STOP AND THINK, please

People celebrate with food. People find company and sympathy in food. People think of food as a solid way to function and survive.People don't even have food to function and survive.People find relief from their problems in food.People just love food.People hate food.People have one fucked up relationship with food.

I hate myself for what I have become. I celebrate my weakness and starve for happiness. I smile when hungry and get mad at everyone once I eat too much. I count calories all day long. I think of food more than I think of my family. I crave food and at the same time I hate everything around me for even thinking of eating it. I miss out on relationships because of that. Anti social and kind of bipolar. When I'm feeling thin I am the most enjoyable person to be with. My smile can light up a room. But that happens only on a full moon, some might say. People are afraid of me. They fear my reaction, it changes quite a lot. I fear myself sometimes, too.

But on the other side of the world, at a country called Rwanda, I am responsible for a little girl. This girl lives under the same sky as me, and yet she will never understand what fashion means. How skinny jeans match perfectly with oversized T-shirts and long necklaves. How you can get sad because your third trip abroad (in the same year) MAYBE get cancelled. What means to wake up in a four-room house with clean water and paintings from London and NY and once you look at the mirror you hate your whole life. What means to have your whole family loving you and can't be able to feel any of it. How you have two pet fish, decide to become a vegetarian (have the ability to throw and deny food given to you) and get start a 100euro/month pilates class because you got bored.

The only thing she asks for is to survive. And a letter, every now and then. She likes letters. She also likes purple crayons, I guess, she uses this colour the most to her drawings. The money goes to her community, to help clear the water, fix the ruined houses, build a health care centre.

It makes me sad.

I have become proud of myself for ALL THE WRONG REASONS.

Be like me? lol twice

Chocolate is evil. Strawberry tarts are evil. Salt and oregano crisps are evil. White chocolate mousse is a bitch. And all these came to my house yesterday NIGHT. Okay, I was having a dvd night for 7 of my friends and as I was completely prepared with home made pop corn and wine, they decided to be polite and bring me "something". So my fridge was filled with all these bomb boxes and made my fruits, water, mozzarella cheese and rocket salad suffocate next to them. I couldn't fit a lollipop in my fridge, it was THAT full. God.

Luckily we had a great time, they loved the movie (Corpse Bride) and then along with 3 of them I went for drinks later (a lot later) that night. I woke up, had some chocolate from those left, threw the rest off my fridge and went to Pilates.

I did not panic, so I am all in all (proud) of myself.

I think I'll spend the rest of the day with rocket salad and black coffee.

Yes, that's the plan :)

Can you smile?

Yesterday university classes started and I couldn't be happier! I mean, I hate getting in the same room with that many people, but on the other hand I get to be away from any source of food and crazy thoughts. And, believe me, that's cool.

Last night I went to a concert. This band is huge (local) and it was their last concert, like for ever, so it was pretty awesome. I got so tired though. I also have to be VERY careful with M, a girl from my friends, as she is always asking me if I will go eat with them, or if there are too many calories in something. Maybe it's party my fault (I've got to not talk that much) but now that everything is in order, I don't something or someone to spoil this.

I want to go home at Christmas (first I'm going to London to my sister) and the whole family would say how thinner I look since summer.. (I don't think I can achieve skinnier as a term).

Looking one year back I want to cry. I was so tired, with my headaches and the bad blood tests. I was so lonely, depressed and unwilling to go to class/for drinks/gym... I hit the lowest of my life. But now I am HERE. Ready, smiling (I try), powerful.

Ready to:

study,

get skinny,

get a tattoo,

become a vegetarian,

fight these voices inside my head.

Still?

I really don't think I deserve that many followers.. but you should know I have all of you in my heart for that many reasons (maybe they are even 510 reasons I love you).

Yesterday was fun. Girl's night out. Heels, straighteners, lipsticks and a LOT of clothes on the bed. I decided to wear my jeans, my see-through purple shirt with the front bow and my favourite black heels. I haven't gone clubbing in so long.. When dressing up for the night I decided I was too fat to go, then forced myself out of the house before my crazy thoughts could ruin another night of fun and alcohol. Good choice.

