At-home post

I am finally at home for the holidays. My parents are here, my sister came as well, and we are a happy family all together. I haven't met with my sister since Peru (that trip was 6 months ago), so I was so happy to see her at last!

So, first things first; hair. I had my hair cut and coloured yesterday at my usual salon by the sea. I decided to leave my light brown ombre for the winter, and get a darker colour. Much darker. I am happy with the result, although I may seem even more bitchy now, to some. Anyways, this will last me until May, enough time to master the 'tough biker chic' look. Ha.

The other hot topic, the boy. (this section has some..adult content) As I have already mentioned, at my conference trip I met a guy and we liked each other very much. We don't live at the same town, unfortunately, so we just kept in touch through Facebook inbox messages (I don't use chat). We chatted for everything and anything every single day and it was like we knew each other for years; he decided to stay a few more days in my home town so we could meet, before going to his for the holidays. I do have some juicy details for you all, it seems. Friday night we went for drinks at this terrace bar with a stunning view (so cold up there!) and we kissed a bit. But Saturday was the real deal. I don't want to sound slutty (although it seems inevitable) but I really wanted to have sex with him. And he did too. So after going to the movies with my family, I told them I had to go to a party, and went to his house. It was like a high school lie, oh god!
I wanted for 2013 to end in a better way in that aspect of my life, and it really did. No dramas, no attachments, we both knew we really liked each other (so that it didn't seem raw) but couldn't work a relationship out (so that it wasn't that romantic). I couldn't (and didn't want to) sleep over, so after waking up the next door's dog (it wasn't THAT good, but it was pretty good), I got a taxi, kissed him for the holidays (and forever in general) and I went home.
I think this is the most adult situation I have ever been in. We are both aware of the situation. I mean, if he comes earlier from his holidays we could meet again, but if he doesn't (he probably will tho) it's fine as well. We both know that if we lived closer, that could end up in a relationship. But there's no point in starting a long distance one. No point at all.

Although I will post again, Merry Christmas to anyone that celebrates it! To all the others, enjoy the holidays :)
xx

Life Update

I've been feeling weird again.

I tried to make a blog post couple of times this weekend, but I just couldn't come around to write something. Maybe it's because I was getting my period four days earlier than expected (thank god to that, keep reading) and I wasn't prepared for the period moodiness. Usually by the third day the grumpy hormones settle down and I can be a normal (?) person again. So hopefully tomorrow is the day.

Tomorrow morning is pretty packed. Today I had three hours of classes and then visited my old lab to help decorate this year's Christmas tree. I am very happy they didn't forget about me :)

Tomorrow, as I was saying, I've got an early class and then a quick meeting with my professor from the old lab. She is the one pulling the strings to do my internship and she is also the one helping me out to choose my master's course for next year. So I have to update her in person or via email. Then I have booked a 'me' time in a beauty salon -because no one was available to join me, apparently. I will have some waxing to be done and a Shellac manicure for the holidays. I picked a new place, mostly because of the low waxing pricing and the black and white interior. As for the mani colour, I am thinking a dark red or deep cherry.

On Wednesday I fly home and I can finally give in to some Christmas spirit, until I start revising for my finals on late January. I will also go out with the 'last night guy' if you guys remember him. He was the guy I met during my conference trip? Yeah, we've been talking every day now and he is staying a little bit longer so we can meet (he's going to his home town as well). He told me something about a party at his place, so I will let you know if there will be any kinky details (*typing while laughing at myself*).

this is pretty cool

but I wouldn't go into all this trouble for a manicure

Another New In

I can't help it. I know I should sit the fuck down, make some savings, start studying my ass off and all that, but I want to go for shopping. So I do.

It's not that I am spending much money, but now is not a good time to spend much money on yourself just for the heck of it (there's gonna be christmas presents, manicures, drinks, etc). But now it's cold outside and I feel the urge to wear pretty clothes. A long time has passed since I was liking my body this much and I feel I DESERVE some nice clothes and accs. So I do.

This week's new ins, Zara and Regal Rose.
I will say it one more time. Zara has taken (relatively affordable) fashion to another level this year. I mean, if you try you could end up with a Celine- inspired look! There's clean, fine lines, rich material, lace, and black. Lots of black!
Regal Rose is a UK jewellery (online only?) store, and I have made already two orders -and two posts here- from it. They have quite edgy pieces, but they're rings are lush! This time I had a 15% off code so I took the opportunity and got some goodies.

I strictly resisting from buying everything, and just got two items from each store. Now the jewellery will arrive on Thursday (along with my sister, I didn't want to pay 8-9 euros more for just two days earlier). But I couldn't wait to make this post so here:

I found this shirt randomly, alone in a hanger with other things. I fell in love and got it, even though it was an S size, which I almost never buy.

I saw these on their website and thought 'hey, these are a cool winter colour!'. So I tried them on, but couldn't decide if they're worth 50 euros. So I went with my friend to try them on again and at first she thought they were Michael Jackson's style :p But when I tried them on (with my total black outfit otherwise) she told me to get them hands down. I thought so, too. Size 38 (yeeeei)

This might seem simple, but since I don't wear lots of gold jewellery, I think it can be a good layering piece.  I may snap a picture when it arrives!

 We are looking at the tragus cuff here. I know, I wish the earrings were available too in this colour, but I only got the small silver triangle. I think it's very minimal, yet gives a vibe to an outfit (if you notice it, that is).

