Almond shaped eyes

So, okay, I've been bad in too many ways. Haven't studied in a while, haven't been looking after my karma and saying mean things and on top of all I have been eating all this shit. Birthdays should really be celebrated with drinks only. Don't invited me over for stupid chocolate fondue and then force me to eat everything else besides pineapple and banana. I will feel uncomfortable and I will get moody.
Luckily someone suggested tequila shots so I had three that got me back to normal. So okay, who's wondering what the fuck am I doing, since I am on allergy treatment? Yeah, that didn't stop me and by night I had again a major red spots incident. Stupid me.

I woke up feeling shitty and fat. No, first fat and then shitty. Black coffee with caramel aroma, 0 calories, was the first thing I made. Friday starts my killer diet. I decided I will call it "no budget-kick ass transformation". It will basically consist of runs at the old harbour, YouTube work out videos and lots of salad and protein.
No more 100 euro Pilates classes, no more take out restaurants. Just saving money for summer holidays and shopping. The first thing I am going to buy will probably be this. It smells really nice on me, but I am kinda worried it's a very ..mature scent for me. Any thoughts? I am also saving for a major wardrobe transformation but I will talk more about it next week on my other blog. Stay tuned!!

oh, with the boy things are going pretty slow. I don't know if it's because of the exams, because he's very shy or cause I keep saying stupid stuff, but I hope he really makes a move at the right time. It's really frustrating to be afraid of yourself messing up- and I am so freaking much.

xxx

She exhales vanilla lace

So I am okay. Apparently I had an allergic reaction that was either caused by something I ate or by stress. I am not sure, but I'm guessing the second one? Stress has been following me lately, with all these earthquakes every day and the exams. I don't scare easily with an earthquake but having small ones every day really affects my mood. I took some pills for the allergy, a body milk for the red spots and I think I am all well :)

In other news, exams will be over on Thursday. Like, finally.
I got so tired so soon in 2012, but I'm still keeping an optimistic attitude.

Everything.just.wrong.

Okay, yes I'm fucking living in a tv drama. After the earthquake (because everything eslse wasn't enough), yesterday morning finds me, E and KS at my place, study time. But E had other plans, she wanted to know every detail of me and KS going for drinks with the boys on Wednesday. Her ex was there, damn. It was so difficult to explain that we really don't give a fuck about him being there. We had a great time though.
I am balancing between two guys right now, two best friends, and this is such an unstable thing to do. They commented on the fact that I have not eaten once while we're out together. I ignored them, even when they gave me the fork and demanded I tried the chocolate pie. I refused and continued with my wine.

So, back to yesterday, E cried, then KS cried and I was just staring at the floor going round and round on my desk chair. We are in such a good mood now, aren't we?? I started to feel so awkward, and my body was filled with red spots, just to make things worse. I don't know what this is, but it hasn't left yet and everything feel itchy. I'm using a medicine that I found but oh, do I need any more problems right now?

So, yeah like Seth, I am also having an allergic reaction to the universe. Sweet.

Lights

My problems came to an end -for now. This morning I did quite well on my exam and if I have passed it would mean so much. It's something that has been holding me down for a year or so, so if only I have passed..
I have really been in my own little world lately. Thinking about future relationships, studying, smoking, Skype talking. This variety of things suits me, I feel calm.
The funny thing is I'm getting so much hate lately. I am working so hard to protect my karma and I face bitterness and jealousy every day. An easy example, E is in a really bad situation right now and the fact that two of her ex's friends like me does not help. She gets invites for dinner for me and her, asks to bring me for drinks and that hurts her. I am really afraid of how immature boys can be. She's missed her exams as well. All that being said, I can't get angry at her.

New topic. Shopping. I got asked to pick some gifts from VS and I must admit I had a hard time to find something unique. I chose this bra  on the tropical punch and/or black. I don't care much for VS underwear (although I have lots) since Intimissimi is my favourite. I also want this watch, it is a bit expensive but I think I'm going to get it eventually. Shopping for me and my friends is fun again -last year I had an enormous breakdown when I wouldn't leave the house to even go to the grocery store/university/Zara.

Recovering from it, gives me reasons to smile. Some (hopefully) nice grades, shopping and a future boyfriend, seems like I can't ask for anything else. Intake has been low once again cause nausea is following me all week and I remembered my pills today so all is cool, ins't it?

Visit:
Anklets&Skulls -for style inspiration
Dark Romanticism -for more shopping!

Beware.