We got so dizzy drinking, we danced, we had some shots and met a group of boys. That's the normal way to go clubbing and I'm happy I was normal enough to do that! I had one of my friends sleeping over, too.

Tomorrow I'm having a dvd night and have invited some people over. Maybe we'll see the movie (Corpse Bride -one of my favourites), maybe we'll ditch the plan and go for drinks cause, hey, university starts on Monday.

As for the tattoo, I'm still thinking about it. It has to be something small, on my wrist or inside my arm. It has to be something to remind me of all the good I have in my life, all the love I receive even if I cannot feel it, all the smiles I have to give to people who care about me. I forget that. I am a lucky girl but so fucked up that I need a tattoo to remind me of that.

Oh, I also ordered this yesterday. Tell me what you think!!

21, obviously.

5 in the morning found me on the balcony. Heavy rain woke me up and I realised my underwear were on the hanger so I had to put them inside. I couldn't sleep after that either so I just read some ELLE.

I have already written about my lucky number. It's 21. It's my birthday, nameday, dad's birthday, favourite pet dog's birthday, first time (you know what), and so on and so forth. In short, if I have to choose a number, it has to be 21.

So here I am, 21 years old, trying to figure out what I want and trying to stay happy. I should make this year a beautiful one. June to June.

So what's the plan? University classes start on Monday, finally. Hard HARD restricting on food starts on Sunday (I can't make "diet" decisions on Mondays, no). Also, pilates is going great, I also have a two hour yoga class every Wednesday!

But the craziest thing is that I decided to get a tattoo. Yes, a permanent one. On Christmas, at London. I am very excited about it, as I wanted to be from a trip :)

Does anyone of you has a tattoo already??

Oh, and for those from my last post, I AM IN.

AND IT'S ON!!

Well,

all in all, I am THAT fat.

Such a mess

I hate days when I have too much to do and I magically decide to not do anything and stay home and watch series. I hate being voluntarily BORED. So today I decided to make the most of my boredom, so I downloaded and watched Earthlings.

It was such an eye-opener. I'm not going to spoil anything for those who haven't seen it (btw it is a MUST see documentary). I mean I knew these things happen, animals suffer, but my family always had farms and gardens and our food was always organic, even though I am a city-girl.

But of course now that I study away from home, on a small island, I depend on the supermarkets and grocery stores for my everyday nutrition. And living on a small town means there's no organic food section on the supermarket, no ready to go diced fruits, no vegetarian meals prepared. Oh, wait we have a fridge with organic eggs, lol. Better to nothing, right?

At the age of 14 I cut cold cuts off my life. I just woke up one day and the smell and taste of them made me sick. My family was terrified at the idea of me becoming a vegetarian (I have anemia) because cutting off such foods and wanting to study Biology were good reasons for them. I loved chicken so this would never happen, I assured them. Still my favourite food is fried chicken with mayo (although I haven't eaten it since I was 18 or so).

I was disgusted and I was appalled by the movie.

But most of all, I was alarmed. So I decided to cut all meat out of my life, secretly.

I spent the day figuring out the best recipe for hummus (nobody here knows what that is, I think). I will try and turn to vegetarianism, checking my blood tests, for a month.

Wish me luck, but I think this was meant to be :)

Grumpy much?

As it turns out, I'm really into pilates. It's only an hour, I could definitely do more but as soon as my life gets in order I would also have one spinning class, one aerobics class and one yoga class. So with two pilates classes, that's a PROPER weekly workout!

(Now I hope my university classes don't get in the way of all these..I'm starting at the end of this month)

Now let me introduce you to two sweeties.. Fillip is the black one and Dafne is the orange! I really miss my Beta Fish, who passed away a month ago.. well these cute creatures can't replace him, but I will give them a chance to try :)

they still look terrified. I hope they soon feel like home!

It's an omen

It's hot hot hot in here!

I'm somehow SO fucking tired of summer.. I had nice holidays, I sunbathed, I swam, I ate, I even partied a bit but that's enough. I want cold weather (which around here is like 10 Celsius the least), sweaters, tea and soups, I want long runs without fainting from the heat and sweating, I want loss of appetite and cosy movie and games nights -and loss of appetite!!(x2).

