Mayday. (?)

I have been really clumsy over the weekend. With people coming over, wanting to use my laptop, with me being the only one who has an iPhone, many people use the Safari. And I can't go crazy about it cause that would make me a bitch (the bitch who doesn't want to give the iPhone).

So I just do a little prayer every time someone goes on the internet. Pleeease don't type f-a-k-e, etc cause then my blog will show up.

What if someone saw it and then Googles it at home?

Oh, the horror.

I see two solutions: I either stop obsessing about it and do another prayer that no one saw it OR I change the URL and name of the blog and risk loosing well, you guys.

What Do I Do??

p.s. I don't pray much.

A little economics.

If you have an eye for pretty things you will probably need a budget to cover for them. It's common moment on a girl's life when she has to choose between something pretty and dinner. For me it's even more complicated. I grew up in a family where saving was a big deal. Don't get me wrong, I still had everything I could possibly want but I was raised to save. So what do you do when you have the money for those pretty things, but guilt is stronger than hunger?

I started writing down my everyday expenses. Just at the bottom of my calendar, adding every number up and getting the score. It seems I am spending about 15 euro every day.

With my tattoo coming up (I checked, it will be about 100-120 pounds) at London I have to save money for my trip. Cause London means shopping, drinking (I miss Pimm's), frozen yoghurt, art shopping and well, Busaba. But I have three full months until then and a closet to feed. Oh, and my pilates class.

Ugh, and I have to do one big "donation" to the pharmacy on Monday. Pills, face cream, face lotion, face soap- make up remover. I'm thinking it will sum up to 70-80 euro. God.

The solution? Feed on soup, spinach pie, coffee, orange juice and fruit for a month. This way I could buy some T-shirts, a blazer, a new cologne and a rug for my desk (my feet are always so cold while studying) GUILT-FREE.

Random morning thoughts

I swear one day I will make it. I would love if I could have a good breakfast at the morning and convince myself that this can hold me for the rest of the day. A cappuccino, some grapes and a sandwich is the ideal breakfast for me. And then you can have a soup for dinner and an orange juice for snack. If only I could do this without my head hurting and my mind thinking of food all the time.

Because now, every time I have breakfast, I just keep thinking of the next meal. What will it be, what I must avoid, who I should stay away from because they eat every time they go out, stuff like that. But if I don't have breakfast, then magically I don't want to eat, I just stay in this "ill" situation all day. I love that feeling. But for a functioning anaemic student who doesn't sit much that is suicide. And I don't want to die, not really.

Oh, my!

I got my blood tests back today. Well, I've been worse. And I feel great. So no alarm yeeiii!! My mum thinks differently though and wants to change my medicine. That's fine, as long as my eating doesn't change, I will follow new orders. Currently I take two types of multi vitamin pills and my medicine with orange juice every day so I don't have to worry about eating. Oh, if only they knew I haven't eaten meat/fish for a month! (oh, for those wondering, I have serious anaemia- google it).

I'm just cooperating so I don't have to go to the hospital okay?

So everything's good!

My order from Asos hasn't arrived yet and I'm so nervously excited. I hope they fit and look as fabulous as on the site. In other news, lately I enjoy Pilates more than usual! I have made great progress and I like the toning in my stomach (maybe you'll have a pic in a couple of weeks). And tonight there was the most handsome guy I've seen since summer! He was friends with my male instructor and I just couldn't stop looking at him. I played cool though, haha.. Sorry for the rambling and the kindergarten shit, I have to grow up, I know! :)

:)

After a long night of laughs, skirts, cute boys and looooots of wine, I have Evolution class.. I couldn't be more tired, I think, but it was worth it. I had to go with all casual look (which probably makes me look fatter than I already am but I love) and with these Victoria's Secret sweats. Don't you just love the colour??

A new week ahead of us, lets make it count. I know I would!