That is all for today. I am off to a meeting with a professor for masters-in-the-UK advice!!
Love you all.

Current Favourites

I decided to make a different kind of post this time. Lately I feel like I am using the right products for my skin, which is very difficult to achieve sometimes (the variety of products out there for the same thing is big!). But after reading reviews -I always do that- and taking my actual needs into consideration, I present you some of my favourite products that I use almost daily.

This is a glimpse of my desk drawer. I use it as a beauty stand, where I keep my make up bags and the stuff you see. So from the left to the right:
Victoria's Secret Noir Body Mist. I got their little black make up bag probably 6 years ago from Heathrow where they had some travel sizes of this scent. It was a sexy, interesting yet girly smell. Playful, if I had to use one word. So when I came home last week (along with the Mac lipstick fiasco) I bought the 50ml perfume and this mist. Love!
Garnier BB Cream for oily/combination skin.  I linked you the review of this product (Make up alley is SO helpful in these things). I really love this product for a daily use. I was introduced to BB creams last summer, when my sister called me super happy to tell me that there's such a product :p (she knows I love all-in-one products, since I am a minimalist in all aspects). So not knowing much about these creams, I got the one she told me. Idealia BB cream from Vichy. it's a nice product coverage-wise but it did leave me my skin shiny. With the Garnier one I am super happy!
Benefit POREfessional . My holy grail. This is maybe the best 'discovery' I have made for my make up. It basically is a primer that gives a mat effect to your skin (10/10) and minimises the pores (6/10). I bought my second tube long before my first one was gone. It lasted me about 4 months with everyday use so it's good value for money, in my opinion.
Apivita Hand Cream with mastic and balsam oils. The perfect care for your hands during winter.
Urban Outfitters Fig and Pear scented candle.  This smells so good! Even though it is such a small candle, and I am afraid to lit it in case it finishes (lol) it smells lovely just leaving the case open! I would buy it again and again.
Toni and Guy Cleanse Dry Shampoo. My latest purchase. I had run out of my Batiste one, and since it is not available in my country to repurchase, I got of of the next best things. It has a very fresh smell and using it only once, I can say I like it- not as much as my Batiste though.

Jewellery-wise, I got my rose gold Michael Kors watch and my silver rings that I got from Asos, random clothes boutique and NYC.

That's about it!
Please comment below if someone has tried these products and your opinion, as well as your most favourite current beauty item!

xx

'Business' trip

I guess it's time to write down my memories from the symposium. So let's start from the top. Me and my uni friends decided to attend a Neurobiology meeting, one hour away by aeroplane, 7 hours by boat. Every one of us travelled differently, but we all managed to be there on time.

I had two days off so I took the chance to visit my family, get my bikini and legs laser(ed) and catch up with some friends.

Day 1- arriving
I went for drinks with my male friend, telling him to 'surprise' me with the location. So he did! We went to this underground alternative bar where it also happened to be a live this night! I was such a sucker for this, and even though I had to drink beer, I had an amazing night. The two bands were great and the place was such a great break from my usual ones down here.

Day 2- thursday
I had my beauty salon appointment and then went with my best friend to Wagamama for my favourite pad thai. We talked uni, relationships and random stuff and then rushed off to Zara and H&M, where I got this amazing cardigan (in black marl). Then I spent some quality time with my family and got ready for the symposium.

Day 3- first day of symposium
I woke up so freaking early to get to the train and travel one hour from my house to the event. I met my girl friends there and we all registered happily. It was a long day, with speeches and coffee breaks and got home really late and so tired.

Day 4- saturday
Same routine to get to the symposium, got there an hour early and drank a cappuccino all alone.. When the lectures were over, we all headed to my friends house for dinner. I ate so so much, but it was so good that I don't even feel bad about it. (Oh, and several people commented on me having lost so much weight, I feel like achieving a long desired goal!) At night, we got together for drinks in this molecular cocktail bar -interesting!- where one of my friend's boyfriend came bringing some of his friends.
And then there was him. A very cute but beautiful guy, wearing nice clothes. We all introduced to each other, and I couldn't be more relaxed -after the first drink. I didn't even think of getting to know him better (I don't know why) but we spent the rest of the night talking, laughing and making every one on the table wondering. I had to leave early though, Sunday was the last day of lectures, so even though he told me not to leave so early, he didn't ask for my number or anything. Leaving it at that, it was a happy surprise to meet someone that interesting to me.

Day 5- sunday
Last day of the symposium, not so interesting topic-wise. I had lunch with my family and then had a nap to make up for all the lost sleep during these days. So when I woke up, I found a Facebook request from the last-night guy! Where did he find me, as we had no common friends. I didn't ask though, I was happy enough that he tried to find me that it didn't matter. Sadly I was leaving early the next day, so we could not meet. We decided to meet for drinks when I get back. I went to Starbucks for a last chit chat and then visited my aunt and uncle.

The trip was ending and I was smiling the whole 5 days. Now that's what I call success.

C Monday

It's Monday and I am back home. Catching an early morning flight is always a nightmare, especially if you live far away from the airport and you haven't really slept for four days. But what tops the nightmare is the early class you have to attend once you set foot on the ground. I managed to manage everything, including a mobile check-in (that was very high tech of me, a mobile boarding pass and a carry-on, I am like a businesswoman- not!