(I want a boyfriend on winter too, but that's another story)

Yesterday was fun. I like drinking mojitos on an empty stomach, I get dizzy and happy. Me and my girlfriends went for drinks and laughed and gossiped and talked relationships (all single wow) and then met with 3 guy friends -who are so fun- and played pantomime by the sea until 4 in the morning. It was really nice. We were obviously teamed boys-girls and I made one of the boys do "The princess and the pea" (there was a joke from the boys that it was an X-rated movie, it's a fairytale, god!). We laughed so much

I did "Season of the Witch".

In other news, I cannot describe how much I LOVE.. Plug In Baby-Muse :)

have a wonderful week all of you *

Color

Today I woke up to this:

WHAT A MESS!!

no wonder my life is (most of the times) such a mess when (most of the times) my underwear drawer looks like this. So I said Enough! So I washed, dried, ironed, folded all of my laundry and cleaned the space off of old ones (I couldn't seem to say goodbye to some haha).

By the end my drawers looked like this:

So, what do you think? I am very pleased with the results.

Oh, and by the way..

WELCOME NEW FOLLOWERS

She got sex AND a balloon??

Nothing can explain why I ate like a fucking pig today. I can't, either. Until 3pm I didn't even consume one calorie and then (I literally wasn't even hungry) went to the supermarket and bought food. I spent 20 euro on food and in a day managed to finish half of them. Joy.

In order not to kill myself from guilt, I have to give myself credit for last night. I was hungry, oh I was so hungry.. Friend's house, birthday. Put myself a glass of wine and decided I will play with it until the end. No crisps, no sweets, nothing. And then someone said "pizza". Fuck me. I agreed immediately thinking I can get off easily. But then someone said "oh, we should order a vegetarian one, annamaria does not eat ham/turkey". Well, thanks, a whole pizza especially for me, how nice and comfortable I feel right now.. Luckily when pizzas came, some girls decided to play "vegetarian" and ate some of it. I took one slice and smiled while eating it. I was asked thrice if I wanted the last slice (cause.you.know.I.only.eat.that.one) and managed to get off with one slice.

In other news, tomorrow I have my third pilates lesson. I have to say it looks good. I mean the class, not that I noticed any changes, lol. Tonight found me alone at home, cause E had a party (things are kind of tensed between us, I will work on that) so while studying was not an option, I watched "No Strings Attached". I love Ashton. And the movie was nice, I could really see myself through this Emma sometimes.

cause I like raspberries

and I love their colour..

Don't let the ******** get you down

So, good thinking and a happy (looking) face will take you a little further. Nobody likes moody people, not even me. No-moody Mondays are going so well and I am having nice times. Period.

New topic.

Pilates. First lesson. I was a little nervous cause I have none flexibility whatsoever. Swimming, snowboarding, (ice skating), volleyball, basketball, aerobics and spinning. They didn't make me very bend-y. They made me muscular and I pray that pilates will fix it a bit. In a nice way. All in all, I liked it. The teacher is nice too, although he speaks SO quietly! I enjoyed time and even had a conversation with a lady at the changing room. I decided to pay that 100 euro for a month to see what changes will occur.

So gym time has officially begun!! I am completely excited. Really.

Cheers to a new (university) year!

Today's intake: 800

go lower.. and lower.. and a bit lower.

Fame

I spend my days with S, a girl from my university who I was lab partners with last year. She is very nice, pretty and we have the same home-town. We spend our time at Starbucks talking and studying for university. It's very fun.

The thing is that she is skinny and SO toned, she does hip hop and break dance and tango and she has a naturally small body frame. Opposite of me. When I first saw her on first year I thought that if I was her I would be so pretty.. she had horrible taste in clothes and curly hair. But now (that she is my friend) she has straight hair (it looks so good) and has fixed her style a bit. Anyway. She is good inspiration.

Intake was rather high.

All these days it has been 1.000-1.200 and I get really mad at myself. I know I can do lower. I decided to give it a try, so I'm going for my free pilates trial on Monday. I hope I like it.

I HAVE GOT to start working out again!

Pilates info

I did so many things this morning. I love waking up and rush out of the house so early to get my jobs done. Sometimes I love this way, others I just need time to enjoy my coffee and wander around the house a bit.

