Nothing's worth it.

Blah day today. I woke up feeling mad. Angry at everybody and everything. I don't know why. My mood didn't change at the appointment to the gynaecologist, for a full examination. Don't worry, nothing is wrong but I was going for the first time so obviously I was nervous. For that too.

This morning the scale showed 56.9

it hasn't been 56.something for so long! I wasn't pleased though. Just a little surprised. Progress.

Days left? 45. I'm gonna do this.

In other news, yoga night tonight. I am really exhausted.

Sweet dreams everyone! I'll try for mine :)

Good morning

At 3 pm. So this is what I like about university life: last night I had to go to the supermarket. I needed a whole bunch of stuff like chlorine, shampoo, milk, Kellog's Special K, coffee, toothpaste and hand soap. So I called my friends who live near here and decided to go all together.

Then we decided to go for a late coffee (which was tea for me) but THEN someone inform us that a party is going on somewhere. So we came over my place and watched Toy Story 1 (so cute!!) and then went to a party. 12.30 am. Okay, the party sucked, the other party that was happening in town sucked too. And there was only beer, I wanted vodka. So we passed three bars until we finally decided to have a drink at around 3 am. Well, I came home around 6am.

But to tell you the truth, it wasn't a good night out.

It was surely unexpected though :)

So reading some blogs today I realised spring's coming!

I like spring. Do you?

Love is a Must?

I did it! I managed today to fill my weekly schedule that much, that there is no room to think, eat or rest anymore. And I'm so happy :)

Instead of thinking, I will study at uni's library.

Instead of eating, I'll drink my vitamins

and instead of resting, I'll go out for drinks and post and comment around here.

Let's see how long I can last this way. I need a whole semester.

I ate too much last night. I was out having fun with new friends, dressed up formally and drinking wine. I had a nice time. I really need to think less and drink (oups, sorry, LIVE) more.

at this starry night

It's late. I should probably be sleeping right now. I have a lab tomorrow morning, but biting my lips have given me the craziest headache. I bite my lips when I am nervous, sad, irritated, bored, hungry. So most of the time. Sometimes I think I must stop. Probably I'll work some day on that too.

So Monday. Hitting the gym early today, went to university feeling in a better mood, I even wore my new pair of jeans. Good choice there were so many cute boys, not that I wanted to talk to someone, but still I was quite impressed I have to admit. Weird, I know we are full of nerds and guys with hair longer than mine. That last thing is a no-no for me.

Anyway, scale today: 57.4

come on!! I could really do better than that.

* * *..sweet dreams everyone..* * *

"this world is Sick, so kiss me Quick"

Sunday morning. A beautiful Sunday morning. Weird huh?

I used to hate Sundays and sometimes I still do, but as I woke up from a beautiful (yet totally imaginary) dream, I felt all my ribs. So I stayed in bed in hopes of continuing my dream and trying to count them all. It was almost intoxicating, I swear I didn't have alcohol or anything suspicious last night!

Black coffee and kiwis.

Keep listening to Lily Allen's -who'd have known, it's the perfect soundtrack for today. I haven't even heard it before (thank you, youtube sidebar).

I really soon though have to leave the bubble I'm living in right now and study.

What a pity..

T.T post!

Okay, goodmorning!

While eating some strawberries, I decided I should do a Themed Thinspo (T.T.). I noticed that many of you find Nicole Richie a major inspiration for all the kilos she have lost and remained skinny! But that's not the only thing I see on her. I also see a fashion icon (and nothing more of course, I'm not interested in her "celebrity" side of her).

In other news I decided to weight myself on Monday because this every day thing puts some no needed pressure on me right now. Plus it's better motivation to see a pound off than every day's ups and downs.

I'm very cold on a lovely sunny day.. I wonder why.

p.s. thank you so much for your lovely comments on me getting the driving license! I wish I had a bus to take you ALL for a ride!

Love you :)

Turn the lights off !

I almost died from anxiety today.. BUT I passed my driving exam!

WOOT WOOT!!

I was completely shaking during the test and I was doing fine with the stick but just as I turned off the car to go out to the pavement I forgot to look if someone was passing and they almost failed me! But they were good enough to let it go and passed me :D

it was so close..

I am so relieved and I'm happy enough!

The doorbell

I cannot understand why the next blog from mine has ALWAYS to be a food related one. I mean every time I hit that button I get tons of recipes and pictures of (not often) delicious food. Don't get me wrong, every one writes about what loves the most, I just don't get the connection. Anyway.

And what do I love the most? yes, I love my sister, coffee, strawberries, hipbones, etc but I really also love clothes! So yesterday I discovered a not-so-hidden to be honest clothing store that has so amazing things!