I can't believe January is coming to an end so soon. It's like I'm living at two universes. Currently, I am responsible for a guy's broken heart, for not passing my exams once again, for E feeling the pressure to hang around with her ex's friends and for a new guy who likes me and is soon to be heart broken as well.
This is what I do, don't call me cocky. I don't enjoy hurting people's feelings, it's just natural. The thing is I like this new guy enough to try and act normal. To try and go out on a date, try to be all nice and lovely, try to kiss him and touch him, try to sleep with him, even try to be in a relationship. Past has shown, I freak out after the "try to sleep with him" step. And then I disappear. No explanation whatsoever. I don't have one, how could I explain to others?
Sex is fine, hanging around is great but when my feelings start to wake up, I have to leave. Commitment issues? Mental disorder? You name it.

I tried to stay away from broken people, I didn't see that I had become one of them..

Unexpected

Such a weird day. Like a deja vu, only nicer. E was feeling better, so she came with me to the date and he brought two of his friends so that we go for drinks all together. We ended up drinking so much wine and then everyone came by my place. More wine, I was starting to feel sleepy at around 7 in the morning so I suggested we all sleep in. Me and E at my bed and the (two left) guys on the couch. It was rather sweet.
I enjoy so much having people staying over. I like waking up to a house with guests. Coffee was all I had in the house, no one got suspicious. I laughed so much, E was laughing too, although sleeping around friends of her ex this soon was so exhausting. She cried when they left, too soon to completely enjoy this.

She also said quite bitterly: "everyone of his friends likes you, just pick one all right?". It didn't feel as a compliment and it's not quite true. I am in such a fucked up situation. Appropriate, I would say, being that fucked up myself.
Intake today is less than 600 calories, so all is good :)

Now I have to catch up with my studying, I am so tired...

yes, her collarbones make me jealous.

It's the morning after the storm. Or was that yesterday morning? I'm not sure.. After 24 hours of self loathing and Skype typing, I've forgotten. So yeah, nights out for drinks have been made complicated too, so I cannot enjoy anything any more. Anyway, to the important stuff.

E broke up yesterday. She is in love, he isn't, in fact he demanded a free relationship, she said yes (cause she is in love), he made her happy, he made her extremely sad, and then broke up with her. Right in the middle of the exams, with everyone watching and she took all this (cause she is in love). And now she has to back herself up and face the fact that she needs to study too. Me, on the other hand -who ain't in love, obviously, and will never understand this- try to stay there for her and be a friend (I care for her, although she completely forgot about me during this love thing- but hey, she is in love, right? -before Christmas posts will give you further info).

I wouldn't have the occasional "bitch" title, of course, if tonight I wasn't supposed to go on a date with his friend. I like him that much to go out for drinks on a Saturday night (which is not much, but I always stay in on Saturdays). I'm not even happy for the date. I'm at the point of "okay, let's get it over with" attitude. So, yeah, now we ALL know why I'm single. Maybe cause I'm flat-mood on a mood that doesn't serve me well. I wish I was always happy. My mother wishes that, too. My father. Everyone.

And what do I do?

0.6

Good old days are back. Last night I couldn't stop shaking. The room was so hot from the air conditioning and I was curled in two blankets but my body was not satisfied. I knew what it needed to be okay, I refused. All night I kept falling asleep cause of the study exhaustion and waking up still shaking. So weird as I had almost 1.000 calories during the day, I needed more. Tough luck. The exam went a little less than fine, but I am satisfied enough.

The weather is fascinating. From 4 Celsius degrees to 10, it has the perfect weather for layers and hot tea. I wore my silver Kurt Geiger sneakers, my new Topshop leggings with multiple shirts and cardigans in cream and purple (I didn't overdo it- I think) and I was feeling cosy and stylish. And fat, but sometimes I just want to wear what I like and fake it.

I walked a bit around town today, got a latte and listened to The Prodigy. Thinking about buying a pair of ankle boots (something like that) but I really don't know if I can pull them off. Meanwhile, I start to shake, once again...

this is what I am trying for.

1.

Drinks night, once again. So I'm having the feeling that me, E and K are becoming regular in yet another bar. It's a small town anyway, so three girls drinking and laughing is a discussion point for some. K came to study for the whole day (lunch was included, yes) and then at around midnight she had the idea to go for a drink (read two and one shot). So I called E and another guy (he likes me, but he's such a lovely person) and in fifteen minutes I was having vodka!

