Oh, luckily

So this post is only a month late but guess what? I went shopping!! and actually had fun.

As funny as this may sound I'm so proud of myself, cause even though I had a horrible morning at uni today, I slept for 3 hours and then got myself to Zara, Zara Home and Strandivarius (?). I used to love shopping alone, and decided not to take my ipod with me. It was fun, like old times fun :D

At trousers I am a UK size 38-40 usually. I have sort of wide hips so I prefer 40 because I wear my clothes kinda baggy. But today I tried on 3 trousers size 38 and they were big. So I'm thinking I haven't lost any, and the trousers don't fit me. Wtf? Happily enough I tried 36 but it was kinda second skin to me. I cannot wear these things so tight, unlike every girl here. I feel they look ridiculous. So didn't got any new trousers -I so wanted a military styled. Anyway, of course I bought few things to wear to university every day because I had enough of my stupid jeans. And here's a photo of them all... As you can see I'm not a fan of bright colours, I prefer black or grey.

This bag is from Strandivarius, and I was looking for a leather black bag for so long! Hope it looks nice and it's practical. Zara Home has lots of nice things too, but I shall wait for my mom who comes next week to re-decorate the house.

Enough of this, I feel much better now. I cancelled my yoga for the night, and I feel so bad already but I just don't have the strength needed to go. I'll sleep instead. Tmrrw I have my first MicroBiology Lab.

It's 4 hours but I'm much excited about it!

have a nice day you all*

How low can you go?

So this is the new reality for me, apparently.

My parents called four times today. My dad almost cried. What a joy, I made my dad this unhappy. I don't feel nice about it, I bought my new pills today. They are pink and really cheap (1.40 euro and the box has 20 of them). I must take 2 per day followed by an orange juice. Must. For 15 days. And THEN we might see some improvement (that means more blood tests).

It's cool. I can do this.

So I spent all the day thinking. So that is why all the silly things I enjoyed doing had no fun lately. Like going to the supermarket (my big love wondering around the floors), or mopping the floor and shopping. That's why when my sister asked what do I want her to bring from NY I said nothing. She realised sth is wrong, cause the last time my list had about 20 things -she brought like 3 but that's not the point. Because I am sick. Sounds funny.

So what do I do now? I mean thinspo-wisely. It's not sth you forget from a day to another. I thought I have a main meal at around 3 which will contain the correct foods:

• Meat/fish/poultry
• Fruits: Orange, Orange Juice, cantaloupe, strawberries, grapefruit etc
• Vegetables: Broccoli, brussels sprouts, tomato, tomato juice, potato, green & red peppers
• White wine

too bad spinach is not in there..

I can't think and I realise that now, it's the problem. I'll try my best and do this. Tmrrw I will force myself to go to Zara and actually buy sth (oh, god this is not me saying that, is it??) because I have nothing to wear at classes.

I'm off to go wash my hair, I feel them funny. Hope I don't loose them, this is the thing I like most about my self. Don't get that away from me.

I sound pathetic, I know.

Face the problem. Solve it.

I'm back at my home, on my island reading your blogs and studying Classic Genetics -welcome, new semester! I had a ..nice time over the weekend with both good and bad times, and some boring ones I must admit. So things didn't go quite as I had planned and of course my head ached too, with my parents noticing it. Of course we are not the kind of family that runs to the doctor, but with all these stuff lately I was sent to have excessive blood tests right away. And man that was fast, my results are out already. Mummy called as I was on the boat and started yelling.

Lets quote: "AnnaM yes, your results are out and I already had a doctor to see them. So yes, they are worse than ever, she actually said that whoever owns this results must be already crawling from bed to bed, and you are talking to me about yoga??

ferritin simply does not exist and you are highly anemic, your headaches is just the start of it all, soon a memory loss problem will follow and you won't be able to think. oh, almost forgot, my hair will fall too."

Ha, I know that already, why do you think I failed my exams and cannot do a fucking thing right mom??

Okay, WHY?

Because all I can see is me starving myself to the point that I cannot think and remember anything (expect what I ate yesterday.. that's quite easy, nothing!) and for what? I haven't lost a fucking pound, I feel more huge than ever and everyone keeps telling me how skinny I am. Then why does the stupid scale show 56.5? Even 57?

Result: Starting from tmrrw, two pills each day. And food. The right food and in correct amounts. I know another funny story though, the pills I can take, but with the food we'll have a problem I'm so sorry.

