Never again.

I woke up this morning, not very happy but in an acceptable good mood. Little idea did I have that a panic attack was on it's way.. Got dressed, took my books, my special K bar and my iphone and got out of the apartment feeling optimistic for the day ahead. University's library is usually so cold due to air conditioning so apart from two shirts and my sweatpants I wore a cardigan. Last look at my bedroom's mirror and I felt pretty.

An hour later, sitting at my usual table by library's window, having read two pages of my book I started feeling kinda hot. I thought everyone was looking at me. People reading at tables around me, wearing shorts, tank tops, I was all wrapped up feeling so huge and pathetic. E was coming in a few minutes, I could maybe feel safe. I comforted myself that these was period bloating and there was not much I could do.

I was feeling hot, my hands were shaking and I wanted to just die. I took my books, gave E a bye kiss and went to get the bus. The whole time until my stop I had my eyes closed. So tight,repeating myself I will get there, I will get home soon.

Finally got home, stripped off all my clothes, took a big breath and just sat on the cold floor for half an hour breathing heavily. Had a couple of cigarettes and now I am good again to start studying at my living room.

I don't want this to happen again. Never.

Supermarket post

I enjoy my morning time at the supermarket again. Oh, I am so happy (relieved, proud of myself) that I passed the stage I was last year. I used to love going through the aisles but then I got so scared of going and now -I think- I'm back!

So, to ..celebrate the return of normality to my supermarket life, this is what I got today.

Large bottle of orange juice (the best you can buy around here, almost freshly made) to take my pills with, balsamic vinegar, 3 large cups of three different salads (rocket, valeriana? and mixed), a tomato, some zucchinis and peaches and a bag of cashews. I also got two eggs, but they were so naughty and couldn't stand still for the picture!!

(I am in a good mood, I guess)

As good as new

So thank you all for the lovely comments and support, Monday started out blah, with my genetics exam. I try not to panic about passing or not, we'll know in a few days. Yesterday I was really down as well. I even tried to cheer myself with buying a new top from Asos. That didn't work quite well but now the day's passed and in a week I will have a lovely shirt!

Today's intake is 564cals so far. I will have a peach or two and then a glass of white wine if we go out tonight. I started using Loseit.com to count my progress and a guy there keeps bothering me cause he thinks I have an ED, because in a conversation with another person I said my family does not approve of me dieting. God, people I don't fucking know, get out of the way! I replied kindly to him and he got the point. Pff..

You know, I think I could live only on Starbucks Soy Cappuccino, really. I wish it was Soy milk with Vanilla flavour though, just like in America, but I can work with plain as well :)

This morning I was at the bus, sitting and looked at my thighs pushed to the seat and though "I have GOT to do something about this". So I am. Until 20/9 when my exams will be over and then I can just play crazy anytime I want.

so, who DOESN'T love effy??

Warning.

You know when sometimes you look at yourself, your life and everything is not what you wanted them to be? And though you know what it takes to change all that, and you know exactly what you want to do to have fun, something's holding you back?

It's Saturday. And I only got outside of the house to pick up laundry. Fucking pathetic. If you don't study during exams you might as well go out and have a little fun, then maybe you will get on with your revising. But you know, I would love a drink right now. Instead I'm supposed to sleep in 30 minutes. Lol. My sleep is so fucked up, I take pills to sleep and yet I wake up feeling so damn tired and lazy. I'm tired. I got off the beach to study genetics this August and this is So frustrating. I'm so stressed cause of what happened last August and everything is pushing me to "succeed". I keep eating to keep myself at the desk, keep smoking to prevent from eating and keep biting my nails to prevent from smoking. But you know, I would love a drink right now. Oh, yes, I've already said that.

This year I came with two things in mind. Get skinny and keep smiling. And I bet you all missed these kind of posts. One minute I'm all happy and jolly and the next one I get so bitchy and evil and depressed. Pick any two and this is me.

New followers, I hope this is not a preview of what's coming.

damn, this shirt.

Like, really.

So exams started as usual. Two down, five to go. First one was rather unpleasant (thank you for ruining my holidays and for failing it) but today's was a success! I don't want to be very optimistic (I don't do that- never) but if everything is right I might get an 8 or 9/10! I needed this, really.

I have my 514 pages Genetics book in front of me now. Monday, 9 am. Put me in your prayers, lovelies! It terrifies me, although this is probably what I will do as a job: in vitro fertilization for women who can't get pregnant. I would love to work on a lab. Second choice? Transplants compatibility (sorry if these are not the correct terms..) or choose a genetic disease that has psychological effects and work on that with sick people and on research as well.

But to do ANY of these I have to stay focused. HAVE TO.