I got to talk with K a bit, and I have to watch my mouth. She is really concerned by the fact that I don't have much confidence (she can't understand why, lol) and then why I don't want any guy that likes me and why I am being so weird. She wants to help me. God.
I also wore my new shirt -I got it in Holly and it finally arrived. So excited about getting clothes via mail. He kept looking at me in the eyes, even when he was talking to the girls. Yes, he's weird but he is fun to hang around.
 Anyway, I just want to tell you a huge thank you for your lovely comments to my..suicidal last post (oh, you know, typical Sunday post).

Off to view Urban Outfitter's new season and study for my tomorrow's exam. Wish me luck!

Hating the days.

Fucking Sundays are back. I guess. In a really bad mood all day today.. I keep shutting out my own happiness, my chance to feel normal more than one week in a row. I say no to dates and I stay home with my fish and my mirror, in fear that people out there will judge me. But I've realised NO ONE will ever judge me as hard as I'm judging myself. It would be fucking impossible.

All of my friends have boyfriends. ALL. Not one of them seems happy though, but they have someone to talk to,  to listen, to hang out, to fuck. What do I do? I keep shutting everyone down for ridiculous reasons. I like being single, but not the way I am these past couple of years. I am disgusted at myself, ashamed at the same time.

"What's up keeping a positive thinking?" yeah, yeah.
I tried this morning. I tried really hard. And then smoked until the pack was empty and ate until my fridge was empty. Ice cream during winter, it would normally cheer me up. I won't know until I finish the carton.

everything around me makes me want to puke. is it a hormonal thing or am I just disgusted at the universe right now?

0.8

So yeah, I slept in this morning. Last night was fun! Three girls, one with blue dress, me with jean shorts and black tights and one with boots, went for drinks. Note to the bartender: makes us drunk, please. Challenge accepted, he is a friend. One of us had a major guy issue and we all have exams, those are more than enough reasons to drink, no? So, yeah, tequila- ALWAYS the answer. By the end of the night I was talking to a cat. Best discussion lately I must say..

Anyway, I am studying all day long. Human Genetics. Yesterday's exam went rather awful. (...) I have had so much water and coffee and tea and I'm going to have more of these soon. Intake: 823.
As long as I keep loosing a few grams every day, I'm happy. Once I'm done with exams I'm doing some exercise too, so summer 2012, here I come. Seriously though.

Next?

Why do I keep on waking up 15 minutes before the alarm clock turns on? I feel like such a freak... 6.23 in the morning and I just woke up to wander around the house until it's time for my exam. I really don't feel like giving a test right now. Oh, well..
Shower. I look myself at the mirror. A blurred image looks me back. It's weird, really. The hair bun is here to stay, since I'm not going out (on dates, that is) lately, so why burn my hair to stay at home? I feel like talking. This is the season I loose weight. Every year. Unfortunately on summer -September- I gain lots back, so no ones wins. But yeah, this cold and rainy weather makes me curl up with a cup of tea and don't eat until I faint. And I like this feeling. I think this time about three years ago I started feeling my ED. Maybe it was there long before, I don't really care.

So this is the time, and I am determined to look good. Because, yeah, I really don't feel nice in my body lately. That's why the dates get cancelled and that's why I am forever alone. What is so hard to understand from that?

Isn't it?

Once again, a rainy morning. I had to go outside, with a hair bun and a thousand layers of clothes to photocopy two of my (lovely) Genetics reports. Yes, we do not only have exams, we hand out reports too. Lovely, lovely, lovely...

1.1

Morning black coffee and half an avocado while listening to The XX. Sounds a promising day. Of course it's just another day when I stay in my pyjamas, with a huge book in front of me and good music. I am trying so hard to keep an optimistic side of everything and it suits me well.
Eating has been quite okay, but I'm not loosing any significant amount apart from a few grams. I'll take that anyway. In other news I have also come to terms with me staying here this free week I have on February. Maybe it's a good thing. Detox, shopping, sleeping, right? (please say right! :p)

When I don't study about enzymes, my mind goes off to tattoo designs, street style and the urge to find the perfect rings and boots. It's raining like hell three days in a row. But I love the rain, the peaceful sound and the empty streets..

Anyway, my mind wanders again so I'd better start studying before it's too late!

1.3

Good morning girls! I hope everyone has a happy week ahead of you to anticipate. I don't. I am having 13 chapters of Enzyme Biotechnology to look forward to, and a semester exam on Friday. Yes, semester ends after Christmas holidays so exams are starting now.

I am so powerful to make everything happen. I limited my exams to 6 (or 7) instead of 9 so I can have better chances for great grades and I am determined to work my ass off.

