don't ask me that..

I don't know what to tell you..

I am in my room.. this room reminds me of a whole lot things, both good and bad. There is a stupid Santa Claus that has been here for about two years now and he wears a carnival crown too! There is a poster of the band "Silversun Pickups" who came last summer in my town and they were amazing.. Hmmm, I have cried so much on this bed I'm sitting right now writing this post, but now I am just a bit of smiling. A bit.

Well I don't feel nice. Actually I feel bad. My head is stuck in a stupid situation, my back hurts, my stomach is full and that doesn't help at all.. above all that I am making fake memories again. It is sth I really like doing -you know already I'm a phycho, don't you??- but lately they tend to stop me from relaxing. I have to use my pillow mist again. Oh, if only you could realise what this means!!

Monday and Tuesday I'm home alone. Is that perfect? I doubt it.. I'm not feeling good. Everybody thinks I should stop thinking of him.

But we had a great time. I least I did. I know I did. We'll see..

No one can really tell I have all these on my mind. Not now.. Only two ppl know most of it (of course ED's talk is forbidden) but one is really busy at the moment and the other one is on the other side of the globe..

And here's the point where I thank you so much and I am letting you know how much it means to me that you are reading this blog vomit right now

So for now I can't do anything else but making fake memories..

01. ??

Okay maybe the countdown went wrong.

But it is over.

Today I'm flying home. Tonigh actually..

So this morning my scale showed 56 kilos. That is 123.4 lbs I believe..

Oh I was so used to 57 it sounds funny... I'm happy with that number, but I really wish it would be much lower.

So new goals will be on next month when I come back here :)

Of course I'll keep posting from home but until then..

HAPPY HOLIDAYSSSSSSSSSS**

07.

Yeah everything's fine.

I am the problem.

I try not to panic, but my nerves don't seem to be controlled lately. And until when am I going to blame all on my hormones?? Anyways, it seems that if I say some things over and over again, I can actually and eventually believe them. Tricky.

Last night I had wine. And much fun. And I also met a guy I liked, he is friends with the DJ I was talking about at my previous post. Last night was a relief. Until today afternoon.

When this all is going to stop??

My lab today was fun. Well not really, if you consider that we spend three hours each week cutting off leaves flowers and vegetables and watch them on the microscope. But oh well it's the last one until my Easter holidays :)

Today's intake--> half cup of coffee ( I actually don't remember drinking it but I saw the rest of the cup in my wardrobe lol), lots of wheat rusks with tomato and low fat cheese, and a low fat strawberry yogurt. I assume all these are like 800 cals.. Fuck.

take these pills, don't you?

I'm stupid, thank you :)

07.

Do I have an excuse?

well.. no I actually don't.


I can't tell you why I keep eating more than I should the last few days, I can't explain why I'm being such a "aw poor girl" about him and surely I cannot explain why the heck I don't post my countdown any more..
This should be number 04, but instead it's a 07. Nice.



So if you want to know what really happened on Friday night, well I am here to tell you. NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. Why? He didn't come. He didn't text. He didn't even call me to explain. And ohnestly I really don't know why I bother so much. I went to the ladies room to blow up my nose(?) and all the girls there (I didn't know a sinlge one of them..) were like "awww please, don't be unhappy, please don't cry..." I mean WTF??


Well yes, I was a little moody, but of course I wouldn't cry!! Anyway, I blame all this on my hormones. I really do. (I also blame my hormones for not doing the stupid determination of fat(?) I was scheduled to do. After Easter holidays, ladies..)





So I have 4 days till I fly home. I'll try to do my best for that. Like 600? maybe 500..


Today I had a coffee with 2 coockies and then I'll have a steak. And that's it cause I have a blood test to do, remember? Yeah, the bloody blood test I should have done like three months now..
Oh and we're going to this bar tonight, a friend of mine plays music there and he needs support so I'll propably have a Corona too. Or maybe a glass of red wine. Yeah, better wine don't you think?


And one last thing. I feel so ashamed. I really really do cause yesterday was my mom's birthday and I totally forgot about it. I was all day with terrible headaches and stomachaches (stupid hormones ) and my sister reminded me of her birthday.
I'm stupid, thank you :)








(***new followers??***)


L O V E Y O U A L L . . ! !

08.

Okay,

so you haven't heard from me for a little while..

Sorry for that I'm just trying to make some things clear in my head. Cause sometimes I want to be good and bad at the same time and loose myself for a moment. I think that these all just ain't me.. but I'm okay now.

I have eaten a lot these past 4 days and I wish not to refer to that. Today I had 3strawberries, a grande latte and a coockie, a mint tea and half slice of a plain tomato mozarella pizza.

The thing now is that in one hour I am doing a determination of fat (?) of my body at the gym. Hope it goes okay, I mean I've been working out my whole life so this can't be that bad..

