talked to him with a stupidbuthugesmile on my face. God.

He makes my face all smiley, so does his friend though. I could so easily date any one of them. It would be a nice way to get out of this situation I was a week ago (with the other two guys, with the lies and the fights). They are new, nice and these four (blue) eyes look at me and I die. What is wrong with me and triangles lately??

i think i need this necklace

Hold your breath

Bad news continue to haunt me. This has been one shitty week, I have to admit. I have been feeling so blue, moody and a bit feverish. On top of things, my exams schedule is announced. I start on Friday, 13th January. Heartless much?

Of course I could see that coming, that's why I cancelled my snowboard holidays to France for this New Year's Eve. It's not that I was looking very much forward to it, but I always prefer snowboard to studying, who doesn't. I have very difficult courses this semester... Human Genetics, Evolution, Molecular Biology, Biotechnology, to name a few. They're actually 10 of them. Put me in your prayers, really...

The only thing that makes me happier just by thinking about it is that I will (maybe) go to London after the exams. I don't know how to call it, but I feel safe when I am there, I feel calm walking around London streets and cycling at the parks. Maybe it's because at the age of 15 I travelled there alone and made it to the town where my sister was with a suitcase and a train ticket. What was I thinking?

anyway, London always succeeds to get my mind off silly things. As soon as I book my plane ticket, I will make an appointment for a tattoo, too. I have thought of several things but I think I have settled. I wanted to have it on the inside of my left wrist but it's a full sentence so there won't be enough space for it.

Today I'm having black coffee and if I find the appetite I will have a mixed salad and a granola with yoghurt. Putting them together it will be around 650 cals. It's a number I like.

I like that font.

Explanatory post.

Let me just start by saying that I will not say where I live. Not that I have many followers from Europe, or from my country whatsoever, but with internet one can never know. I'll just say (once again) that I study on a little european island away from my home.

So. When I moved here, three years ago, I was a bit "spoiled" as a girl who had been almost all over Europe on trips for snowboard and summer holidays by the age of 18. My clothes are mostly from Topshop and Urban Outfitters (we don't even have an H&M) and I travelled to the USA last year, a dream some people here think it will never come true. And my friends from school were in the same situation more or less.

But most of the people I met here had never been on a plane, didn't know how to pronounce latte (OR what it was) and without realising it, I stood out a bit.

Let me give you an example. Once a friend of mine called a Mac computer ("ipod, but a computer"). It was very funny but eye-opening at the same time. Every time I went home for Christmas or summer I would get a bit depressed on what I took for granted in life.

Don't get me wrong. I don't come for a vastly rich family. I don't spend hundreds of euro just for fun and I didn't ride unicorns to school. I am just lucky enough to grow up in a big (extended) family where parents wanted to give their children the best (like every parent) but at the same time they were so strict to us to appreciate money. My first job was at a furniture factory when I was seven years old, during the summer. It was probably the easiest job ever, but the purpose was to be around different kinds of people and realise what it takes to make money. So I can surely say I am a down to earth girl, thanks to my parents.

Returning to the purpose of the post, some people made fun of me because I wanted "extraordinary things" (a cupcake-non existent here, a pilates class, sushi) or when I got seriously thrilled when I discovered there was a Starbucks nearby! I don't mind, the way I see it this is only a waiting room for me (quote stolen from some movie). I don't plan on staing here.

I'm going to live in London, maybe Rome but no, not here.

(say it 3 times cause it's true)

The fairytale's gone bad.

So it's true. I cannot function correctly when it comes to boys interested in me. I feel very confident around ANY guy that I think is my friend, I'm this "funny, interestingly weird girl" and when some of them decide to get more interested in me I suddenly become a "moody bitch who breaks hearts for a hobby". Nuff said.

I'm feeling so blue today. Yesterday, while gossiping at a sleepover, I learned so many things that have happened without me knowing. People lying, people fighting over me (wtf) and I don't want any of them. It's like they take so much energy from me.

Maybe if they all just leave me alone and go fix their problems first, maybe then I can fix mine and start smiling again. So many thoughts that not even sushi for dinner didn't cheer me up.

I updated my status "studying all night" and everyone can go to hell. I cannot be in the middle of their foolish games, I have a life, university, two fish, an ED and a scale to scare me taking care of them.

p.s. a note here, the guys I choose are ALWAYS strangers. this is what I want. someone outside of my everyday life, with friends and past of his own. I deny to choose among my friends for a relationship, it just not triggers me on that level. and no, I don't believe on people falling in love.

p.s.2 new post on Dark Romanticism :D

hey, you.

You're cuter than the cat.

Always post on a Sunday

Fucking fruit flies project is done. I still can't believe it, I was so deprived from sleep this past week due to it and along with the fake drama that has been following me lately the situation was horrible. Nevertheless, last night was a birthday dinner/clubbing one, and I sure had some (awkward) fun. I got to wear my new heels and drink so much.