So let's end this post with the line my mum told me before we get the results.

"I didn't let you study in London, because the weather is nicer here and the food is better. But fuck it, your only concern is not to gain weight. Really, I don't see the point of you being so stupid about this."

-and you know what? I cannot see it either..

Smile once in a while.. ok?

Posting from my hometown.. yes, after a hundred times of unpacking and packing and a long call from my mom crying over the phone I decided to go. I really really wasn't in the mood but she was devastated and she wanted to see me. Missed me much. Ha, okay then..

But the thing is that I am two days here and I have cried two times. Another two days and luckily I have to go back. Lessons start on Tuesday, I must leave then. This is the time when I probably have to tell you what is wrong here. Why all this crying and so much drama, right?

I am a perfectionist. That's that. But my parents are in a whole other level.

So their new thing is that "little AnnaM has no friends, girls doesn't talk to her after a year or so and her relationship didn't last long (I had to tell them about Di, to leave me alone). Poor her, she is alone in her island and here nobody talks to her. Let's push her, investigate every time she will go out and above all lets be a little ironic every time she's out".

What a pity, right? Of course all this bullshit isn't true, is just that I'm not that outgoing. I have friends, and I have girls who don't talk to me, I have boys who like me and I like others. I am just a typical girl my age with a plus of a secret ED. Such a big deal!! But I have come to the point that I feel they think I'm sick or sth. This is their only concern about me, I am really convinced to see a therapist if they suggest so. I feel this sickness that they have decided for me. I'm already crazy and don't need some extra. Really NOT. Leave me alone for now, you're driving me insane.

Enough of this, I went for drinks with my guy friends last night, we had fun and two bottles of wine. Got drunk a bit and texted my ex -we were dating at 18- so he 's calling me today to meet me. I told him maybe tmrrw we'll meet but he called anyway to see where I am. I went with my parents -who were shocked by the fact that it's bothering me what they're doing- for frozen yoghurt and a rainy walk, and tmrrw I have other plans.

I'll tell you how that will go :)

So I have to relax and go to sleep now, my head hurts again so my mom instead of shutting the fuck up when I told her, chose to make a speech about me not taking my pills and how stupid it is, about how she can only feel my bones when she hugs me, about me not taking care of myself in general.

Shoot! how did I miss that?

Delightful isn't it?

My news.. I finished the fucking exams, I watched Step Up 3 and absolutely loved it, I booked a ticket to go to my hometown by boat (cause yeah I'm THAT stupid), went to a photograph expedition and ate Chinese food alone watching The Big Bang Theory.

Yesterday I came home at 11pm and I was getting ready to go to sleep, feeling already guilty about that chinese food and some chocolate I had. Apparently E called me enthusiastic enough to tell me that the DJ invited her to The Bar, so please please pleaaaase we LIKE REALLY HAVE TO GO.

Oh, boy..Why do you want to torture me??
Anyway I'm supportive cause he is her crush like five months now so I got dressed and got out of the house once again. We were the only girls at his table -only girls in general, I'm not sure- and one of his friends had his birthday so count with me ladies:
two bars, two beers, three shots, one vodka. Shit. So among his friends aged 22-29 there was one guy who was 19 and a basketball player. Yeah, totally my thing, or to put it better I seem to be they're thing (my two ex's are basketball players ages 19 and 20). But he really wasn't my type, I'm more of a sporty-preppy style lover and he was more of a skater boy (long hair.. like, really??) So he kept talking and talking but I wouldn't mind because I was there for a cause and the DJ finally kissed E!!!

Like FINALLY, So Success!!*
but then he was like oh, do you think that AnnaM would do sth with my friend? I really did not see that coming so I created once again an imaginary boyfriend. I do that a lot. He didn't seem to mind and that pissed me off.

Oh god, you are writing a post and 20 minutes and two phone calls later everything gets fucked up!

Like, I'm in the middle of sth here, dear parents...please don't call and make me mad, please don't do that!

ANYWAY long story short, I'm not even going to my hometown,

I'm staying right here alone with my fish.

Ugh

p.s. new My Chemical Romance song!!!!

it's called "Na Na Na" and I love it, totally catchy :)

Tequila ho ho

I just got back from the gym. So apparently I decided not to write the stupid test and have fun. Fun. I'm not sure many people would think of two gym classes as fun. Well I do.

