:* :* :* and many many more

Well, this is the last 2011 post.
I don't want to try and remember this past year, cause I'm sure I'll stay on the bad times. For a fact. So I'll just skip this part.

I will try to smile as I am writing this, even though I never felt uglier and more unwanted in my life. I think, maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, smiling and typing. Resolutions. Even though I put mine on my birthday I feel I much need a list right now.

It goes something like this:
1. smile more. (you can't change the people around you, you can however choose who you want to be with. choose wisely and don't let them ruin your life with their fake drama)
2. work on your body- on your health. (yes, actually believe that your body is a temple and that the power to live well, succeed and feel beautiful comes from within)
3. have more sex. (enjoy your single life as long as you want to keep it, gain experience, get closer with people without the fear of getting hurt or emotional)
4. work for your grades. (potential is what you have. now fucking delete all these series from your laptop, stop whining and spend your time doing constructive things for biology)
5. have a tattoo. (nuff said)
6. never stop dreaming but don't be afraid to live your dreams when time comes (x2)

7. (like what? you think I wouldn't number this?) loose weight. get what you want, this 55 on the scale, these collarbones, a bigger thigh gap, a less puffy face. a perfect-feeling body leads to perfect clothes which leads to a perfect smile on my face. so here we are on number one again. this is life.

-->be the queen of your life. like, seriously<--

HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY LOVELIES*

S.a.d. just a little

Fucking great. Alone in the house, again. Looking at an expensive photo frame with a very old photo from my birthday. I remember this birthday, my dress was so lovely. I was 10, maybe 11. But much stronger I remember the day this picture was put into that frame. It's an expensive frame, there was no reason for this picture put in it.

But there was. Ten years ago, a Saturday (maybe Sunday) morning. My father was in the house (Wednesdays and weekends only, as he works far away from home). It was one of these weight in's mornings, he reminded me. Every two days, in the morning. I had gained. Everybody saw. I burst into tears... No one could make me stop crying, so my mum sat me down, gave me this beautiful photo frame and helped me choose a nice photo to put in it. Nice try, although it did not make me feel much better.

December 2011. I once again regret coming home so many days for holidays, even though I'm staying the least I could. My body feels sick, I won't be able to fit in my dress on New Year's Eve. My mind keeps multi tasking, anything away from here. Everyone here has this everyday life, far different from mine. I look inferior. I feel inferior. I feel many other things, that I am trying to suppress. It's kinda sad my year ends with guilt and sadness once again, but oh well...

*at least a resolution post is coming up next

Breathe deep

A rather late Merry Christmas to you all :)
I am posting from my parent's house, where I grew up. Holidays like this bring the family all together. Everyone is here and we got a bunny, too. I am baby-bunny sitting for a week, he is gorgeous!!

In other news, I don't feel okay.I constantly feel guilt (for every reason and no specific reason), fat and ugly. I want to lock myself in my bedroom with my books, the bunny and a latte until New Year's. But no. I have to eat with my family, go shopping with my family, go for drinks with my friends. I don't know why these things make me so fucking uncomfortable.

Thinking of the "New Year's Resolutions" (although I place mine on my birthday). I'm going to make a list. A small one. I have so many things that need to get done that are so big to put on the list.
Anyway, this glass of wine made me all dizzy and the bunny hops like crazy even though it's 1 in the morning.

How was everyone's Christmas?
So sorry I have to secret-post for the days I'm staying here..

Morning rant.

It's sunny. Again. Okay, maybe it's not that hot anymore but it's definitely not Christmas weather. Speakers outside of my window play "Silent Night" again and I try to cover it up with Starlight from Muse. I think it's working. I don't like Christmas songs. No, wait, I hate Christmas songs.

You what else I hate? Blogger. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with it. My posts appear on my dash three hours after I've published them and NOW I cannot post links because the freaking button is missing. Why, Blogger?

I'm sorry if I came a little strong. I'm just getting nervous for season holidays. I have to do homework, housework, straighten my hair and not eat at the same time. I'm leaving on Friday. (my nails look like shit, I will miss my fish cause they'll stay here, I'm nowhere near skinny again, I will be forced to eat for 15 days, ughhhhhhh)
Oh, I went shopping last night. I got a wine-coloured pair of skinny jeans and I went to Intimissimi too to buy that black bralette they have on their site (so cute). It was gone, of course, so no bra. I plan on going with my mom next week so I can get some more things, she always offers to pay. I promise a shopping post if I get new things over the holidays, with pictures and all :)

jealous of her on SO MANY LEVELS right now

Thinking back on when we first met

Okay, so today every girl on the street was looking at me. Like, what the fuck. My friend noticed it, too. I mean I was occupied with dizziness cause I only had water and coffee for like 20 hours and I was just feeling great going shopping with E. Every girl who passed us was starring at me like in my stomach-chest area and at first we were laughing but as it continued we were rather scared. E kept looking at me trying to find something that stood out but I was all "normal". I was wearing my oversized light green shirt with a cute necklace. I really don't know.