(read: serious restriction. SERIOUS restriction) the flu gives me nightmares somehow, but now I'm up and feeling better :)

*photo has been removed by well, me

We own the sky- M38 (new addiction)

I think I may be getting the flu. What annoys me the most is this nose running, head aching, voice altering stage. Either give me some fever and get it over with, or not!

Oh, I figured out a plan. I have a little book where I write how much money I spend every day. I decided that every time I am outside and want/have to eat, I can write down one reason not to. Then I can decide if I can eat or not. I don't want to make a big deal over it (lol, "I am not obsessed" -say it thrice to believe it) but I want to try it out.

So reasons can vary: skinny legs, Christmas holidays, that girl at uni who is pure perfection, cupcake time in a month (I can eat then), smaller sized jeans, collarbones, no money for food and coffee (coffee always wins), flat stomach, inspiration from H and G who have lost so much weight, etc.

For the moment I'm just drinking oolong tea from my super big cup and study some Immunology. Oh I wish Immunology could help me with the flu over here!

have a lovely Sunday you all, mine will hopefully end with wine, just how it started :)

Saturday's in

Well, yes, when you put paprika in your homemade cappuccino instead of cinnamon, maybe you needed a few hours more of sleep! Anyway, this "accident" wasn't enough to blow my morning coffee, no.

I said I had to watch my calorie intake. Lol, watch it as it goes up? These past two days have NOT been good for me. I decide not to eat, then decide to have something, then I have fucking everything. Not good. Actually really, really bad. In 4 weeks I will be home for my dad's birthday (his turn for a surprise!). I will fly home and mum is going to take him to IKEA (next to the airport) and I will surprise him at the entrance!! If that doesn't make me a good daughter, I don't know what will..

So that means I must look decent by then. I'm thinking (to make things easier for me of course) watch the calorie intake, take vitamins. Simple as that. Around 700/day with two hours of pilates and 4 hours of yoga per week. That way I can have some take out food where the portions are big but countable, cause I'm not cooking at my place until then! It's horrible when I'm cooking food for the whole army and then make myself eat it, really. I don't enjoy it, my hips don't enjoy it, so nobody really wins.

...

That awkward moment when you feel more comfortable telling people when was the last time you had sex than telling them what you had for lunch.

Happy day, today.

I woke up with a full headache though. Every time I get one of these, I fear that I will go back to how I was one year ago. It was hell, 24/7 headaches and tears, and no one could understand what I had. Not even me. Blood tests made it all clear and in half a year I was (not so but oh well) brand new. Luckily this one passed rather quickly.

Pilates class was super nice today. I had a personal cause no one else showed up! I like these times, cause the instructor knows I can move on to harder poses and we talk and it's fun. I get to do more difficult practise too!!

I have to watch my intake. Christmas is getting closer...

I cannot accept failing me. Can you?

In other news, I did some shopping. I know, I drink cappuccino in powder to save money, but I "donated" 80 pounds to Asos yesterday.. I am so lame! Moreover, I am thinking about getting a pair of awesome Oxfords (flats) in cream colour. I have seen them over and over at the shop next to my house and I think it's the right time before they run out of sizes. Of course I promise pictures :)

Happy Blirthday D.R. !

So yeah, go check my new blog.

it's still empty but I would appreciate opinions on the layout/ title.

I LOVE IT.

Update:

"dark romanticism's" first post is on!

a picture of me as a bonus!!

(don't be mean about it :p)

Opinions needed!!

I am lately flirting with the idea of making more fashion related posts. Ones that will include photos of stylish people, news about fashion, interior design ideas and alternative music. Pictures of every day life with a twist of fashion and interesting facts about well, anything!

So I am thinking why not move all these new ideas to a new blog, instead of putting mixed posts to my personal blog. That way all the craziness and every day life will stay here and all the self expressing time will be hosted on another page. You know I am a neat freak after all.. I like things separated and clear.

