Change around the words that you say..

After a long cold bath I'm sitting on my bed with three things: my laptop (obviously), my cold water with ice cubes and my pillow. I don't need anything else. I don't need anyone else.

Yesterday after me being so calm about breaking up, I decided to invite a friend of mine who came for a few days here. I couldn't possibly study anyway. We were texting the whole academic year to each other, he was joking about all my athlete's stupid relationships, he knew everything about these stuff and we were cool, talking about classes and exams..everything. But of course I wasn't torn enough yesterday so he decided he would let me know he is in love with me as soon as he was leaving my house. He almost cried while he was trying to explain all these to me, and trying to kiss me.

I just can't handle all these right now. I mean why does this all have to happen over one single day?
And on the top of all my period came. Luckily though, cause I was feeling so dizzy and sick and now I'm more calm. This morning the scale showed 56.1 again, even though I did not eat all these cals E. brought home to cheer me up. Not a single crisp, not even ice cream and I'm so proud of myself above all these.


Oh, and as for BioChem, disaster it was.
Thank you very much :)

Blow me away.

Having slept only 4 hours, it's 10 in the morning and I'm feeling completely and insanely numb.

My mom left yesterday and I was sad (for she leaving) and happy (for having my space again, missed it so much)..
So a few hours later, I am saying: FUCK IT ALL

Things I have now:
-EXAMS. really who cares? and why don't I give a shit about it? I have always been a perfectionist, I want to study and progress, I really do..
-lots and tons of food in my kitchen
-a flat belly apparently (until now..)
-a cup of coffee, and 3 more waiting for me
-a kilo gained, cause I'm 56.1 all over again (hoping it's cause my period is coming)

Things I don't have:
-funny to say that.. a boyfriend
yes we broke up from the super relationship of a week!(I didn't even know we were actually together but still we could "break up" from it..the reason? he thinks I don't care about him, I'm hiding things from him and oh, how did he say it? We don't have Chemistry -like, the entire thing is wrong?? that's what I understood 3 in the morning with his friend waiting alone in the car)
I told him okay, if Chemistry is the reason well it's not sth I can do to change it. He thought I would at least try to talk about it.. He didn't expect me to end it so sharply, I think. But he brought it up though.
-light. the window over my desk broke so I have so much light all over the house, but not where I'm about to study -bad luck.
-the courage to go for coffee with my ex best friend this afternoon. We have to clear things, and we will definitely not!

*Of course BioChem tmrrw will be a disaster

I guess I will stay in this mess I've made. :)

Keep calm.

well..okay
I am officially and totally freaked-out.

Yes, I've missed my mom, yes I love her and I'm happy that she came
BUT!
I am eating non stop for 2 days now and I am so close to having a panic attack any time soon.. I mean my fridge was never that full, of course I was never that full and my kitchen looks more of a normal a-couple-with-a-kid kitchen.
Like biscuits, cereals, home made lemonade, rice with lentils, milk and eggs and the stupid list goes on.

And it's not that I don't like what she is cooking (my mom is the best cook ever haha) but I feel so sick of myself. I was doing so great lately and I don't want to get up the scale and cry, when she leaves... I really really don't.

Of course I'm panicking even more when I think that I'll meet Di tmrrw and I will be looking so fat. I swear when he touches my tummy I will pass out or sth.

Like.. it's not funny any more

oooh, snap!!

I am wandering around the house, waiting for E to call me and whenever I pass through my computer I want to sit down and write to you. But I think I don't have as much time as I would want to, so I was reading some blogs, learning how you girls are going.

I couldn't hold it anymore though:
55.1
I cannot believe it!!! I actually had to go up the scale twice because I wasn't sure the number was right :)

*my mom arrives tmrrw until Saturday afternoon..
I'll try to keep posting but I can't promise girls.. I will be reading your blogs though!

Stay strong !!

Joined the club.

At last.
So many things I want to share with you in this post, I'm just not sure where to begin.. Within 3 days everything changed. This whole week I was so nervous I couldn't sleep cause of what happened last year and the one before this time of the month. I was wandering around the house the entire night, I couldn't eat and I am still shaking cause I stopped my pills.

Yesterday was my nameday, and my.. 'party'. It wasn't that great cause of my friend's boyfriend that was being such an ass all the time looking at me and looking at my boyfriend and made her so jealous. I really really wonder why she is still with him.. The important thing is that me and my new best friend here (let's call her E.) got so drunk and had a great time, inspite of all the mean looks and my ex best friend being at the same club and didn't even wished me happy nameday..

