So I have been wanting to cry all day, but instead I'm struggling not to (at least, because smiling is just out of the question).
Why can't I just cry?
Because today, tonight actually, I'm leaving for more holidays. So I must be happy right? I went to get my nails done, I went furniture shopping and now I'm packing my things.
Actually I really really don't want to leave tonight. I'm one kilo up, and feel like a balloon cause my period's coming tmrrw. Last week E came here at my hometown and apparently 5 days non-stop eating (cause she had to try EVERYTHING!) can easily gain me a whole kilo. Going back to remember how long it took me to loose it and I'll start crying like a baby.
I'm mad today at noone, no, no actually I'm furious.
...
So on August 17th I'm flying back at my island! It feels so good, it has to be. I have exams, of course, but it's not bothering me, not yet.
I love you
i really do, you know :)
Saturday, 31 July 2010
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Get your glasses on..
This year I tend to sleep a lot. And I don't feel better when I get up. I always feel tired but that's a result from me not taking my pills and sleeping every day at 5 in the morning.
Yesterday was a weird night for me. I went for drinks with my best friend and another guy (the one I was meeting at London) and then we came to my house for movies. I had fun and it was nice getting together with two very important people for me. You see about 5 years ago we were all very close, so close that one of them was in love with me and I was in love with the other. Yeap, these silly high school triangles that never have an actual end.
My best friend (okay lets put a name here: lets call him Gi) has always been my source for nice songs and the one responsible for what I listen to, so "Save Me" from Shinedown that I saw on Silly Girl's wall brought me more memories this morning.
Anyway it's been 5 years so I better occupy myself with more important stuff.
We are like in the middle of the summer and I have to start studying again.. this sucks a lot but there's nothing I can do. Plus I weighted myself this morning, I was 56.6 and this sucks too.
Other things, I try to smile in front of my paretns even though they get on my nerves, always trying to feed me and keep pushing me to be more outgoing. I don't want to make them sad but I really want them to leave me alone.
I feel very good and I don't want any more pressure, THANKS!
Yesterday was a weird night for me. I went for drinks with my best friend and another guy (the one I was meeting at London) and then we came to my house for movies. I had fun and it was nice getting together with two very important people for me. You see about 5 years ago we were all very close, so close that one of them was in love with me and I was in love with the other. Yeap, these silly high school triangles that never have an actual end.
My best friend (okay lets put a name here: lets call him Gi) has always been my source for nice songs and the one responsible for what I listen to, so "Save Me" from Shinedown that I saw on Silly Girl's wall brought me more memories this morning.
Anyway it's been 5 years so I better occupy myself with more important stuff.
We are like in the middle of the summer and I have to start studying again.. this sucks a lot but there's nothing I can do. Plus I weighted myself this morning, I was 56.6 and this sucks too.
Other things, I try to smile in front of my paretns even though they get on my nerves, always trying to feed me and keep pushing me to be more outgoing. I don't want to make them sad but I really want them to leave me alone.
I feel very good and I don't want any more pressure, THANKS!
Thursday, 15 July 2010
Woke up exhausted.. one thing is stuck in my mind:
try to smile, to look awesome and not eat.
Here at my hometown things are pretty and things are weird. You should now where I live has been the "it" place for quite a few years as I grew up, so I can get a lot of criticism, both good and bad, from people at my island (-> I study there).
As a result I feel some pressure here, to be more than perfect. To be as I used to be and of course better. Things are messy in my mind lately and this doesn't help. At all. Maybe that's just me but this is how I feel here..
On the other hand I miss this place, my friends and the places we used to go. I am happy that tonight I'll go with my guy best friend for drinks, mostly because I haven't got the chance to see him for 6 months or so. Skype and msn help, but it's never the same.
Anyway..
My mom had me to cook today. So I made spaggetti with tomato and aubergine sauce. It was fun and I had to eat some, too. I think it was delicious but maybe it was because I made it haha!
My scale showed 56.2 this morning so I'm still stuck there..
try to smile, to look awesome and not eat.
Here at my hometown things are pretty and things are weird. You should now where I live has been the "it" place for quite a few years as I grew up, so I can get a lot of criticism, both good and bad, from people at my island (-> I study there).
As a result I feel some pressure here, to be more than perfect. To be as I used to be and of course better. Things are messy in my mind lately and this doesn't help. At all. Maybe that's just me but this is how I feel here..
On the other hand I miss this place, my friends and the places we used to go. I am happy that tonight I'll go with my guy best friend for drinks, mostly because I haven't got the chance to see him for 6 months or so. Skype and msn help, but it's never the same.
Anyway..
My mom had me to cook today. So I made spaggetti with tomato and aubergine sauce. It was fun and I had to eat some, too. I think it was delicious but maybe it was because I made it haha!
My scale showed 56.2 this morning so I'm still stuck there..