What I failed to accomplish is correctly buying my first Mac lipstick! Yes, this is a thing. The plan was to replace/dupe my two favourite lipsticks with Mac ones. She was oh-so helpful and we found the perfect shades!
Of course me without coffee and a sleep deprived mind, I didn't double check the actual tubes so of course I ended up with two reds (as opposed to one red and one light pink). The problem is that the wrong one is a classic red and I don't think that even suits me at all. So, to save the situation (and 15,80 euro), and because I cannot return it in-store, this will go into my sister's Christmas gift box! Sounds like a nice present, right?
Luckily I remember the name of the shade I didn't get (Faux) so I will double check it on my next flight, which is like 16 days away.

I feel like this will be a longer post than I intend to, so I will probably update you on my trip on the next post. Don't miss it! (hint: neurobiology symposium, drinks, shopping, a band and a new boy)

I cannot express my love for this photo, I don't know why. I feel like everything falls into place. xx

What's in my conference suitcase?

Tomorrow I am flying back home to attend a neurobiology conference. It actually starts this Friday, but me not having any classes Wednesdays and Thursdays, I took the opportunity to take two days off of everything and meet some friends!

I used my miles for the tickets and I am taking a carry-on with me, so I had to pack very lightly.

this is everything I am taking for 5 days.
I know it's shitty quality, but I had to hurry up and pack everything in. I will try and link the items so you can have a closer look if you wish. So all in all I'm taking my Pull and Bear grey coat, a denim jacket, some bras/knickers and tights, a black and a vinyl legging, my make-up bag, my foldable Wayfarers, some plain shirts, a dress, and some Topshop cardigans. On your far right you see my new Macbook Air cat sleeve, a ring, a necklace and my Michael Kors rose gold watch. I wish I could bring more shoes with me, but I'm taking my Bertie boots and my Kurt Geiger ankle zip boots.
(also shown, Urban Outfitters purple floral rug)

I think this is a good representation of my wardrobe essentials, which are my most used items anyway. I like to accessorise so I may be bringing some more jewellery.

This afternoon I will hit the Mac counter with my cousin, so maybe expect a beauty new-in post to lipsticks and stuff, and some drugstore nail polish!

I promise to keep in touch while my short trip!
xx

Coffee black, like my soul

I get proper excited for these pictures. I mean this is perfection to me. Clean, fine lines, rich material and monochrome. I don't know if it's just me, but I find this styling very interesting, even 'colourful'.

It goes so smooth for the eye, it almost lets your mind wonder. Like a clean canvas for your imagination, given with a very minimal perspective. It gives me the chills. 

I see a pattern here.

and for when you need to spice things up

(pictures from the web)

Happiness

I felt like myself on a night out after such a long time. Drinking, smiling, flirting with such confidence.

Almost 300 days since I last felt like that. Almost three years have gone by since I saw myself in the mirror like this. I felt approval from within; not caring if I am beautiful or skinny or sexy to others, I just felt right. Most of you know what I am talking about.

The most amazing feeling ever.

FINALLY

woohoooo

First time in so long since I've last seen number 5 as the first number on the scale!! 59,7 but still it's a long fight for me. The best part is that I am feeling normal (not healthy, per say, just okay) so it's a win-win!

Today is also my dad's birthday so happy birthday to him too!! I love him so so much!

So, to 'celebrate' the three down two to go, here's a tiny smile and an OOTD (outfit of the day)

shirt- H&M

black jeans- Zara

spiked necklace- H&M

lipstick- Korres in 13 'natural pink'

Weird dreams

Back when I was ill, the one indicator that I was very ill indeed was my refusal to shop. I mean, not clothes, not shoes, not even grocery shopping. Even nowadays, my mom or sister get worried when I say I don't want to shop. I vividly remember this one time when my sister gave me a huge topshop bag filled with half the store, and I simply said 'thank you, I don't want them, keep it'. I feel so bad about this to this day (of course she didn't keep them, I am wearing the pair of leggings right now).

Despite everything sucking lately, I am very well. I mean my stomach gets flatter by the day and you ALL know that is the reason I wake up smiling. Of course I have my low days, but I try to outnumber them with happy ones :)

So cold weather is here, I already got sick (no news to me) and I have the deepest urge to shop! I mean seriously, this year is all about black, minimal cuts, leather and monochrome. My style is finally in fashion, without being 'boring'. So I can be as black, edgy or plain as I like and not get weird looks. Add this on a flatter/fitter body and is just pure success!

I have my eye on this bag from Topshop, but it's on the pricier side. I have been looking for a black leather bag and this looks so me. Plain with a twist (and a zip). I will let you know whether I will 'invest' on it or not.

I also have been having these weird dreams about having a fat boyfriend with curly hair. I don't really know what that means, but in the dream I seem to be ok with it. He really looks like someone I would not be attracted to. I don't see anything sexual, it's just that I am always attracted on the athletic type of guys... anyway just mentioning it

how's everyone doing?

Monday Morning

Yesterday was the first day that it actually was cold out. Finally. I feel much better this morning, waking up to a cold morning, feels like it can take all my 'pain' away.

(explaining the 'pain')
So, 2013 was pretty much shit. I mean I will never -ever- forget this year but I have been left with so much bitterness that it's actually not healthy. Lot's of awesome things happened (travelled to Peru, fell in love, bested my work) but to balance things out some terrible ones happened too (grandma died, my heart broke twice at the same time, I was lied at, didn't graduate).

