the world is spinning at the speed of light.

I woke up at 3 in the afternoon.. wtf?

why am I sleeping so much? Anyway, that's not a countdown post just because it's too early for one.

I woke up so mad! Realised I didn't have any coffee at the house..it was ridiculous! I had to drink tea again. You know already I love tea, but if I want coffee atm I can be really really upset.

So not only did I drink tea again, but I ate three coockies (non-choco, with white wine luckily) my mum had sent me. I mean they're homemade but ...grrrrrr!!!!!

So I am pissed now. I try to keep calm because this is not a reason to be mad for, so I took a long bath, I keep listening to Kesha's "animal" which for no apparent reason calms me down.

Oh, March begins tmrrw..so because spring starts it's a tradition here to put a small red bracelet to avoid getting burned by the sun that starts on spring. Of course on this island sun is always up but whatever.. So it's the perfect time to wear the red ana bracelet!! If you don't know what that is then google it.. In my country I guess nobody knows that, so I wouldn't be disturbed by ppl that recognise it. Finally.

24.

Today wasn't that good.

I had to eat but ordered my plate without french fries so I must have saved at least 400cals.. omg, and my stupid coke wasn't diet because of a mistake and had to drink like half of it! Damn I don't even like the taste of regular coke!!!

Tmrrw I have to eat again out, so I will spend the rest of the day with coffee and water. I cannot avoid it, we have to make things clear and it's the perfect time.

Anyway, I'm happy with my progress and I'll stay strong :)

25.

It's really late for my post, but I have to keep the countdown going..

Relationships (any kind) seem about difficult these days, especially if you plan to be nice and try nobody to get hurt. I can't be unhappy for all the things that happen because maybe sometimes things change for a reason.

A reason you cannot understand yet, but hopefully you'll find :)

So today I had two wheat rusks and some almonds, an orange juice and a low fat berry muffin, a coffee and a salad.

Seem a lot, but I also went to my yoga class.. finally! it was so crowded, damn.

Oh, and today at class we had cell biology and we were talking about fats and acids and stuff and it was like the "fat" word was so freaking bold on the powerpoint presentation.. I think I could recognise it anywhere haha.. I'm not sure I know why.

I don't feel fat. I just don't feel skinny...

So that was the update for Friday :)

off to bed ...nighty night girLssss**

26.

:)

Today was so tiring.. I didn't do lots of things, but got tired. And I didn't go to the gym cause I went with my friends out.. but what can a social-wannabe girl do?? hahaha..

Anyways, I was so happy when my friend told me her boyfriend said I have a great body!

:D:D:D:D

I smiled so fucking much, tried to hide it though ..

I know I am miles away from THE goal, but such things keep me going!!

So I had a fresh orange juice, a low fat berry muffin (couldn't resist), a latte and a ceasar's salad. Oh and some strawberries!! Srawberries are my after dark treat!!

You know..countdown really really helps**

27.

I feel love. Is it even possible?

Maybe it's a side effect of these things I try to be..

or maybe it's a sign I'm one step closer to perfection..

I don't know..

Of course these days my mood changes every other second, so I post only when I reach happiness, hopefully I do every day even for a little while..
Today I had the worst stomachache, and that was a punishment for eating praline. I know that. I was waiting almost 3hs for the third lesson of the day to start, but I had to go home as I was feeling awful.. I did a great bath and know I'm really really better :)

So today I had some praline for breakfast, two coffees and a bowl of lentils(?) for lunch. That's when my stomach started to hurt like hell... So now I'm having some strawberries to make me feel better, and you know what? I already feel nicer..

I try to be a nice and friendly person.
I try to be skinny.
I try to feel sth. And right now everything seems pink. It's like I'm high or sth..

28.

Cupcakes.

I see cupcakes.

It's funny...

I never liked cupcakes. I never liked any kind of cake. But lately I've discovered a perfect low fat berry cupcake and I really want half of this right now.. but nahhh, I have my red delicious apples! Oh, who am I kidding?

Anyway, today I had half jasmine tea, the veggie sandwich, an apple, my pill (oh yes, finally) and three wheat rusks. Oh and some strawberries..

I wasn't feeling good before and tried not to post moody cause I don't want to bring you any negative thoughts..

But I'm ok now!!! My belly is flat, my hair has been done, my nails look nice and I picked my clothes from the cleaner's..

So I'm still great and lovin it!!

29.

It was a bit cold today. The weather is gonna drive me crazy, I know that..

Anyway today was good. I had two coffees, a small piece of cheese pie and a salad. I could have not eaten the salad but I was feeling rather weak when I got home so I bought it.
Tmrrw I will be the whole day at uni :)

Oh, I also bought a striped long Shirt that was at maternity section but I loved it so who cares?

I'm fine. Everything is still fine..