Update: bad news..London trip is postponed for a few months.. bye bye tattoo for now, hope I can get you some time around late January. I've GOT TO do it at London, therefore I shall wait.. :)

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Rain boots

Beautiful day today. Rain all over, skipped university to relax at Starbucks with a grande Soy Cappuccino. Happiness, right? I had my pilates class today, too. This is looking pretty damn good.

You know there is a song that always makes me feel good lately. It's called Bounce by Calvin Harris and Kelis. It makes me calm and happy every time I hear it. I thought I'd just share this with you :)

Tomorrow I'll probably know if I'm going to London or not next month. There isn't much money in the bank but I will make it work! Wish me luck, I want so badly to go, even if I was there like 4 months ago.

I also want THIS badly. I mean, how awesome can one piece of clothing be? I just have to make sure my stomach is purely flat by then so I can look decent in it. I imagine it with black tights and a long cardigan for Christmas and it just clicks! I also plan on getting this at wine or/and holly colour. Of course I love Urban Outfitters. It's probably the first thing I visit in London/New York, I am so lame.

I adore the wine colour this year. I don't usually wear colours but turquoise and wine are so stylish to wear! I like pastels and black/cream clothing in general. But yes, I admit I mostly wear black, some say too much. I guess it's something I picked up from my mum (?).

I'm putting a full stop to this mumbling about now.. Just adding that these few weeks I am calm and happy and couldn't be happier about that. When it starts to get dark again, I just take a deep breath and everything goes back to bright :)

favourite.

Inspiration.

Alice tea

I wasn't sure I wanted to post tonight. Spending the whole day alone is something I cannot do anymore. I don't want to. Not that I am that social person, it's just that when I am alone I tend to eat lately. So I'd rather be with people and not feel that great, than being alone and hate myself for eating one week's worth of food.

On another topic, one away from food and craziness, I maybe go to London next month! Yes, before Christmas, the tattoo time it's getting closer :)

I started thinking what I want to do this time. I love being at London, it feels so great.. I feel free and happy here. I should remember to bring bag soups and oolong tea bags, also some amazing clothes (and a pair of shoes, if that's okay) and of course my left wrist with an amazing tattoo.

Saturday night. I was supposed to have a date tonight. Well it's more of a "IwillgooutwithyoujusttomakethisclearcauseIdontseeyouthatway" kind of date. But, it started raining, so I feel like I can postpone it. Luckily, cause I hate doing this anymore. If I don't know why I don't want him, how can he understand? Oh, well...

You can dream.

(I have repeatedly listed things I hate in here. On my posts, through my every day life, I like to complain here so the pressure goes somehow away. For a change, and since my mood is rainy and my apartment so freaking clean, I will make a love post. You'll see.)

I dream of this. It helps me feel happy through the day. Role playing isn't bad, sometimes, my psychologist sister thinks that way. So my dream day would be quite like this:

I start the day waking up to the light coming from my window. It's still so early and yet I have an amazing energy to do things. I get in the shower and dress up very street chic-y before I rush out of the apartment with my puppy. (I feel so nice with my body, as I hardly eat more than 800 calories. I don't need food as a substitute anymore.) As we're walking I get a latte to go and walk through the river. I always like to watch people who start the day too early. Yes, there is life before 9 in the morning on the streets. It's sunny but cold. I stop at few vintage shops, the are true inspiration to me. I pick a few things, some bracelets to go with my tattoo, a new/old styled jacket, a painting for my house. I get home and have some fruit. Take my books and head to the local library for 5 hours of studying. I have so much to catch up. Then I go for a big salad with a diet coke and meet my friends for a few early drinks/ second coffee. The day includes a pilates/yoga class which I religiously go to, it helps me stay calm, not over analyse things. The perfect day includes loud music with white wine and special people, in a basement-hidden bar with alternative looking people. Everyone has a different story. Everyone is a stranger that when you get a chance to talk with, you can share a laugh with, or a picnic day at the park with bikes.