I really suffered during summer. A hectic summer with lots of work, a few more pounds and a broken heart. What more can you ask from a summer, right? I couldn't leave; escape. I really wish I could forget this summer, but it's all inside my brain, holding on strongly.

So to forget and move on, I needed at least a change of the weather. To put me in better mood with things I like: coffee, sweaters, tea, rain. And you know what? It works.

So happy week to everyone and I really wish the weather stays that way :)

p.s. I will keep posting random outfit photos/ diet updates but I don't do stats anymore. I feel there is really no point in that, as every single body is unique. Muscle weights more than fat, and there's really a difference if you have a narrow or a wide body. So complete measurements don't matter. I will state though, for the new ones, that I am 1.65cm in height and my healthy goal weight is 56-57 kilos. Oh, and this is not me in the picture, obviously!

Diet progress ramble and OOTD

Tip for a beautiful start of your day: pour filtered coffee in a mug. Add some skimmed milk and little bit of cinnamon. Stir. Drink. Smile :)

I really need to get on track with my studying, as much as I try to avoid it. I know that once I start I will continue without much effort but starting is always the difficult part. Just like my diet. It seems like yesterday that the nutritionist gave me my first weekly schedule. Now, three months later I am three kilos down (as opposed to 'one kilo per week' that was the plan). Well, I know that a fit body can't lose much fat, so you have to be more patient to see results.

I now am a full size down on pants (EU 38 and I wear them baggy) and my arms are more defined. That's what I have noticed at least. Some people have commented on me losing weight. They say it shows on my face -I believe it too.
The most important part is that I stopped taking my vitamin pills and I really don't feel any difference. I mean, I don't do cardio anymore and probably if I start I will have to take some pills, but for now I like being pill-free!

That's my outfit of the day. I have some errands to do and the weather refuuuuses to get cold. Of course you can't see the most fun part, my shoes, but that is another post I guess. Total outfit- ZARA, necklace- from Barcelona.

In the Life - my dad

I feel like I have been missing for quite a while now, although it's not long ago since I last posted -or is it? Anyway, my cousin finally found a place to stay so she's out of here (but within 5 minute walking distance) and then my parents came to visit so this is really the first time I am alone in my house for a long long time!

During my parents visit we travelled around the island and had a lot of fun. I was quite worried to be honest, because we are experiencing some problems this year. Excuse me for being a little to personal but I am so happy we had a nice time despite the situation.
Well, last year my dad's business closed for good. It was one of the most successful companies nation-wise and my father and his partner had made it from scratch. Lots of work and lots of effort made it the best company in its category in the 90s. Anyway, for security reasons I'm not going to say anymore, but all in all, the crisis affected it so much that sadly, it closed. My father got very sad at the point of depression firstly because his whole working life was shattered but also because he thought that he couldn't provide his family the life we used to have. But that doesn't really mattered to us, seeing him this unhappy was the only thing that mattered. So my mom took him to a therapist where he could talk it all out, and was given a sleeping pill just because all these thoughts inside his head were keeping him up at nights.

I get so worried when he's not okay. He is rather old- 67 years old, although he never really showed his age. Not until last year. I realised what sadness can do to you, your attitude, your face, even your posture and promised myself I will never let him see me sad (you know I get unhappy from time to time). So he came to visit me last week for the first time ever (he couldn't get out of work before) and us three had a really nice time. We went on road trips, ate nicely cooked meals, met with my friends' parents and more. I could tell he got tired easily but I am happy he did the effort and we all had nice things to remember.

Before I get emotional, I probably should end this post. It's not what I originally intended to write about, but I'm going with it.

Because I always say that I can't feel love or that I am being loved, and that I probably got this from my dad. But I feel like between me and my father it seems to be this connection that people call love.

I love you, dad.

Coffee rant

Has anyone tried blueberry scented filtered coffee? It's heaven. This is the one thing I am afraid most when I think about living abroad. They flavour their filtered coffee with syrup. I mean yes, they do have no sugar, suitable for vegans anything, but the already scented coffee is really just amazing. For a coffee addict, like me, this is an issue. I don't want to depend on soy cappuccinos alone.

Before I turn this post into a coffee rant, I sip from my flamingo mug and continue. I have a visitor; my cousin, she is a teacher, and she's living with me for a couple of days now because she was transferred to a school here and is looking for a place to stay. I hope this end soon although we are getting along much nicer than three years ago, when this was an issue again. I just think she isn't taking the house hunt too seriously and I will soon start to freak out because in a week my parents are coming to visit me as well and I can get a bit too overwhelmed by all these people in a short period of time (yes, I know it IS family).

Anyway, I don't have much to update. Oh, I sized down to Zara pants recently and that means I am losing weight. I should feel happy but I am feeling rather unimpressed lately with myself.. Although I'm having these 'ugly-feeling' days, I experimented with Photo Booth to bring you the outfit of the day. If you feel like watching some random picture of what I look like when I am writing some of the posts, please comment on it and I will gladly do it (prepare yourselves for a LOT of black though!).

top- strandivarius
tank top- Zara basic
black riding pants- Zara (old)
silver necklace- Asos men

Update: just a Macbook (Air) post

Spending a little extra cash for my New In haul didn't really prepare me for Friday... So, Friday morning I get a call, informing me that my new laptop is FINALLY in store waiting for me! Too bad I had to go to class for the whole day and couldn't go asap to get it... But classes had to end sometime so I ran to my house, changed to my all-black outfit, got my poor little netbook and charger with me, and stepped looking all professional into the store *laughs*.