Okay, fake drama related paragraph (*skip it if you want*). I think I somehow got involved in a love/sex triangle. Maybe it's a square, I'm really not that sure. My hands are tight, cause even though I don't care about my feelings, when it comes to hurting others (who actually believe in love) I become an extremely thoughtful person. I care for others so much because anyone who gets near me hurts my feelings, or worse, get their feelings hurt. I don't want to hurt people just cause I am a fuck up. That's why I go home alone every night. :)

New topic. Sushi! ohh.. I found a really lame chinese restaurant near my house that claimed to be making sushi. Many people here don't even know what sushi means so I was surprised they had it on the menu. I thought well, I should try a california maki roll with crab and it was delicious! Kinda salty, but at least average I have to admit. So now I know what my lunch will be from now on. I can live on avocado-cucumber-crab rolls. Yay, people!

are you motivated never to eat again? I am..pilates has toned me even more,

but if I don't loose some weight I'm never getting there..

In

No time for this either. Woke up and it was December, oh god.

I'm playing the anorexic. I always feel safe in this role. There are no remorse for doing it, no guilt for eating and of course the feeling of a dizzy head and flat stomach is so nice. I'm sorry if anyone of you find this triggering or wrong OR unacceptable and disgusting to think of.

Late night update: a few hours earlier one of my girl friends told me that she got inspired by me since we started to hang out. She eats healthier and tries to exercise more often. Well, yes, I was happy to hear that from her (since I like being a "personal trainer" at such topics and I ALWAYS give the correct advice to people when it comes to fitness and diets) but oh, the irony!

Especially today...

I want to go shopping so badly.

Stay happy.

Swirling around madness lately. So many things to do, so little time to do them all. I just can't live in a world where a day has only 24 hours. I'm constantly shaking from the absence of caffeine, or the high levels of caffeine. I cannot seem to find the right amount. I just keep shaking.

The only good thing is I go to bed so freaking exhausted that I actually sleep. My dreams have been fucked up though. Just as well.

I try so hard (and I think I'm doing great so far) to keep an optimistic attitude towards all this. Watching after my karma, you know, cause I feel nice to be nice. Some people have complemented me again on how I light up when I smile.

Well, I guess happy girls are the prettiest, as hey say.

Or just very pretty- don't get attached :)

Not censored just yet

I would kill for a cigarette right now. Let me give you the most cliché scenery that is going on in here. Christmas lights, me in comfy lounge wear on the bed with my laptop and a glass of red wine, listening to Sade. Another study-less night.

Yesterday I studied until midnight and then went for drinks until 4 in the morning with two of my (boy) friends. It was fun and cold and a bit rainy. On the other side of the town centre, she was talking about me. They want to know if I'm single. Damn, ask me guys. Yes, I am single and I always stay single, even when I date and fuck the same guy for a long time. Yes, I have issues and yes, I am crazy sometimes. Maybe some day I can feel like a normal person in an actual relationship. Maybe. And then she was asked which of the two I preferred. Oh, my, how boys can be stupid. You can't even choose a freaking milkshake without interacting with it a little at first, how the fuck can I choose a guy?

Well, simply, I won't. Why bother going to that much trouble? I already have been told I am "as heartless as the bitch from 500 days of summer". I find her to be realistic. I know it's not the normal thing, but most people aren't. They just like to act normal.

A thursday.

"Turn left, there are tables only on the left side, that's where we are", she said happily. Walking in, I wasn't sure whether to smile or not. I feel shy every time I am around people I don't know. And there was I, sitting at a table of 10 people, knowing only three of them. I realised I was the stranger in there. Weird looks, some smiles, comments about my weird leggings, and him. His eyes met mine and I felt a lightning hit me. There was he, at last.

She looked at him, then looked at me and smiled. I already know everything there is to know about him, but small talk is always nice. So "what do you study?"

I knew what he is studying. I knew where he's from, when his birthday is, the name of his ex, how many siblings he has, where he's going for christmas holidays (and why) and what sport he used to play at school. She already told me all these things, she takes her matchmaker role pretty seriously, no? Our eyes met again, boom!

So, it was his turn.

"You should really try this chicken... go ahead, eat some."

"Oh, that's okay, I don't really want to, thanks...."

"Are you a vegetarian?" Tricky first question. Back it up, annamaria, maybe he knows all there is to know for you, too. But does he know too much?? That freaking chicken was in front of me and he insists again I should try it. Fuck my life. I say no again, looking to change the subject. Luckily the other nerd-looking guys started talking to me so he just stopped insisting and kept looking at me with these blue eyes..

And I kept drinking white wine. She got drunk pretty quickly. Two girls laughing and giggling, and seven guys who had no idea. Drinking wine until 3 in the morning. I didn't mind my early pilates class when he was looking at me. For two seconds, all I could hear was "I know you know I like you and you're looking me back. finally we've met". That's all his eyes were telling me.