Do you know what else needs my focus? My scale. I have to loose that 15lbs and now it's for good. I opened a profile at Loseit.com and I'm starting slowly from tomorrow (slowly means until exams are over). Sister has already lost two kilos following WeightWatchers. I simply can't meet her at Christmas and have everyone complimenting on her only. I mean I am so happy that she looses weight and that makes her happy as well. But I have, too. HAVE TO.

So yes, in any way HAVE TO.

A r i

The thing is I would really like a new pet fish.

I miss him so much..

Such little pretty things

Unfortunately only two of you commented with a link at my previous post, so I couldn't make it a contest.. Nevertheless, please check these two lovely girl's blogs:

52 (I loved your bag! so classy!)

The Story of Me: Another Lost Anorexic Girl (oh! so many things!! how do you EVER find what you want?)

I have been so freaking busy with my studying. Exams start on Thursday. Thursday- Friday- Monday are my first three, and I have four more, it's hectic.. I try to study as much as I can, to keep myself calm and not freak out and I try to smile.

When I do have some free time I give it to my Tumblr account, only because it relaxes me to watch inspiring photos. Otherwise, blogger is my passion!! You should check it out though,

Anklets & Skulls, I try to keep it beautiful and not trashy.

I can't wait for my exams to be over (and please to be a success, if I'm not asking too much) so I can start working out. I'm thinking one time spinning, one time aerobics, two times yoga/pilates per week with an extra running at the old harbour. I have to wait for my university semester schedule though but I think this is a good combination.

This is my new desktop, I love this picture. I find it kinda mysterious.

What's In My Bag?

Ta-dah! It's time for the WhatsInMyBag contest!!

Are you prepared?

I hope you all had a great time doing this, found some amazing stuff at the bottom of your bag (it's always so many forgotten cute things in there, right?) and thrown some receipts or used bus tickets that have accompanied you since last spring (lol).

So, my bag. I got this black vintage styled leather bag about two months ago, on my last trip to London from Urban Outfitters (who would have guessed it! all my stuff is from there lol). If you like it, check it out HERE at their site. No need to say I haven't used any of my other bags ever since.

I would have turned the bag upside down but I had my iphone in it and my glasses (with no case, I know I'm stupid) so I just put them in order for you to have a better view! Voila!!

So from left to right there is my Chanel Coco Mademoiselle perfume, my vintage wallet (cash, cards, starbucks cards, gym card, bus tickets and Fairynails club card), my Victoria's Secret purse with tampons etc, my purple iPhone with headphones, a pen, a marker, some cupcake tissues (which secretly I don't want to use cause there like, so pretty!!), my dark purple nail polish, a lighter, my lipstick, my Dior waterproof black mascara, a hair claw, my D&G sunglasses and my notebook.

I don't carry too many things inside my bag because I get really angry if I can't find what I am looking for.

*The oddest thing I have found in my bag was a fork when I was with friends at the middle of a huge park having a picnic and my sister forgot to get a fork for her salad. I just looked inside my bag and found a blue plastic fork, it was so funny!! The fork was in my bag for 5-6 days from my trip to Amsterdam where I went to get fried potatoes and the potato-mister gave me too many forks for one person!

COMMENT YOUR POST BELOW TO ENTER THE CONTEST. (you have all Sunday)

BEST ONE'S BLOG WILL BE AT MY POSTS ALL SEPTEMBER!!!

CONTEST, LADIES!

For those of you who don't know what a "what's in my bag" post is about, click here to read my previous related post. This way everyone interested will have TWO DAYS to make one! If you do one please comment on Sunday your link to my "What's in my bag" post so we can all see!

If I get more than three links I'll turn it into a contest!

Best one's blog will stay as a link to my posts all September! :)

Small talk n' blue converse

So apparently some of you found something at this "before" picture to like. Thank you for your lovely comments but I still look at this picture and think "this looks so fat. DO SOMETHING!"

I have cut out the added sugar from my life. Everything I buy to eat or drink is sugar-free.I insist to the lady at the cafeteria at uni "NO SUGAR JUST MILK in my coffee PLEASE", she thinks I'm this weird weirdo. I tell her this two times while she makes my coffee to avoid mistakes. I think she knows me by now!

Of course there is sugar in every food but you got what I mean, right?

I put a ticker at my sidebar (on your left, under my lovelies), too.

In other news, I spend my days studying and day-dreaming.

I am officially paranoid.

I am thinking of making another "What's in my bag" post. Would you like that? If someone does one too, leave a link at mine (I'll do one during weekend) so we can all see!!

Read this too please.

I know I wanted to post pictures of my body to make them my "before", so I could inspire you and motivate myself. The thing that makes me a little sceptical is my blog to be listed as "pro-ana".