30.

When you take your eyes away from the prize, you are most likely to loose your goal. I had to expect this..with all the shit about my best friend (or ex? haven't understood yet..) I lost my focus and my thinspiration..

So I have exactly a month until I go home again. And that is my goal. Counting down from today I will go back skinnier. Because it will be Easter and that's when all my friends come home. I have to be skinnier.

On Friday I was walking and three women were sitting on the street in front of a store. And when I passed them I heard the one saying "I used to be that thin, you know" pointing at me. And you know what? I didn't feel nicer. I felt guilty that my goal was put aside.

So from today I will only eat when I'm out with my friends. At home I have apples and corn flakes and coffee or tea. Nothing else. Only when I stay home the whole day I'll go get the grilled veggie sandwich and a big diet coke for lunch. Like today.

Today I had a coffee and a green apple, then the sandwich and the diet coke and until tmrrw I'll have tons of oolong tea.

Discipline is my thing. And I can do this. I don't know how much I will loose so I'm not setting a number goal. Hopefully 3 kilos :)

Minnie Mouse

Please tell me why I don't like Sundays.. idk, I feel like the whole day I'm in a waiting room doing nothing, waiting for the week to start.. But I feel okay today. I slept like 12hs and I would have slept more if the damn cell didn't ring. Message.

Anyway I want to tell you a little bit about yesterday. I was doing so well with what I ate but when I was getting ready to go out I got so frustrated that I ate almost all the things in my fridge. Luckily there was nothing really bad.. half cherry yogurt 11%fat, some dehydrated(?) pineapple and figs and some chicken that was left. Hmm, I was still feeling awful and decided that on my way I would buy the hugest chocolate ever just to punish myself. So it was time to leave and I wore my brown heel-boots,my jeans and a grey laced T-shirt and I still feeling like a balloon. But what the hell,it was Saturday night, I wanted those heels. So because it was so so hot decided not to get that chocolate after all (THANKYOU.THANKYOU!!).

Have I ever told you I'm sort of afraid of crowds? And of course I would die if they see me walking and eating? Yeah, I have that ..

So the road I had to walk till I get to my friends is a 10minute walk by the sea, always so quite except the cars. But yesterday, as I realised,there was a football game which just ended.

Omg girls, I actually had to walk through a huge crowd of men and policemen and motorbikes in my heel boots. They were just guarded till they reach the center of the town. Luckily I had my mp3 with me so I wouldn't listen all the things they would say but I was so panicked.. Luckily I didn't buy that chocolate because I swear I would have started crying in the middle of this crowd..

I don't know am I crazy but I just can't stand ppl staring at me and saying, you know all the stupid things men say..

Hot. Points. Who?

It's the end of February and today I spent my day at a cafe near the sea, I even used sunscreen! It was nice, sun really makes my day :)

Today I didn't go to class, told you it was a great day to spend it inside a classroom one floor below the ground. But decided to rent the lesson's book from the library in order to do some weekend study. "The cell". Sounds interesting.. I read a little and it had an example about how Leonardo Da Vinci would react if we gave him a laptop, he would cut it open to see what's in it. And the paralism was how we can study a cell without a microscope. Cut it open? Well we can't really see a cell with our bare eyes, how can we study half of it? Anyway I didn't get the point..wtf?

I need sunglasses. I always thought of sunglasses as a strong accessory,never found the right ones though.. I also need some alcohol. Haha if I make a list of what I need it would be funny. First of all cause all of them would be really really NOT necessary.

Everyone around me seems to have found the love of their life. Is it me or this starts to get annoying? Well I'm happy that my friends are happy (and I'm stuck in the past with no intention of moving forward).

Annamaria, you have to be nice, please..

So I was doing some google search and found what caused my eating disorder : "Between one-third and one-half of patients report having struggled with significant depression or anxiety before their eating disorder began. These problems were severe enough that the individuals felt extremely out of control and feared they were falling apart, and may have turned to restrictive eating, excessive exercise"

BUT WHO HASNT, AFTER ALL ???

*I so love this photo ..

Nothing really

i really really need to talk right now.

I DONT LIKE BEING AVERAGE

BUT WHAT IF I DONT DESERVE PERFECTION?

WHAT HAPPENS THEN? I REALLY REALLY WONDER..

ooh you stupid, you shoudn't cry..

Well I went for coffee today with my best friend..I called her because wanted to make things clear but eventually I'm not satisfied with our talk. She was talking about all these irrelevant things, about her trip, about her new boyfriend, things I would love to know because we haven't talked like girlfriends for two months now, but this just wasn't the point.

I was asking her what is wrong what had happened and she assured me nothing was wrong. We were fine. Damn it! Then why I felt her like a stranger? She told me she'd call me tmrrw to go for coffee and meet her boyfriend.