And yes, finally we've met. But this is not enough. It's just not.

my weird leggings. I'm not her, but I have the same

hair, shirt and leggings. all I'm missing is the guy and the white bed sheets.

Back .

This quick escape from the routine was just what I needed. Some hugs and care from my parents (that I struggled to respond to and give them some hugs too). Some gossiping with my girl friends over green teas and margaritas. Some warmth while eating cupcakes and drinking coffee by the fireplace. Dad was so surprised, he didn't even recognised me at first!

Back to my house, everything had moved on without me and I had to catch up. Yoga was fine tonight, although I felt like the fattest person in there. Oh. I have one month to make up for these cupcakes and delicious birthday dinner so I don't go completely crazy.

Things that need to be done in one month:

1. three kilos off. now.

2. study hard. and when you're done, study some more. embrace those 6 new biology books :p

3. go to the grocery store for plenty of vitamins. make your own sandwich to take to university DON'T eat at the cafeteria, everything there smells weight gain.

4. get some. you know what. just stop thinking and get some, honey.

5. put back your only-tea-and-water-past-8pm

oh, and STOP DEPRESSING YOURSELF :)

here's a rose...

To the right

Naughty plans cancelled tonight. Boom. That's what you get for being promiscuous, right? I wanted to fuck the best friend of someone who really likes me. I'm sorry but he has these wonderful eyes...hot hot hot!

anyway I'm in a good mood apparently.

Tomorrow I'm flying home for the weekend. Mixed feelings, as always. I mean I want to see my family, it's not that I've missed them. But anyways, I'm not a person of feelings in general. I feel kinda guilty about that...

Drinking white wine while making this post. My love for wine maybe balances my love for cupcakes, you know. This dizzy feeling (especially on an empty stomach- only when indoors!) is quite awesome. When everything is happy, easy, funny (and doable).

My green suitcase is packed neatly on my bedroom floor. I'm a neat freak in general. Items have to be completely organised for me to keep calm. I cannot sleep if there are dirty dishes in the sink. Even if they are three closed doors away. Chlorine smell calms me down.

Freak freak freak, no?

We walk

Hello, my darlings. Windy Wednesday here. I don't really want to go to class.. neither to yoga. I woke up completely hangovered from a hip hop party I went to last night. It was fun I must admit, although I hate the DJ (it's a personal thing). Anyway I had lots of wine (and some from the house, I had to be in a good mood in order not to kill him), so everything went well. By midnight I was a happy, drunk, Annamaria with a lace shirt.

Usually "E" and I know all the people at the bar, cause we used to hand out last year. But fortunately there was new people on the house! At last, I can get bored so easy...

Anyway, it was a great day, tiring much, and a good night! I woke up feeling disoriented and fat. No news there, lol. And looking myself at the mirror I decided to focus on the good things. The only thing(s) I could find that I like were these two holes(??) at my lower back.

I really don't know how these are called, but I seriously love them.

*as usual, this image will be deleted*

So many Sunday "hello"s..

Yet another Sunday, trying to make it work.

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. My pyjamas are from last year's Oysho collection, since you guys loved them so much! I bet there are some cute pieces this year, too. I already bought a knitted cardigan from there.

This weekend I'm flying home for a few days, daddy's birthday. That means home made food, cupcakes, restaurants I love, aunts bringing baskets of food. Yes, food is an expression of love here, too. Damn.

So starting from today and until Friday I'm trying this new "thing".

Cappuccino and breakfast-something (no more than 300 cals) and then boiled veggies for the rest of the day (no oil, just some salt and lemon juice). This way I can start my day with happiness (hello, cappuccino) and I can go to bed hungry but thinking I will eat something nice in the morning. During the day I don't mind, I am very busy usually. So the whole daily intake cannot go over 600. I also have three times Pilates this week (big smile). I can only afford one more month of pilates for this year (2011) so I'm going to make it count.

I think the key here is to enjoy every meal you have, so when your mind wants to think of food you can think of what you ATE and was really good and how it satisfied you, and not what you are going to eat next and how many calories will it have, and whether you should eat it or not (you know..). Rather difficult, I must say. But I think I'm going to try that.

omg, I love this photo..

All classics.

I haven't posted in a while. I got lost between classes, drinks, eating and not eating, feeling awful, feeling great, getting my past self back, etc. It's a great feeling, recognising yourself again, the one you once loved. The one you are familiar with.

All the things I am. Sure, I don't like many of them, I hate others, but it's me. I started wearing my leggings again. It's a good sign. I stopped eating again. I like it. I only eat to take my pills and to drink. And I drink (to get drunk).

