To sum up.

So I get the feeling I have become kinda monotonous. Sorry about that.. it's really really not intended. But I am really at this point in my life where I have to move forward. But not just yet. You see, last semester (second year of my university life) I went through some kind of depression, who a lot of you witnessed, due to a health issue I had. Okay.. and a mental one, as I was stupid enough not to take my pills for one whole year. So these past five months I had been doing NOTHING. I didn't want to go out, meet people, go to my classes or shopping. It was a really unhappy and miserable time I admit.

SO after Christmas holidays I promised myself and promised you that all this crap is over. Oh, but wait..wait, exams! So yet another month of misery right? Guess what, on Friday exams are over and I putting my life in order.

Of course I have set many goals for this year.. I enjoy being busy.

So count with me. University classes, previous classes I failed (sorry, mom), driving license (just 6 more lessons to go!), lifeguarding license (it was about time), yoga class twice a week (I missed them all) and of course gym. Okay, I may not have become a personal trainer, as I was dreaming, but I will stay as close as I can.

Oh, and New York holidays! :)

This tight-ass schedule has two purposes. First keeping me distracted from eating so I can finally manage the 54 by march. Second preventing myself from thinking. I cannot handle it anymore. I have to fill my days with activities so I don't go crazy.

How pathetic is that?

Intake: 672

Scale number: 58.1

Days to go: 74days, 05hours,15mins, 12sec

p.s thank you, Isabelle, for your lovely comment. I wish I could follow you back but I really don't know anything about BlogLovin(?) so I can't keep up with you :(

black and simple .

perfection

Stars die too, you know

Shall I post or go back to study stupid chemistry? Fuck it, I will post.

Ugh, I don't believe I actually were to study this thing.. anyway I have a terrible headache today plus I couldn't get out of bed to do my work out. I'll fix that before bed time :)

So the last two days were good I guess, intake-wise.

Friday: 801 - Saturday: 955 - Sunday: 1017

well okay, as long as I stay under 1000..(?)

I have already told you about my new obsession, right? black tops. Only black tops. They make me feel so much better.. I like the way my hair falls on black, I like how pale my face looks, I like how my necklace stands out. Oh, and I want to get a cross necklace (like the second one of the photos?). It looks so mysterious.. I never was a fan of multicolour apparel anyway.

I know I'm just rambling. On Friday exams end, I'm so looking forward to it. I mean gym, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Oh, I'm swearing too much today, it's not quite polite.

Black * black is pure, nothing can mess with black.

Except white, which always screws things over..

Coconut dreams

Weight day, weight day!

so this morning my scale showed 58.3 (128.2 pounds?)

well the past ten days I have been from 57.4 to 58.5 and it's getting really annoying you know! Anyway as I have said before (hello, new followers*) I will be posting every Monday& Friday my weight and the days left until my trip to New York.

The goal is to reach 54 by March. That is almost a month before New York so I can get it down as much as I can and tone up.

Now that I said tone up, determinedGirl asked about the youtube video I'm practising on every morning. It's right on the link below, and these girls have an amazing channel on youtube! It gives me so much courage to see that the perfect abs exist and it's Karena's!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6ZTzUEtPTI&feature=related

Oh and I went to update my gym membership and guess what! A new spinning class!! I haven't tried it, but back at my hometown's gym (rather posh, and I was too young to do spinning back then) it was a huge deal to attend. It really works out your booty, so I am DEFINITELY going to try it when exams end. If someone has try it please opinions below- they would be much appreciated :)

..days until NY

77days, 06hours, 00mins, 7sec

"Coffee and Smokes, and Cold Diet Cokes..

..that's what pretty girls are made of."

To be honest, I don't know if I agree with that totally twisted little re-made poem from Powerpuff Girls (as in "sugar and spice and everything nice"?). I mean that's the way to skinny down, but what about your skin health? Your hair? Your breath?