Food wise I'm having the same energy. Yesterday I said no to wine when I was for drinks and I said no to a caramel frappuccino. I had a fresh squeezed juice and I enjoyed it so much! I also took some photos for you :)

this is what my fridge looks like. plenty of fresh leaf salad, orange juice,

some oven cooked meat, mustard, lots of water, filter coffee and diet coke.

I decided to put an inspirational picture on my fridge. I am everyday jealous of this body and determined to reach as close to this as I can.

last night's snack which I didn't eat in the end. it will make an awesome breakfast though!but the tea was delicious.

what do YOU do to get inspired around your house, especially at the kitchen?

Fairytale music

Yesterday was one of the days when I hate myself. I don't want to see other people and don't want other people to see me. Too bad it was my last day at my hometown. Too bad it was my mom's nameday. Too bad I had so much to study- and a migraine. I was nauseous and dizzy. And grumpy.

I made everyone sad, again. They don't seem to understand why I am like this. I don't know how to explain and I'm not sure I want to find a way to. I hope they can forgive me for being the way I am, seeing them like this makes me hate myself even more. I'm sorry.

Saturday morning, and after severe turbulence, I am home with my heave bags and full stomach. Not that I've eaten something yesterday, but I'm so full of the holiday dinners. I think mom understood that thin makes me happy. She told me that she will support my decision to loose 5 kilos until summer. Either that or she thinks I'm so fat. She is afraid that if she lets me do this, I won't stop. I am afraid of that as well, but it's not her choice really.

I am cutting flour out of my life. I am starting fresh with so much veggies, lean meat and sprays of olive oil (if I find this gadget that sprays oil) that will give me enough nutrients to live well. I got avocados and eggs from the grocery store and I have some dried fruit for sugar panic attacks.

2012, bring it on

(barbara palvin omg)

*oh, and Urban Outfitters, could you please speed up my delivery order?

I can't wait to show you!!

Enough.

I try. Honestly. I try not to let (the bastards) get me down. I try not to eat. I try to study. And I try not to listen to my mom's rambling. So all this trying gave me (what else?) a headache. And a sad feeling. And a loss of any confidence I had yesterday. I am sad again. Fuck it.

Two days and I'm out of here. All January I will be unable to get busy with my crazy stuff cause of the exams. Then, when they finally end, I will lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling. My plan was to travel to London. Get a tattoo. Visit Tate Modern. Or go to Paris. I've never been to Paris before. But no. I will stay in put and study all over again. Just as well.

2012. I will be own my own for my self. I know what's best for me and family times just aren't. I need to get headache pills again. Who wants to spend Easter Holidays with me?

Anklets & Skulls, this is where we'll travel to.

pack your bags.

we are out of here.

Sweet dreams, lovelies ..

It's 3 in the morning. I should be finishing my Human Genetics studying by now and go to sleep, instead I just got back from drinks with friends at a very nice place. I wore my black dress and my urban outfitters lace-y tights and I was feeling stylishly FAT. *urban has sales and I couldn't help myself but ordering three things that had caught my eye since November. super excited for the delivery day. photos promised.

I've taken the time to think what I really want from my life right now. Three things came up. One, to pass my exams, two, to find a boyfriend and three, to have thinner legs/arms and a flatter stomach. All three are fixable, but let's start from the end (something I usually do).

I've sent an email to a dietician. Yes, I'm desperate like that. I'm not going though, no one is going to help me get this thin, plus I always want to achieve my goals on my own. It was a weak moment. I haven't even gotten a reply though.

As from Monday, I'm cutting flour (bread, rice, pasta, etc) out of my life. I'm filling my fridge with vegetables, meat, cheese and dairy and I'm allowing one cheat day once. For a month. I've seen that it works. Being 56 kilos by Easter holidays- pretty doable.

Making things happen. The most accurate resolution ever.

check my Tumblr, too :)

Happiness is all i wish for, no?

Okay, sure. Happy new year, happy birthday to anyone who was born on a day like this, and all that stuff. Oh, how wishes and fake smiles tire me! Yesterday was a quiet day, spending much time in a car and drinking three types of tea. Those were my highlights, but when you decide holidays are family time, there isn't much else you can do. It's fine.

I'm spending the morning between a fruit-flies report and Tumblr. I decided to make a list of what makes me happy, the silly small things that can change my mood. Everytime I feel down I will return and do one of them.

A 2012 guide to everyday happiness.

nice hair and pretty underwear

a latte to go

a flat stomach

urban outfitters "sight-seeing"

a walk by the sea

a cocktail with friends at a cosy cocktail bar

a huge smile

*leave a question below, for my Q&A post

xxx