I drank my vitamin, put on my leggings and walked to the gym, instead of taking the bus. Ready for an hour of intense Body Combat and then -with no stop- a Yogalates class. I'm alive!!

Wow my legs hurt :)

I had fun though, and maybe I will do this every Monday. I came home exhausted and had half of a vegetable soup (50cals?), had a bath, painted my nails (god they look sooo ugly idk why) and know I am doing two things:

a) listening to radio -my male best friend has a show :)

b) trying to make up one guy with his ex cause he is so annoying lately. if he wants sympathy sex, well he won't get it from me -he has made it clear though 500times he likes me much, but come on I'm clever than that.

So this is one of my favourite bands and a personal favourite song too. I relate to the video clip but I don't really know why.

anyway.. hope you like it. Relationships do suck though, friendships and sexual ones, so what if I'm protecting myself from getting hurt?

Being an unemotional bitch really serves me well lately, boy-wise at least.

Oh..great the light will go of any minute.. okay okay

GOODNIGHT :D

She sleeps late& doesn't wake up well.

So apparently I should give up lying to myself that I can study. The whole weekend I was carrying around a 2kilo (?) book and didn't even open it. Shoot!

Well I appreciate your good comments on my last photo, although I don't believe these legs are skinny. Because they're not. And today they are no good too, cause of yesterday's night running. I find it so difficult to loose weight, especially because today my intake was about 5000 cals. Or more.

Great, right?

Let's talk about make up. Since we are all girls round here I could really use some help. So I am not much of a make up fan. My make up (day or night) consists of a blush, some mascara, a mat cherry lipstick and some make-up if my skin looks really awful. Of course I have two cases full of pencils and eye shadows that I hardly ever use. Such a same.

I don't always put on all these things, but I never leave the house without some mascara. So I need your opinions. I'm thinking about buying the Chanel Inimitable mascara. I've heard it's very good but it's a bit pricey so I have doubts. Luckily I'm out of blush too so I'm getting the Givenchy powder blush Loving pink which I already use and loving it.

*What do you use for your make up?

Oh, and since this is a beauty post, I really love perfumes!! I love smelling different at certain occasions. My favourite is Chanel Coco Mademoiselle but I also have Juicy from Juicy Couture and Victoria's Secret Noir. Each and every one of them reminds me of different things. And my mom told me she got me from duty free Lola from Marc Jacob. I went to a store to smell it and it was quite flower-ish. I hope it smells good on me cause I like more "heavy" tones.

As you can see I invest money on perfumes. It's the only thing I like spending money on.

*What are your favourite perfumes?

Ring any bells??

Thumbs up for the weird dreams that come true..

of course luckily only one out of the 3 stupid complicated dreams I saw last night came sort of true. And yes, I will handle that, too. I'm used to fucked up things lately, so no worries..

Blah post cause I really want chocolate right now, so it's better to type than eat. Not that there is any chocolate around here. But I might get nasty and put my shoes on.

Noooo.. the only time I'm putting my shoes on is at 8.30 when I'm going running.

It's still 6..

Speaking of shoes and because of my last post about legs etc I decided to put up here a picture. I don't really like putting photos of me for multiple reasons so obviously my face doesn't show. And I also made it black&white, you already know I adore this style of photos.

So here you can see my soon-to-be bedroom, my straightener, some of my shoes (lindsay, I haven't thought of turning my fridge into a closet, but this is kinda full so why not? lol) and my legs. Oh, I want skinny skinny legs......

oh, yes..you can also see my small boobs haha, sorry about that :)

This is no ordinary l o v e

I guess I owe an apology and a big thank you for my last post.

I am extremely bipolar and I can't talk to anyone else sometimes. Sometimes you know you sound crazy and you don't need help because it will only make matters worse.

I just got back from my yoga class and I am calm.. as calm as I can be, studying BioChemistry, painting my nails and posting. Oh, did you know that if you put the nail polish in the fridge it lasts longer and better?? It works, I'm telling you. My fridge is empty anyway.. There are like 5 huge bottles of water in there, 2 kiwis, 3 peaches and 3 cucumbers. Oh, and 2 diet cokes.

So apparently the guy that I barely cried for last night (okay, he wasn't the only reason obviously) decided to text me today. I mean come on, you will drive me crazy!! An actual cellphone text -this makes me wonder since everyone here uses Facebook. Anyway of course am I not in the mood for him right now, I mean we tried last year and we just can't be together. I mean not a single thing in common. So I just sent another guy away, the same time I'm complaining for being single.