Anyway.. I have found a video on youtube with great abs workout, there are a lot actually but it took me a couple of months to find what I like best, and decided I would start my day with that. I mean every day. I still have to wait half an hour in the morning for the water to heat so I can have a decent bath so why lying in bed waiting when I can wear my tights and do some exercise? I know I won't matter.. I will tell you how that goes!

Tomorrow is weight day 1 so please please be nice to me I PROMISE the number will dramatically decrease in a few weeks. I was talking to a friend telling him about the lifeguard thing and he told me "oh, please come to our beach because last year we had a kinda fat lifeguard girl, it was silly". And told him that he is such a loser, because now I would have to diet until July so I wouldn't be laughed at too. So he told me I was insane and he was saying exactly the opposite, and made me promise I won't loose any weight..

Yeah, right. You'll see, my friend.

Today's intake: 1064

wow I cannot keep it down! what is the matter with me?

I know, I eat TOO FREAKING MUCH.

So I have to go finish my studying for tmrrw. I really suck at ecology. I do.

Have a wonderful night you all*

Nobody breaks my heart

You know how every title in my posts has nothing to do with the rest of it. I always put something random fact for that certain day that means something to me but not that important so I should make reference to.

Today's intake: 1123

double yesterday's calories and I'm there. I can't handle it though and on Friday is weight day 1. Shit. I will do much better tomorrow. Promise.

SO another skinny fact (after collarbones): no boobs.

well I have to admit maybe I can live with that. That's what push-up bras are for. I noticed mine have got a little bit smaller. I just wish they were the last thing to get smaller -and not the first.

Anyway I love bandeau bikinis, so I would look good on them by summer.

Some other random thing. Someone has moved in downstairs. We are all girls here and I'm really surprised by a man's voice. The building is too old to be sound proof so I overheard a phone call he made at the stairs. It kinda freaked me out.

He was talking to his mom, apparently, asking her money about food and cigarettes and kept yelling at her that he is all wasted but clean from drinking and he just needs money. Yes, you can see what I am thinking right? I really hope he is a guest here, some girl's wasted boyfriend.

I know I can get really suspicious in general. We'll see..

Oh and one of my friends broke up with her boyfriend because she wasn't in love. When she told me "I just want to fall in love and he wasn't the one" in such a calm and definite way I almost felt bad for her. I seem to have a twisted opinion about love. That it doesn't exist and if it does and it's the awesome feeling everyone's talking about, soon it will break so hard before your eyes and leave you forever in misery.

Yes, I wish someone could change my mind. But oh well, I can always be the little girl who is afraid of relationships and feelings and just pretend I am not.

Black coffee and green tea till bed time -and that's a lot of hours.

Think thin

Water & lime

I finally went out for a coffee this afternoon. Ugh, I had been indoors for so long I didn't want to go back home even though I was freezing. Don't get me wrong we have like 10 Celsius degrees here, but I didn't take my coat. Anyway, it was fun!

Today's intake: 681.

I'm so ready for this. I have your support, I have my countdown clock and I have my cigs. Okay so victoria asked about the smoking thing.. to be honest, the pack is half empty. BUT not because I have smoked like ten cigarettes. I usually have one on my lips the whole afternoon and if I feel really tempted to eat something I light it for a while. Then everything smells really bad and I don't want to eat anymore. But I might need a new pack because they get really sticky on my lips and I have to throw them away. So I cannot have one for two days, if you know what I mean.

Hope that explains your question :)

So that is all.. I am definitely going to wake up to a flat stomach tomorrow and I'm already excited!

Think: chest-bones

okay, I wasn't going to make another post today. yet here I am. with a list of things to tell you..

First, I put a countdown clock on my desktop today, which is counting down to April 16th, the New York holidays day. And right now I have 81days 1hour 57mins and 50sec left.

That's a lot of time and 4 kilos to loose (at least). So every MONDAY and FRIDAY I will post here the time left and the number of the scale. So stay tuned :)

Second, what's with the pro-ana, pro-mia gathering sites? I don't want my blog to be characterised as pro-ana, well because it's not. And I don't want anyone to promote my blog either. I have never been an attention-whore.

