Reckless Love

I am so sorry I vanished liked that. I am home for a few days, to see my family, some close friends and go to a concert. I went a couple of times for swimming with my mom, I drank cocktails, I danced and took some photos (always a pleasure..not) and finally, I saw my best guy friend. The love I have for this person is unbelievable. I've missed him so much.

Tomorrow I'm flying back. Back to my island, back to my friends there and my laboratory work. Just for a few days though, cause Friday I'm flying to Milan! Just remembering a few months back, when I was so sure I wasn't going to have abroad vacation this year, and now I'm thinking about Milan suitcase packing!!
We're staying to Milan and Florence (I've visited Florence last year but it's such an amazing place) and we may be going to Venice too!! Oh, I really wish we have an awesome time! I am in such a need for these holidays...
In preparation for Milan, I'm doing an all-meat diet. I'm eating exclusively clean meat and salad and diet iced tea. I've heard it does wonders to your silhouette so I'm trying that for a week. Stay tuned.

This week I will be posting more often, mainly because I love keeping you updated, it is just that I don't have an internet connection in my summer house.

fave pic of her- you can see I'm not fan of her face but look at that body (and that zimmermann bikini!)

And that's enough

This is turning to some weird type of diary...
a fucked up notebook under a fucked up girl's bed. Yes, that would be me. 


So here is what 22 has been so far. Some of these don't even make sense, it's note keeping, just because lately I need to shut the fuck up. I have been a little tiring, I came to realise..


drinking wine with my three boy friends; stop looking at me with these blue eyes; wine, more vodka; the bar's closing, head home; talking and smoking; more talking, secret's out; sleeping together; biology studying; are you okay?; liquor and party shopping; you gotta eat; party time; white lace; smiles, balloons, Paris and drink spill over; birthday cake; drunk times; more talking; moody S; bra talk; kitchen floor; dawn; blue october; moody me; doing the dishes; upset greg; drama queen; sleep at last.


thanks everyone for the birthday wishes! it was a very happy day, I kept smiling all of the 22 hours of Thursday, 21/6. Yes, I managed to sleep for 1+1 hour during my birthday -lucky me! I bet, even then, I was smiling. I can't (and won't) let anyone ruin that. Period. Literally. 

*publish*

In case anyone is wondering where am I, I feel I should explain. Since Friday things got ugly. I was so moody, I couldn't leave the house, I couldn't stay inside these walls, I was going insane. I was forcing myself to feel better, to look at my tattoo and remind myself of all the good things and I just couldn't.

My period was nowhere near, and that made things even worse. I fought with E, the boy didn't want to speak to me and everything just collapsed out of nowhere. On Sunday I had an allergic reaction to a slice of pizza, and that's when I gave up. I couldn't handle all these thoughts inside my head, I couldn't possibly study for my exams and all I wanted was a glass of wine, some sleep and my period.

.........................................................

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm turning 22. I've given it so much thought and decided to have a small party here at my place. I don't want to invite the boy (not that he would want to come, oh the irony of how things can change in a day..) and maybe I shouldn't invite O. I just want a happy and calm birthday, to spend the night with friends who care about me. The boys have been so nice these past days, even though I couldn't explain what made me so upset, they cared so much to cheer me up. :)

The coffee guy this morning kept talking to me in English, thinking I was a tourist, and the guy at the line behind me offered to give me change, when the cashier was out. Unbelievable, what a floral dress can do to how people view women..anyway, I got my period and I can finally get out of the Victoria's Secret Pink sports bra and wear normal lace bras again. What a joy.

I'm rambling, sorry.

You are all invited to come, those of you who actually still read this blog anyway.

xxx

Story of my life

Let yourself go,
try to enjoy the moment,
loosen up

and the minute you think you're happy,
watch the world bang your head on the wall.

Ouch.

uh, I wish I was a fish..

kill me, kill me now

You did WHAT!?

I skipped today's exam. I couldn't handle it, it was no way I could possibly pass it. Plus the fact that on Wednesday I had some fever pointed me out to take it down a bit. I'm totally better now.

The doctor appointment went pretty well. She seemed lovely and I'm overall pleased with her- except she is a bit overpriced. I hope my results come out okay.. I spent all my morning waiting at the lobby though.
I talked with S later that day and he chose facebook chat to tell me some things. Awkward way, silly way but during exams is a good way of keeping up with these things. So he told me that he doesn't see me as a friend, he wanted to kiss me the other night at the harbour but hesitated because he was a little ill and I was so serious about my exams. So when I told him a had this fever he told me had he knew I was going to get sick too, he would definitely have kissed me. That's sweet.