Go me.

I'm going to my hometown on Thursday. Again, I don't know how to feel. And then I will come back with my mom. What a joy :)

Now let's go back to yoga. Of course there is this rumour that yoga girls are hot -round here at least. And I get many looks when I'm going home with the tights and the yoga mat. As pathetic as it may sound, I like it. I know my legs are really toned and it looks okay. I mean I can wear a tight and get away with it. But I really really want to be the skinny girl with the tights. They always think I am the instructor, outside of the gym.

Damn I'm not.

I now should probably (oh it's spelled THAT way, I always thought it was propably..) leave you now, I have to paint my right hand's nails, too!

I really wish I could cry and throw up right now.

It will make me feel a lot better. Times like these I realise my thing is going serious. It's more than a number, more than the scale. I had a bad night out, to me it was this bad and I'm sure that a normal girl would have had fun.

Idk I feel so bad. And sad, I feel all the pressure right now.. And it's awful.

My last paper on Wednesday, my dinner I shouldn't have had, a place to leave my fish for a week, her who god I just hate, him who I didn't expect to talk to me like he did, my best friend who keeps avoiding me cause a guy she liked likes me now and he is acting completely crazy, the fact that every 6 months I loose a best friend and she propably be her this time -I'm oh, so scared that this may happen.

STUPID EVERYTHING GETS RUINED

FROM ONE MOMENT TO ANOTHER.

and the fact that you girls are the only ones I can talk to right now..

ah, fuck it all

All about the attitude

So I officially ADORE yoga.

Yesterday was my first time since May and I was truly afraid I wouldn't make it to the end. Apparently some things have changed and it was the Power Yoga class but I did just fine! I managed to turn with my hands -anyway to do the position- before the instructor came to help me, as she did with the others, so I am officially back on track!!

Yes, you can say I'm much excited :)

the best part is that the classes are Monday-Wednesday-Friday at 9 pm, so by the time I finish it will be long past my eating hours! And of course I must not eat before the class.. Today the scale showed 56.2 already.

Of course this morning I didn't have much energy to find my ringing phone or what, but it's ok. I decided to eat my meal of the day until 2 pm every day so the rest of it can be fruits and vegetables. So this morning at 11 I was so SO hungry and ordered a grilled vegetables& mozzarella sandwich -oh, cute delivery boys make my day! And that will be it.. I have to study and I simply can't with an empty stomach, not when everyone at the study room is looking at me when my stomach goes grrrrr.

Oh I have also disabled the stupid word verification from comments, I get so mad about it so I thought to make it easier, there is no point of writing dyslexic words along with the comments.

And yes gym is a major confident boost!

As long as I don't bump into my ex, I love the gym and it's hotties hahaha!!

*have a nice day you all

Yoga tonight wootwoot!

First of all, I'm better.

Thank you so much girls! I was so happy to see all that comments with advice! So I did it all: I had non caffeine teas, I tried to breathe deeply and slowly, I slept for 11 hours (made it!!) and took a nice long hot bath this morning. I feel better, indeed.

I don't have much to say. This morning the scale showed 56.4 so no news. I find it so difficult to cope with the numbers (and this is no news too).

Oh, I have new neighbours. One girl on the first floor and one on the second. I believe they're friends.. If I got it right, they both must be 18.

So welcome and please don't make any noise :)

I was so glad to find this photo! My legs do the same thing (are thinner upwards and muscle-er downwards) cause of all the swimming and exercising and I always feel so bad about them..

It's not that bad on her, though.

Stop mumbling in my head. Just stop

I'm broken, I'm so broken right now.

My head is driving me crazy, I can't study, I can't run, I can't think, I can't sleep, I can't smile

I SIMPLY FUCKING CAN'T.

I'm trying to relax with hot cups of teas from all over the world, with Chopin's piano and RainyMood.com and it still isn't working. I see food and feel disgusted, I went to the exam dressed like winter and everyone was staring at me (it's like 27 degrees round here).

My fish is the same blah.He's not eating and not swimming.

The exam was actually pretty awefull, too. What the hell does fibonacci sequence have to do with Plants? I mean, COME ON! I spent the last 2 days studying like crazy for the lab and we were told that it wouldn't be examined if you had a good grade on it before. I mean, COME ON! I could have studied a lot more for my paper if not for the lab. Still the fibonacci sequence would be sth I saw in some kind of mystery movie.. It's maths, right??

anyway..