We'll see..

Oh, and one thing. I really really want to have a great time on Friday night. My university holds a party at the biggest club here (not as hot as this sounds but whatevah) and he told me he wants to come to see me. I'm happy about that but not so sure we'll be okay. *fingers crossed*

09.

Just ReLax.

And haVe fun*

And get some nice sleePP :)

*freak out no more..

10.

Oh 10 days..

This is the time when 10 days can be a long time, but 10 days can be a really short time.

Yesterday was a full day (no studying again though) but it didn't stop me from thinking. I had a lot of time to think. Well you should know that is what destroys me. I can think like extremely fast. And that exhausts me. Cause when I use this damn brain for silly things and not for my science (a do that a lot) it can surely drive me insane.

Long story short.. I thought he was mad at me and he wouldn't talk to me again. Cause of a stupid thing but if you know sb that short you can never know what he is capable of. That followed by Friday's stuff, plus my hormones. Bam. Of course I went for lunch with my friends then coffee then theater then for a drink. And the stupid phone didn't even ring. Overall I had a good time but that bothered me a lot. So late night I went home, signed in my msn and a few minutes later he was there. I didn't even try to think that he was such an ****** and he sent me a message. Like two pages telling me that he was sleeping till late and then went to basketball practice for today's game and "blah blah blah even my parents were so worried blah blah blah I'm so sorry blah blah blah I haven't been acting well with you and I regret it blah blah BLAH"

And yessss! I'm that bad girl again. I hate that. I really really do. And I blame it all on hormones. You should know that.

Anyway, I had some two coffees, some chips, spinach-cheese burito and some sangria (maybe little more..I can never resist to sangria)

Of course now I'm more calm and off to study :)

*that mad I was yesterday morning that I cleaned all the windows in the house. I'm proud of them though!!*

11.

Sorry I didn't post last night..

It was a great day followed by a superbad night. Emotionally, I mean.

But oh well.

I'm not better now, I'm ok though.

So last night I went to a beautiful concert, very romantic I really liked it. And that's all I want to remember.

And surely I don't want to remember the sandwich, the salmon spaggeti, some bread, and 4-5 chocolate pieces I ate!!! Like really.. Oh I also want to forget my last night's yoga class.

Anyway.

12.

Red hot.

Yoga mat.

Tae bo class.

These things bothered me today (I know I have to study a bit, but oh well..). So I painted my nails, I went to the gym but couldn't find a yoga mat.

Today I had an orange juice and some brown bread (?) a tall latte and a low fat chicken sandwich, some chocolate and strawberries with bananas..

Also I didn't go out with him tonight cause he had a basketball game and then he wanted to watch a football game with his friends and I'm so sleepy to wait that long.. So tmrrw we'll go for coffee :)

I went for coffee with my ex-I-thought-best-friend and it was actually good. Hope it stays that way...

13.

Well well well.

I'm doing great. Maybe all these ups and downs in my mood are anoying lately, but believe me it bothers me too!

Today I spent 4 hours at the uni doing nothing, just waiting to see if there's going to be a lab or not. Well noooo, it was cancelled. Fuck.

Anyway, I went with my friends shopping and window shopping and bought my spring perfume (just cavalli- her). And then for coffee :)

So I had a cup of tea and a cheese pie, then an orange juice and beans I made myself (!) with cheese. A coffee and some dehydrated pineapples. A lot. But okay, I'll fix it tmrrw..

14.

So tired. Really really tired..

Went to uni and then to the gym for my tae bo class. And am I texting with D almost the whole day.. we didn't have chance to meet tonight, but it's not that I wanted so badly to meet him. Well okay I shall not waste any more time with my craziness...

LUNCH's second round was unfortunately today. You see, two of my friends are from this island so their parents keep sending them food and we all have to gather and eat. And we went for lunch in the middle of classes, so I couldn't just make an excuse..

So for today I had one cup of tea, some lamb (oh yes..) and spinach pie and then strawberries and bananas. And after gym I eat two pieces of dehydrated pineapple and three cheddar slices (the other way around I guess..)

Not happy with that.

15.

Hmm, quite a day and quite a night :)

It was tiring and basically I did almost nothing..

Sooo today I had one plain coffee, an orange juice and a low fat berry muffin and half a salad. Oh and some tea..

I'll get to the actual point that's bothering me now. Well he came by tonight, we saw a movie ("Boys are back"??) and then ..well you know. But. I guess he is going too fast. I am so shy, I know that.. he was okay about it though (at least he seemed ok)

well that's the point..that I am not into all this tonight, but don't even know why.. pffff!

I know I'm crazy, but can't I just be happy about sth??

16.