Anyway.. when I said my boyfriend, well I mean Di.(don't want to say the whole name, even though I may have mention it on previous posts, I don't remember..)

We got to speak seriously this time, I told him everything I felt (in a strict way, that's only how it works sometimes..) and he told me stuff, so I decided to give it a try. I know I can't be seriously hurt since I can't feel much.
Yesterday we went home after the club and he was so nice. We had ..well you know and it was my first actual time (actual? don't ask, looong story). There it is, I said it!!!
I mean it was great and I was never a romantic type of girl, so I really wanted to do this with him.
So I did it :)


What else is new, my scale this morning showed 55.8!!! I was so hungry, I feel dizzy all the time and I'm shaking, but I'm so freaking happy! On wednesday that mum arrives I have to eat normally for 4 whole days, so I want to loose as much as I can till then.

So here's a picture of Gisele even though I don't like celeb thinspo..
I find this one looks so perfect:
beautiful, skinny, calm and happy.
That what I wish for me, and all of you :)

It's not that I care about you, mister. but oh, well..

So many things on my mind right now. Situations change within two minutes and I can't help but sit back and watch. Yesterday was one of my friend's birthday so I had to go to an event I really really wouldn't go at any other occasion.
But that wasn't the worst part of it. He came back to my life (told you girls! it's a magical thing, every time I laser my legs he has to show up, it's almost disturbing haha). By he I mean the one who plays basketball, we had a little little thing and came to my house for a movie and then things got complicated and blah blah blahhhh..


Anyway, he just posted a link of a song on my facebook Wall the other day about sth funny and ..BAM! I know I have been complaining about having a boyfriend (well about not having one) and he seems to come at the exact time -my party that is. So he came to this event even though I was like "I'm not going to text you to come. If you want to come I would be happy, but I won't text you". That kinda worked because he almost got there before us, lol.
I don't like feeling stupid. Just because I don't think I am. And because he made me feel a little bit like that in the past, I won't let it happen again. I will see where all this will go, in fact it won't go too far, because by the end of next month I'm leaving for london and he goes to his hometown, which is faaaar from mine, for the whole summer.
So I guess it's ok.

Sugar overload.

Another peacefull day for me here.
..even though everyone around me seems to want to see the bad side of me, I won't let it come out.
I won't.
I do not desire my last year's self, even though it's easier to get along with people being a mean, arrogant person. At least for me. I surprise myself every day with how good I can be, how calm and how love (not much) I can pretend to give to the world around me.
But still. I cannot feel full. I cannot feel people love me, I can't accept any kind of emotion -not even anger. APATHY.


Of course today I can feel full. I can feel so full with a chicken sandwich, an ice cream, some cookies and a strawberry tart. Ew.
Anyway, I'm not going to "cry" and spend the rest of this post apologising about it. I'm not proud of myself today so I don't want to talk about it anymore.


So my mum comes next wednesday and for 4 days. Reason: to cook me stuff for my exams. Hahaha! She would never let her sick daughter without food during exams!!! The thing now is that I have to throw away everything she made me last September from the freezer, and that's a lot..

I'm going to the gym in about an hour for my tae bo class. Now that the weather is good I'm walking to and from the gym instead of taking the bus.

Oh, last thing in this blah blah boring post: me and a friend of mine (actually the one with the stupid bf) are having a party on Friday at a club. Cause on the 21st it's a celebration of our names so we have to do it together!!
That sounds like fun
*(and a little spooky, cause he is going to come..)

Quick update..

Okay, so after receiving a Beautiful Blogger Award from Silly Girl, I was feeling kinda beautiful and peacefull with myself.. It was cloudy this morning so we didn't go to the beach. Instead of that, we went to a reastaurant by the sea to eat. Eat.

Wow I wasn't ready for that. I kept starving the whole week to look nice with my swimsuit and now we were about to eat. I couldn't let this happen. So I thought at least I had to look great. And I did.
I took a big (huge actually) breath and wore my jean shorts with a grey t shirt and my brown sandals! Finally I managed to get out of my house wearing these stuff (and a cardigan of course, even it was like 33 celsius degrees outside).

And I was feeling nice. I ate some calamari and salad and then we went to our favorite cafe for desserts.. my waiter was there (brief info: guy who likes my painted nails and always tells me jokes even though he sounds little silly sometimes) and he was at our table all the time making sure I like the music and everything around me! I like him, he makes me smile and I haven't had a dessert for a long time so I ate some chocolate and I loved it so much!

Beautiful Blogger Award !

Oh this morning couldn’t have been better!! I woke up so mad cause of a stupid guy who kept calling me all night long and just opened my laptop to see what you girls have been up to, the only thing I could do to cheer me up..