Tmrrw I'm starting yoga again. Maybe that will help, idk. I'll stay away from aerobics for a while cause my head will explode in there.

not feel like talking any more, so here is some leg thinspo to go..

Schiller, I feel you too! :p

My head feels completely empty today. I cannot even spell the words correctly.. And it hurts. Well this is no news, my head has been "hurting" since Wednesday. I don't know what the fuck this is, but I don't like it, at all.

Yesterday was fun. Funny thing, I don't like going out on a Saturday night, and it just always happens to be a Saturday. Anyway, we went to this bar where we always go with E (lets call it The Bar) cause a friend of ours was playing Dj. -E has a total crush on him. So it was a big night, haha. I am very supportive in these things, but I knew certain other people would be there, too. And they were. Well, there are two guys who like me and I keep avoiding, and they don't like each other too, so I didn't want to be in the middle of sth silly. Luckily there were also lots of other guys that we knew so our empty chair was always taken. And yes, the Dj gave us Tequila shots and E is very happy know, cause as soon as he was on a break he would come and sit with us!

(I also finally met one guy I liked last year -we were at the same Chemistry class. We were always bumping to each other but I never got the chance to talk to him.)

Anyway, I was a bit drunk at some point, and we were talking with this guy and the conversation came to diet stuff. I didn't pay much attention but then E told him that she wanted to loose 5 kilos. So I said quite lightly that I want to loose 3. So then they both looked at me and E told me with a really mad and strict tone: "Wtf are you talking about? If you loose 3 kilos you will disappear into the air, relax yourself!"

-I didn't even bother to reply to her..she wouldn't understand.

Oh Jenny asked how she can upload Youtube Videos so let me share some wisdom here, lol.

So you just have to go to the video you like, click the Embed button, then copy the link and paste it to your post. And bam! There it is!!

-thank you Blogger Help :)

Did I tell you I am detoxing from Facebook and Msn?

ha, it's funny but I have my reasons, it won't last long though..

No sun today and all I can think is yeah! for the Starbucks cups

At last skinny latte will be an option

..and yes I love you dsquared!! :)

Here it's December every day. Oh, I wish..

Goodmorning to you all :)
first day that it's "cold" enough to drink plain black coffee!! I have missed those times.. I slept sweet and I slept empty. Happy enough.

Oh and I finally understood how to upload videos from Youtube! It wasn't magic after all haha.. Go me! Now I can post some of my fave songs too :)

So Take It All

A little update from this morning..

my computer got finally fixed with only (only????) 100euros charged on my card and I got it home this noon. I guess I missed it, cause with the netbook everything looks tiny and that doesn't help my not-wearing-glasses-OR-lenses thing.

I'm going running again this afternoon and then my cousin will come to pick up her things. FINALLY my uncle will fix the three (3) lamps that are broken in here. Okay.. I know.. bugs, broken lamps.. how do I live in this house?? It's actually a lovely house, and it's big enough to call it a proper home. In two weeks I'll re-decorate my bedroom, which up until now I was using as a boudoir. But yeaaah for a bigger living room now that my bed will be moved!!

*I really want to thank you for all your support about the stupid bug, and I'm sorry but I wouldn't care about my karma with those things. I just want them out of my house. I am protecting the environment with other 1000ways but these things don't belong here. They will be sprayed!

...

On Sunday I will go to the movies for Step Up 3 -it was about time I think. Everyone had watched it and I believe there are plenty of hot guys playing this time! Of course I'm in love with Step Up 1 and that will never change. It's not the same story anyway.

Oh, have you guys seen Nine, speaking of movies? Loved it- I recently began to love musicals. And of course the best scene in the whole movie: Marion Cotillard performing "Take It All". Fucking Epic -and she is gorgeous!

Three of her best editorial photos ever!
So oh, classy and skinny!

EARLY POST- BUG ALERT!

Worst sleep. Not ever thought.. Sometimes you just need a shock to wake you up in no time. As a matter of fact now that I'm typing this post I should be having an exam. Oh, then I must be really late..! tell me about it

Actually lets roll back a little: I'm living on an island studying biology and blah blah blah, so here if you want to live at the center of the town, your house HAS to be old. Really. I don't even have an elevator and I live on the 3rd floor (i know, awesome legs, I can take that). The worst thing is bugs. I mean the little black ones, the kinda dirty ones, I don't know their english name and don't care to learn it. We kinda have the same problem as London has with rats, I can relate.