At first I would really like to thank all of you that read this blog, those who comment and those you don't because I am so happy to know that someone is actually reading these posts and understands me :):)

so thank you thank you !

today I went to my friend's house for lunch and actually had lunch. Like, real stuff just like the old times (really old I have to say..) So I tried, I forced myself not to let anyone notice me and my ED as I was eating. And as a result I had some spaggetti and some meat and then a chocolate muffin.. oh, this was so good, I haven't had anything like this like forever.

As a result, now I'm at my house feeling guilty for what I ate, but feeling happy cause this was one of the best times I had with my friends, we laughed so much!!

17.

We don't have much time, do we??
I know I shouldn't have eaten that late.
I feel so guilty. Plus, my stomach hurts.. oh

Today I had corn flakes with low fat milk, some boiled vegetables and some strawberries and now I ate a ceasars salad. I was so hungry and normally I would go to sleep but my cousin had a fight with her boyfriend so we had to go out and talk over and over .. I guess I am a really really good person after all haha :p

So I went for coffee this afternoon with this guy, I think he is quite interesting.. he plays basketball so now he is out of town for a match and he's coming back tmrrw night. Nothing really special but I guess I'm ok :D

18.

So I don't sleep much lately. I mean I sleep, just not the right hours.. The good thing is that it's no longer anxiety or any other reason I was dealing with sleepless nights in the past, but now I go out with friends and have fun :)

It was an interesting day today. Last night I met a guy that really liked, we met tonight (he came to see me at the bar where I was..) and indeed he is cute. He plays basketball -ooooh, yet another athelet right??- and he studies applied maths. I really want to tell you about him, cause I'm not very enthousiastic and don't want to talk over and over about it with my friends. I have been taught never to very happy about it because sooner or later sth gets fucked up. I know, I know, then you can never be happy. But what are we talking about?? I already know that.

And then my ex called. I didn't answer, I wasn't with my cell then. Pity hahaha..

what the fuck does he want now??

So today I had a low fat chicken sandwich and a tall mocha frapp light, and spaggetti with tomato sause. I also went yoga and had a beer.

That's all for now.. :D

19.

Hey :)
i love that photo, i looooooove balloonssss


Well nothing's quite new. I know I could do better. A lot.
I had some grilled chicken with french fries, a latte and some corn flakes, no milk. Oh and a powerade cause I went to the gym and really really needed one.

Time is ticking!! Behave and progress annamaria!!!!!!!!!
-clubbing tonight *

20.

This is a very quick post.

I spent all my day at uni.

I had two bowls of corn flakes and a low fat sandwich. Oh, and two coffees. It's quite a lot isn't it? But I was watched all day..I couldn't pretend I wasn't hungry, I couldn't say I had eaten before.

Tmrrw it's sort of beauty day with my friends :):)

hope it goes ok!

21.

My lucky number :)

not so lucky day..

Oh, I saw dimitris three times within 30 minutes lol!! Haven't seen him since xmas.. still cute :p

That is the good news though !

The bad news is that someone that I am trying to avoid (even created an imaginary boyfriend to tell him about) told me I'm fat!!!! Omg, this is the first time sb calls me fat in front of my face. My friends told me he was joking but they just don't know what THIS means to me, even if he is acting bad to hurt me. Omg omg omg omg omg omg...!! and he has only seen me once. OMG

Anyway, today I had a small cheese pie, a salad, hydrated pineapple and some low fat cherry yogurt. Lots of stuff, but went to the gym and worked my ass off!! Happy about that, I always have a nice time at gym :)

Try not to think anything that makes me sad. So fuck it.

I'm good and I'll sleep early tonight.

22.

Everything was fine :)
I woke up so happy, I got Alex telling me fairytales online last night to calm me down, and woke up in such a flirty mood! So I flirted with Yiannis from starbucks and then went to have my legs done (laser at last), went to uni and was in a good mood after all..


But of course she texted me, her mum is in town, we need to go to dinner..wtf?? So I canceled my gym class cause everyone told me I should go, I'm not that low as she is and have to prove it. So I went. And you know what??
I want her out of my life, if it is going to be like this..



Anyways..I had a skinny latte, some fish with tomato no oil added, and then the stupid dinner with her mum. Wine, some vegetables (with oil, duh!) three french fries, octopus and other stupid stupid things. Of course I tried not to eat so much, so I'm still hungry -luckily!!



Am I happy? I think I am.. I hope I am.

23.

Damn.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy.

And that's so true. I'm so sick of it. I don't want to be forced in such relationships. It's no good to try to be good after all.

Fuck it, that's all I shall say.

I had spaggetti with salmon and a latte and a scoop of lemon sorbet. BAM! I don't care, I can't do this anymore. I'm not a perfect person and nothing is amazing..

I reached the bulimic point because of all these.. I mean is it funny anymore?? No. It's not. I wanted so badly to eat after that, I ate.

End of discussion.

I wore my bracelet. Everything is better tmrrw. For sure.