Third, I really have to update my subscription at the gym! I miss it so much, I miss my yoga teacher, my pink adidas, that certain elliptical machine only I use because it makes a slight noise and of course I miss the burned calories!! I promise I'll go and fix that asap.

*and of course at 55 I promised some photos, I don't forget that.

p.s anyone tried that ipod/iphone case for the gym? that thing you put at your arm. I want to take my iphone with me on the elliptical because I use it for music too, and I really don't know how...

Pure morning

The perfect way to wake up to..

an amazing black and white thinspo, and some strawberries *

Issues*

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend! Mine was kinda blah, studying mostly. And eating little more than I was supposed to. This is what happens when you decide to eat with company right?

So we have always talked about real girl thinspo. Well, I have found mine. Let's call her mary. She is this girl I met last year just for a day and she had been talking to me ever since. I didn't even remember her name but she always said hello to me with a big smile. Weird, I thought, as I didn't even remember her name.

Last week I got to know why.. We sat on the same table studying and she admitted the only thing she remembered about me (when she asked my name) was my ex. I thought I didn't hear her well. How the hell did she know with who I was last year? He is from a different university and we didn't last long anyways.. But she told me that she was couple with Di's best friend the same time I was with Di. She is not anymore. Of course neither am I.

Wow that means she knows how crazy I was.. oh I felt so shocked and embarrassed. Of course I spent my studying day thinking that she is so pretty and skinny and perfect that there was not even a single thing to compete her at the "boy's talk" (of course there is such thing!).

She kept telling me how great and nice Di is and I kept thinking they would make a nice couple, and wondering if he liked her better than me (even though I don't get jealous when it comes to relationships, I get jealous when it comes to skinny). I know I am such a crazy person. And I bet she knows how we broke up. In case you want to know too, I broke up with him but thought he broke up with me. It took me three days to realise that. I know I am THAT retarded. He has been single ever since and I have been blaming myself for acting so freaking childish. ENd.

So she is my thinspiration. She is an athlete too, skinny and effortlessly beautiful.. And what am I?

JUST JEALOUS ..and from now on, more & more suspicious for unknown girls :p

oh, and determined NEVER to eat again. Damn.

why oh, why did she have to remind me

of him during exam period?

terrible things happen.

I knew that good mood wouldn't last long. I mean, it's exams period, how could it? I don't want to talk about it, but I really did awful, oh how lame I am studying all these shit and ignoring the important ones. You go, AnnaM.

I curled up in bed after my exam (noon) and woke up feeling hangover-ed at about 5. Yes, that's a lot of sleep for someone who takes two Valerian pills to go to bed at night. I guess I needed it. I had two bananas and 5 crackers all day, I am so hungry right now but it's been long past my eating time. I didn't deserve any lunch or dinner today. Really.

So I didn't eat and lied my ass off to my sister, mom, dad, E and N -omg why do they all have to ask every single day what exactly I'm eating? They make it so hard to remember what to say..

I will try not to take it seriously cause it will bring me down. A year ago I wouldn't matter a lot, but know every single thing fills me up with bad feelings. So keep it good and pleasant please.

Anyway, I probably have to take a bath to calm me down and make myself sleep again. I'm a little afraid though cause I feel so dizzy.. anyway sweet dreams everyone, I promise tmrrw a happy post!

now tell me.

is she perfect or WHAT?

Because collarbones won't be enough

Goodmorning ladies :)

I woke up so ready to study. But first I had to stop at my blog to read your lovely comments, then read your overnight posts and then I had to (I'm so lame) make a stop to the website I'm taking all the great pictures from. It's already 10 in the morning oups!

So looking at some new-old photos there I realised something. My collarbones show just a little and soon they'll show a little more. Well if you have noticed -I have- collarbones don't only show to skinny people. If you have that kind of structure, you can have a BMI of 23 let's say, and they would still show. Notice that on people next time you're out.

