Stay happy.

Swirling around madness lately. So many things to do, so little time to do them all. I just can't live in a world where a day has only 24 hours. I'm constantly shaking from the absence of caffeine, or the high levels of caffeine. I cannot seem to find the right amount. I just keep shaking.

The only good thing is I go to bed so freaking exhausted that I actually sleep. My dreams have been fucked up though. Just as well.

I try so hard (and I think I'm doing great so far) to keep an optimistic attitude towards all this. Watching after my karma, you know, cause I feel nice to be nice. Some people have complemented me again on how I light up when I smile.

Well, I guess happy girls are the prettiest, as hey say.

Or just very pretty- don't get attached :)

Not censored just yet

I would kill for a cigarette right now. Let me give you the most cliché scenery that is going on in here. Christmas lights, me in comfy lounge wear on the bed with my laptop and a glass of red wine, listening to Sade. Another study-less night.

Yesterday I studied until midnight and then went for drinks until 4 in the morning with two of my (boy) friends. It was fun and cold and a bit rainy. On the other side of the town centre, she was talking about me. They want to know if I'm single. Damn, ask me guys. Yes, I am single and I always stay single, even when I date and fuck the same guy for a long time. Yes, I have issues and yes, I am crazy sometimes. Maybe some day I can feel like a normal person in an actual relationship. Maybe. And then she was asked which of the two I preferred. Oh, my, how boys can be stupid. You can't even choose a freaking milkshake without interacting with it a little at first, how the fuck can I choose a guy?

Well, simply, I won't. Why bother going to that much trouble? I already have been told I am "as heartless as the bitch from 500 days of summer". I find her to be realistic. I know it's not the normal thing, but most people aren't. They just like to act normal.

A thursday.

"Turn left, there are tables only on the left side, that's where we are", she said happily. Walking in, I wasn't sure whether to smile or not. I feel shy every time I am around people I don't know. And there was I, sitting at a table of 10 people, knowing only three of them. I realised I was the stranger in there. Weird looks, some smiles, comments about my weird leggings, and him. His eyes met mine and I felt a lightning hit me. There was he, at last.

She looked at him, then looked at me and smiled. I already know everything there is to know about him, but small talk is always nice. So "what do you study?"

I knew what he is studying. I knew where he's from, when his birthday is, the name of his ex, how many siblings he has, where he's going for christmas holidays (and why) and what sport he used to play at school. She already told me all these things, she takes her matchmaker role pretty seriously, no? Our eyes met again, boom!

So, it was his turn.

"You should really try this chicken... go ahead, eat some."

"Oh, that's okay, I don't really want to, thanks...."

"Are you a vegetarian?" Tricky first question. Back it up, annamaria, maybe he knows all there is to know for you, too. But does he know too much?? That freaking chicken was in front of me and he insists again I should try it. Fuck my life. I say no again, looking to change the subject. Luckily the other nerd-looking guys started talking to me so he just stopped insisting and kept looking at me with these blue eyes..

And I kept drinking white wine. She got drunk pretty quickly. Two girls laughing and giggling, and seven guys who had no idea. Drinking wine until 3 in the morning. I didn't mind my early pilates class when he was looking at me. For two seconds, all I could hear was "I know you know I like you and you're looking me back. finally we've met". That's all his eyes were telling me.

And yes, finally we've met. But this is not enough. It's just not.

my weird leggings. I'm not her, but I have the same

hair, shirt and leggings. all I'm missing is the guy and the white bed sheets.

Back .

This quick escape from the routine was just what I needed. Some hugs and care from my parents (that I struggled to respond to and give them some hugs too). Some gossiping with my girl friends over green teas and margaritas. Some warmth while eating cupcakes and drinking coffee by the fireplace. Dad was so surprised, he didn't even recognised me at first!

Back to my house, everything had moved on without me and I had to catch up. Yoga was fine tonight, although I felt like the fattest person in there. Oh. I have one month to make up for these cupcakes and delicious birthday dinner so I don't go completely crazy.

Things that need to be done in one month:

1. three kilos off. now.

2. study hard. and when you're done, study some more. embrace those 6 new biology books :p

3. go to the grocery store for plenty of vitamins. make your own sandwich to take to university DON'T eat at the cafeteria, everything there smells weight gain.

4. get some. you know what. just stop thinking and get some, honey.