Finding the store manager isn't always quite easy. You can ask the staff, the security, but everyone is afraid you might have a complaint to make, so they don't answer you directly. But oh well, the tour to the store looking for him had to end sometime. When I found him, he greeted me with a very formal handshake that made everyone in there look at me (and maybe regret the fact that they had me looking for him, when he was actually very pleased to meet me). No need to say I felt very uncomfortable. But I get the fact that he tried to make a nice first impression (don't ask).
We went downstairs to make the switch -long story short, I could also trade my netbook that I rarely use and get a pretty good discount over my Macbook.

Paying for my new Macbook Air was really painful. I mean after the first discount (again, don't ask), the second discount (trading my netbook) AND getting 50 euro store credit, it was still a huge bill to pay. But hey, this is my first post from my Macbook Air!!

This thing is so clever -once you get the hang of it because hey, switching from a PC to a Mac is NOT easy. Yesterday I almost regretted buying that "stupid shit" but now....now it's my baby. I also ordered a very cute sleeve from Ebay (that I had my eye on before even ordering my mac- pictures soon) and when that arrives and hopefully fits, I can take my laptop anywhere with me!


But really, this thing is so tiny, I am afraid I will sneeze and it'll break or something. Of course I will not be able to afford food for quite some time. I regret nothing!

Have a happy Sunday, you all.

New In

While trying not to cry over my UK trip being postponed, I thought 'to hell with saving' and did a little shopping. I know I said I would wait until November but I seriously had nothing to wear every day at uni. I mean, I looove all black outfits and I do have so many black items that I could mix and match, but I felt I was inside a loop. So I got (literally) out of my house and into the stores -yeah, I live that close to the market, I am THAT strong not to shop everyday *coughs*.

First Intimissimi. For those who live under some rock, it's an Italian lingerie brand with reasonable prices and very sexy pieces (in a classy way, not like MED oh god). I got a super push up bra, my first actually! I decided to go black, for a safer option. It's amazing! I also have the standard model in this cut and I have been wearing it non stop for almost two years.
Unlike bras, I like to update my underwear regularly. I mean I have some 'favourites', but I always try to replace some old/worn/unfitted ones. So I got three brazilian cut knickers using the 3 for less code. For the very nose-y ones, I got the colours 'blue express', 'amaranto' and 'nero'.

Then I went to the drug store, where my favourite Greek cosmetic products can be found. KORRES. I got the ultimate nourishing lipstick in 'natural pink' for healthy-looking lips (cause mine aren't) and a nail polish, which I have already put on and it's amazing. I am so thankful for Korres products, really. (pictures from the web)

Moving on, it's clothing time. While I didn't buy much, I did try on many things. The weather is still so freaking hot, so that prevented me from getting that amazing coat or new boots or (another) knitted cardigan. I got two shirts from Stradivarius, which I am not that thrilled about, but they will save me from running late in the morning with nothing to wear. One is striped with leather-looking sleeves, for a slouchy look and the other one is floral kinda-cropped top. Sadly, the gorgeous black/grey stripped cardigan I got from Zara is nowhere to be found on their website, so sorry about that. And last but not least, the dress. As seen on countless blogs, that just had to be mine. I mean a black, minimal, with lace detail and baggy kind of look dress? It was destiny. (picture from Zara.com)

What do you think of my purchases and what was your favourite? Also, what have you been shopping lately?? I wanna know!
kisses,
annamaria *

Updated Tuesday

It's almost been four days now that my apartment has no water. When you live at an old-ass building in the center of an old town chances are the pipes, the windows, the walls are waaaay old. Almost like they're telling you a story. Well the story I've been listening to these 4 days goes like this:

'guess what, STILL no water. pee wisely'

I mean this has happened before. I know how to bathe myself through plastic bottles of water better than painting my nails. But my clean tea cups were running out and that's where I draw the line! Anyway, today they fixed the damn problem so I think by this evening I will also have hot water (amen to that).

I had a visitor last night. A friend of mine who is doing his military training this semester came back for some days so he came over and we talked about everything over (some glasses of) wine. I missed him, really. We were cuddling on the couch and talked about travelling and stuff. I haven't done this in such a long time.

But this caused me a huge headache the morning after, having to be at university at 9 in the morning, looking absolutely ridiculous and in NO mood for talking. 

Of course you can all guess what happened when the class was over and I was one step closer to leaving the sight of the earth looking this dumb, relieved I survived. 

I bumped into my ex. YES. And we talked and got the bus home together and everything....

Cause that's JUST the way it goes. So, thank you, universe, I couldn't have been hotter or cuter or AT LEAST with even eyebrows. I get the irony. Really.

Untitled.

candles
wine
blank

(I'm editing this post soon, stay around)

the 1975

I am sitting on my bed looking at this blank white e-page about five minutes now. My mind is scattered in all the places today. I've been feeling like this a while now.

Don't get me wrong, I am fine. More fine than some people would ever hope to be. My uni schedule is fitting perfectly to my needs, my body is seriously de-bloated and I've already gotten some compliments (although I don't see weight loss on the scale), I don't get dizzy any more and I am planning a trip to the UK (yes, again) with my girl friends in November.