So I realised that showing collarbones isn't enough. No. I want chestbones. Please don't think I'm crazy, I want my chestbones to show just a little, like when I'm moving my arms, like they do on skinny girls. And that -believe me- it's a thing only skinny girls have. Ha, that's it!

So some morning thispo to look up to:

(have a wonderful day!)

Do you wanna go dancing?

I still feel great. That's weird..

I don't know if the good mood is here to stay but it is sure welcome!

I went to the post office today and then for some shopping with E. I bought this bra I saw at Rome's Intimissimi for half price so I am very happy for that. You know when you like something and you decide that you can't have it (we were in a hurry) but then not only you find the last one to fit you but it's also for 10 euros! Haha I know it's kinda stupid to get that excited over a bra, but oh well..

Today my scale showed 57.7 which is bad enough, although it's decreasing every day. Actually according to my iphone app, I have lost about 1.3 kilos since 08.01.2011 so if I keep it that way I'll be 54 soon enough to start my lifeguard's diploma and look decent in a swimsuit.

In other news, I am studying MicroB. for my exam on Friday and I plan to finish the book this evening so tomorrow I can revise. That's a lot of pressure, so I posted now because I won't be able at night.

Oh and one last thing: strawberries ROCk!

I love them so much, the taste, the colour, the low calories.. I think I maybe love them more than coffee -oups!

super thinspo for tonight,

although a blonde one :p

"The only thing I remember for you.."

For the first time today I was actually in a really good mood :)

I woke up this morning to a letter from the girl I am sponsoring at Rwanda and she had also drawn a little picture with a purple crayon (I knew I would get the stylish one!). It was so cute, the picture had a house, a tree, a sheep and some kids playing some kind of football. It really made my day.

The other thing I liked today is that my mood for boys and relationships is coming back -really slowly but quite enough. For months now I refused to talk about guys or look around and really felt I don't deserve any guy to like me. I promised myself 2011 would be normal enough, so I think my mood is getting better.

I had 950 calories today, most of them from orange juice, double cappuccino and fish. I ate a banana for dinner so I could stop shaking because that girl in the library was looking at me weirdly.

I feel my stomach even when I eat, which means it's not getting enough food, which means I'm doing well. Next week I'll be back on yoga and the elliptical, I seriously cannot wait.

Oh someone asked how far I am from NY. Well I live in Europe, so it's little less than 10 hours. The thing is that this time I will have to eat on the plane. I mean 10 hours is a lot of time.. I never eat the food they offer, I always say no to the tray even if it's a 4 hour flight. I think it's not healthy so I always carry with me a fruit and some diet coke (if I can buy one at my gate) and only ask for a cup of ice. Yes, I get lots of weird looks, but I refuse to eat a 2000 calories meal only because I have nothing else to do.

One down..

Okay I don't know how to start this post..

Oh what the hell I AM GOING TO NEW YORK!! oh, yes, I booked my ticket today and I am so freaking excited!! I mean I have been planning this trip for so long and finally booked my ticket for April 16th.

In other news (that wouldn't matter but oh, well) my test today was fine, I did good but not excellent. My next one is on Friday so I really have to focus. Because of my anxiety today for the test I forgot to weight myself, which was really weird when I realised it, cause I ALWAYS weight myself in the morning. The smoking thing is working. So to calm you down, when I feel really hungry I light one up, smell it and feel disgusted right away, so I put it off and spend the rest of the day with that on my lips, so I can smell it and lose my appetite. Two days now it's working pretty well, so I believe I will keep up on doing it.

The thing now is that OBVIOUSLY I want to look my best in New York. So if I accomplished that resolution so early, I might as well reach the fucking 54 kilos. It wasn't Rome, it's got to be New York right? I mean what the heck?

So yesterday my intake was 880 cals and today a little over 700. I think I am doing really good, although I have to be careful cause today I had a really bad headache again. And we really don't want to end back there... having headaches and taking more pills.

I am really excited and I'm probably rambling right now.. so have a nice day *

:D

and yes, New York at spring means

Victoria's Secret swimwear! what do you think of this one?