So I am a girl living alone, who has EVERYTHING possible to keep these fucks away. And yet this morning, as I was walking to my bathroom all dizzy to have a please-wake-me-up shower before the exam, I saw it!!! No need to say I panicked, right? I just sprayed it with a whole bottle of anti-pest thing, and then I couldn't breathe myself. That kept me a while away from bathroom, and of course if I was having second thoughts about siting the exam, by then I was sure.

I wouldn't.

Yesterday I slept with an empty stomach. Like completely. I love the feeling of sleeping with my face in the pillow, and my ribs touching the bed. Today after all this mess I finally had an orange juice, 162 cals. SO HERE IS WHERE I PROPABLY TELL YOU THAT I'M HAVING ORANGE JUICES. It's actually the one orange thing I can handle, cause it's basically what's keeping me alive. My anemia is growing every single day with me not taking the pills on a regular basis, I'm not eating steaks and other stuff that can add me some "blood" and the orange juice is the one that helps me live through ana without fainting.

Have a wonderful day, girls*

Oh, it will take a while until I can trust my bathroom floor again.

What the (s)hell?

So maybe I should mention once again that yesterday wasn't my birthday. Mine were back at June. Well, it was Di's birthday.. For the new one's, Di is my ex, a seriously bipolar person and that's why I cannot date him anymore, cause then there will be two of us. Complete Disaster.

Certain things happened yesterday because of that. I don't know what to feel anymore, what to think anymore, so I just let it be. I'll just sit back and watch, it's too emotional for me to find answers and try to think what he wants now.

Either things will go my way, or won't go at all. I know that for sure.

Yesterday at family dinner was eh, fine. I was so hungry cause I hadn't eaten the whole day so I ordered pasta with salmon. I love fresh salmon. I had one bite of salad and then half of my plate, it was actually quite big. I was so full.

And then the dessert came. I panicked a little but then realised that it had orange cream. If you want to kill me slowly then just leave me with plenty of food that include orange. I swear I won't even try.. I hate orange in food (maybe this is a link to my orange-color hating thing or visa versa). My aunt knows I don't like it so I was excused for not having any. THANK YOU :)

In other news, my fish today ate one bite of bread that my aunt gave me and the rest of it was trashed. I think he liked it but I couldn't dare to give him more. If he's hungry he'll eat HIS food, right?

*tmrrw if everything goes okay, I will go with E for shopping. I literally don't have anything to wear and my crazy head won't let me buy new things. I hope this time I'll buy sth new. I'll let you know!

For now, I'm just smiling and studying..smiling and studying..

happy 20s, you little watermellon. oh, and fuck u

The 8 of September has finally come. Wow so many dreams for this day, actually not for the day but what could have happened until this day.

Well to be ohnest, nothing went quite as I had expected. And -I guess- that's fine.

Repeat after me: ALWAYS TO HOPE- NEVER EXPECT.

I will not spend this post admitting all these stupid dreams, but let me just say that I used to be down on earth once. I shall be again. My fish isn't eating again and I'm too afraid he will soon die.. I don't know why I have that feeling, every morning I go check the bowl to see if he's moving.

He is, for now.

I hate me when I'm not strong. The sweet cold blooded AnnaM who makes girls hate her with passion and tortures little guys. Yeah, that's my defence to people's feelings. I feel alone and strong.

Oh, did I mention alone?>

I guess lonely would do too.

Anyway, today I'm good and my mood is glowing-green for now. I have a family dinner tonight so I refuse to eat till then, family dinners make me die a little inside. My parents won't be here so what's the point of me attending anyway?? -blah

Q & A.

So good thing reading blogs first and then posting on my blog, today I woke up feeling quite unwell but I saw that Silly Girl have chosen me to answer some questions. That would be fun, I thought, so instead of posting I will do that.

Just let me tell Sarah first that the pills I'm taking just have to do with anemia and other health issues, they are not diet pills. I never take diet pills- I have much of a depression myself and don't need some more, thanks.

So lets start with the questions:

1. What is one thing you miss about being a kid? When I was a little kid I used to smile more. I miss that. Oh and I miss all my swimming and ice-skating competitions.

2. Are you a collector of anything? That question made me laugh. I used to collect stamps& cinema tickets. Now I'm collecting anorexia symptoms and failing relationships.