Anyway, probably these all don't make any sense. I just wanted to put them all out there. Sharing. Oh, I also bought a homeless boy a pizza. Everyone at the bus stop was looking at me, but I couldn't care less. I thought I wasn't eating lunch anyway, so why not buy this kid some food?

Well that's me, a (bitch) with some good outbursts. Not eating makes me a bitch, and I feel comfortable behind this mask. So, no apologies, sorry (no apologies, I said!).

I also keep taking pics to post them here and every time I hesitate. Fuck that. There you go, on the progress of the making of my belly. The part of my body I feel worse for. But I am working on it.

please excuse my Hello Kitty

(dressed as a penguin) pyjamas :)

photo has been removed

Another Monday.

It's a fasting Monday, though. And Tuesday will be, too. I set my goals straight this morning, got out of bed with confidence and decided to do a fast for a couple of days. Fruit fast, that is.

The headache started at the third hour of classes but I have learnt to live with it for quite some time. So I have consumed a little less than 500 calories for the day. Thank you all for your support, you gave me that push I much needed. I'm not going to hold on to that fast past Wednesday though cause it will do me damage again. I went to pilates class, too, and my instructor decided to work my abs more today. I have promised a picture and you will get it soon :)

In other news, there is a guy I like at uni and rumours say he broke up with his girlfriend. Now he always gave me that weird looks that I can't decode. I saw him with another guy talking and staring at me today while I was walking towards the library. I hope they weren't making fun of me or something. I just hope he could ask me out.. but I guess I (have to) go out with another guy this week. I mean he's cute and stuff, I just don't like him that much. Anyway, a date is much needed so I'm gonna go :p

Black coffee and good music.

What else would someone need on a Sunday morning? Last night was fun, I had a few friends over and we watched Dexter over wine (and food). Season 6 would be awesome although I hate God related manipulations in general (anyone who watched the new season knows what I'm talking about).

My scale number continues to go up and my mood is going down. I have to stop eating. I exercise so freaking much so if I could just stop eating this much it would be great, thanks. I'm going home in two weeks and if I don't show thinner I'm gonna be so pissed off (and sad, suicidal, moody, bitchy- the normal me I guess).

Hanging at the post office.

Early Saturday! After a mixed feelings week I needed some time alone. Even my sister told me I'm slipping away again from the happy person I was for about two months now (we talk on the phone cause she's 4 hours away by plane). So I'm getting some alone time and setting everything right again.

...

Several things came today by mail. I love mail, even though the line at the post office can be hell. Luckily there was like no people on a Saturday morning. So WHAT came with the mail today??

A while ago I indulged in a little Asos shopping. (Right click each link to direct you to the item on the site in a new tab.) Clockwise from left you can see the American Apparel shirt dress, my new ankle boots (I love this colour!) and a stag necklace. Oh, yes, my cup-a-soup boxes came, too!

Even though the heel on the boots is quite big, I like them and can't wait to wear them. I wear 39 EU and to be honest I was afraid they might not fit, but I have them on (under my pyjamas lol) for half an hour now and they seem to fit just right after all. The necklace is absolutely stunning and as for the shirt, I have a similar tights as seen on the site (from Urban Outfitters), so I guess I can wear ALL these together and be stylish, no?

Well, duh.

Of course I believe everyone is pretty but me. I say it out loud sometimes. Like, I compliment constantly girls for their hair or clothes or nail colour (okay, I don't compliment their bodies out loud, I don't want to be considered as lesbian -which I'm not- or some kind of freak-which I actually am, kind of).

I had a stressful day today. Classes, language course (German), friendship crisis, yoga, turning down an awesome Christmas holiday invitation, all that with no sleep cause apparently my nightmares cannot wait. I woke up literally shivering in the middle of the night and couldn't catch my breath for about ten minutes. VERY SCARY THING.

And it's so late. I spent my midnight cleaning my kitchen walls (freak, yet?) so that this time I will be completely exhausted and sleep deeply.

Goodnight to all of you :)

(or good morning to those of you at the other side!)

effortless cool.

that's what I'm going for.

November's here!!

I like this month. It's finally cold enough to wear knits and loose that extra appetite that's been following me lately. I usually loose weight on winter and gain on summer. I love ice cream, that's why. Anyway, I decided to stop freaking out about people finding this blog and to just clear the history every now and then.

So I'm afraid I have some bad news which I'm not sure yet are that bad. I mean, I gained one and a half kilo (panic attack, yes) but all my jeans and sweats fit better. So I "lightly complained" to my pilates trainer and she was like

"and what? you panicked? you should know by now that muscle weights more than fat, annaM. You have been exercising your whole life. take it easy and forget about the scale number"

haha. I tried hard not to laugh at myself at this last comment. Forget the scale? I love my scale. Last year I was living just for my scale. These things cannot just go away. Of course I just nodded along and kept doing the "swan" exercise.