Well, goodmorning

thank you for being concerned about me starting smoking. And yes I know that it is a really bad habit. Somewhere in this blog there is a post with be talking over and over again about how stupid smoking is.

I still think that. I am a biologist, I support healthy eating, working out, the whole organic living. And to be honest, I have only tried a cigarette once in my house bathroom at 14, just to see what the fuss was all about. And I didn't like it. I didn't like my breath and the smell of my clothes.

But the thing is that I have no more time. So I decided to take a pack of 20 cigarettes. And that's it. I chose the new Virginia Slims (mostly because of the word slim and the fuchsia package) and that pack is going to last until the end of my exams. Because I don't want them to take my stress away, I just want them to distract me from eating while studying. I might as well never light one of them.

And please note that smoking is not an addiction like drugs. It's all in the mind. Like ana. So I already have "this" I don't need any more of false needs.

So thank you for expressing your concerns, it means a lot to me :)

Well I want opinions on this photo,

which I found at Elle's Magazine website

sure she's got it right?

I love grey colour, it's very winter-ish and she has layered it up so nice!

so I told you I would do anything it takes, and during exams I decided to start smoking. Just to keep my hands occupied, I can't eat no no no.. if someone of you smokes, could you please tell me which are the most light cigarettes that can do the job?

p.s look at her cheekbones, oh my!

Fish, please

So yesterday was my first day at uni after christmas. Of course classes have started since Monday, but I wasn't feeling like going. I had a little fever too. Anyway you know how it is after holidays.. lots of new hair, some new styles, bigger smiles etc. No one has lost a lot of weight (you know I get anxious and jealous) but I mean it was two weeks and it was Christmas! Food everywhere, I get that.

My first day (if it wasn't for an 8hour lab I wouldn't go) took lots of courage, since it was my unexpected first day of period -yes at an 8hour lab, I'm THAT lucky.

But, I made it.

So thank you for all the support about my decision to become a lifeguard. I am more than ready to loose weight and can't wait any longer. I know I will never be model thin cause of my wide-skeleton (swimming remember?) but at 54 my BMI would go down to 19.8.

N's dad saw me over Christmas (he hasn't seen me for two years) and he told her (N) that he is really concerned that I am half the girl I was back then, and he insisted on N telling me to eat more. So she called me and when she told me I had the widest smile! Luckily she couldn't see me over the phone but it made me So happy! It really made my day

..that's not a healthy thing but you understand, I'm sure :)

Add a resolution, please

So I have some news and I want your opinion to it. You know how strongly I started on my resolutions, so I made -finally- the decision to do it. In a couple of months I'm going to take the lifeguard's diploma!!

Yeah I have always been into swimming, I was swimming for 12 years in competitions and really loved it. Got some medals too, so my dream was to come to this island and study Biology and at summer I would work as a lifeguard. I forgot about it for a couple of years now, but recently saw an ad so WHY NOT?

Of course I freaked out about running around in a bikini, but what's better thinspo than this? So after my exams I'll go ask for information and on March (when I'm hoping to be 54) I'll start :D

I'm so excited really. Of course I have taken action already. I'm eating less than 1000calories a day with an app I have downloaded in my iphone. And for lunch I chose to have boiled mushrooms with low fat cheese OR oven baked fish with tomato.

Both dishes make me so full, you should totally try it *

tried to find a gorgeous related thinspo,

how about that?

Black is back or never left?

I know I should be studying atm but..

IT'S MY BLOG'S BIRTHDAYYYYY*

Oh I don't even remember what I was thinking when I decided to create this blog. But it really made me happier, all you are GORGEOUS people and I really feel I belong here. You have supported me on my downs and partied with me on my ups, and with some of you I got really connected. I wish you could give me the chance to get to know you all!

So in today's news, well, there aren't many as I'm studying Molecular Biology for my upcoming exams. I need to study harder. But you know how your mind travels when you have to study, right? So I was thinking about the past few months, when I touched the bottom of my health, my confidence, my sociality. I hated myself, I mean HATED. Crying, staying at home, not shopping (weird for me, really), not studying, nothing!

