Is there a way out, somewhere??

I wanted to scream to my sister :

"HELP ME! I am sick, I feel sick, I'm not happy with my life, I'm not happy with the people around me.. PLEASE HELP ME!!"

I know I have an eating disorder. I know that. I got all the symptoms. I know that my mood changes within a second and that exhausts me and the people around me. I'm sorry about that. Too. I feel really guilty of all these.

But noone can understand. They call me spoiled. That I can never get enough. That I can't love anyone (that actually hurted). I don't know if it's true. I mean, I have never felt love, never felt I deserved any love, even from my parents.. So maybe this is the reason why I don't believe in love. I know this is wrong. I feel so guilty about that,too.

I haven't gone out in the dark since Saturday night..I was so scared then. Haven't told them what happened. Because I don't want to. But now I'm scared to walk alone. I'm just scared.

Anyway, today I was feeling dizzy, I had eaten a little but was feeling baaaad. I don't like me. I know maybe it's a bad day. But I feel I'm suffocating sometimes. And I'm not going to go and fix the fucking laptop that it's not even mine on my break. I can't stand people that are incapable of everything!
I can't stand happy people around me when I'm like this. I want to cry. I want to sleep but can't. I can't stand anymore the title "single because she wants to". I don't want to be. But I can't do otherwise. I can't feel something. I hate guys just looking at me and then noone comes to talk to me. I'm telling you I'm single so why don't you believe me? I want to feel happy, to love myself and not think every single minute about what I can't eat or who is prettier/happier than me. Listen to me, please, hear my scream. I am unhappy.

I am ashamed.

and cold.