5. put back your only-tea-and-water-past-8pm

oh, and STOP DEPRESSING YOURSELF :)

here's a rose...

To the right

Naughty plans cancelled tonight. Boom. That's what you get for being promiscuous, right? I wanted to fuck the best friend of someone who really likes me. I'm sorry but he has these wonderful eyes...hot hot hot!

anyway I'm in a good mood apparently.

Tomorrow I'm flying home for the weekend. Mixed feelings, as always. I mean I want to see my family, it's not that I've missed them. But anyways, I'm not a person of feelings in general. I feel kinda guilty about that...

Drinking white wine while making this post. My love for wine maybe balances my love for cupcakes, you know. This dizzy feeling (especially on an empty stomach- only when indoors!) is quite awesome. When everything is happy, easy, funny (and doable).

My green suitcase is packed neatly on my bedroom floor. I'm a neat freak in general. Items have to be completely organised for me to keep calm. I cannot sleep if there are dirty dishes in the sink. Even if they are three closed doors away. Chlorine smell calms me down.

Freak freak freak, no?

We walk

Hello, my darlings. Windy Wednesday here. I don't really want to go to class.. neither to yoga. I woke up completely hangovered from a hip hop party I went to last night. It was fun I must admit, although I hate the DJ (it's a personal thing). Anyway I had lots of wine (and some from the house, I had to be in a good mood in order not to kill him), so everything went well. By midnight I was a happy, drunk, Annamaria with a lace shirt.

Usually "E" and I know all the people at the bar, cause we used to hand out last year. But fortunately there was new people on the house! At last, I can get bored so easy...

Anyway, it was a great day, tiring much, and a good night! I woke up feeling disoriented and fat. No news there, lol. And looking myself at the mirror I decided to focus on the good things. The only thing(s) I could find that I like were these two holes(??) at my lower back.

I really don't know how these are called, but I seriously love them.

*as usual, this image will be deleted*

So many Sunday "hello"s..

Yet another Sunday, trying to make it work.

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. My pyjamas are from last year's Oysho collection, since you guys loved them so much! I bet there are some cute pieces this year, too. I already bought a knitted cardigan from there.

This weekend I'm flying home for a few days, daddy's birthday. That means home made food, cupcakes, restaurants I love, aunts bringing baskets of food. Yes, food is an expression of love here, too. Damn.

So starting from today and until Friday I'm trying this new "thing".

Cappuccino and breakfast-something (no more than 300 cals) and then boiled veggies for the rest of the day (no oil, just some salt and lemon juice). This way I can start my day with happiness (hello, cappuccino) and I can go to bed hungry but thinking I will eat something nice in the morning. During the day I don't mind, I am very busy usually. So the whole daily intake cannot go over 600. I also have three times Pilates this week (big smile). I can only afford one more month of pilates for this year (2011) so I'm going to make it count.

I think the key here is to enjoy every meal you have, so when your mind wants to think of food you can think of what you ATE and was really good and how it satisfied you, and not what you are going to eat next and how many calories will it have, and whether you should eat it or not (you know..). Rather difficult, I must say. But I think I'm going to try that.

omg, I love this photo..

All classics.

I haven't posted in a while. I got lost between classes, drinks, eating and not eating, feeling awful, feeling great, getting my past self back, etc. It's a great feeling, recognising yourself again, the one you once loved. The one you are familiar with.

All the things I am. Sure, I don't like many of them, I hate others, but it's me. I started wearing my leggings again. It's a good sign. I stopped eating again. I like it. I only eat to take my pills and to drink. And I drink (to get drunk).

Anyway, probably these all don't make any sense. I just wanted to put them all out there. Sharing. Oh, I also bought a homeless boy a pizza. Everyone at the bus stop was looking at me, but I couldn't care less. I thought I wasn't eating lunch anyway, so why not buy this kid some food?

Well that's me, a (bitch) with some good outbursts. Not eating makes me a bitch, and I feel comfortable behind this mask. So, no apologies, sorry (no apologies, I said!).

I also keep taking pics to post them here and every time I hesitate. Fuck that. There you go, on the progress of the making of my belly. The part of my body I feel worse for. But I am working on it.

please excuse my Hello Kitty

(dressed as a penguin) pyjamas :)

photo has been removed

Another Monday.