So guess what: Silly Girl has given me the Beautiful Blogger Award!! <3

So now I have to pick five bloggers to award this to! I know some of you may already have been awarded, but oh well :)


1. So the first one I have to give it back to Silly Girl (NotesFromtheVoices). You were the first one to give me such lovely comments, and I am so amazed by your strength and your kindness in each and every one of your posts!! Oh, and I always love the songs you put on the side bar!

2. The second one has to be Sottile (Now It’s All Collapsed). I love your posts and your stories and of course the fact that you study to be a vet (we will all be in the huge medicine world one day!!).

3. Even though I’m a new follower to her blog, I have to choose embre (leak) for my next Beautiful Blogger Award. Her posts are so inspiring!!

4. PrettyWreck (Control) has to be the next one. She is steadily loosing all the weight she wants and I admire her for that. Her posts are always full of emotions and I laughed so much at the one with the barbies!!

5. The last one is awarded to Mina Belle (Dreams to be Desired) because has a little online pet, which I love and because she was so kind and brave to show us pictures of the prom and tell all the gossip about it, which I was so impatiently waiting for!!


I wish I could give some more of these… You girls are my secret world, I laugh with your stories and I cry with your struggles.

I wish we could all go for a coffee one day, I think we would have a lot to say :)

Short shorts and nudes.. summer yet?

Hot. It's so hot. But not hotter than yesterday and not hotter than tmrrw. Wow. And I'm in my house with the window repair-man who makes so much noise in the kitchen I think I'm going to punch him.
But I wont, cause he is too nice to me (my stupid windows break every two months, and not even all together) so he comes all those steps with his tools and a ladder.


I'm finally home because this whole week I've beem studying at the uni's library, going to gym and going out. Yesterday I went home around 2.00 am after drinking so much wine, I needed to forget some things, stupid things that now give me a headache all over again, along with the whistle of the repair-man.. A happy guy lol.


I have been feeling even more uncomfortable with my body since my so-called friends look at me, measuring me and trying to make me eat more, just because they feel panicked going to the beach tmrrw. But so am I. And nobody seems to understand. Tmrrw when they'll see my body they will understand and leave me alone. It's not my fault that he (her bf who likes me) has turned her into this insecure thing. He is an ass, she has issues and all of this is not my fault. I barely know this guy and surely I do not deserve being envied in such a bad way from my friends.

*omg he is going to bring the whole kitchen room down!!

Anyway yesterday I had about 1500 cals because they wanted to eat at my place (duh!) so I had to eat too. I was so happy with my 600 cals day and they go and ruin it all.
Today I had a grande light mocha coconut frappuccino with no sirup and a salad for meal. And that's all. Carrots till the end of the day and probably yoga class at night.


wish I could look like that :)
maybe one day we'll all look like that!

Yeah, but why do you care?

Hmm same old story today. Nothing really wow happened, just that I have turned to a delivery service for my sick cousin. That's okay, I'm a nice person no matter what. It's just a little exhausting :)

So I woke up really early to get her medicine, then some rusks and then went home again and had half a yogurt with 4 strawberries and a cup of black coffee. I'm so happy I now drink my coffee black! Went to uni's library to study and then to the gym for my tae bo class. Then I got so hungry and had some crackers and a tomato, an apple and one kiwi. I also took my pill today :D


I'm exhausted, really. I want to sleep and I have 8 hours of class tmrrw. Actually 6 in a row and then another two, with 3 hours in the middle. So during this time I have to eat. I will be watched, under the supervision of my friends. And I can't tell them I ate cause classes start at 9 in the morning.
Who can eat then??

Anyway.. I need to get some sleep. So I better go to bed now :)
*nighty night girLss*

At the beach.. horror(?)

Update, update!

Well yesterday and today I have been studying a bit, eating a bit.. neither things I like so I did not want to post tonight. But I also did some abs and butt practise I found on youtube, and I feel nice about that.
I so enjoy working out!


ALERT! Did I tell you? On Saturday I'm going to the beach. Tatannn!! I mean with other girls but still, I'll have to wear a swimsuit omg!
So I have to do sth, I say!! I went to the grocery store and took stawberries, 3 apples, 2 kiwis and 4 carrots. I also have one 2%fat yogurt and a tomato. What do you say? I say I don't go to the supermarket until next Monday, so I'll just have these, and much coffee :)


*Last night was so awesome! A friend of mine plays DJ at a bar, so we hanged out there with other students and I got to meet losts of ppl as he is kinda popular at his department (psysics that is). Oh, and I met this guy that lives near my house at my hometown, he is cute but of course younger.. blaaahh, what's with me and the younger guys?? ! So we went there at about 3 and we left at 2am..