I went to do my laundry, print the photos I wrote about at my previous post and then went to the pilates studio.. It is a really nice, minimal place with a reception, a big pilates class and some other doors I didn't have the chance to look at. The teacher was rather sweet and my type of guy (you know my love for athletes) and he told me all about the studio. I will go for a free trial on Monday (maybe Tuesday?) and then if I like it I think I'm going to start. It's 100 euro every month, for a pilates class twice a week. I think it's okay or maybe a little too much. The group consists of 4 persons and you get to pick your time and date -obviously.

What do you think?

Do you think twice a week is enough? I have no idea whatsoever.

I can picture myself in there, definitely. I love minimal, alternative ways to work out and the music was so chilling and calming. Too bad is closed at weekends.. I think I will start this, and keep my gym membership cause, well, I have already paid for it, and then on Christmas I will decide which one I prefer.

I also made a collage on my kitchen's cupboards. It's fun and it's really stylish. I have two and a half cupboards to fill in the future with new pictures and great times :)

I love this photo..

let this be me in the (near) future..

T

It really scares me the fact that my mood can fluctuate that much if I feel comfortable in my body. Yesterday I wore my cute light blue dress from Urban Outfitters with a long cardigan and I was ..happy. I mean true happiness. All smiley and stuff. It's ridiculous, but really works. So now I know what I am doing this for. I do it for my mood, for me to feel happy, for those around me who don't deserve my24/7 bitchiness or depression, I do it for a lovely wardrobe. (I have already prepared two bags with old clothes to give to charity)

I spent a few hours today digging photos off my computer's files. Such a mess. Holiday photos, graduation photos, family photos, presentation photos, thinspiration photos, Christmas photos, Mary-Kate's and Ashley's photos, snowboarding photos, photos partying with people I don't talk any more, ex boyfriend's photos (btw it's my ex's birthday today.just saying, no comment). I moved EVERYTHING to Pictures. Now I can work with that. I'm thinking of printing some of them and put it on a wall at my house. Fridge was the obvious solution, so I'm not doing it.

Any good ideas? I'm thinking of dressing my kitchen cupboards with them. That way my kitchen can be a display room, it's of no use most of the times anyway..

I'm drinking a diet coke right now, waiting for CSI Las Vegas to start on tv. Tomorrow I'm going to this pilates studio to ask for information so hopefully I will get started on that if it's not TOO expensive.

I promise when semester starts and my life is more in order, I will post intake and calories and kilos and everything. For now you will have to go through my everyday ramblings..

oh, I thought about this. If anyone feels the need or wants to ask me something, here's my email: annamaria.sec@hotmail.com (I also want to do a Q&A post, so I'm waiting for your questions lovelies!)

and my Tumblr: Anklets & Skulls

well that's a long post! A big kiss to you, if you've made it till the end!

Apples, pears, strawberries...

Fuck it. I never was a happy person, but I'm just apathetic to my surroundings. Again. I do things I want to, yet I don't find pleasure in doing them. It's like I have to force myself to be happy. The good things that are going on, I just take them for granted so I don't let myself get happy. Then one bad thing happens and I start the self blaming and the self hating.

I have a very bad energy around me lately.

p.s. Can some people just say "thank you" and shut the fuck up?

Poke

I made myself a September promise. I don't get mad on Mondays. I try to stay calm and start my week nice and peacefully. Otherwise it's bad karma, no? I succeeded twice already. I just take a deep breath, smile and forget it happened. Anything that blocks my good karma can stay out of my way. Let me say here I don't believe that much in karma, though I know it can be a bitch.

I passed my genetics exam. Yeyy me! My score was low, but I can keep the pass and take it again next year. Will do. I just need the pass to take some more classes. I'm thinking of Sexually Transmitted Diseases class and In-vitro Fertilization class along with German. September's exams are not over but I don't know if they will be cancelled. I hope not, I need to pass some more. Last September I had some health problems so I failed all my classes so you see the rush, right??

In other news, grilled salmon and vegetables for lunch. So totally perfect!

ohh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my sis !!