So why is my mind flying away from all this? I've thought of an explanation. While being in overdrive mood and constant stress for a whole year now, I brutally stopped all this and now I don't quite know how to handle it. In short, 'I don't know how to be calm and healthy'. I am surely enjoying it at times, but it will take quite some time to settle in. I'll wait.

On another note, I have ordered a Macbook Air. I really can't explain why I did that. I mean, I've never owned a Mac before and I never thought of switching from a PC to a Mac. But my laptop has been acting weird for a year now, two formats didn't quite work and I am getting tired of dragging it around -you all know how I like to study at coffee shops. So I decided, back in July, that I needed a new laptop. Money isn't an issue really, I mean I have savings that allow me to be semi-independent in my every day life.
In my family, my parents were all about savings. I was raised with a motto that if you work hard, you get rewarded. It wasn't about grades, it was all about committing to a job. So my parents raised me without the idea of being spoiled, rather with the one that good things come to those who work their asses off. And I stand by that even today.
So having money in the bank does not mean I qualify (by my mottos) for a new Macbook and some new clothes and a new pair of shoes, etc. It means that IF I am in need of a new laptop, I can get the best one that meets my needs (those being the portability, the screen quality, even my fashion standards- why hide, a Macbook is a fashion statement as well). So yes, in a couple of weeks I will be all confused about how a stupid Mac works, but I'm sure I will love it once I get tha hang of it!

I have been listening to this quite a while now. I like it.

Life Update no2

I can't tell you just how much I adore October right now. It's always been a blah month for me really, because nobodys birthday was during October, school had already started and it was really already a routine for me.

But I just got back from my 'vacation'. Nothing crazy as I went to visit my parents, but it was a much needed week off of everything. Days at the beach, tanning, playing cards, eating and family chatting. I went to visit some of my home town friends, too. Being strees free is showing on my face (that and the 2 kilos off). But now I'm back to my place, getting ready to start everything over again, with a little less speed this time.

First is my diet. The nutritionist is coming tomorrow to give me my new weekly plan. I'm ready to drop to see the '5' again on my scale. Like, SO ready. I promised myself I'm not buying any clothes until I see 57.something and I'm sticking to it.
Then, uni lessons start. On Monday that is, and I want something to keep me away from home. It's a weird feeling, last year I was on campus 10-6 and now that lab work is over, I have aaaaall this time in my hands and I must force myself to be productive. I have all these essays as well that need to be done.

Now that is sweater weather I think I smile a lot more. People don't give me these weird looks like on summer, when I was wearing a cardigan at the hottest days- yeah, it's like a security blanket, what are you gonna do.

I'm feeling so inspired by pictures around the internet, whether it's interior design, or 'thinspo', or even random ones. I will keep posting Updates, if you feel like reading them :)

kisses

Life Update (uni, diet, shopping)

Saturday already and I am counting the days until Thursday, secretly hoping everything goes well. I have my two exams that are super important to pass and will form my next year, so I kinda need all the luck I can have (along with plenty hours of studying).

My diet is going well, I suppose. I am really giving this whole healthy eating- healthy losing thing a chance. I am not dizzy anymore and I have lost two kilos in two weeks. Me and my dietitian talked and she asked me about my goal, because I believe deep inside she knows I am sort of disordered in that matter. I told her the truth, that my (first) goal is hitting 56 kilos. That is, 5 kilos down.
I just want to feel pleased and confident about myself, right? To gain my body back, because two years now it didn't feel like I owned my body- harsh, I know. So if 56 is a good point for me, yes I'll stop. I really don't want to play these ED games anymore... But, we'll see about that in a month or so, that I will hopefully reach 56-57.

I also did some shopping (finally!!). My Asos packages never really arrived over summer, but the guys over there were more than helpful and replaced everything for me. So I got this Cheap Monday jumpsuit, a pack of rings to layer (two or three at a time), an awesome pair of ankle boots and a Utility Jacket that will be helpful for fall. Now I just need an H&M and a Sephora when I will visit my hometown, and I will be ready for the new semester!

Really in love with Jessica Heart's style.

Both formal and informal, she's got it.

Diet-rambling

I haven't had a rambling post on here for aaaages, it feels. So I woke up a little chatty today, so there you go.
It's Wednesday morning, and I've already been three days on the nutritionist/diatitian diet. It's okay, I have lost 600 gramms (a little more than half a kilo that is) and my stomach has seriously de-bloated. I try to follow the timelines and the quantities although at lunch I eat a liiiiittle bit more, I think.
It's nothing too serious, I don't weight my food before I cook it -let's not be so uptight- and she has realised that I just need to be back on track. I am already feeling better and stronger with myself.

I got lost this summer. Well, I didn't even realise it was summer because of all the work that's why I am so relieved it's September already! August left me with a blunt feeling, that I can't do anything really. I was so tired of the laboratory and trying to succeed there (which I did) that I felt that I can't study anymore, nor can I lose any weight. It's almost how I was back then.. Feeling you are inside an ill situation, and cannot realise that things can change. Luckily, this time I didn't end up in the hospital.
Losing the weight, keeping my meal hours and waking up with a flat stomach (and so fucking hungry may I add) is giving me the power I needed. ED-like, but with milk, honey, meat, everything I need to keep my body functioning AND lose the weight. Now that's a deal!