Anyway, I already got some compliments about how tighter my legs look but no, I will not accept the fact that I weight more than I ever weighted in my life. If 54 is so much to ask, can I go back to 56 at least?

Mayday. (?)

I have been really clumsy over the weekend. With people coming over, wanting to use my laptop, with me being the only one who has an iPhone, many people use the Safari. And I can't go crazy about it cause that would make me a bitch (the bitch who doesn't want to give the iPhone).

So I just do a little prayer every time someone goes on the internet. Pleeease don't type f-a-k-e, etc cause then my blog will show up.

What if someone saw it and then Googles it at home?

Oh, the horror.

I see two solutions: I either stop obsessing about it and do another prayer that no one saw it OR I change the URL and name of the blog and risk loosing well, you guys.

What Do I Do??

p.s. I don't pray much.

A little economics.

If you have an eye for pretty things you will probably need a budget to cover for them. It's common moment on a girl's life when she has to choose between something pretty and dinner. For me it's even more complicated. I grew up in a family where saving was a big deal. Don't get me wrong, I still had everything I could possibly want but I was raised to save. So what do you do when you have the money for those pretty things, but guilt is stronger than hunger?

I started writing down my everyday expenses. Just at the bottom of my calendar, adding every number up and getting the score. It seems I am spending about 15 euro every day.

With my tattoo coming up (I checked, it will be about 100-120 pounds) at London I have to save money for my trip. Cause London means shopping, drinking (I miss Pimm's), frozen yoghurt, art shopping and well, Busaba. But I have three full months until then and a closet to feed. Oh, and my pilates class.

Ugh, and I have to do one big "donation" to the pharmacy on Monday. Pills, face cream, face lotion, face soap- make up remover. I'm thinking it will sum up to 70-80 euro. God.

The solution? Feed on soup, spinach pie, coffee, orange juice and fruit for a month. This way I could buy some T-shirts, a blazer, a new cologne and a rug for my desk (my feet are always so cold while studying) GUILT-FREE.

Random morning thoughts

I swear one day I will make it. I would love if I could have a good breakfast at the morning and convince myself that this can hold me for the rest of the day. A cappuccino, some grapes and a sandwich is the ideal breakfast for me. And then you can have a soup for dinner and an orange juice for snack. If only I could do this without my head hurting and my mind thinking of food all the time.

Because now, every time I have breakfast, I just keep thinking of the next meal. What will it be, what I must avoid, who I should stay away from because they eat every time they go out, stuff like that. But if I don't have breakfast, then magically I don't want to eat, I just stay in this "ill" situation all day. I love that feeling. But for a functioning anaemic student who doesn't sit much that is suicide. And I don't want to die, not really.

Oh, my!

I got my blood tests back today. Well, I've been worse. And I feel great. So no alarm yeeiii!! My mum thinks differently though and wants to change my medicine. That's fine, as long as my eating doesn't change, I will follow new orders. Currently I take two types of multi vitamin pills and my medicine with orange juice every day so I don't have to worry about eating. Oh, if only they knew I haven't eaten meat/fish for a month! (oh, for those wondering, I have serious anaemia- google it).

I'm just cooperating so I don't have to go to the hospital okay?

So everything's good!

My order from Asos hasn't arrived yet and I'm so nervously excited. I hope they fit and look as fabulous as on the site. In other news, lately I enjoy Pilates more than usual! I have made great progress and I like the toning in my stomach (maybe you'll have a pic in a couple of weeks). And tonight there was the most handsome guy I've seen since summer! He was friends with my male instructor and I just couldn't stop looking at him. I played cool though, haha.. Sorry for the rambling and the kindergarten shit, I have to grow up, I know! :)

:)

After a long night of laughs, skirts, cute boys and looooots of wine, I have Evolution class.. I couldn't be more tired, I think, but it was worth it. I had to go with all casual look (which probably makes me look fatter than I already am but I love) and with these Victoria's Secret sweats. Don't you just love the colour??

A new week ahead of us, lets make it count. I know I would!

(read: serious restriction. SERIOUS restriction) the flu gives me nightmares somehow, but now I'm up and feeling better :)

*photo has been removed by well, me

We own the sky- M38 (new addiction)

I think I may be getting the flu. What annoys me the most is this nose running, head aching, voice altering stage. Either give me some fever and get it over with, or not!

Oh, I figured out a plan. I have a little book where I write how much money I spend every day. I decided that every time I am outside and want/have to eat, I can write down one reason not to. Then I can decide if I can eat or not. I don't want to make a big deal over it (lol, "I am not obsessed" -say it thrice to believe it) but I want to try it out.

So reasons can vary: skinny legs, Christmas holidays, that girl at uni who is pure perfection, cupcake time in a month (I can eat then), smaller sized jeans, collarbones, no money for food and coffee (coffee always wins), flat stomach, inspiration from H and G who have lost so much weight, etc.