3. What is your favorite book? I love reading plays, so it must be "A Streetcar Named Desire" by Tennessee Williams.

4. What do you usually think about right before falling asleep? Making fake memories, trying to get myself to sleep.

5. If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go? Moscow. But generally, Russia.

6. What is something that people might be surprised to know about you? That I'm actually afraid of affection. I can't feel the love around me and I'm just pretending to. I get surprised when I realise that sb actually might loves me.

7. What do you want to be when you grow up? A well paid biologist and happy mom of two, living at London or Long Island (it depends). Normal things, I guess.

8. What was your first job? I was working at a furniture factory, doing the easiest job ever and amusing my co-workers with my dancing skills at the age of 9. On an eight hour shift. The actual plan was for little AnnaM to realise how money was earned.

That was it, I'm off to study about the Golgi Apparatus.. Maybe I'll post some thinspo later on. I am so happy I have this blog and all of you, really. You mean to me more than you can imagine lately! *

I would like a kiss, thank you.

First I want to thank you, really, for commenting on my last post. I know I can be super dramatic sometimes. It means a lot to me that you comment and read my blog.

So I actually don't have sth to say right now, I took some pills -maybe all together- and feel quite dizzy. No worries. I had some chicken with mushrooms I made myself and some yogurt. I now need coffee but have to go to the supermarket first. That will take a while. Shit.

-do you know the band Bullet for my Valentine? well if you do, I recently watched their video clip for "Tears don't Fall" -I'm not much of a video clip lover, I prefer just music- and I loved it! I can totally relate with the brunette..and she was just amazing at the end -humour is essential sometimes.

Anyway I decided to post some amazing thispo :

..I personally think they're some of the best, but I would appreciate your opinions as well..

Just Like Rapunzel..

This would be a blah post. THIS IS A WARNING! Sundays make me sick. My Fish today ate some of what I gave him and then just purged it. I couldn't believe it. At last he ate it. Pheww..
I started running yesterday by the sea and I got all exhausted within the first 10 minutes. That's bad. Next week I'm starting gym again (i know it took me so fucking long) and I'm uber excited. Having last year's schedule, I believe I can attend a yoga class twice, a tae-bo class once and the last class will either be power aerobics or another tae bo (cause I just love it, it combines fight moves with steps and aerobic). So adding them up it will be 4 gym classes and 3-4 runs /week. Can't wait.

I'm addicted to fitness. You propably already know that I was actually to become an aerobics class instructor but "I have much more potential" -family&friends crap- plus I'm anemic to the bone so I chose biology over aerobics and decided I would just use aerobics to work out and make other instructors cry cause I know more. ha!
Oh call me bitch but I get quite confident about it. I've been practising my whole life, I was a pro at swimming and always imagined myself as an athlete. Well some years later here I am on this island pretending to study and hating all these geniouses who don't have lives outside of the university books. Because yes, I care about painting my nails and I care about boys. I love to hang around listening to music, and yes I'm counting calories because I AM NOT thin enough, I love working out and day dreaming.

NO, my whole life is NOT biology.
I love my sciense but there are limits. I'm not the kind of a bookworm. I'm clever enough to study little and learn a lot. And if I wasn't that ill (ill, my ass..) I would propably now be at London. Studying biology. Having friends who actually know sth about the world around them and are keen on knowing ALL OF IT.
Cause I want to know all of this world. And I can't do this. I know I'm being a bitch right now and I'll regret it later, but I hate it when I am the world here. And being judged for it. I like Starbucks, I like to be stylish 24/7, I like to starve one day and binge the next, I travel to London twice a year and I get amazed each time, I'm making plans about traveling to Moscow and it never happens, I love alternative music and theaters. This is who I am. But I want some influence. I keep giving, all my friends are just copying each&every move I make, and I'm no good person. I get mad.

I'm so broken right now, I hate this body and keep hating my thoughts lately, I always mess up in relationships and I get too excited at things I know they're stupid. My sister thinks I'm not well (okay, didn't need a psychologist to tell me that, no need to have a degree my dear sister to realise this) and so does Nicole.. Boo-fucking-hoo.

Paul, I know.

Fun. Oh, fun at last!!
Last night I had a great time, I had alcohol too, so that is propably why I had soo much fun. I went with E and a guy for drinks and then we went to eat (i'll come to that) and then a huge car ride singing stupid songs and dancing in the car..