My parents forced me to buy a dress for Christmas when we went to the lux Mall but I started crying and stopped talking to them. I knew that was a low. They knew there was something going wrong. But I couldn't speak to them, who could understand?

I forced myself to go out with some friends over holidays, had a few drinks, I went with the girls to a nail bar for full pampering, we had the family trip to Rome, I started feeling better.. Now I think I can feel okay for myself. Love myself? Huh, not yet.

But I so don't want to pass another day feeling like I did.

Anyway, I decided that black tops look good on me. I love how pale my skin looks with a black top and a black cardigan. In a week it's sales season here. Of course there are limited options on my island but I decided I should invest on a stylish leather jacket. What do you think?

*I decided to put celebrity thinspo for my anniversary post, just cause she (they?) used to be number one style-icons for me back then*

come on, you gotta love her,

I'm trying so hard to get away from the cold.

Today my intake was 909 calories. I calculate them daily, so I can stay under 1000. Everyone gets so skinny, except me. My cousin could model, seriously, and most of my friends are skinny too. I have to be next.

Today wasn't much of a struggle though. I couldn't eat more. I think that it's "the time". For three years now, February-March-April have been the skinny months for me. My appetite is completely lost but I have much energy. And that's a super good thing! It's a little early for it though. I think it's the cold. I love the fact that I can move around the house with a cup of hot tea and eat barely nothing.

Tomorrow is my blog's birthday so I'm happy :D

Going to sleep, I hope everyone's day was great!

At least fake it

First day after Christmas holidays. I hate these days, when you automatically have to stop partying, drinking, shopping, even eating. Not that I partied much but you get what I mean. Things on today's To Do List:

start studying

go to the supermarket

You know how happy I used to be when it was supermarket time. A few months ago it stopped being a pleasant thing and believe me I'm trying so fucking hard to make it okay again. Got dressed, spent 15 minutes on putting my new Rome glasses on and off and decided not to wear them, got my iphone with my shopping list, my keys and got out of the house. I took a deep breath and thought it would be allright.

But my hands were shaking so much! They haven't stopped ever since. But it was okay :)

Today I had black coffee, about three cups and a raspberry Special K bar. One piece of my mum's home-made spinach no-cheese pie and half an avocado. But my hands are still shaking.

Oh well.

Wow I forgot to tell you. I saw the Black Swan. Twice, of course. I loved it. I was never into ballet, I have tried every other sports as a child but I refused to start ballet. But this movie took my breath away. The fact that I love the fairytale combined with the perfect bodies of Natalie and Mila just made it so amazing. Don't get me wrong but I prefer Mila. Even before the movie.

Of course Natalie's last words were all that mattered: I was perfect.

I didn't need anything else. Really.

Anyway, writing this post I sneezed about 10-12 times.

I think a cold is coming my way. Shit.

Happy New Year to all *

it's been so freaking long, I know, but I had to make everything okay before I posted again. I'm back at my little island, at my pretty little house with my fishy ready to make the 2011 start.

I had so much fun in Rome (actually now it comes second after London!), ate a lot and had sushi for New Year's with my family. Believe me that is as alternative as my family can go :p

My parents are really not into a lot of things so a japanese restaurant for THAT night was really fun.

So at my hometown I saw a few of my friends, each and everyone of them had lost some weight. But not me. No one noticed I gained two kilos since they last saw me (thank you, yoga!) but I was really mad at myself for letting that happen. I spent my first week crying, feeling really bad when eating and made my parents really worried. After Rome I calmed down, and being okay since then.

I thought about my resolutions, and decided to keep it simple:

*first of all, I want to come to a point when I can feel nice about myself and enjoy life

*reach the ultimate 54 kilos so I can look awesome and feel confident but healthy

* study a lot because my university has been left behind and that's bad

and I thought I should put an extra one, a weird one like the one I had last year so after a lot of thought...

*make the trip to New York, already!

What is your biggest resolution ?