I have kept it a secret from my friends though. Why? Because it's something so personal for me, talking about food. My mom and my sister know, and my mom is very happy about me making this (healthy, for a change) decision. I feel like when you put a problem out there people believe it's something to be discussed any time. So no, I don't to talk about my eating, my weight, my goals. I told my lovely landlord -she gave me the dietitian's number, her daughter is overweight and she's making some progress- and she told me she thought I wanted the number for a friend or something. When I told her I want to lose 6 kilos she was so surprised and asked if the dietitian agreed to help me with that. YES, she did :)

Finishing off with this post,
"Oh, as soon as you finish with the diet, you are going to gain all this weight back." It's probably the most ignorant thing I've heard. Of course, if you do a diet, 'finish' with it and then continue to eat as before, you will gain back all of it. Because your body functions in a certain way, so x amount of food and z of excrsise forms that. So a nutritionist will teach you to change your lifestyle a bit, your eating habits, for you to see change. And if you like what you see, if you feel more comfortable in it, keep those changes and add some splurges here and there, because yes, you are not longer on a diet.

Because 'eat for the body you want, not the body you have' is one of the healthiest ED quotes I've ever read.

Why minimalism?

First it was denim. Then the classic V neck t-shirt. Then, the little Apple gadgets. In black. Or white. Something about the clean cuts was making my heart beat faster.

My love for minimal, clear, structured things was a fact since I remember myself.

"Black, white and grey" was the answer to the 'whatsyourfavouritecolour' question. I couldn't possible pick one. "These aren't colours", I got told. Well, to me they are. And quite strong ones. Picking these colours as my main attire, they constitute the canvas where my personality can bloom and wander.

Convinced you yet?

some pictures from my Tumblr will explain better..

yes, do believe that one picture's worth 1.000 words

So that's new (the healthy way)

Today I met with a dietitian. I saw her a few months ago in my landlord's grocery store and had in my mind to call her. So I did. I was so nervous, so freaking nervous this morning. If you know what having an eating disorder feels like, a dietitian can be like meeting with a psychiatrist.

She could find out. If she does, she would probably ask me to seek therapy. But she's my only solution to achieve my goal: get skinny, skinnier, skinniest. I have tried so many years to lose the weight, I have risked my health, I have almost been hospitalized twice and I am at my heaviest. What that taught me? Look for a better solution. The right one.

Her first impression:
Opening the door, she asked me if I was Annamaria, the girl she was supposed to meet. She told me afterwards she expected a much heavier girl, that I am very toned and I don't have a 'problem'. (I know that) She agreed that we can work good to achieve my goals. First goal is losing 6 kilos, I told her. She okay with that.
My first impression:
Opening the door, I wasn't sure I remembered her correctly. She had cut her hair, that's for sure. But she was also skinny. SKINNY. Oh, how happy that made me. I find it so hilarious when dietitians are heavy or even overweight. But she wasn't normal, she was definitely underweight. And that's what I am looking for.

So on Monday I am starting. She said we can work with half or even one kilo per week, depending on my metabolism. I think it's too much to expect, but I feel optimistic. That will definitely not risk my health. So, why the fuck not.

"Why didn't I just stay at home?"

(WHY WEEKENDS edition)

How many times have I said that in my life, while locking the door behind me and taking my shoes off exactly in the middle of the hallway (where I will trip onto them as soon as I wake up the next morning- guaranteed).
Trying to become a social butterfly when you suffer from a mild agoraphobia isn't always exciting. You force yourself to go out, you have a nice time, but by the time you get home all these thoughts come back and haunt you. But this phrase isn't a night-time only thing. Let me explain.

Saturday noon. Me and my huge microbiology book at a cafe, where I am studying every day, trying not to think about today's being G's birthday. When I woke up I didn't realise it was weekend already, so I wasn't prepared of all the couples of people that would go for a saturday coffee/brunch. Why the hell didn't I think of that?? Three hours later, unable to concentrate to my book and having heard what happened to the girl next to me (her boyfriend didn't text her back -so much saturday drama :p), I was thinking about food. Balancing between eating just home cooked mushrooms or a 4x4 vegetarian pizza (hello, EDNOS) I decided to leave early and go get these damn mushrooms, among other weekend supplies.
While I was at the check out counter I heard a 'hey, what's up" behind me. It was E. Now, E hasn't been on this blog for a year or so. That's because she's my ex best friend, who lives right next to me. Here she was, smiling (half cute-half fake, just like my smile), holding her basket of things and being all skinny. I was always the skinny friend and she would copy every thing I did, from clothing to eating although she knew about my ED (I couldn't put up with it). And of course what did she do?? LOOKED AT MY BASKET.
Mushrooms, zucchinis, two yogurts for babies (hello, 'enhanced with iron') and a chocolate soy milk. That was the moment when I realised we could never be friends again. I don't know why exactly, but that stare of her made me furious. We just chit-chatted until I payed and then I left..

I got home, took my freaking shoes off in the middle of the hallway and cooked those damned mushrooms, while whispering 'why didn't I just stay at home today??' and thinking about the 4x4 pizza..

Why I think I finally got my shit together -and how long it's gonna last this time.

(WHY WEEKENDS edition)

If you follow me long enough, you know that I've been through highs and lows within these years. You also know that I have managed to excel in that, going through highs and lows in only a day. This is quite a skill, don't you think. Normal people call these people 'moody' and throw them off the waggon.

