A month

I don't know why I am not committing to this. My own little space to write anything.

And everything.

It's after Christmas day. Or boxing day. Or a month since I started my job. One month in the adult world. Meetings, trainings, morning trains, late hours. I can get used to that. My mind thinks business already, sometimes I forget I'm not even past my probation period. I'm the new girl; yet I can't help but organise and optimise everything around me. Yeap, that's right. Why hide the control freak that I am at my new job?

All in all things are going pretty fine.
I just feel lonely.

So lonely.

[that's Maja; my style icon]

Nov 19th

This has been the most intense week so far. I was so emotionally unstable, I was exhausting myself without doing anything. Drama, periods, job hunt. Faint. Sad eyes. Bitchiness.

But today, this evening I got THE CALL. From my recruiter, while I was afraid and sure there would be only bad news...I got the job. I really did. I got my first (real) job!!

I was so happy. For a while. And then again sad eyes. I mean I almost cried at yoga class. Something is definitely wrong with me; but as always I post my life milestones in here.

So, guys, next Thursday I am starting my career :D
(big smile, just for you)

A new era

November 1st. 

Here I am, first night at the new house. Will I call it a home anytime soon? This is the best house I could ever ask for. Newly refurbished, high ceilings, big windows, the friendliest flat mate.

This first day passed with me sleeping in a weird schedule, moving stuff from flat to flat with an Uber, having way too much chocolate, getting a fancy kettle and then saying fuck it and getting my eyebrows done at Debenhams. I also did a Sex & the City marathon along the move.

Day four in the new house and I’m sick. Maybe feverish but who knows. Good thing I can sleep for how long I want to. Perks of being unemployed.

It’s Friday, so day five. Another trip to IKEA, alone this time. Needed boxes and organisers, and more boxes. So many things to do in a day, luckily 75 minutes of yoga brought me back to life, calm and energised. Night wine with the flat mate and his freshly broken up Italian friend.

Saturday was the bonfire night. There is nothing else to talk about in London. All these days, sparse fireworks here and there, preparing for Saturday. And Alexandra Palace was magical. With a boy hugging me, watching the fireworks and the view of London. So sick, so tired but deep down, feeling more than okay. Things are bright (again).

*thank you all for your lovely comments*

Unemployed Life

Okay, so it's the second week of job hunting and oh, boy is it exhausting. For some reason, I truly believed it wouldn't be so hard. It's not that I'm being cocky, it's just that I worry too much. I am inside my head thinking I have no job, no friends, no boyfriend. And it's true, more or less, I currently don't have any of them. But I will be fine; I think.

I panic easily. I had a good cry on Monday when everything felt like falling apart. On Wednesday I decided to put my life together. Thursday morning found me at a HOT Pilates class trying to focus on myself. I feel yoga or pilates always helps me stop thinking while focusing on myself and my progress. If that makes sense. 

It's an expensive hobby but luckily all studios have introductory offers. I have four more hot yoga/pilates classes to go there. After that, there's a 40 pounds for 20 consecutive days of yoga in another salon. I'll do that. 

Keeping the balance on the mat, 

helps me keep a balance on my life.

The adult life

I had the most amazing holiday. The one where you clear your mind off of everything. The one where you eat amazing food, home cooked food, coffee and desserts under the sunshine, wine after-hours. The one where you connect with your family and you appreciate all the time you get to have with them. The one when you visit your best friends and party together, speak about clothes and life changes, and organise a christmas trip with them.

The one where two days later, you feel like shit. Something is missing and you are not sure what. I had my first (second) interview. That means a face to face one. I didn't like it, and haven't heard back. I had a talk with a recruiter. I have to convince people that all my life choices up to this moment where made to get *this* specific job.

That's not easy, even for me; a diplomatic liar.

*current mood*

Go change.

Tonight I'm coming at you from my summer house. Yeah, I'm back home for a few days of relaxation, parent love, mom food and drinks with friends. Not so bad.
In fact, not bad at all.

I had a telephone interview as well. It's a very interesting position, so wish me luck! Life is good when you take some time off to charge your batteries.

such a weird feeling

And suddenly, I don't know what to do with myself. For almost all of the 25 years of my life I've been a student. I had planned my next step before finishing the previous one.

I am not enthusiastic, in general. Multitasking, however, keeps me motivated. Keeps me inspired. Working hard is the only way I know of living. And man, I've worked hard to finish my studies. But it's here. It's over. And now I'm a graduate/unemployed -depending on how pessimist people can be.

I will take some days off to relax; clear my mind and charge my batteries before the second winter in London. It should be an exciting one.