For the moment I'm just drinking oolong tea from my super big cup and study some Immunology. Oh I wish Immunology could help me with the flu over here!

have a lovely Sunday you all, mine will hopefully end with wine, just how it started :)

Saturday's in

Well, yes, when you put paprika in your homemade cappuccino instead of cinnamon, maybe you needed a few hours more of sleep! Anyway, this "accident" wasn't enough to blow my morning coffee, no.

I said I had to watch my calorie intake. Lol, watch it as it goes up? These past two days have NOT been good for me. I decide not to eat, then decide to have something, then I have fucking everything. Not good. Actually really, really bad. In 4 weeks I will be home for my dad's birthday (his turn for a surprise!). I will fly home and mum is going to take him to IKEA (next to the airport) and I will surprise him at the entrance!! If that doesn't make me a good daughter, I don't know what will..

So that means I must look decent by then. I'm thinking (to make things easier for me of course) watch the calorie intake, take vitamins. Simple as that. Around 700/day with two hours of pilates and 4 hours of yoga per week. That way I can have some take out food where the portions are big but countable, cause I'm not cooking at my place until then! It's horrible when I'm cooking food for the whole army and then make myself eat it, really. I don't enjoy it, my hips don't enjoy it, so nobody really wins.

...

That awkward moment when you feel more comfortable telling people when was the last time you had sex than telling them what you had for lunch.

Happy day, today.

I woke up with a full headache though. Every time I get one of these, I fear that I will go back to how I was one year ago. It was hell, 24/7 headaches and tears, and no one could understand what I had. Not even me. Blood tests made it all clear and in half a year I was (not so but oh well) brand new. Luckily this one passed rather quickly.

Pilates class was super nice today. I had a personal cause no one else showed up! I like these times, cause the instructor knows I can move on to harder poses and we talk and it's fun. I get to do more difficult practise too!!

I have to watch my intake. Christmas is getting closer...

I cannot accept failing me. Can you?

In other news, I did some shopping. I know, I drink cappuccino in powder to save money, but I "donated" 80 pounds to Asos yesterday.. I am so lame! Moreover, I am thinking about getting a pair of awesome Oxfords (flats) in cream colour. I have seen them over and over at the shop next to my house and I think it's the right time before they run out of sizes. Of course I promise pictures :)

Happy Blirthday D.R. !

So yeah, go check my new blog.

it's still empty but I would appreciate opinions on the layout/ title.

I LOVE IT.

Update:

"dark romanticism's" first post is on!

a picture of me as a bonus!!

(don't be mean about it :p)

Opinions needed!!

I am lately flirting with the idea of making more fashion related posts. Ones that will include photos of stylish people, news about fashion, interior design ideas and alternative music. Pictures of every day life with a twist of fashion and interesting facts about well, anything!

So I am thinking why not move all these new ideas to a new blog, instead of putting mixed posts to my personal blog. That way all the craziness and every day life will stay here and all the self expressing time will be hosted on another page. You know I am a neat freak after all.. I like things separated and clear.

Update: bad news..London trip is postponed for a few months.. bye bye tattoo for now, hope I can get you some time around late January. I've GOT TO do it at London, therefore I shall wait.. :)

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Rain boots

Beautiful day today. Rain all over, skipped university to relax at Starbucks with a grande Soy Cappuccino. Happiness, right? I had my pilates class today, too. This is looking pretty damn good.

You know there is a song that always makes me feel good lately. It's called Bounce by Calvin Harris and Kelis. It makes me calm and happy every time I hear it. I thought I'd just share this with you :)

Tomorrow I'll probably know if I'm going to London or not next month. There isn't much money in the bank but I will make it work! Wish me luck, I want so badly to go, even if I was there like 4 months ago.

I also want THIS badly. I mean, how awesome can one piece of clothing be? I just have to make sure my stomach is purely flat by then so I can look decent in it. I imagine it with black tights and a long cardigan for Christmas and it just clicks! I also plan on getting this at wine or/and holly colour. Of course I love Urban Outfitters. It's probably the first thing I visit in London/New York, I am so lame.

I adore the wine colour this year. I don't usually wear colours but turquoise and wine are so stylish to wear! I like pastels and black/cream clothing in general. But yes, I admit I mostly wear black, some say too much. I guess it's something I picked up from my mum (?).

I'm putting a full stop to this mumbling about now.. Just adding that these few weeks I am calm and happy and couldn't be happier about that. When it starts to get dark again, I just take a deep breath and everything goes back to bright :)

favourite.

Inspiration.

Alice tea

I wasn't sure I wanted to post tonight. Spending the whole day alone is something I cannot do anymore. I don't want to. Not that I am that social person, it's just that when I am alone I tend to eat lately. So I'd rather be with people and not feel that great, than being alone and hate myself for eating one week's worth of food.