I LOVE HER*

Him again

Sunday morning. Haven't slept quite well, apparently one long island iced tea wasn't enough to knock me down. Keep thinking stuff, keep melting in my pyjamas with E sleeping next to me like everything is all good. Yes, everything is all good but I just can't sleep. Walked around the apartment, fixed my hair (4 in the morning, I'm crazy I know) and decided to open the air condition. I've had enough of sleepless nights, I deserve some sleep translated to a huge electricity bill. At least I think I do. We'll see at the end of the month.

In other news, I'm so excited at the idea of working at Barcelona next summer. In some university's lab. That would be AWESOME. I know it will, I've been once more to Barcelona and liked it very much! I love Salvador Dali, too. We will see how that goes, it's just an idea for now.

I can't wait for everything to go back to normal. For E and her sister to move in together next to me, for semester to begin, to meet new people (I would really like some guy friends), to lose some fucking weight and to start gym again. Seriously.

My Tumblr account is so beautiful. I love posting and reblogging amazing photos of people, nice quotes, animals and alternative stuff I like.

I like indian style but secretly

I would love to be a pirate..

Black latte

I have got to take my sleeping pills. I cannot spend my nights twirling at bed and watching the time every twenty minutes. I woke up rather energetic, surprisingly. Had my coffee and prepared to study. I study on the floor, I find it very powerful to sit on the floor. I feel connected to the earth, somehow. Craziness.

I made a deal with myself. No sweets for a month. I don't care if I haven't eaten for three days and all I have is ice cream, I won't eat anything sweet until October. My only treat will be sugar free jello. I only eat salad, cheese, coffee and chicken breast and I manage to screw things up with ice cream or chocolate binging.

So no.

I want my next order from Asos to have some pretty awesome things that this time I get to wear and feel great. I want to feel pretty again.

Can I tell you a secret? I don't like the fact that suddenly I became the ..second friend. I don't mean ugly, just that I was used everybody to like ME, not my friend. I'm a total bitch, I know. It just brings me down when everyone we meet likes E, even though she's got my style and copies (in a good way) my attitude. But shhh, don't tell. I am a good friend and she is too, just I find it annoying. I have to get over it, get slowly off my high horse (I guess) and feel pretty again.

And be happy for my friend, ideally.

In other news, I have a girl-crush on Mila Kunis.

Noodles.

Absolutely worthless day. Woke up with a headache -don't you just love that? Then I got a stomach-ache and then my period showed up. It was about time, I guess. I was starting to think my boobs will get bigger and bigger and then explode. Let me tell you, I don't like big boobs. I will say they look good on others, but I just can't work with them. Anyway, happy to announce that in three days I will de-bloat. Finally.

In other news, cellulite appeared. So enjoyable, every September, it's just amusing (not). It's also a reminder to get off my ass and start gym again.

Mum keeps saying I have to speak in a more calm way. Sure mum, you may be right but you chose my first day of period to bring that up? That's just wrong.

I was going to go shopping today. With E. She complains she has gained weight. Anyway, I don't know if I want to go shopping just yet. I think I'm going to wait a month to see if I can drop a size. Ideally I would want some loose V-neck shirts and some dark coloured plain casual dresses. I want a cross necklace too. Oh, and some cold weather, if I can find some.

Pretty please.

when in doubt, total black is the answer.

I love her. nuffsaid

MaxiSkirt*

Hectic day, really. Woke up at 8.30 and made a wonderful coffee. I liked it so much that on 10 I made another one. Lately the days don't end up how they are intended to. I guess now these two coffees and another one later were really helpful.

Let me explain. We had a meeting. Me and other 80 people. At the university, at 3pm. I left the hot, smoky room at 7.30pm after four and a half hours of talking and listening. Exhausted as I was, with only three coffees in my stomach and one peach juice, I went for drinks and then games. I had some grilled vegetables with goat cheese somewhere between. Now I'm finally in bed, lying happily..

Some of you may wonder what happened to my exams. Good question. Yes, indeed I had an exam tomorrow but it got cancelled because of that meeting. I don't even know when I will have it. I am a little relieved cause it's a difficult exam and with the panic attacks and all I spent so little time with my books.

I also feel weird about something. BUT it's all about skinny and smiling

SMILING, right?

Have a great night and a wonderfully happy month :)