I had sooo much fun at last!

Here comes the bf issue:

Well it's a little early for a post, but whatever..
So I'm officially under 57 and that's good! I woke up like 2 hours after my scheduled time -oups- and I really wanted sb to complain to. Yeah, I was and I'm still in a good mood, but I want to just get it all out..

*
So I think I'm tired. Of everything that happens around me. Of stupid friendships that last as long as everything is nice and pretty, as long as the other one isn't better at sth. When you start to feel threatened, that's when you ruin everything. This year I tried to be a nicer person. And the result: I lost one of my best friends I had from school, I can't do a proper fast cause my social life gets in the way, and I'm still single. That last one has got so annoying lately, cause everybody wonders why all over again.

Has that ever happened to you?
When everyone thinks you have a secret boyfriend somewhere, and they don't even believe you're single??
It's frustrating at this age. Really. I'm turning 20 in about a month and I've never had a proper boyfriend. Why? Cause I'm too shy to do the first move and cause everyone assumes I have a boyfriend. I mean, come on, I'm always with my girl- friends!!
It started back at school, and now I have to deal with it all over again. Sucks.


Of course I enjoy being single but this morning I really wanted sth with my coffee, since I'm not allowed any cookies hahaha... :p

Don't cha..

So I did not go to the club last Wednesday. No, I didn't and as a matter of fact I cancelled it at the very last moment. Cause of a bad haedache that lasted for two days. So apparently I am the bond to this ..friendship, cause they all cancelled it because of me. Ironic, really.
Of course two of the girls blamed it all on me, but that's another story. I've been having the silliest problem ever lately. As even though my issues are not important enough, I have to deal with the fact that one of my friend's boyfriend likes me. I mean a lot. And he keeps comparing her to me. So she is soooo mad at me, tries to hide it but keeps saying bitter things to make me uncomfortable.
Okay now.


I try not to care. But I don't have a great score at that. And now I have them watching me.. and if I don't eat they criticise me, and if I go to the gym they criticise me.
WHAT A JOY! luckily one of them (we are four) is on my side, the other two are seriously so unreasonable.

And that was really unfair..

So I couldn't decide wether to post today or not. As you can see.. I made my decision, even though I don't have much to tell you.

This morning my scale showed 56.6!!! Yes that stupid thing is finally moving and I'm so happy about it. I woke up really really early to go to the post office and it was closed (!) so I'll have to go again tmrrw.
Believe me it's not my new thing: waking up pretty much as early as the sun comes out and going to the post office, although it seems like it. :)

Today I had a small piece of corn bread and a juice, a carrot and a low fat (2%) yogurt. After six hours of Biology I was so hungry I just wanted pasta. Feeling guilty already I went to the supermarket to get pesto sauce. I usually get tomato and basil sauce so -as I always do- I compared the cals of these two sauces. Wow. Per 100gr tomato sauce has 66cals and pesto had 550cals!!! I could not believe it. Of course -no need to say that- I took the tomato sauce and made my pasta with no cheese.
So I'm assuming all these counts up to 800cals..


I'm now waiting for my girls to come. We're going clubbing tonight :)
I have a terrible headache -probably the reason for my tons of spelling mistakes in this post- and I really want just to sleep.. but oh, well I'm sure it will be okay. Of course I'll be waiting for about an hour more. Hopefully I don't fall asleep since then haha..
So I'm wearing my black sandal heels, my jean shorts with black tights and a black t-shirt. I know that within this hour I'm going to change to my jeans and black lace top, I know that :p

Anyway, that is pretty much. Oh apart from the post office I have to go to uni tmrrw as well, even though I don't have a class cause today I accidentally took my notebook that we're supposed to leave to the teacher.

Ohh, where is my mind lately??

SEM lab today.

(= Scanning Electron Microscope)
It was over three hours but it was okay after all. I love noon labs, and that's 12.00-15.00, the exact time that I always want sth to eat. I woke up really late though and I had a little problem with my kitchen window (I'm alive though..lol) so I ate half a green apple and 5 crackers waiting for this stupid thing to get fixed -and of course it didn't!!


I then went to the lab like 4 minutes late and the teacher was already mad. Luckily I wasn't the last one :p
So after that we went with my friends for lunch. Oh, lunch. I told them sooo many excuses but we had to wait for some notes for PlantBiology. Fuck. I had a small brown bread sandwich without the turkey (tomato, white cheese and lettuce) and a cup of coffee. It just ruined everything.