But first I have another thing to say. I got a pet fish! I thought I was too alone here in the house and needed some company. Getting a puppy was my first thought but I pictured myself cleaning all the hair and all the noise and I just freaked out! It would also be difficult when I'm out of town. So I bought a fish. The pet store was kinda scary with all the snakes and tarantulas (i swear that scary snake had its eyes on me the whole time!!). So my fish is a he. A boy. And he's red with a little blue. And he's ana. Oh God he's ana and that's so funny. He just refused to eat this morning and I was like plz plzzzz eat sth!! I sounded like my mom exept more scary cause I was begging a fish..


*So we had our drinks last night, walked a bit around the town and then they decided to eat. I was stupid enough to tell them I was hungry before so I had two potato chips with the drinks and then claimed I wasn't hungry anymore. But we went anyways. They got sth like bread with white chocolate,praline and oreo cookies..I got a lemon soda water. But then when these calorie bombs came I knew what to expect: "Oh, annaM, you should eat a bit, try it this is so perfect!, etc etc" I wanted to cry,really. So I took my fork and grabbed one oreo cookie. I ate it and I was "oh yes it is so good but I'm full now". Nobody believed me. I don't care.

..and here he is. I tried to get him to smile for you but he kept moving(swimming?) so all I got is this blah.
He says hi, though :)

I always choose bLack from white.

100 followers. Wow that is amazing! Well I don't feel like posting today, the whole locked-in-the-house-pretending-to-study thing has really made me nervous. And I don't have much to say too.

Just thank you. A LOT.

So I wanted this post to be made when I had 99 followers. You know.. my last name always gets me at the bottom of each list (alphabetically) and it was easy for me to be picked, and that was a good and bad thing. A good thing when I was chosen to join a volleyball team, a bad thing when I was the one to solve the stupid maths problem on the blackboard.
But the girl (most of the times it was a girl) who was right above me was never picked. That's why numbers like 10, 100, 1000 doesn't appeal to me much. Seems not fair. Anyway I'm actually making this post really lame and the thing I'm trying to say is that I didn't manage to make this post on the 99 cause from 98 followers I had yesterday, this morning it was 100!

Instead of making a list of things that you don't know about me, and you probably don't even care to learn (if I got braces, what food I love/hate most, where I plan to go on my honeymoon if I ever get married, etc) I decided to put some thinspo pictures. The ones I love the most. And they HAVE to be black&white. Cause minimal is all I'm asking lately.

Simple and perfect. As much as I can get. Enjoy.

Purple haze.

I couldn't get out of bed this morning. I even thought it was 11 so I was freaked out but then I realised it was 10 -which is still late for me now.

Everything around me seemed to move with the speed of sound, stupid wine last night with a empty stomach & stupid panic attack after that. Went to the scale and told to myself "okay now don't panic you know it's that time of the month when you are angry at everyone and the scale is angry at you, so be prepared".
And the scale showed 56.1 how HAPPY can I be today?? Oh, I really want to reach 55+ by this weekend. :D


Anyway I made an awesome coffee (yeah I can get pretty excited about coffees) and now I'm reading some blogs before I start Biology.
Yesterday here we had a tupical autumn afternoon, with the first huge rain and cold wind, oh I love this kind of weather!! Knitwear, coats, boots (still looking for the perfect ones). I'm thinking about online shopping sometime cause I really cannot find sth I like around here. Topshop, of course. Me and Topshop have a strong bond haha, our relationship has reached the next level, even though there aren't stores here. Of course I mean the Oxford Circus Topshop at London. True love- it never lets me down!

Boys, boys, boys..

Ha I was soo expecting that!
Boys..oh, boys. They are like little children.

I don't know if he is worth even this little space in my post. But I can't understand him. I'm better off without him when he is acting such, he texted me again (of course on facebook lol) and I didn't even bother to reply. I'm done with him and he better realise it, cause it's difficult for me too. We are so done! (repeating in order to believe it myself haha).
And it's not only my guy. My best friend's -Nicole- ex actually told her that all she was for him was a piece of flesh. I mean whaaaaaaat?? Who the hell he thinks he is? That is sth so inpolite to say. Luckily she realised what an ass he is and got over him.


Don't get me wrong, there are some quite perfect guys out there but the example of men I'm dealing with atm is so lame!

Hope you girls are surrounded by nice and polite guys who deserve you :)