In other news, I really forced myself to eat today. I am getting this feeling again that eating is such a waste of money, time and water when doing the dishes. I know though this isn't something normal to believe in. It worries me, really. I don't want to get mentally sick (well, more than I already am) cause people can see and cause it will ruin my life.

RANDOM MONDAY THOUGHTS. <-- it's a section I am trying, every post will have a little ranting, tell me if you would like to read my crazy way of thinking.
I need to go get my eyebrows shaped again, before going home. On saturday (when the..date was) I was feeling so ugly. His friends came at the bar too and there was a lot of starring to see who I am, what I look like, cause he has/had a major crush on me for a while (year and a half). I was aware of all this starring and kept thinking: oh, my.. What will they think? I am so ugly and I am playing hard to get, I mean really. Why do they even smile at him, they should tell him I am not worth all this. Kept drinking and feeling awkward but at the same time I was smiling and pretending to be so cool and mainstream.

While most of the times, well, I AM NOT.

The sleepless weekend Vol2

I kept staring at the ceiling. Random thoughts. Mixed feelings. Do I want him here? Holding my feet warm, filling my glass of wine, making me laugh. Do I even want to be here? Looking at the ceiling so hard I could almost feel in coming down at me. Would it really matter, if the ceiling would match the floor? Would it be that bad? Drink some more wine, tell me about your past.. Don't make me do this, I will break your heart before I could even hold it in my hands. Mine is non functional, apparently. That's pretty obvious.

You like to notice things. I keep secrets, I'm weird, I like staring at candles, I don't eat, I drink. My hair smells nice. Why would you say that? Don't. Don't try to understand me, I never could. I'm not a player, I'm not a selfish bitch, I'm not heart broken from the love of my life. You cannot "cure" me, so don't bother trying.

Save yourself.

24 hours a day won't do, thanks

I had this nightmare (I always have it before going back home actually), that everyone has got thinner and thinner and I am the only fatty left. It is disturbing, really. Even though from my group of "family" (6 girls) I always had the more toned and tight body, you girls know that it's not what I want to achieve. It's a result from years of swimming, ice skating, gymnastics, running, volleyball and hardcore professional aerobics and step classes since the age of two.

You also know that I've started pilates since September, because I saw the WONDERS it did to one of my friends. It does work, my arms are seriously more toned, my upper stomach is flatter and shape-y and my butt is up where it's supposed to be (sic).

But no one is going to help you loose that freaking weight if you don't do it for yourself. Exactly one week left before going back home. Before seeing the girls, my friends, my guy friend, my ex probably and some people you don't want to see but always bump to during holidays.

So for this week I decided to keep it low. 600 tops and that's because my social life has somehow increased before holidays, I mean I don't have a freaking evening empty to watch a movie.

-Tonight is games night, tmrrw I have the spa (christmas gift) and then a date lol, sunday cinema time with the girls and then boom monday, K comes back to town, I wonder how that will be- I'll let you know.

Of course I have also this major exam in Human Genetics

on Wednesday. Like, yeah.

Christmas rant.

Woke up to Christmas songs blasting from a street speaker I didn't know I had outside my window. I had the weirdest look on my face, like wtf?? but then I remembered Christmas are coming, so people should get all jolly and stuff.

Don't get me wrong. I like holidays. Shopping, decorating the tree, giving and receiving presents but that's all there is to it for me. I am not a very religious person, I wasn't raised to be one and I don't feel bad about it. I have done a little research and, studying Biology has made me realise what I want to believe in and what I think is just brainwashing.

In my head Christmas day is just a day to see relatives and eat until your chair starts ticking. The real event (if you will) is the coming of the New Year, and not so much Jesus birthday (that it's not even on 25/12 but whatever).

So, for people reading this who are religious: that is only how I see this time of the year, if you enjoy going to church and praying then go and have a nice time. For people who don't celebrate Christmas: don't hate, just be happy for the New Year that's coming and let the rest of the people enjoy their holidays too.

Religion is a very sensitive issue, I have come to realise, it gives people hope and strength at times. I think for educated people is just something you do for yourself and you should really not use it as weapon to hurt other people's feelings.

No. Just no.

I wish everyone HAPPY HOLIDAYS

oh and I wish this music would start like, from 11 in the morning instead of 9?

Like, please?

look at Dafne, all dressed up in her bowl

the other was too shy to shoot:D

An unexpected post.

I am calm right now. I decided to post when the craziness has gone, and I think this is the time. I'm feeling okay, laying on my bed with my towel and silly shower headband on my hair. Christmas lights on, warm room and some lavender smelling in the air.