He also told me that I am very communicative and social (really?? lol) and because I have all these boys friends he wasn't sure how I see him. So unfortunately we had to say these things over our laptops but I decided we should go for drinks too. I had a really nice time and I believe he had too. We fooled around in my apartment later that night but nothing too serious happened. Anyway, I don't know where this is going and to be honest I don't really care for now. We're having a nice time and as long as it stays that way, I am pleased.

I promise I won't freak out somewhere in the middle. 

No, not again.

xxx

Copy cat

It's not that I've disappeared again. It's more of why I did this. So much things going on around me this week and I'm here to tell you EVERYTHING. First, thank you for your comments on my last photo, exam went pretty well!

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, here I am. I was sitting for exams three days in a row but luckily the exams themselves weren't tiring. It's the studying FOR the exams that is to die for (in a bad way). Genetics exam was multiple choice and even though this may sound too easy, well it wasn't. But I did well overall. Friday is when I'll cry. Super bad ass class with super duper bad ass professor. Help.

Yesterday night, even though I was supposed to be studying I went out. On a date. Don't judge too quickly but yeah, in two weeks I've gone out with three different guys, kissed one of them. But you know, yesterday was different. He is SO my style. It's practically the same pattern I've dated in the past, and I've missed it oh, so much. So we spent three hours (11-2) sitting at the old harbour looking at the boats and the stars. Nothing happened though, but it was nice just the way it was :)

The third topic, is tomorrow I have a gynaecologist appointment. It has to be done, something is feeling ..weird (too much information?naah). I hope it doesn't ruin my beach time, cause on Saturday I'm planning on tanning a bit more (except my left wrist, of course). 

With all these notes, I'm leaving you my lovelies. Off to study with any energy I have left!

how...?? I mean how can she pull this off? 

ohh...seriously!

Sleep well

It's early. Maybe too early, but I enjoyed my sleep and this week I must take good and energetic sleep. The quality is beyond crap, I wasn't in the mood for trying for another shot so here, my fat touchy legs, my tattoo (blurry as hell) and my green obsession.

Off to Genetics Exam...

(I'm going to put on pants though! 

In case anyone wonders.it's not that hot)

So typical

Lately I'm having so many inner thoughts, such a conversation with myself (in English). It's very odd but I think it's okay as long as people don't notice. Then the mad/crazy rumours spread!

Anyway, yesterday I did something that caused a heated discussion between me and me. It was something I thought I was able to get past, being in this blog world and getting all the triggering two years now. I binged and then purged. I was fully aware of what I was doing but couldn't stop it. Most of you know the feeling.
To think you would die if it doesn't get out of your system. It's really a horrible thing to do and I ended up with swollen eyes from crying and less regrets than I thought I'd have. Is it normal? To cry when you purge?

I promised myself I won't do it again. But then again I've promised myself numerous things and I didn't deliver. I also got my blood tests back. As you know, I have serious anemia. So my parents gave me the speech over the phone about the results (there were not good, but not as bad as last year) and then my aunt gave me the speech over the phone- she's a doctor. To sum up, I'm gonna be doing a couple of more tests and then maybe I will have to start (a 4-pill) treatment. How cool... although last year I came to realise that health goes first so.

I have other things I want to blog about, but let's just keep this post health/body related. I have 4 exams this week and NO strength/energy/mood to give any of them. But you know, a girl's got to graduate sometime next year ;)

xxx

It wasn't even that..

As the studying continues, life goes on too. Why can't everything just stop and let me study a while? I lack of self control lately (yes, you do, you haven't lost a pound duh) and I can't sit myself down to study. I mean, I do study but not how I should be studying for exams.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

this is were I spent half of my day yesterday. Yeah, it was magical, although I didn't enjoy the sea that much cause of my tattoo.. it's healing pretty well though so I'm happy about that!
Today I got up really early to run some errands and do my blood tests, to get ready for the summer pill-wise. I hope everything is okay and I don't have to change my medication.

I had my coffee (w/milk) and a cracker and I'm planning on eating a plain tomato salad and some cherries until the end of the day. Luckily I'm filling on diet ice tea and lots of ice water so I get distracted while studying. Summer fruits are my favourite (cherries, melon, peaches) and I can so easily spend the day eating them instead of food.