I cannot be a bad person. No and I know that. One of the 2010 goals is to be a kind and good person, a friendly one. So -even though I'm not there yet and I'm kinda sorry- I won't say a thing.. I'll wait and maybe, well maybe it's time to move on. Although I really reaaaally don't want to.

Anyway, tmrrw I'm starting my new lab and cannot find my razors...found my lab coat at least :)

And decided one thing today:

if I need to find myself, it's sth I must do alone. So now that I feel so alone -not depressed though- maybe it's time to find myself.

I'm listening to 3 words -cheryl cole feat Will a.m and I literally fel in love! The video clip is so awesome, it really makes me calm.

So what I need to do now is to smile and be strong..

Merenda

I did it!! I managed to fly a kite :)

we had two and we somehow lost both of them at the end but it was fun!!

I met my friend's family (actually about 15 ppl) and realised that saying where I live now is a village is freaking funny..!!! Her "town" is so so small.. but cute okay..

Anyway I'm so tired and have a headache right now. I bought a salad to take a painkiller and realised I had missed these salads. And because I am eating so much these days (of course today wasn't an exception) I'm going to start eating these salads again. Each of them has 345 or 479 and I seem to be pretty full after it. From tmrrw actually!

Take it easy & take care !

Love ya*

I can't party everyday, you silly..

Ha, funny. Yeah it's funny.. when you look someone you thought will always be in your life and don't ever recognise the face. I don't talk about a lover. I am talking about a best friend.. that is when it hurts (the most?)

Well I talked to her today, although she didn't want to. Last night we were acting like children we didn't even say hello. But I love her. No matter she doesn't talk to me. No matter she tries to make me jealous with stupid things. I defend her to my friends, don't want to talk about her badly because we are still friends. We are.

Maybe on Tuesday we'll meet. I really want to be arrogant and yell at her. I really do, I'm so mad at her.. but we are both stupid.

We'll see.

Tmrrw is valentine's day. I don't like that day. I really find it pointless. And it reminds me of last year's valentine's. Two things happened that Saturday that happened to be also valentine's day. And they both are still too painfull to think of.

So fuck valentine's day!

I got friends, I really really love new ones

I ate a bit too much today. And the fucking part is that I ate cause I didn't have sth else to do.

That's baaad.. Anyway I don't know what is wrong with me I seem to clean the house every day. I guess that's a good thing.
Hmm what is new?.. well here is carnival, so I wanted to post some more photos of me like I did in the post "Kindergarden all over again" but I'm not sure I really really want to start posting photos of me here. So on Monday I'm going to through a kite!!! I haven't done this before, as my family isn't very traditional, so I'm already thrilled!! Sounds stupis, I know..


Hope you all feeling okay :)
Going to read some of your blogssss* (as many as I can actually)
I love it when we can talk through comments so plz don't hesitate to post your news below!

NO TRESPASSING.

I slept almost 14 hours. Then woke up. And started breathing deeply. Checked if I was feeling okay. I was..

I did some housework, some homework at starbucks, went to yoga class, cooked and took a long bath. I spent my day alone, trying to calm down from yesterday's crisis. I even took my pills AND my vitamins.

I want to sleep now. I am exhausted (told you the pills are no good..). Everybody is wondering how I can manage to live in this house. Well I really like it, even if it takes 62 steps to reach the door. I'm burning cals..

Tmrrw I have maths. I hate maths.

Is there a way out, somewhere??

I wanted to scream to my sister :

"HELP ME! I am sick, I feel sick, I'm not happy with my life, I'm not happy with the people around me.. PLEASE HELP ME!!"

I know I have an eating disorder. I know that. I got all the symptoms. I know that my mood changes within a second and that exhausts me and the people around me. I'm sorry about that. Too. I feel really guilty of all these.

But noone can understand. They call me spoiled. That I can never get enough. That I can't love anyone (that actually hurted). I don't know if it's true. I mean, I have never felt love, never felt I deserved any love, even from my parents.. So maybe this is the reason why I don't believe in love. I know this is wrong. I feel so guilty about that,too.

I haven't gone out in the dark since Saturday night..I was so scared then. Haven't told them what happened. Because I don't want to. But now I'm scared to walk alone. I'm just scared.

Anyway, today I was feeling dizzy, I had eaten a little but was feeling baaaad. I don't like me. I know maybe it's a bad day. But I feel I'm suffocating sometimes. And I'm not going to go and fix the fucking laptop that it's not even mine on my break. I can't stand people that are incapable of everything!
I can't stand happy people around me when I'm like this. I want to cry. I want to sleep but can't. I can't stand anymore the title "single because she wants to". I don't want to be. But I can't do otherwise. I can't feel something. I hate guys just looking at me and then noone comes to talk to me. I'm telling you I'm single so why don't you believe me? I want to feel happy, to love myself and not think every single minute about what I can't eat or who is prettier/happier than me. Listen to me, please, hear my scream. I am unhappy.