So they have just brought the SS collection as sales are finally over so I took a look on the new pieces and fell in love with a spring dress.. oh, it was at first sight! But it's kinda expensive. Anyway my point is that when I get down to 55 (yes, I have also promised pictures then) I will try it on and if it looks gorgeous (I really hope it does) I'll buy it!

Dresses have to look absolutely gorgeous on me to buy them, cause I don't wear them a lot.

In other news, my driving test is tomorrow!! Oh, I am so fucking nervous. I really hope I do well so I can get my license. I don't have a car here, but I can drive at my hometown!

So I will definitely let you know how that goes tomorrow afternoon. Wish me luck!

Have a great day you all *

okay, they're cute but do you think they are trying to tell something?

yes, being a ..pig was never on my list!

so thanks, but I'll pass.

Saint who?

I was ten minutes late on my first class.. that's so classy right?

wasn't my fault, I took the bus late (kinda my fault..) Oh, I love how this semester's classes all start at noon so it's too early to eat lunch before and then dinner time after that! I love it when I have one meal during the day.

I wrote on a paper inspiring things to help me stay focused. I have 60 days left and four kilos to loose. Yes, this must be so easy but let me remind you that it's easier to damage my health than loose a pound.

So I wrote inspiring things (my trip to NY and the names of my two skinny girlfriends), then wrote down people who have made it (a friend of mine and Nicole Richie lol) and in the end I wrote that instead I can have tea, coffee or light a cigarette. I don't know where to put this paper though, as people can come in and find it.

I am also drawing a small cross on my right hand every day (the fork hand -you know I hate spoons) to remind me that I must not eat.

Today I have 1009 calories.

make it less..make it less..make it much less.

Round round

Haha I think I'm gonna throw up. You know I was waiting all day to cheer myself up so I can make a happy post and now I think I made it :)

So it's 11 p.m here, I cancelled the coffee with my friends because I was kinda cold and I've been dancing around like a fool an hour now. I know I'm crazy but I've been spinning around and falling into bed- the room is still turning!!

Tomorrow second semester starts. I have only one class on Mondays!

Anyway, nothing really important to say. I went to this dubstep(?) party on Saturday, it was kinda fun, I danced a bit. Thank you all for commenting such lovely words!

Have a nice week -and happy Valentine's Day for those who believe :)

*

there are no words

Alcohol helps

You know I'm not fucking boogeyman! I don't know why the fuck she feels explaining herself to me if she eats chocolate or whatever. Yes, this is follow up to the previous post, except this time I play the bad friend. I'm a gemini, yes, that means two sides of me sometimes.

I can't handle this situation. I've got my own ED and I'm not willing to help E develop one. No. I wouldn't care less if she eats that chocolate, if she gained a kilo, if she did her work out. Really.

I am not her "diet pal". This thing I have sometimes is hurting me and I won't try to pretend I diet and oh, let's talk about programme. No, because starving and bingeing is NOT a diet programme and because I don't want to be "sexy smokin' body".

It's deeper than that.

I'm so angry in case you couldn't already tell. I hate this situation, hate that parents push me to find a boyfriend cause this is the right time for them, hate the fact that cousin and I ate non stop yesterday I didn't even tried to go on the scale in case it breaks, hate the fact that Valentines Day exists and whatever you do that day means it's love (well it's not!), hate the fact that my umbrella's broken,

hate the fact that my mood swings the whole fucking time.

In other news, there is a party tonight. Blah. I wouldn't care to go. What for? But I will go and pretend I'm having a good time. Alcohol helps, too.

I promise I'll play nice :)

More coffee, please

Such a lovely day today. So sunny and peaceful. My driving lesson was really great this time, I actually enjoyed it! Oh, by the way, my driving exam is next Thursday. Oh, my!

I cleaned so freaking much today. Like kitchen, bathroom, bedroom EVERYTHING. My cousin is coming and it was about time I truly cleaned this place. Now it looks like a hospital :p

Today's intake: 700 cals.

In other news, I have done something I think it's bad. I have written here about my friend E, who loves chocolate and she always gets "influenced" by my style and my attitude? Some times I get mad about her copying every move of me but that time it's kinda worse. Now that my lifeguard diploma is coming I was talking more about freaking out for bikini season and told her that this summer we will go to the beach as early as we can cause I want to get tanned. As a result she is being obsessive about dieting, being on a programme, freaking out about extra food and complaining she gained a kilo now that she went to her hometown. Oh what have I done to her?

She is average -she just has more fat on her lower body. And very pretty. But I hope I didn't pushed her to this. I mean she always telsl me I'm thin and I'm like "haha,well okay do you know how a thin person looks like?" Maybe this time she will copy my ED and I really don't want that.

