Peek.a.boo

I have to say a big thank you to Skylar for nominating me for an award! I have 4 now, you girls make me so happy! My award-post is here if you want to read it :)

Okay, since I haven't something specific to write about, I guess I have to share some thoughts.. Well, this is the deal: I feel lonely; boyfriend-wise. Because, well.. I don't have one. I don't to cry about it or something, it's just that now that spring has come I would love to have a boyfriend to go for walks by the sea or at the park. Simple things, I miss the simple ones.

If only some of you can understand how this feels: wanting someone to have feelings for, and then can't have any when the time comes OR wouldn't allow yourself to enjoy it. It has happened to me three times already, I'm hurting people I like and could possibly love because I try to push them away. Afraid that something big can happen? I am.

don't get to sad for me please.. I'm okay I just have to fix that thing I have.

Let go and live a little :)

*a happy thing! I got my driver's license :D

it's official girls!! -I have no car though, so I'm waiting for holidays to drive my parent's.*

amazing leggings?

i think so

With eyes closed. We dream.

17 days, it's impossible. AGAIN.

no, I try not to get too frustrated. Again. I'm just going to try my best for these last days. And it's not only the weight thing. I mean, a trip to NY for a girl who has only seen Europe (well, most of it though) is a BIG deal.

I'm excited. I'm also happy that each of these last three years I have set one big goal at my wish list and it has been achieved! I am nervous though that something will go wrong at the last moment. Fingers crossed it will be ah-mazing!

Of course shopping is a first! Dresses, bikinis, shorts, t-shirts, shoes, sandals and more shoes! I really want a "NY hearts ME" tee. Does anybody know if I can find one easily?? I want something more than the NY hearts ME shirt (although I love that too). Oh, and you know what else I want for the summer? A white scarf with black skulls (Alexander McQueen like) and a cross ring. Yes I think for this summer I'm going rock n' lace! (..even if the two don't match really).

And there is a plan, yes! Up to 600 cals per day, 4 times gym, one spinning class. And lot's of smiles and happy faces!

Cause spring has come :D

So many stars in my sky

I haven't received an award for so long so I was really happy to read that 3 lovely girls gave me the "Versatile Blogger Award"! So thank you so much Almost.Skinny, Anafly and A.beautiful.mess. It means so much to me :)

So I assume I have to list seven things about me..

(1) I don't believe in love but I somehow believe in magic. So if someone can prove to me that loving someone is magical, then I might believe in love too. For now feelings and emotions are locked in a secure place far far away. Yes I know that's crazy.

(2) My lucky number is 21. Lots of things have happened at the 21st and I always choose this day/number for special things. Dirty detail: my first time of you-know-what was at 21st of some May :p

(3) I love Christmas lights. I have them in my bedroom and living room all year round. They are so lovely!

(4) I hate orange. I freaking hate this colour! I like oranges (fruit) and orange juice, but I don't want this colour on my stuff OR on others. It makes me sick.

(5) I tend to think too much. When I think about something unpleasant then something else comes along on my mind until I panic and feel my head burning and about to explode. This can happen 4-5 nights of every week. It really exhausts me.

(6) People say that I become a different person when I smile, that my whole face can change. I have noticed it's true. I can also change so much if I let my hair loose. It's like two different persons and that is weird (does it matter that I'm a Gemini? I have no idea). I am really moody though, so I can't actually pick what is best for me.

(7) I love to spin round and round until I get dizzy! right now I'm spinning at my desk chair but what I really love is to spin around in the rain when no one is around to see my awful wet greasy hair!!

I hope you liked the above list and got to know me a little better now :)

Now PLEASE don't make me choose 10 out of 340 people! Don't make me do this! I want to give this award to anyone of you who read any post of mine and thought:

"oh, I can totally relate, I wish we could somehow meet and have a conversation like friends over a big cup of tea"

cause I have thought of this so many times while reading your posts!

Love you all *

OH!

Omg girls, I'm reading my last post over and over again and simply cannot see where it all came from! When did I EVER said I'm counting in lbs? Of course I am 57 KILOS. (and NOT loving it)

So, please don't start an argument based on false notes. Isabelle is right, I would be dead at 25 kilos and I have never desired that number. EVER.

Please oh please think wisely.

I'm not trying to kill myself. If I wanted that I would make it with an easier (and faster) way.

I was so happy reading the comments about people giving me awards (three award notes in one post?!) but the last ones made me so sad..

It's not fair to make this post an award one.

So an award post is coming next. I'm sorry.

Surprise! *

Busy day, busy day..

but I'm all excited because today I'm meeting my sister at our hometown's airport. Yes, I'm going home for 5 days. But shhhh! cause it's a secret! See.. my mom has her birthday this weekend so me and my sister decided to surprise her and go home with a cake today :D

I hope it all goes well I really want her to like it! Given the fact that my sister works out of the country and I study on an island, I believe she wouldn't expect it at all!

So I'm packing a small bag to have it with me on the plane so I won't have to wait cause my sister comes an hour earlier. Oh, this is going to be so good! I'm really looking forward to it.