Of course anyone who can see me in public will notice: bitten nails, fast walk, awkwardly looking down, headphones cutting me off from the world.

I don't feeling comfortable with the world lately, no. I feel people looking at me and hear the voices. You know what voices, we've all heard them.

"Omg, look at this girl, doesn't she know she looks like that?",

"was it necessary to wear THAT top? you look so fat",

"your hair looks ridiculous",

"what are YOU looking at me, go look yourself at a mirror",

and so on...it can seriously drive you crazy, if not lead you to a panic attack.

but no. I breathe deeply and convince myself that I am a nice, interesting person to meet and yes, sometimes I am pretty. End of story.

smile to the world.feel safe in your body.

maybe that will be on my resolutions this year...

Eyes open.

Good mood apparently continues on a Sunday morning, even though I have some I'm.so.stupid.and.ugly.and.fat moments every now and then (passing by a mirror, looking at my uni grades). But, having some people in my life believing in me and encouraging me make a huge difference -yes, that includes all of you, my lovely followers :)

I'm invited for lunch to a friends house. I've lost a kilo this past week that I was upset and I'm not looking to get it back. Two weeks until flying home and I plan on loosing some more. It's quite simple: don't have breakfast, have much coffee, eat for lunch later on the afternoon, have some fruit and go to sleep with a glass of wine in your system. Sweet and empty dreams guaranteed (dizzy not yet, I'm waiting for it though).

In the meantime study your brains out, don't go out for drinks often, don't spend money on delivery food (duh) and save to go shopping at London! I know some of the things I want already. Some V neck white/grey oversized shirts, comfy sweaters, a leather jacket, a pair of these and some purple skinny jeans/thick leggings. I dream of the day when I will feel comfortable in my body and the clothes I choose to wear. I can dream right?

Cinnamon

If I don't drink one glass of cold water when I wake up, I feel sick for the rest of the day. I believe it's something my father taught me, one of the many weird things he taught me. He was very protective of me (and my body), always washing the extra sugar off of my candy (that's another weird thing I do with sugar coated candy) or insisting I keep one of my iphone headphones off while walking so I can know what's happening around me.

Anyway, so I woke up in an apartment with no mineral water. This means no coffee, either. I panicked really. The thing is that I've got a guy delivering water bottles to my apartment cause I live on the third floor and walking up 62 steps with water bottles is just unacceptable to me and my back. So he kinda forgot me yesterday. He's here now though :)

Yesterday was a good day. I ate so little, my fever was gone, I had pilates class and no university classes. I was in a really good mood (deep inside I know it was because of the low cal intake, sadly) and got some red Christmas lights, that I will keep all year round. I also wore my faux leather leggings, I got some compliments (from girls though lol). Anyway it was a very weird moment I have to post about. So do you remember that guy with the wonderful eyes I was talking some posts ago?

My friend was waiting for me to come down from my apartment so I thought it was a good idea to get my trash out too. I packed 4 (FOUR) bags of every crap thing from my apartment and barely could move walking down the stairs. So when I got down I saw him waiting too. I was like "fuck, what are YOU doing here? I cannot play cool when I'm hidden behind trash bags". So embarrassed. Anyway I laughed and talked to him with a stupidbuthugesmile on my face. God.

He makes my face all smiley, so does his friend though. I could so easily date any one of them. It would be a nice way to get out of this situation I was a week ago (with the other two guys, with the lies and the fights). They are new, nice and these four (blue) eyes look at me and I die. What is wrong with me and triangles lately??

i think i need this necklace

Hold your breath

Bad news continue to haunt me. This has been one shitty week, I have to admit. I have been feeling so blue, moody and a bit feverish. On top of things, my exams schedule is announced. I start on Friday, 13th January. Heartless much?

Of course I could see that coming, that's why I cancelled my snowboard holidays to France for this New Year's Eve. It's not that I was looking very much forward to it, but I always prefer snowboard to studying, who doesn't. I have very difficult courses this semester... Human Genetics, Evolution, Molecular Biology, Biotechnology, to name a few. They're actually 10 of them. Put me in your prayers, really...

The only thing that makes me happier just by thinking about it is that I will (maybe) go to London after the exams. I don't know how to call it, but I feel safe when I am there, I feel calm walking around London streets and cycling at the parks. Maybe it's because at the age of 15 I travelled there alone and made it to the town where my sister was with a suitcase and a train ticket. What was I thinking?

anyway, London always succeeds to get my mind off silly things. As soon as I book my plane ticket, I will make an appointment for a tattoo, too. I have thought of several things but I think I have settled. I wanted to have it on the inside of my left wrist but it's a full sentence so there won't be enough space for it.

Today I'm having black coffee and if I find the appetite I will have a mixed salad and a granola with yoghurt. Putting them together it will be around 650 cals. It's a number I like.

I like that font.

Explanatory post.