I am ashamed.

and cold.

I need a new mug.

English II lesson today..haha wtf? ..you think I can't speak english? arrogant ppl really piss me off! okay, I'm a little shy to speak english in front of 50 other students but that doesn't mean I don't know how to. Please.
Anyway I believe that picture of me I posted wasn't very nice after all.. I liked it though, that's why I posted it for you to see.. Well I picked that one cause my face isn't clear, for obvious reasons. We have sth like a caRniVal here so I wore that huge flower on my head, little silly I guess :)

My intake today was okay.. I had lots of tea and a small veggie burger..oh and some cheese.

xoxo

Kindergarden all over again..

As I am making a supermarket list, I never go there without my small paper, I'm thinking I haven't been loyal to my goal.. it makes me sad, because I tend to be so disciplined but I seem to loose it somewhere I don't know.


So tmrrw is Monday. Monday is never good day to start a diet. That's why I'm not starting a diet. I'm starting a new lifestyle. It sounds funny to me, too. Thin equals perfection, but not the opposite, I know that now.
Tmrrw starts the new semester, oh, and I've passed 4 out of 6 but not all with good grades.. I will be rather busy daily, cause I plan to study every day and attend all classes. I have lessons at morning and afternoon so I will have to eat with my friends at uni. I don't like that much, but they know I only eat meat/fish with salad there.
So I will eat lunch. Only. Morning coffees, jasmine/oolong tea, kiwi and cheese are what I am allowed to eat as extras. Chocolate seems to destroy my plans so it's allowed once a week in order not to miss that much.



Tmrrw is an important day for me. Personal issues, family stuff, hope it goes okay.
Tell me what you think of that photo :)

21 followers!! Oh, I was waiting so long for this!!

This number is my lucky number, my nameday number, my birthday number, my dad's nameday and birthday number and some other things that have affected my life.
I'm glad that there are indeed some ppl that may read my blog, and I want to thank you for that.. I'm happy you understand me and I do my best to understand and support you :)
s t a y . s t r o n g . g i r l s *

Interior Designer? now that's odd..

Just a little update for you.. I am feeling well, sleeping a lot and visiting some friends (most girls) that wasn't able to catch up with at xmas. We had a lot to talk about since almost everyone is at a new situation since we last talk. Unfortunatelly I won't be able to see them all as it is still exam period..

I had coffee and oreos this morning. Four of them. Damn.. Back to my home my supermarket basket contains yogurt, tea, fitness bars and fruits. Cookies and stuff are unofficially not allowed to my kitchen. But here is a whole different story. Luckily we are a family that has always lived on a healthy diet, my dad grows his own vegetables as his hobby so we're fine. But as all normal families, sweets are always in the upper cupboard and I know where to find them.. Not happy about this.

So I'm thinking about re-opening my facebook account. Since my friends study all over the world and everyone uses facebook -and I mean everyone- I'm thinking I should do that. I just can't handle some ppl. They would be like "oh,now she has a fb account!" and I'm thinking I had an account long before they didn't know how to operate a laptop. But as I've said I'm trying to be a better person.

I also feel like swimming.. haven't thought about it for a while, but have been a pro back to my school. Sometimes I regret that I stopped training now that I see all the medals in my room..

I think I created a hybrid.. *

If I had to live here all the year, I think I would be miserable and fat. Okay, maybe I would be miserable because I would be fat but oh, well.. Either way I'm glad I only come here to visit my family and my friends :) I know I've missed them, I realised they miss me too, but they try to feed me all the time. I cannot handle this..

When my mom saw me at the airport she was looking me really weirdly and I freaked out a bit. I know I haven't lost sooo much weight since I last saw her, but you can never know, my mom understands everything.. Luckily she told me that my face seems prettier and more relaxed, I told her that this is because I started yoga twice a week and that was it. Of course I look prettier with one kilo less. I mean duh!! My cheekbones appear more and I'm planning to make them even prettier,but only you know how :P

Oh, starbucks here is like a celebration to me.. I love starbucks, it's like a lifestyle to me and I'm so glad my island has 4 of them!! I'm not the bitch than runs around with a grande latte in her hands though.. Today it reminded me of my school years when I knew almost every barista that had worked in these 2 stores that are in my area. Latte here is much much better and me and Nicole have shared some many serious and some really not converastions. Nicole -let me remind you- is one of my best friends and now we are sort of thinspo buddies. Of course I wouldn't let her know about my ED -always the healthy way, as I'm having these health problems..

Every time I go home I become pretty serious ..

I smell snob everywhere..