See I don't want to, I've seen what could happen if you voluntarily (in most cases) collect anorexia symptoms, and I have lost a year of my life suffering with no one to talk about this. Except you of course.

But you are not next to me when I was waking up crying, you were not with me when I had secret (hopefully) panic attacks at the coffee house with my friends because I was forced to have a whole-milk cappuccino.

But you were with me the next day with your lovely comments to my tragic posts and I will love you forever for doing that. You know who you are. You waited, post after post, for me to stand on my feet again, as I was rambling against everyone.

And now I am ready to move on, to do this in a healthy way, in a successful way and not to make the same mistakes. I am ready to post this "before" picture and motivate you to be the best you can be, because when we all have each other well, it's better.

For the ones that don't see this yet, believe me, you will.

So here you are, me this morning.

At 165cm and 58kgs, with my homemade iced americano in the starbucks glass and my summer tan.

First goal weight: 54, first after picture November 2011. Wait for it :)

notice please. this image will stay online until Thursday morning

My before pictures.

Goodmorning girls :)

I woke up in a good mood ready to make some before images of me!

I thought of posting them here, but is anyone of you interested of seeing them??

I don't want to be an attention whore (why would I? there is nothing amazing to see in my before pictures anyway) so if you want me to make a post with pictures and stats please let me know.

:)

Address

A nice time to post is when your stomach is empty.

No black thoughts, no mean comments, no hating yourself or others, just pure desire to get there. When you feel empty and emotionless, and know that nothing and no one can hurt you because you are in power.

I went to a friend's house today. I stick on diet luckily as I had all the questions to answer, meeting her parents for the first time. Where are you from? What are you studying? Do you like living here? What do your parents do for a living? Do you have siblings? Where are you possibly going to find a job with all the crisis?

The list can go on but you got the point. So I kept moving my fork up and down the plate, having some salad and few bites of oven baked potatoes and kept smiling and answering, smiling and commenting. Perfect!

I feel quite dizzy trying to study a bit Neurology but I might as well post here, take a bath and go to bed. I had the strangest dream about N, a guy I met during holidays, and it was rather romantic. Really weird, I do not tend to be very romantic, at all.

I need an empty stomach. I need to feel in control over my body, over my exams, over anything and everything. I need a bath and some sleep.

Sweet dreams lovelies..

Frozen

and all of a sudden I became vulnerable to alcohol. What the fuck? I used to drink half a vodka bottle in shots to become...dizzy. So I didn't expect to wake up hangovered after one mojito.

I realised how powerful I get when I have a pack of cigarettes near my desk. I don't have to eat, no. I will just light one of these and pretend to smoke. I don't smoke. I just use it during exams period so that I could prevent me from hating myself later.

Knit. Knit.

Breakfast will be deleted from my vocabulary. If I eat breakfast I am constantly starving the rest of the day. If I decide to have my black coffee, then automatically I know it is a successful day. So breakfast can suck it!

58.1 and decided to catch up with a friend to the new Italian restaurant in town. It's so nice and cosy! But had pasta with caprese sauce (tomato, basil and mozzarella) and then a strawberry milkshake. Oh, I didn't have to do that.

She was telling me she didn't go on holidays and she was bored the whole time, so out of kindness I couldn't tell her about the private boat and the mojitos. I just told her I had a great time, and I felt nice that I passed this stage I used to be a year ago.

Tomorrow I am visiting two of my girlfriends here who decided to move together (just roomates!) so I am going to see the new house! I love decorating houses (my house in pictures here) but not everyone shares the same minimal style as me. So I am curious as to how it is. I hope I get to decorate E's house now that she's moving. I know she likes my style and trusts me at clothes and stuff. :)

In other news, I might start doing pilates. Any comments on that? Advice?

Oh, this is so me. I just wish I had her legs, too. (pilates??)

Get back up and do it again. And again.

When a job needs to be done, it might as well be done the right way. No excuses, lies, apologies, embarrassment. I started studying for the exams today. Wow, that's difficult. It is a must though.

Detox plan was abandoned first thing in the morning. Reason? No coffee allowed. What? No coffee no study my friend, so I started my diet right away. Four full months of dieting.

Me against myself this time. On exams, on my body.

Scale showed 58.6

(I'm counting in kilos, for the new ones)

the number was hard to watch. but I know now that summer is over I have a shot to eliminate this damage. I saw it happening, I can do it. I want skinny (repeat 3 times while touching your ribs).

http://olsensanonymous.blogspot.com/

is a very nice blog, I visit it a lot for inspiration. I love them, really.

*close your eyes and just imagine..