Talking about fake memories.. but that is my dream, this is my ideal everyday life. If you haven't figured out the place of all these yet, it's London. But until then, pretending has put a nice smile on my face. So I'm happy with that for a couple of years. :)

Sunday.

Out of the 52 Sundays there are in a year (aprox.), I may like 8 or 9 of them. In general, I hate Sundays. They are emotional, lonely, evil, big days where I usually binge or cry or just feel deeply sad. When it rains, I get some comfort because I feel like the world is at the same mood. So we match. Like today.

I love rain. I find it's sound, it's smell soothing. Rain and Massive Attack's songs are a perfect match. They also go pretty well with my Immunology report. I must finish it. Of course I've spend all day watching Dexter and You tube videos of how to take care of a wrist tattoo. I can't wait for mine. Sometimes I pretend I already have it, it gives me strength. As soon as I book my ticket to London, I'm calling for the appointment. Yay.

I still can't find the way to convince myself I don't need food on weekends. During the week I manage to keep a low calorie intake but weekends..they are so messy! I think I will stop talking about food with my friends. I say scary things, I guess. I get weird looks. I'll stop.

I need to get down at numbers. Not up. I need to hear some compliments on Christmas holidays. I much need that.

Oh, of course I forgot to tell you that. I rejected a guy last week. I'm doing it all over again. He came to close to me and I needed air to breathe. So I stopped. I cannot date a guy that is a friend of mine. I don't. I want a stranger, it somehow feels safer that way. So if I complain about wanting a boyfriend, please someone remind me of that.

Thank you.

Warning: bitchy post..

Well, fuck that. You know, I can be a total bitch sometimes, well I can most of the times, but people tend not to like me about this. So I pretend I am a good hearted lovely girl who loves smiling people. Sometimes I do. Rarely though.

So fuck that. I can't take this stupid shit from her. Like she punishes me for having more friends. This is fucking kindergarden stuff. She has copied my style, my house, my character and interests and now she thinks she's too cool for me?

Give me a fucking break, honestly.

Of course it bothers me. I have so many failed friendships (and relationships, in general) that it exhausts me, really. I am tired of letting myself go and then picking up "the pieces", which are less than you think, but more than I hope to give away.

All I'm saying for now: Fuck that.

Nice things

Extremely busy days began, yes! I love it when I'm away from home during the day so that I don't get bored and tempted to eat. Yesterday was a perfect day. I started with an hour of pilates, then went to university for 6 hours of classes and then I stayed for the two hour yoga class! I went home having consumed about 600 calories, having burnt at least 200 of them, had a long bath, ate an apple and went to bed. Perfection.

I also met two boys, they were at the music studio playing the drums and guitar while I was waiting for yoga cause I was an hour early. So they told me to go inside the studio to tell them if I liked their music. They were so fun to talk to but it was rather weird because when we were all living the one (who invited me over) just took his shirt off and kept talking to me about stuff. So I had to look, lol. He just changed in front of me, weird weird people.. :)

All in all, I am feeling very nice and optimistic. Vegetarian thing is going very good, although I worry because I haven't had protein in about a week now.. I also can't wait to book my London tickets and get the tattoo already!!

Off to university for four hours of classes, I love you all *

Mila is smiling.

I like smiling people.

The (nicest) ring

Tea weather, at last!! Today's selection: apple and cinnamon, like a litre or it. I love the smell, and I love the way it feels you up, like you just had an apple pie.

I am kinda down these last days. It seems another friendship is about to come to an end. I can't take it anymore. The drama, the talks, the non-talks. I have come this far with promising friendships and I am so done with crying over the end of them. It's just so emotional and I am, well, not. Not any more, at least, because all old account in Polyvore (that I used to use as a sort of diary) reminded me I had so many feelings once..

In other news, I organised my closet today. I threw EVERYTHING on the bed and rearranged the layout of my closet. Here, you can see the half of it. It's weird how many light coloured items I've got, since I mostly wear blacks. I just don't like colourful clothing, I like everything to be simple and minimal.