But first I have a lab I must attend. So I'm going with my bag to university. Yeah, more weird looks please! I will definitely let you know how it went!!

In other news, my scale today showed 56.5

it's going down, people! Although tonight's cake worries me.. Oh, I also went for shopping on Tuesday. I got some new water glasses from Zara Home (so lovely!) and a bag and a black shirt from Strandivarius (I promise pictures, you have to see the bag, I love it!).

So as you can see I am in a good mood today. Thank you so much for supporting me with your beautiful comments on my previous post. I got to run now!!

I love you. :)

Leave it.

Haven't posted for a while.

And yet I find the worst moment to do so. Oh, I feel so awful right now. Seriously, if I had a hole in my house I would lay there and cry until I starve myself to death. Mixed feelings. Sadness with anger and pathetic-ness.

I push myself too much. Being perfect, having friends, proving to my parents everything is perfect without me trying at all.. What the hell? I have done such a bad thing to myself. I don't need anyone to fill me with guilt and make me feel bad about myself, I'm doing it just fine on my own. So please. I don't beg for friendship. I don't care how many friends I have. Cause no one can care about you at the end. And I don't look for love, either. So I am alone. Surrounded by all this people in this smoky bar filled with people I know. I stare at the ground and wish for something to make me leave and never come back.

Honestly.

[Scale today: 56.8

Days till NY? 31 ]

I took two of my valerian pills just to be able to sleep.

I promise tmrrw I will make a happy post. It's shopping day anyway, I hope I find something that fits.

Goodnight.

Snow.

It really pisses me off when Youtube isn't working along! I am just looking for Depeche Mode's "Free Love". But no, I don't want a remix, I want the real deal. Why is it so hard to find?

I went to a spinning class this morning. Wow. It was absolutely amazing! I found some difficulties though, and I got all sweat and tired but I will surely do this again.

My intake is high today, approximately 1200 calories.. I went to the supermarket today so I always binge on the food I have bought. I could never shop a week's worth of food just cause I'll end up eating them all in one afternoon.

Apart from the tissue box, everything else came from the organic corner. I decided if I am going to eat I have to do it the healthy way. So I took organic cereals, whole-wheat pasta and organic mushrooms and tomatoes. I shouldn't have bought pasta, but it's better to cook my own thanhave delivered. Restaurants always put oil/butter and the sauce has so many chemicals. It's difficult to convince them I don't need the shredded cheese too. CALORIES, PEOPLE!

Anyway I'm rambling, I'm not supposed to. In a week I'm going for shopping. I have money to spend, I must buy pretty things, right?

So time for action.

last pieces of winter my way..

This is a tea post .

So neverfit asked what types of tea I like. The truth is that I like drinking in general. I mean even when I was little I used to drink all things I could find. I once drank four bottles of my cousin's syrup medicine. Yes my mom found me at the bathroom's mirror playing "bar" and made me throw up everything. Anyway I feel I'm getting off the topic..

So I have a tea cupboard. It is filled with boxes of every Lipton flavour, Oolong from a cute shop at London, some strawberry-red fruit flavoured tea from Rome. I love those tea shops whenever I'm abroad. They always have the coolest owners and nicest decorations and tea cups.

Oh! and thank you Belle for your nice comment!

You made me smile :)

Saturday night.

I really wanted to make a post so let's just point out some random facts cause I'm a bit tired.

1) I started biting my nails again. It's awful, I wish I could stop it, let them grow back nicely and have a dark purple manicure.

2) My days are full. I did it. But somehow I still manage to think about crazy stuff. At the bus stop, during class, around people.. I can really get distracted so easily. Working on it though.

3) My collarbones started to show a bit more. I'm still 57. Ugh. I want chest bones though.

4) I think about having a boyfriend. I think I want one. Not sure though, I don't want to hurt someone and then hurt myself. I still can't express love, I cannot feel it, I feel repelled from affection. So I have some doubts about a boyfriend in case it turns to a serious one. Fine, call it fear if you want.

5) I want some alcohol. I can't have any for the last three days as I'm getting 3 pills a day for an infection I have. I can have a drink again on Wednesday, I'll wait till then..

*any random questions I'll be happy to answer

have a lovely night*

meet Freja,

I love her.

Coffee makes everything better.

Why is it so damn difficult to get all my papers ready for the lifeguard diploma? I can't seem to understand. Anyway maybe it's for the best, maybe I actually reach 56.5 by then. At least.

Skipped morning class today. Oops! I had a costume party last night which was kinda weird. But went anyway. I wore an oh!-so-red long wig with a purple headband just to stand out from the Hawaiians, the Indians, the not-dressed ones, the babies, the witches and the fairies etc.

The DJ was dressed as Jesus. That was new!

And everyone kept asking me if the hair was real. Seriously? Or maybe I was blonde? I'm a brunette, people! So many people I haven't met before and yet it was a class party. I guess I don't spend much time with these people, oh never mind.

So I had a cup of red wine and half of Smirnoff North. Not bad..not bad.

Actually it was enough to start singing and maybe (maybe) a little dancing.

It was good overall.

fun? it was fun too. but don't loose focus

I need this. have a wonderful day*