52 kilos, skinny jeans and long black shirt, a cross necklace and short leather jacket, converse, brown(red-ish) long straight hair. Walking outside in confidence. Books, pyjamas and a mascara for a weekend at his place. Late night drinks with friends. Happy time gossiping at university. Doing pilates on a Saturday morning. Group studying at friend's houses. Starbucks coffee and long walks at the old harbour on a sunny afternoon.

I know what a want until Christmas. DO YOU?

Clockwise .

I am at bed now. Exhausted.

I noticed I haven't posted my weight a long time now, neither have I talked about eating. It's difficult when you are at holidays to keep your eating habits, especially when caring parents are involved. Tomorrow I am doing a detox. I aim for three days, I may do two in the end. I want to balloon down a bit before I start this year's diet.

Everywhere around me I see friends, cousins, unknown girls who suddenly became skinny. And I wonder, what the fuck? Sister started weightwatchers. The counsellor asked her why does she want to lose weight since she has a healthy BMI. I mean, are you kidding me? What a stupid question to ask nowadays, in my opinion. She should know better, right??

Anyway. I feel good about myself. I always feel good at the beginning and then get screwed up. But I will try and stay positive. My nails are growing big again (a sign when I am not good with myself are bitten nails) and I painted them dark purple, just like old times. They look weird to me, I haven't seen them like that in a while.. I also placed my pills next to my bed. That way I will remember to take them. I have to take some vitamins too.

I also found the courage to tell sister the truth about my university grades. I know she will be supportive, she knows I wasn't very well last year.. it came naturally and I am glad I did it instead of having ANOTHER thing secret from the whole world.

It can sometimes get so tiring, all the lies, all the secrets..

When winter comes

So I came back for good. :)

Holidays are officially over for me, I am as tanned as I can get and I hope as fat as I will ever get.

Sad because my beta fish died yesterday.. we had an amazing year together but he got so sick that I was sure I wasn't going to see him again after summer. I came back and the next day he died. Mum said he waited to see me and then die. I like to think that could happen. I loved him and I know he loved me, not so sure though he could remember me singing to him over his tank.. I tried to feed him but I knew he was really really sick. I hope he had a great time living with me.

Looking back, holidays were special this summer. Not as happy as I wanted them to be, but I had a great time. I try to stay happy and relaxed because exams are coming. How cruel after holidays, right?

I try to count what has changed in my mind for this upcoming year:

1. Study hard for university. Enough said.

2. Eat little, eat healthy food (THIS way works to get to 52, nothing else)

3. Work out. Daily. Spinning, yoga (makes you calm), maybe pilates, anything.

4. Be social, happy, kind, flirty, caring.

5. Let yourself go in a relationship.

6. FIND A WAY TO STAY HAPPY

For you.

Sometimes all you need is a hug. Someone to call you pretty and give you a hug. Yes, this is more than enough, sometimes..

This post is dedicated to a very important person in my life. The one that means so much to me as a friend and a guy and the one who I've hurt the most in the past. I like to believe we two have a special something going on. Maybe some time in the future we will be together. Like, married or something. He is a true romantic and I'm well, not. Not even close enough.

He was the first to show me what strong feelings mean. And I smashed his heart to pieces. Cause I didn't care. I tried very much and for quite some years we call each other best friend -of the opposite sex.

Last night was the best night I've had this year. For 365 days, or nights, I was bored and bored and bored a little more. But yesterday he made me feel. Feel nice. And this is the nicest thing someone has done for me in quite some time. So, yeah, thank you. Don't ever leave my life..

A long dress, a brown shirt, 4 glasses of white wine and many relationship issues later, we both felt dizzy enough to laugh at -seriously- nothing and talk nonsence. I needed that.

I still have a large smile on my face. Enough said. Goodnight.

tomorrow I'm flying home

Last post from "summertime"

I decided to delete the post I wrote literally 2 minutes ago. I didn't like it's negativity. So instead there you go:

Goodmorning! Today, after a huge fight with all my family, I woke up at a huge house with four floors ALONE. Dad is at work and mom and sister are missing somehow. So I'm drinking my coffee old school: with you guys and my laptop.

Sunday I'm flying home. I tried so hard to leave early and now I think it suits all of us. Anyway I'm trying to stay positive.
Sister decided she's getting fat. Personally I think she is fine, just her thighs are quite bigger than rest of the body so she is freaking out and decided to loose 12 kilos. Mom is supportive somehow and sister registered to WeightWatchers. Good luck to her! She is so much prettier than me and if she loses 12 kilos she will be amazing.

What about me? Nobody cares about me, they don't even pay attention anymore when I talk about kilos. I want to lose 7 but who cares? I care and I'm sure you care :)


Dad just walked in. I'm closing this thing......kisses!!