On another topic, one away from food and craziness, I maybe go to London next month! Yes, before Christmas, the tattoo time it's getting closer :)

I started thinking what I want to do this time. I love being at London, it feels so great.. I feel free and happy here. I should remember to bring bag soups and oolong tea bags, also some amazing clothes (and a pair of shoes, if that's okay) and of course my left wrist with an amazing tattoo.

Saturday night. I was supposed to have a date tonight. Well it's more of a "IwillgooutwithyoujusttomakethisclearcauseIdontseeyouthatway" kind of date. But, it started raining, so I feel like I can postpone it. Luckily, cause I hate doing this anymore. If I don't know why I don't want him, how can he understand? Oh, well...

You can dream.

(I have repeatedly listed things I hate in here. On my posts, through my every day life, I like to complain here so the pressure goes somehow away. For a change, and since my mood is rainy and my apartment so freaking clean, I will make a love post. You'll see.)

I dream of this. It helps me feel happy through the day. Role playing isn't bad, sometimes, my psychologist sister thinks that way. So my dream day would be quite like this:

I start the day waking up to the light coming from my window. It's still so early and yet I have an amazing energy to do things. I get in the shower and dress up very street chic-y before I rush out of the apartment with my puppy. (I feel so nice with my body, as I hardly eat more than 800 calories. I don't need food as a substitute anymore.) As we're walking I get a latte to go and walk through the river. I always like to watch people who start the day too early. Yes, there is life before 9 in the morning on the streets. It's sunny but cold. I stop at few vintage shops, the are true inspiration to me. I pick a few things, some bracelets to go with my tattoo, a new/old styled jacket, a painting for my house. I get home and have some fruit. Take my books and head to the local library for 5 hours of studying. I have so much to catch up. Then I go for a big salad with a diet coke and meet my friends for a few early drinks/ second coffee. The day includes a pilates/yoga class which I religiously go to, it helps me stay calm, not over analyse things. The perfect day includes loud music with white wine and special people, in a basement-hidden bar with alternative looking people. Everyone has a different story. Everyone is a stranger that when you get a chance to talk with, you can share a laugh with, or a picnic day at the park with bikes.

Talking about fake memories.. but that is my dream, this is my ideal everyday life. If you haven't figured out the place of all these yet, it's London. But until then, pretending has put a nice smile on my face. So I'm happy with that for a couple of years. :)

Sunday.

Out of the 52 Sundays there are in a year (aprox.), I may like 8 or 9 of them. In general, I hate Sundays. They are emotional, lonely, evil, big days where I usually binge or cry or just feel deeply sad. When it rains, I get some comfort because I feel like the world is at the same mood. So we match. Like today.

I love rain. I find it's sound, it's smell soothing. Rain and Massive Attack's songs are a perfect match. They also go pretty well with my Immunology report. I must finish it. Of course I've spend all day watching Dexter and You tube videos of how to take care of a wrist tattoo. I can't wait for mine. Sometimes I pretend I already have it, it gives me strength. As soon as I book my ticket to London, I'm calling for the appointment. Yay.

I still can't find the way to convince myself I don't need food on weekends. During the week I manage to keep a low calorie intake but weekends..they are so messy! I think I will stop talking about food with my friends. I say scary things, I guess. I get weird looks. I'll stop.

I need to get down at numbers. Not up. I need to hear some compliments on Christmas holidays. I much need that.

Oh, of course I forgot to tell you that. I rejected a guy last week. I'm doing it all over again. He came to close to me and I needed air to breathe. So I stopped. I cannot date a guy that is a friend of mine. I don't. I want a stranger, it somehow feels safer that way. So if I complain about wanting a boyfriend, please someone remind me of that.

Thank you.

Warning: bitchy post..

Well, fuck that. You know, I can be a total bitch sometimes, well I can most of the times, but people tend not to like me about this. So I pretend I am a good hearted lovely girl who loves smiling people. Sometimes I do. Rarely though.

So fuck that. I can't take this stupid shit from her. Like she punishes me for having more friends. This is fucking kindergarden stuff. She has copied my style, my house, my character and interests and now she thinks she's too cool for me?

Give me a fucking break, honestly.

Of course it bothers me. I have so many failed friendships (and relationships, in general) that it exhausts me, really. I am tired of letting myself go and then picking up "the pieces", which are less than you think, but more than I hope to give away.

All I'm saying for now: Fuck that.

Nice things

Extremely busy days began, yes! I love it when I'm away from home during the day so that I don't get bored and tempted to eat. Yesterday was a perfect day. I started with an hour of pilates, then went to university for 6 hours of classes and then I stayed for the two hour yoga class! I went home having consumed about 600 calories, having burnt at least 200 of them, had a long bath, ate an apple and went to bed. Perfection.