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Pleaaase breathe :)
Logging in today and seeing the comments you left for me at my previous post made meso happy!
It felt like ages that I haven't written, when it's actually 10 days.. I came back from an island where we have a house (my extended family) and finally I got a little tanned. I went with 4 friends -girls- and we have two guys friends there too :)
It was for 5 days and it was fun, overall.
..but yesterday I went to sleep at 6 in the morning cause it was our last night there so we celebrated a little, and woke up with a really bad feeling. It was one of these days when you get up feeling miserable, scared and ugly. For no apparent reason.
Soon I got all good, but when I got off the boat to go to the car I felt so dizzy and my stomach was feeling weird. Half an hour in the car I had my eyes closed and took deep breaths, it felt like a panic attack.
Finally I'm home, after a long bath, some rice and some time with my family
feeling safe and calm..
I promise to post something better tmrrw, though.
Have a good night, hope you all feel great!
It felt like ages that I haven't written, when it's actually 10 days.. I came back from an island where we have a house (my extended family) and finally I got a little tanned. I went with 4 friends -girls- and we have two guys friends there too :)
It was for 5 days and it was fun, overall.
..but yesterday I went to sleep at 6 in the morning cause it was our last night there so we celebrated a little, and woke up with a really bad feeling. It was one of these days when you get up feeling miserable, scared and ugly. For no apparent reason.
Soon I got all good, but when I got off the boat to go to the car I felt so dizzy and my stomach was feeling weird. Half an hour in the car I had my eyes closed and took deep breaths, it felt like a panic attack.
Finally I'm home, after a long bath, some rice and some time with my family
feeling safe and calm..
I promise to post something better tmrrw, though.
Have a good night, hope you all feel great!
Monday, 5 July 2010
I might think about it, and you just might get it..
You guysss... I miss you so much all the time..
I try to remember everything I want to tell you when I have some time on my own (with my pc and some internet -some is enough :p)
Now I'm back at my hometown, and its like 2.20 in the morning.I am sitting on my bed with my mushroom nightlight, with Lady Gaga's Alejandro and Never, never by Brick and Lace :)
Tmrrw I'm living for my summerhouse until I don't know yet, to get some tan cause living on an island and be that white is kinda ridiculous.
*I really want to say that I am great. I had a wonderful time in London, obviously, and I'm already searching for a new excuse to go back. Although it was so hot, disturbingly hot I must say.. I also met with a guy I had so long to see, we were going for breakfast together it was so nice! Oh, I saw Emma Watson on the street, too (not very important info, but still..).
Going back (not to London..) I realise that I have done pretty much all the things I wanted till my 20th birthday. Looking at my online diary I used to keep I see that 6 out of my 7 goals for 2010 are already accomplished. And I am so happy about that. Of course.
Of course there is no need to say which goal needs further trying, is it? The one that was on my 2009..2008-and-so-on list.
-Yes, yes.. that goal. But I am so freaking willing to get there, too. To go down. To fall so so much -in this good way we all know.
In other news..
I haven't gained nor lost any.
I miss Di (do you wonder what's wrong with me? cause I do but whatever)
I booked my holidays on August with my two girl-friends for 6days (:D)
I try to keep my head busy in order not to
1. eat and
2.think of Di
..and you should know I keep getting better!!!
Lots of Love,
annaM.
I try to remember everything I want to tell you when I have some time on my own (with my pc and some internet -some is enough :p)
Now I'm back at my hometown, and its like 2.20 in the morning.I am sitting on my bed with my mushroom nightlight, with Lady Gaga's Alejandro and Never, never by Brick and Lace :)
Tmrrw I'm living for my summerhouse until I don't know yet, to get some tan cause living on an island and be that white is kinda ridiculous.
*I really want to say that I am great. I had a wonderful time in London, obviously, and I'm already searching for a new excuse to go back. Although it was so hot, disturbingly hot I must say.. I also met with a guy I had so long to see, we were going for breakfast together it was so nice! Oh, I saw Emma Watson on the street, too (not very important info, but still..).
Going back (not to London..) I realise that I have done pretty much all the things I wanted till my 20th birthday. Looking at my online diary I used to keep I see that 6 out of my 7 goals for 2010 are already accomplished. And I am so happy about that. Of course.
Of course there is no need to say which goal needs further trying, is it? The one that was on my 2009..2008-and-so-on list.
-Yes, yes.. that goal. But I am so freaking willing to get there, too. To go down. To fall so so much -in this good way we all know.
In other news..
I haven't gained nor lost any.
I miss Di (do you wonder what's wrong with me? cause I do but whatever)
I booked my holidays on August with my two girl-friends for 6days (:D)
I try to keep my head busy in order not to
1. eat and
2.think of Di
..and you should know I keep getting better!!!
Lots of Love,
annaM.
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