It's a fasting Monday, though. And Tuesday will be, too. I set my goals straight this morning, got out of bed with confidence and decided to do a fast for a couple of days. Fruit fast, that is.

The headache started at the third hour of classes but I have learnt to live with it for quite some time. So I have consumed a little less than 500 calories for the day. Thank you all for your support, you gave me that push I much needed. I'm not going to hold on to that fast past Wednesday though cause it will do me damage again. I went to pilates class, too, and my instructor decided to work my abs more today. I have promised a picture and you will get it soon :)

In other news, there is a guy I like at uni and rumours say he broke up with his girlfriend. Now he always gave me that weird looks that I can't decode. I saw him with another guy talking and staring at me today while I was walking towards the library. I hope they weren't making fun of me or something. I just hope he could ask me out.. but I guess I (have to) go out with another guy this week. I mean he's cute and stuff, I just don't like him that much. Anyway, a date is much needed so I'm gonna go :p

Black coffee and good music.

What else would someone need on a Sunday morning? Last night was fun, I had a few friends over and we watched Dexter over wine (and food). Season 6 would be awesome although I hate God related manipulations in general (anyone who watched the new season knows what I'm talking about).

My scale number continues to go up and my mood is going down. I have to stop eating. I exercise so freaking much so if I could just stop eating this much it would be great, thanks. I'm going home in two weeks and if I don't show thinner I'm gonna be so pissed off (and sad, suicidal, moody, bitchy- the normal me I guess).

Hanging at the post office.

Early Saturday! After a mixed feelings week I needed some time alone. Even my sister told me I'm slipping away again from the happy person I was for about two months now (we talk on the phone cause she's 4 hours away by plane). So I'm getting some alone time and setting everything right again.

...

Several things came today by mail. I love mail, even though the line at the post office can be hell. Luckily there was like no people on a Saturday morning. So WHAT came with the mail today??

A while ago I indulged in a little Asos shopping. (Right click each link to direct you to the item on the site in a new tab.) Clockwise from left you can see the American Apparel shirt dress, my new ankle boots (I love this colour!) and a stag necklace. Oh, yes, my cup-a-soup boxes came, too!

Even though the heel on the boots is quite big, I like them and can't wait to wear them. I wear 39 EU and to be honest I was afraid they might not fit, but I have them on (under my pyjamas lol) for half an hour now and they seem to fit just right after all. The necklace is absolutely stunning and as for the shirt, I have a similar tights as seen on the site (from Urban Outfitters), so I guess I can wear ALL these together and be stylish, no?

Well, duh.

Of course I believe everyone is pretty but me. I say it out loud sometimes. Like, I compliment constantly girls for their hair or clothes or nail colour (okay, I don't compliment their bodies out loud, I don't want to be considered as lesbian -which I'm not- or some kind of freak-which I actually am, kind of).

I had a stressful day today. Classes, language course (German), friendship crisis, yoga, turning down an awesome Christmas holiday invitation, all that with no sleep cause apparently my nightmares cannot wait. I woke up literally shivering in the middle of the night and couldn't catch my breath for about ten minutes. VERY SCARY THING.

And it's so late. I spent my midnight cleaning my kitchen walls (freak, yet?) so that this time I will be completely exhausted and sleep deeply.

Goodnight to all of you :)

(or good morning to those of you at the other side!)

effortless cool.

that's what I'm going for.

November's here!!

I like this month. It's finally cold enough to wear knits and loose that extra appetite that's been following me lately. I usually loose weight on winter and gain on summer. I love ice cream, that's why. Anyway, I decided to stop freaking out about people finding this blog and to just clear the history every now and then.

So I'm afraid I have some bad news which I'm not sure yet are that bad. I mean, I gained one and a half kilo (panic attack, yes) but all my jeans and sweats fit better. So I "lightly complained" to my pilates trainer and she was like

"and what? you panicked? you should know by now that muscle weights more than fat, annaM. You have been exercising your whole life. take it easy and forget about the scale number"

haha. I tried hard not to laugh at myself at this last comment. Forget the scale? I love my scale. Last year I was living just for my scale. These things cannot just go away. Of course I just nodded along and kept doing the "swan" exercise.

Anyway, I already got some compliments about how tighter my legs look but no, I will not accept the fact that I weight more than I ever weighted in my life. If 54 is so much to ask, can I go back to 56 at least?