I also met two boys, they were at the music studio playing the drums and guitar while I was waiting for yoga cause I was an hour early. So they told me to go inside the studio to tell them if I liked their music. They were so fun to talk to but it was rather weird because when we were all living the one (who invited me over) just took his shirt off and kept talking to me about stuff. So I had to look, lol. He just changed in front of me, weird weird people.. :)

All in all, I am feeling very nice and optimistic. Vegetarian thing is going very good, although I worry because I haven't had protein in about a week now.. I also can't wait to book my London tickets and get the tattoo already!!

Off to university for four hours of classes, I love you all *

Mila is smiling.

I like smiling people.

The (nicest) ring

Tea weather, at last!! Today's selection: apple and cinnamon, like a litre or it. I love the smell, and I love the way it feels you up, like you just had an apple pie.

I am kinda down these last days. It seems another friendship is about to come to an end. I can't take it anymore. The drama, the talks, the non-talks. I have come this far with promising friendships and I am so done with crying over the end of them. It's just so emotional and I am, well, not. Not any more, at least, because all old account in Polyvore (that I used to use as a sort of diary) reminded me I had so many feelings once..

In other news, I organised my closet today. I threw EVERYTHING on the bed and rearranged the layout of my closet. Here, you can see the half of it. It's weird how many light coloured items I've got, since I mostly wear blacks. I just don't like colourful clothing, I like everything to be simple and minimal.

STOP AND THINK, please

People celebrate with food. People find company and sympathy in food. People think of food as a solid way to function and survive.People don't even have food to function and survive.People find relief from their problems in food.People just love food.People hate food.People have one fucked up relationship with food.

I hate myself for what I have become. I celebrate my weakness and starve for happiness. I smile when hungry and get mad at everyone once I eat too much. I count calories all day long. I think of food more than I think of my family. I crave food and at the same time I hate everything around me for even thinking of eating it. I miss out on relationships because of that. Anti social and kind of bipolar. When I'm feeling thin I am the most enjoyable person to be with. My smile can light up a room. But that happens only on a full moon, some might say. People are afraid of me. They fear my reaction, it changes quite a lot. I fear myself sometimes, too.

But on the other side of the world, at a country called Rwanda, I am responsible for a little girl. This girl lives under the same sky as me, and yet she will never understand what fashion means. How skinny jeans match perfectly with oversized T-shirts and long necklaves. How you can get sad because your third trip abroad (in the same year) MAYBE get cancelled. What means to wake up in a four-room house with clean water and paintings from London and NY and once you look at the mirror you hate your whole life. What means to have your whole family loving you and can't be able to feel any of it. How you have two pet fish, decide to become a vegetarian (have the ability to throw and deny food given to you) and get start a 100euro/month pilates class because you got bored.

The only thing she asks for is to survive. And a letter, every now and then. She likes letters. She also likes purple crayons, I guess, she uses this colour the most to her drawings. The money goes to her community, to help clear the water, fix the ruined houses, build a health care centre.

It makes me sad.

I have become proud of myself for ALL THE WRONG REASONS.

Be like me? lol twice

Chocolate is evil. Strawberry tarts are evil. Salt and oregano crisps are evil. White chocolate mousse is a bitch. And all these came to my house yesterday NIGHT. Okay, I was having a dvd night for 7 of my friends and as I was completely prepared with home made pop corn and wine, they decided to be polite and bring me "something". So my fridge was filled with all these bomb boxes and made my fruits, water, mozzarella cheese and rocket salad suffocate next to them. I couldn't fit a lollipop in my fridge, it was THAT full. God.

Luckily we had a great time, they loved the movie (Corpse Bride) and then along with 3 of them I went for drinks later (a lot later) that night. I woke up, had some chocolate from those left, threw the rest off my fridge and went to Pilates.

I did not panic, so I am all in all (proud) of myself.

I think I'll spend the rest of the day with rocket salad and black coffee.

Yes, that's the plan :)

Can you smile?

Yesterday university classes started and I couldn't be happier! I mean, I hate getting in the same room with that many people, but on the other hand I get to be away from any source of food and crazy thoughts. And, believe me, that's cool.

Last night I went to a concert. This band is huge (local) and it was their last concert, like for ever, so it was pretty awesome. I got so tired though. I also have to be VERY careful with M, a girl from my friends, as she is always asking me if I will go eat with them, or if there are too many calories in something. Maybe it's party my fault (I've got to not talk that much) but now that everything is in order, I don't something or someone to spoil this.

I want to go home at Christmas (first I'm going to London to my sister) and the whole family would say how thinner I look since summer.. (I don't think I can achieve skinnier as a term).

Looking one year back I want to cry. I was so tired, with my headaches and the bad blood tests. I was so lonely, depressed and unwilling to go to class/for drinks/gym... I hit the lowest of my life. But now I am HERE. Ready, smiling (I try), powerful.

Ready to:

study,

get skinny,

get a tattoo,

become a vegetarian,

fight these voices inside my head.