It's the day after the storm.

I feel like someone punched me in the face. It's the second time I've felt like that; ironically, it involves a certain person again (yes, G). But now the situation is different. Now I am the one who screwed up.  Nevertheless, I will try (and succeed) to make the most out of my weekend.

Things that make my Saturday happy:
so much sleep
cleaning the house (yes, I am THAT girl)
a large bowl of strawberries in my fridge
water with ice
new bracelets, tights and shirts (recent purchases from Stradivarius)
movie night

xx 

Just another national holiday.

Since I decided to give it a try with O, I've been feeling quite flat. It's not that I didn't know that. When you don't like someone for three years, what do you expect to feel in a week's time?
We laugh. A lot. He's sweet. We can cuddle, and I don't feel like suffocating. We have sex. It's like I know what he is like, and he knows me. But you can never really know someone, can you?
I already had a conversation with my friends about it. I don't want a relationship. They believe I play with him. It's not like that; I know it's not the normal thing to do, but nothing about me is normal. So I don't care about what they say.

Have you seen "my mad fat diary"? It's an English series, about Rae, an obese girl who tried to kill herself, and how she's getting back to normal life with friends and family and boys etc. It's quite nice, although I find disturbing how much I can relate to her. Like, seriously. Some scenes I find upsetting, and I know I don't even resemble to her in the least possible.

Yesterday I couldn't sleep. My stomach hurt, I was nauseous, along with some more symptoms. I had to find some medication, but the only pharmacy open this late (4 in the morning) was really far away. So I called them anyway, just to talk to someone. The lady sounded kind, she advised me on what pills to take, and told me a story of her own, just to calm me down. When I finally went back to sleep and woke up, I tried to find another open pharmacy (national holiday means stores closed). I had to go through the parade, it was madness. So surreal.

After one whole bar of milk chocolate and one of the pills, I feel more calm. I have to get it together; alone. I'm almost 23.

In

Counting down the days until April 4th starts today.
I know that if I continue this way I will be the fattest out of six. Me. Who was always envied for my toned legs and butt. So restriction is going to be. I got roughly two weeks.

So the intake is going to be something like this

breakfast: Herbalife shake and plain coffee, no milk no sugar
lunch: greek yogurt with banana, strawberries and wheat
dinner: Herbalife shake, boiled veggies

this would sum up to 800 cals per day. not bad.. I will also write the meals down on my 2013 diary so I don't lose focus

treat --> starbucks plain coffee w/ waffle when I go there to study
I can't possibly resist

Margaux, you goddess

Review

Having a Monday off really gets you off track on Tuesday. I couldn't get myself together and kept walking like a zombie around the lab corridors today. Weird part is, I had managed to get up earlier and have my shake.

Oh. The Shake. Herbalife Nutritional Shake.
I decided to try this out for multiple reasons, and honestly I didn't give it much thought. I got the Cookies and Cream flavor and it tastes amazing! I mean, when I mix it with non fat milk it tastes like a real shake, when I tried it with water, I couldn't even finish it- me, who drinks everything in sight! So beware, the taste of the plain shake (powder+water) tastes like absolute crap, and the after taste is even worse!

One week of using it, I caught myself being a lot stronger, and the dizziness in the lab was gone. So yes -apart from today- it really does what is says. Keeps me strong.
Now I'm not saying this is entirely it's fault, but I've lost a pound as well this past week. Of course I was too busy to eat as well, so maybe it's the combination. I will continue drinking these shakes for two months maximum, I promised myself. One, because they are chemicals and you know, I'm all for healthy stuff and two, because the're fucking expensive. 44 euro for a bottle. A big bottle, I know, but they're a total lot!

I will make another order, a bottle of Cookies and Cream and the single packages of Vanilla, and maybe ask if they have a sample of Strawberry flavour to send me as well.

Oh, add half of a banana in the mix, and it's heaven ;)

xx

Carnival

It's been almost a week since I last posted. I've been signing in, reading your blogs, commenting on some posts, but I couldn't possibly sit down and write a post of my own.

Thursday night I was supposed to go for drinks with D (my ex, I know, I should know better). I wanted so badly to see him, chat with him.Of course he cancelled, with some ridiculous reason and although I wasn't deeply saddened, it took me down. I hadn't told anybody so I couldn't find someone to talk to this night. Luckily two of my male friends offered to take me out for wine, so I went and had a really nice time. It took my mind off of things, just what I needed. I spent with them my Saturday night as well.
Nice times.

Did you notice I skipped a day? Friday night.Went out for drinks at the Bar with the regular boys and girls. I was feeling so nice, I wore my see through black buttoned shirt, I did my make up, and everything about D was gone -for now at least. There were so many people that me and K know this night at the bar, it was madness. Of course O was there too.
Some time around 3, as we were talking, O told me that he still has a thing for me. After all these years, after all the history, the turn downs, the no nos. Normally I would have given him a blank look, and changed the subject entirely (I can too be an ass- what goes around comes around though). But decided not to. I told him I've been thinking about him too, and we ended up making out at my place until the morning. Yay? I don't know.