How is everyone these days?  :)

What a little turn of events

I promised myself this time as soon as exams started I would lock myself in the house/library and I would not let anybody ruin this sacred month. Well THAT didn't happen.

Dates, dramas, new friends and stuff like that is everything I experience during university exams. Last night I wanted to go for a drink, after three days of never leaving the house. A fucking drink, that was all I wanted from my Monday night. Well E suggested we invited a few people too, the few people suggested we go some place else, K decided to come and so did O (E and K are my two girl friends here, O is a guy I've known since year 1 and my blog has scattered details on him, anyway).
We finally gathered three girls, three guys and a lot of wine. After closing that place, we went at a rock bar and after closing that place TOO, me, K and O went home. So O and me got to talk cause K went to bed pretty much right after we arrived, so we stayed up from 5 till 8 in the morning. And yeah, he kissed me.

We were kissing and although I was so drunk, I knew what I was doing and I didn't stop it. I just kept telling him that it's wrong and kept keeping a distance so we can continue talking like nothing happened.
Didn't work very well but that's all we did anyways.

I am so hangovered, I went to the library with literally two hours of sleep, studied a bit and then came back to sleep for the afternoon. I don't know what it's going to happen (I mean he was pretty much trying to do that for two years now, so that can't be it) but I thought I would just let you know.

I just wish I could dip my face into that. 

It looks so cold and so pink!

Explanatory

Suffocated as I am lately, I converted my other blog to a narrative little fashion journey. I realised I didn't want to post my stylish findings away from you, so I barely ever posted on Dark Romanticism.

The idea came to me this morning, Lola, a character who is part real, part fictional. She has hew own blog and her adventures would be a mixture of real and fake experiences. If you have a curious mind, click to get on board with the beginning of her story!

Good, not.

I'm once again attracting all this negative energy. This is not cool, world. I really want to do a list about it, so I might as well do that, and then try to fix everything I can.

• My Milan trip friends think I have abandoned them for other people and I'm pretty sure I am a heated discussion on their Starbucks meet-ups. For one, I wasn't even invited to Starbucks, and frankly, it's my second home and everyone knows that. 
• Today I was too lazy to go to university to study so I stayed home and studied about one third of what I should have. Not cool.
• My two (other) girl friends are a little bittered that things didn't go as well as they wanted with the date guy. For some reason they struggle to find me a boyfriend, I don't know why and I don't think I want to know the reason.
• My father has had a lot of anxiety about his work and it makes me sad to hear him sad. 
• O isn't even talking to me and I am dying to go for a walk with him. I just don't want to hurt him all over again, so I hide it. I can't be selfish, not about him. I heard he was looking for me a week ago at our bar and if I text him he may think otherwise.
• It really frustrates me, being that fat, when all I have to do is stop eating. Just that.

Right now I just feel that I upset everyone around me. I can't help it and restoring all the damage is going to cost me lots of thinking and emotional stress. I need to lie down. I need a drink.

I love you, June

It's 11 in the morning and I could hardly move enough to shut the alarm clock ringing next to my bed. I'm dead. After 24 hours of exams, coffees, shopping and a date (!), I slept happily exhausted and promised myself never to get up. But, exams continue and I wanted to pee, so.

Exam went pretty awful, considering how much I studied. Nobody freaking cares why the corn is sweet when it's fresh, Mr. Biochemistry professor. My God, what a question to ask!
I was so exhausted to communicate with my surroundings yesterday, this is why coffee in the park was half-cancelled from the boys side, but oh well, it was relaxing at least.. I bought a bikini top from Oysho (don't judge too hard, I did it for you!) and then I had my date. We went for drinks to a place I liked and talked about all the random stuff two university students could talk. I didn't feel any chemistry, but I don't judge that hard usually, I'm just never excited. Anyway, we walked a bit and he walked me home, he paid for my drink too so that makes it a date on his side, I guess. I hate it when guys do that (I'm just as broke as he is so why pay for both) but I'm going to make a scene, I just smile. I think he wanted to kiss me, but being that exhausted I just thanked him for the night and decided we will talk again today to study for the finals at school.

I've been eating so little lately the scale showed 59.5 but I have to be careful not to ruin my health again. I will keep it going down though! Got to run now, I have two huge books to study! I love you all!

The picture will of course go down in two days :)