For now, I feel like I've been invited to a grown-up party but I'm not allowed to drink. It's like a can almost blend in, but not yet.

Inspiration

There are times, many times, that I miss my old self. The one who managed to stay focused, to have discipline, to wake up on an empty stomach and feel bliss. Sure I was ill and too much inside my head; at the same time feeling powerful and in control is one of the best feelings. Maybe some of you understand this.

These times I try to find ways to inspire myself, without trigger any kind of 'fall back'. I make some ice tea (vanilla rooibos, for those who wonder) and scroll through my Tumblr.

Stylish girls, clean lines and neutral colours.
My mind relaxes and I feel like some part of this self is still inside me.

Summer in black

Did I tell you I turned 25?
It was back in June, a Sunday like today. I used to post all my resolutions on the day of my birthday here. I think this is the second year I didn't. Mainly because I don't have any?

There are things that need to be done. These are my resolutions, but I don't know if these are my goals... I struggle to find inspiration, I struggle to find motivation. But this place has always been my safe place. A place so public but at the same time secret/sacred. I've shared too many things with you. I've read your thoughtful comments, I've read your posts. I've made so many drafts with my negative thoughts, until I found the strength to make a positive one and post about it.

This summer is so different from what I was used to. Stuck in London with a dissertation to write, with no true friends and feeling distant from my old friends back on the island. Battling with anxiety, with image issues, with the realisation that I'll soon have to face the 'real world'.

But I promised this post contains some positive thoughts, so here are three beautiful things that happened during summer, so I don't forget and dive into my negativity.

1. My birthday was better than expected. I had fun swing dancing with some people I met at a pub, then on the day I went to a terrace drum n bass party with my sister and some friends. I was very excited, although missing my old friends.

2. I went for four days to Ibiza. It was my first time there, and it was amazing. Battling with bikini fear, I had some moments but all in all it was a great experience and a much needed break from London.

3. I am now wearing contact lenses. I don't know how could I've been so stupid and choose to be 'blind' all these years. I mean I hate glasses, so with my -1.00 I never bothered to do something about it. It is not easy at first, but I feel much more present now. Maybe that sounds stupid, but I really feel more present in my everyday life. Plus I get to experiment with different colours -because why not.

Magic

Well, long time (really long time) no see.

I have been m.i.a for such a long time I forgot how to make a proper post. So I'll just right my thoughts down and update you, and hope someone is still reading this and maybe remembers me. I am still doing my master's degree, which I hate. Still in London, which I love and wouldn't change it for the world. And I'm still in need of vacation.

The master is not going well, to be honest. I find it difficult and in some aspects, boring. But my dissertation would be awesome, so I am really excited for this! If I try to look on the bright side, I always do very well at working with people, and least well on exams. But work is all that matters in the end. As long as I get my degree, I can forget every tear that I cried this year (melodramatic I know, but I struggle). Mid of May I start my project and that's all I am looking forward to.

Also, I am changing my eating habits a bit. I am trying to stay healthy with limiting the binging incidents (hello, Dominos).
So for two weeks now, I try to keep a vegetarian/vegan lifestyle in the house, and then have anything I feel like when I'm out to dinner- which doesn't happen that often. I am NOT going vegan or vegetarian due to health issues, and honestly because I don't feel like limiting my options. But staying healthy in the house (where the binging happens) is really important. Thinking about it when I grocery shop, or when lunch time has come, keeps me from a lot of 'trouble'.

So, morning smoothies and coffee, big salads and nuts, almond butter with dates (this is heaven) and lots of fresh fruit. Sweet potato 'fries' and lemon water. Lots of lemon water. And I feel healthy.

Let's see if beauty truly comes from within
(hint: it really does).

# 2015

Okay, first post of 2015. Looking back, I've written several 'first year posts' in this blog. Not going to turn back and read these, I've spent too much time focused on the past. And where did this get me? Nowhere in particular, really.

This year my life as I was dreaming of it started. London happened. When I go back to my island, back to my friends who I miss so much and make me feel like home I feel so happy. But simultaneously, I have to try and make London my home too. It's hard. I can make the best of both worlds, though. Three if you count my hometown (don't count my hometown).
People can do anything in London. You can be anyone. Wear anything. I like that. I can commit to myself this year. Two things. First, finish with the master's degree and find a job. Second, work on your body. Two very difficult and specific goals.

Stay focused and try for all the smaller goals, too. Stay organised, drink more water, be optimistic, smile often, socialise, go on a big trip. LIVE. I forget to do that sometimes. I get caught up inside my head so much.

happy new year, everyone