I mean I will try it and see. This will put me in a better mood, and I will definitely lose some weight as well. It's always easier to stop eating when you know someone is going to see you naked. And I need to lose that weight (protein shake review coming up). I have less than a month to get de-bloated, cause I have a so-formal situation coming up and a backless dress to wear..

And as for him, well, I think that he is happy.
So everybody wins and I'm not an asshole,
right?

xx

p.s. I will definitely post more often, so that the posts don't come as long. I know it's tiring, so if you read the whole thing, congratulations!!

Sit at home Sunday.

It so fucking weird, the same thoughts go over my mind every single day. But today (or last night) is when I've had enough. Have you ever looked yourself in the mirror, and not recognise the person that you see? I don't mean you don't like what you see, but don't freaking recognise the girl who is looking you back.

Months now, this girl looks back at me with sadness, disappointment and fear. I wake up every day and dread the time that I will have to get dressed and go out. Which is every day. So I back up, and get used to this. To be scared of people, to have no one to like me, to wear the same outfit every day because it hides my belly. To be lame.

But yesterday, after all this crying, I had such a nice time. My friends got me out for drinks, to get my mind off things and this morning I woke up feeling much much better. I think I deserve waking up to a smile.

Why did I let this happen?

I promised that I will do ANYTHING to go back to being myself. As for this week, apart from starting the shakes, I decided to eliminate meat.

Spring is always a smiley season for me, and now I need to smile more than ever.

make lemonade

The weekend blues

My grandmother passed away yesterday morning.

And all I got was a call, after her funeral. It's so weird, really. Even though nothing will practically change in my life right now, this call meant so much. I have to force myself realise this fact. Can you understand? I live very far away from my grandmother, so it's been about a year since I last saw her. But I always knew she was there, I could picture the window she was looking outside to. I was calling her, and even though she didn't always undestand who I was (she was 93, I couldn't expect her to), we would talk and share silly news, about her lunch, about the weather, she'd always send me kisses, like little girls do. I loved her for that. And it's weird that I couldn't attend her funeral, something my parents hid from me. For the better, for the worst, I don't know. This is no time to blame my mother, really. She loved her mother. And I can never understand how she feels right now. I'm so scared of the time I have to go through that...but let's not put extra sadness to this post.

I didn't see her dying, I wasn't at the church like my cousins, I didn't say good bye to her and didn't give a last kiss to her calm and peaceful face, like the ones we were sending over the phone. And I almost feel guilty of that.

I feel like I'm crying for all the wrong reasons today.

I hope she can rest now.

Mary calling

Did you notice? MARCH is here.

It took me four days to realise it. Being so deep into shit, I let the start of the spring go un-noticed. But oh well, rain and wind and lightnings couldn't remind me of spring anyway. Part two of my 'last year' of university, and this is pure routine. Laboratory work, final essay, high level courses, younger kids, when did all this happen? Wanting to keep it a bit longer, I decided to apply for an internship through the Erasmus programme. For next year. U.K or France, I haven't decided just yet. (we all know London is where I'd rather go though)

Today I had a tuna salad, a fat free chocolate milk and some strawberries. I need extra energy, cause going to the gym every night will tear me down so quickly. So, I did a very thoughtful motion (not) and ordered the Herbalife protein shake. I haven't used any protein based product before, of the ones people use to build muscles, but this seemed to be more useful for a balanced everyday life rather than getting the abs you want. So I won't pass out at the lab (seems likely lately), and stop eating all the time. I will update you on the taste and everything next week :) Also, if someone has already tried it, a related comment would be oh, so helpful. I got the cream n cookies flavor (instead of the vanilla I wanted at first, just because everyone was writing how tasteful it is..we'll see).

Other than that, I try to see the positive of EVERY thing happening. Just that.

To everything else that DEMANDS bringing me down, well...

xx

But I've come to this.
You wake up one day and people worry about not having enough money for their bills, they have serious health problems, others lose their jobs. Some have such personal problems and in the meantime they try bring you down by any means.To spill everything in the perfect life they think you have. Do you let them?

Well, I wasn't quite living inside a bubble until now, so spare your 'grow up, this is life' comments. But it's like the first time I realised that all this is happening around me, to people I know, people I care about. But. Do they care about me?

So you worry. And you cry. And you shout. And you try to stay happy for them, because you simply CAN'T collapse when you are the one supposed to stay strong. And you geet out of your way to help. But where is this thin line, where you are supposed to leave someone behind and continue your life? Who can tell you when you should care for your friend and when all this will turn back at you, as soon as they feel better.

And, at the same time, what is the definition of a 'friend'?

I wonder.