I hope she is just dieting. I really wish for that.

I really wanted to write about my panic attack at my driving lesson. It was totally pointless. But let's forget about it or even pretend it didn't happen? I'll try. Today's binge caused me a 1445 calories intake. Thank you very much.

Just thinspo for tonight..

>

No bacon please

This morning I truly wanted to stay in bed. But I had to go to the university as I must choose field. Environmental OR Molecular? Molecular it was, classes start next Wednesday. And for my romantic readers, yes on Valentine's Day! How dare they, right? haha

You see I am in a good mood. I am. I went for coffee with some friends, that turned out to be dessert time. I freaked out so I claimed I was hungry and ordered salad instead. So I ate a little early today. But the weather was lovely so I enjoyed being outdoors and having a salad when it is supposed to be winter here.

In other news today the scale showed 57.9

everyone seems to be surprised I can convert kilos to pounds and cm to feet so easy, I have to be more careful. It just occurred in a conversation and I got some weird looks for answering that fast. Oups!

Days left: 67days, 08hours, 32mins, 33sec

Oh, please take a look at these muffins. I did too :)

The first day.

Hey hey heyyy

exams are finally (and officially) over. Sorry for not posting yesterday but there was always people coming and go here so I wouldn't risk it. Last night was fun. Well, not at first, but with a little good mood and some vodka everything turned so fun. I even danced a bit. Yes.
Let me draw you a little picture. Our department was having this huge party for the end of exams at a really filthy bar here but somehow it is an every-year event so there were students from all the universities. So we went a bit late (1.30 pm?) and was so crowded, we left and returned an hour later. We managed to get by the DJ, he is a friend but after two vodkas I was outside sitting on the side of the road listening to a girl telling me and my friend how she snoged a guy.. That was weird and so boring, so I went back in, danced a bit with some guys and went home at about 4. My head is still turning, obviously the vodka was filthy as well. But hey, we HAD to celebrate and I'm proud of myself for at last having a nice time.

Oh other news, I went to the lifeguard's office. It seems I'm starting in a week and the first lesson is a swimming one. Wow I have to get a bathing suit so early this year.. And only have a week. I'm not panicking yet, but this evening me and my friends are cooking muffins for anti-valentines day. It's a rehearsal cooking so that we don't screw up that day. Nice, huh??

If they look presentable I might post a picture here tomorrow :)

So let's all raise a glass (of water, diet coke, soda? your choice) to this new start. As from today, no more misery, no more crazy thoughts, no more fucking food. Enjoying life, studying so freaking hard and working out. I'm curious to see if I can ever get perfect.

This is my experiment. And I want you all with me :)

Dance with me in the rain*

I love rain. Walking in the rain by the sea.. it's so vintage, movie-like, anything can happen except it doesn't. But I love it anyway. What if my shoes were wet, my hair doubled it's volume and the raindrops kept tickling my nose? I closed my umbrella and enjoyed the rain falling on the silent blue sea :)

Thank you for all your concern, it really means a lot to me. I will definitely take more care of myself, trying so hard to love me already. I booked an appointment on the lifeguarding office for tomorrow.. I'll tell you on my next post what happened.

I decided that since we talk over here, I could give you my msn account, so feel free to add me. It's not that I use it that much but I think it would be great to get to know each other.

annamaria.sec@hotmail(.)com

Say it ain't so!

Say yesterday I was't me. No, not again..

So here's what happened: 9 a.m english exams, feeling rather sleepy, 9.15 english exams, feeling quite dizzy, 9.35 english exams, couldn't quite breathe, 9.55 english exams, standing up with my half empty (or half full?) answer sheet, leaving the classroom almost fainting on a chair right outside. Bad luck?

Tell me why I deserve this? Tell me why every time I try to loose some weight I end up fainting somewhere, suffer from insomnia, get distracted so fucking easily and I'm not EVEN starving myself. Tell me why I had today to start new pills? Why I had to lie to my parents I passed my exam so they don't worry and come over and stay here forever feeding me until I blow up?

anemia. I know the stuff.

I don't care. Really. This time is not about trying, it's about succeeding. I take my pills this time. It's not fair. Really not. Gym time is coming, classes start, I have things to do and I'll make it even if that means I carry a bad of pills in my purse and eat meat and an orange juice every day. But hey, if that's the case these will be the only thing I'd have. That IS fair.

*yesterday I gave my lunch to a cute white dog at university and my dinner to a pregnant black dog wandering at the park and chewing to paper. (of course I couldn't eat after two glasses of wine. yes, no more sodas on drink's night. I love alcohol, I'm having alcohol, THE END)

It made me so happy :)