Let me just start by saying that I will not say where I live. Not that I have many followers from Europe, or from my country whatsoever, but with internet one can never know. I'll just say (once again) that I study on a little european island away from my home.

So. When I moved here, three years ago, I was a bit "spoiled" as a girl who had been almost all over Europe on trips for snowboard and summer holidays by the age of 18. My clothes are mostly from Topshop and Urban Outfitters (we don't even have an H&M) and I travelled to the USA last year, a dream some people here think it will never come true. And my friends from school were in the same situation more or less.

But most of the people I met here had never been on a plane, didn't know how to pronounce latte (OR what it was) and without realising it, I stood out a bit.

Let me give you an example. Once a friend of mine called a Mac computer ("ipod, but a computer"). It was very funny but eye-opening at the same time. Every time I went home for Christmas or summer I would get a bit depressed on what I took for granted in life.

Don't get me wrong. I don't come for a vastly rich family. I don't spend hundreds of euro just for fun and I didn't ride unicorns to school. I am just lucky enough to grow up in a big (extended) family where parents wanted to give their children the best (like every parent) but at the same time they were so strict to us to appreciate money. My first job was at a furniture factory when I was seven years old, during the summer. It was probably the easiest job ever, but the purpose was to be around different kinds of people and realise what it takes to make money. So I can surely say I am a down to earth girl, thanks to my parents.

Returning to the purpose of the post, some people made fun of me because I wanted "extraordinary things" (a cupcake-non existent here, a pilates class, sushi) or when I got seriously thrilled when I discovered there was a Starbucks nearby! I don't mind, the way I see it this is only a waiting room for me (quote stolen from some movie). I don't plan on staing here.

I'm going to live in London, maybe Rome but no, not here.

(say it 3 times cause it's true)

The fairytale's gone bad.

So it's true. I cannot function correctly when it comes to boys interested in me. I feel very confident around ANY guy that I think is my friend, I'm this "funny, interestingly weird girl" and when some of them decide to get more interested in me I suddenly become a "moody bitch who breaks hearts for a hobby". Nuff said.

I'm feeling so blue today. Yesterday, while gossiping at a sleepover, I learned so many things that have happened without me knowing. People lying, people fighting over me (wtf) and I don't want any of them. It's like they take so much energy from me.

Maybe if they all just leave me alone and go fix their problems first, maybe then I can fix mine and start smiling again. So many thoughts that not even sushi for dinner didn't cheer me up.

I updated my status "studying all night" and everyone can go to hell. I cannot be in the middle of their foolish games, I have a life, university, two fish, an ED and a scale to scare me taking care of them.

p.s. a note here, the guys I choose are ALWAYS strangers. this is what I want. someone outside of my everyday life, with friends and past of his own. I deny to choose among my friends for a relationship, it just not triggers me on that level. and no, I don't believe on people falling in love.

p.s.2 new post on Dark Romanticism :D

hey, you.

You're cuter than the cat.

Always post on a Sunday

Fucking fruit flies project is done. I still can't believe it, I was so deprived from sleep this past week due to it and along with the fake drama that has been following me lately the situation was horrible. Nevertheless, last night was a birthday dinner/clubbing one, and I sure had some (awkward) fun. I got to wear my new heels and drink so much.

Okay, fake drama related paragraph (*skip it if you want*). I think I somehow got involved in a love/sex triangle. Maybe it's a square, I'm really not that sure. My hands are tight, cause even though I don't care about my feelings, when it comes to hurting others (who actually believe in love) I become an extremely thoughtful person. I care for others so much because anyone who gets near me hurts my feelings, or worse, get their feelings hurt. I don't want to hurt people just cause I am a fuck up. That's why I go home alone every night. :)

New topic. Sushi! ohh.. I found a really lame chinese restaurant near my house that claimed to be making sushi. Many people here don't even know what sushi means so I was surprised they had it on the menu. I thought well, I should try a california maki roll with crab and it was delicious! Kinda salty, but at least average I have to admit. So now I know what my lunch will be from now on. I can live on avocado-cucumber-crab rolls. Yay, people!

are you motivated never to eat again? I am..pilates has toned me even more,

but if I don't loose some weight I'm never getting there..

In

No time for this either. Woke up and it was December, oh god.

I'm playing the anorexic. I always feel safe in this role. There are no remorse for doing it, no guilt for eating and of course the feeling of a dizzy head and flat stomach is so nice. I'm sorry if anyone of you find this triggering or wrong OR unacceptable and disgusting to think of.

Late night update: a few hours earlier one of my girl friends told me that she got inspired by me since we started to hang out. She eats healthier and tries to exercise more often. Well, yes, I was happy to hear that from her (since I like being a "personal trainer" at such topics and I ALWAYS give the correct advice to people when it comes to fitness and diets) but oh, the irony!

Especially today...

I want to go shopping so badly.