Anyway I got home, cleaned up a little and skyped with my best friend and guess whaaaaat!!! There is a big chance I might go to New York at August!! *yeahhhh* I've never been to US and I got really excited.

Oh I had a carrot too. Okay I hate carrots, and that's why I bought 4 of them today. They really cut my appetite :)

hmm..so there wasn't much to say, just a small update.
But I really love that picture, I so love it!!

xoxo

Twinkle, twinkle, little star..

Oh..I just tried to wax my legs: a complete DISASTERRRR!! I'm covered with wax all over..on the keyboard, my t-shirt, the chair, even my hair... ah, fuck it! I used my Venus razors instead. So now my legs look super nicer haha! (my hair don't but whatever!)


I woke up this morning to pay the bills but me and my friend went really late and it was too crowded I started panicking, so we left. Tmrrw I'll try again earlier I guess..

I was really happy this morning when I woke up and looked at the mirror. My collarbones are more visible *hoo-rayyy* and I just love this cause my bone structure really doesn't show my collarbones easily. So even though my scale has not moved at all, I was happy and pleased with that.

Of course now that I'm home I really think I don't have much time to be skinny. I don't. Almost everyone around me seems to have bodies I would love to have, but as much as I suck my stomach in I don't see any of these in my future. I know my body is not model-looking (hello..13 years of prof. swimming what did you expect?) but can't I just look thinner?

Anyway today I had 4 crackers, half green apple, a salad and a cup of coffee. For the rest of the day I have the other half apple and some strawberries.
..and since I didn't go to the supermarket, I don't really have another choice. That's good.


I really want to believe I can do this..
just like I know that you can do this when I read your blogs
and I don't want to let you down.. I really don't. :D

I could really use a tequila shot right now.

But this is my third cup of coffee for today.

All right, it's not full but that's a lot of coffee for one day.. and there's still a cup left! Stupid designer of my coffee machine, why the heck would you not put a sign for when water is enough for one single person?? I'm trying to imagine when it's enough, and I always end up with at least 3 cups of black coffee. Great.


Today I woke up feeling good and it got even better. Opening my facebook page I realised that S. liked my profile pic! Oh it felt so good! I mean it sounds stupid but S. -let me briefly inform you- is the one. Or maybe was. He was my first love, he was everything I wanted from a guy and everything I will ever ask for. And he is not mine. He was, just not any more. A long time ago. And it's much complicated.
Anyway I tend to forget what I want to say when I talk about him so let me get to the point: *he still remembers me* ..and that's when a girly silly stupid little dance starts.. I'm a psycho, thank you.


Tmrrw is supermarket and bills day. I'm thinking maybe I get this time black eyed peas, instead of the green long ones and some more low fat yogurts. Today I had two bananas, a small plate of these long peas with some plain pasta, my pill and the 3 cups of coffee. I have one cup of coffee left and my second pill of the day. Maybe I'll skip both, either way makes no difference.

The weather is nice, gets nicer by the days, so it will be summer weather soon :)
Can't wait to wear my old gladiator sandals even if it's with long jeans and no shorts. That last one will take a while for me. Not long though *

It was about time.

Finally. 1st of May.
And my problem is finally solved this morning, after having such a bad mood and talking really angrily to everyone around me. I'm better now, thanks.

But everything now will be put in order. They have to be. It's a new start. I know that I haven't reached -not even close- to my goal weight but this will change too. Last month was all about staying steady, wasn't really doing sth good for me.
I try every single day to keep out some crazy thoughts.. I wish it could be easier but oh,well..


So today was a bright shinny day and me and my friend went to a restaurant. I was really nervous cause she is kinda overweight and she likes fried things etc. So we were looking at the menu and decided to eat seafood. So she chose the fried calamari and I agreed with it cause I like that too. Then I suggested grilled octopus but she didn't want and she suggested fried shrimps. I'm not eating fried shrimps!! I like them but they are small little things full of fried unhealthy oil, all you get is a bunch of cals. So I though great we'll only have the calamari and the salad.
But nooo, then she changed her mind and told me why don't we eat meat? So finally I had grilled chicken with some french fries. Omg I did not have had fries since ages so they tasted soo good! *Guilty* And then she was like "oh, the chicken was not good? why don't you eat it?" ..I ate fries and some wine so I'm not eating the chicken too, duh!!


But I had a great time. We are not close enough with her, and we got to spend the day together and it was nice after all. :)


I'm now drinking boiling water -instead of tea- and I really want a long bath.. Tmrrw's finally the new start and of course I'm starting at 57 all over again..

so super thinspo picture for the new start:
(love you, girLs*)