But, believe you me, there's this time when you look at yourself and think 'I've got my shit together'. Yes, it's going to come at some point. Like this week, there's not been ONE day when I doubted myself. I don't have all my problems sorted out, no. But I know in every aspect of my life what I want to achieve. I have dreams that I can turn into goals, then into achievements.

Wait, was it that simple?
No. It took me more than 5 years of inner conversation, some travelling abroad, some binges, some purges, a tattoo, an illness of a loved one and some excessive headaches that threatened my memory to get where I am now.
But now I know that you have to do what you have to do to accept yourself. Then everything else will come. I, for instance, realised that I like to eat clean. It makes me look more flat, and that makes me happy. Like genuinely happy. I also realised I want to be a pescaterian, so I'm trying this out- it's going brilliantly. I have come to terms that I don't want a huggy relationship just yet; I want to experience sex. And I am old enough to look exactly for what I want. And that's fine as long as I am safe and care about people's feelings. I know I don't like clubbing, like for a fact, so I put my converese on and hang at rock bars.

What I am trying to say is that it's cool, you don't have to convince anyone that you are this perfect human being . You just have to convince yourself that you are. Cause YOU ARE. And then, like some kind of magic, you will attract only 'shiny happy people' your way :)

and having said all these, stay tuned for the time that my moodiness and bitchiness strikes back to this post..

p.s. comment down below what is that one characteristic that makes you feel nice and comfortable with yourself.

WHY WEEKENDS intro

So I have come up with this idea, that I will make a 'why' post every weekend. I had fun writing my previous post (why I am dumping yet another guy), so I thought I will try to make this a thing. Of course it will be in a more journal-y way, so feel free to add any suggestions/comments or even topics.

I thought about moving this to a whole other blog, but decided to start it here every weekend, and keep my regular life/ed posts as well during the week.

So stay tuned as I answer some obvious (or not) questions about the life of a 20-something year old girl :)

Why I am dumping yet another guy

The title is pretty obvious as to what you are going to read in these next lines. You probably already know by now that I am fucked up when it comes to relationships. I don't want them. Commitment issues don't even begin to describe what I am feeling when it comes down to this. But, wanting to feel as normal as my friends, after the drama that followed me around when I returned from Peru, I said yes to 'peer pressure' to search for a relationship-material guy. And that's the intro you get.

We met at starbucks. I was studying alone, wanting to keep my sanity after the horror story about G and O (all the confessions, the sex, the texts and the backstage that's been going on), when he spoke to me. We started talking, he seemed cute and normal and I immediately thought 'why not'. So we went for drinks with friends, long walks at the harbour, movies, etc. He seemed so different than the other guys I had been with, so getting a little closer too soon wasn't an issue. We both wanted it, although I was the one to be making the moves. (First hint). I really wanted this to work though, so I let myself go, invited him and his friends to my birthday party and really, kept hanging out with him on a daily basis, forgetting everything about G and O. Before I knew it we were cooking pasta together with him calling me 'baby'. That really shook me off my cloud. We didn't even know each other for a month so wait, I am his girlfriend now?? Some fucking AIR, please!
Summer came along and although I cleared it out to him that we are not together, we kept in touch over skype. Of course when I realised I didn't make a post on my birthday (June 21st) about my year resolutions and I discovered it JUST NOW, I knew something was wrong. I was suffocating every time I heard that Skype 'beep' from him. I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He was so boring, how didn't I see this from the start? We had absolutely nothing to talk about, and the only time we could keep a descent dialogue up was when he was being so fucking judgemental about my every move. Work, lab, drinks, he had a comment for. Combining it with the worst sex I've ever had, I have a comment for you as well: "NO SIR, can't do". And honestly, if we hit it off in any other aspect that wouldn't be an issue. But we have nothing to discuss about, and I am looking for someone to learn things from and experience the world together, not someone to show my true self and have him step on it. Hard. I don't need this shit.

I never feared being alone. Or that 'I am throwing my love chances off the window'.
So, it is what it is.

Feels

My last post was a rough one, I must admit. I tried to keep my negativity low, yet every time I read it I'm thinking 'this girl probably killed herself'. I'm saying this OF COURSE sarcastically (self sarcastically even) because I still remember the pressure that I was under. But I survived and now I got all the time in the world to make my own daily schedule. 

Top priority is studying, then getting thin -or vice versa. Oh my god, times like this my ED gets at it's finest. All that matters is to make the right choices of (not) eating. I know, I KNOW, that I'm only happy when I feel thinner. It's no secret to you anyway.

There are times when I feel empowered and I make the healthiest choices possible because of my illness (heaviest anaemia). I chop salad leaves, avocados, seeds and boil eggs, I cook lentils, I drink orange juice and drink so much water. Others, I fall into self destruction. Fasting to the point that my vision gets blurry -which like with me takes no more than a day of fasting- and smoking. Yes, I said it. Smoking. To a biologist, and a sworn anti-smoker this is self destruction. This is self hating, like any other form of self hating. It releases any pain, it makes me feel in control and I am ashamed of doing it. That's why nobody knows it. I couldn't possibly reveal that to someone. 

Anyway. On another note, I'm having my nails done tomorrow. It's not like I have an appointment or something, I'm just feeling optimistic that I can get one in sort notice. I'm thinking wine red or dark watermelon type of colour.

 

It's time to sleep I guess. Kisses, little lemons!

It's August already.

This week was awful. Like proper awful. I was working daily 8-10 hours at the laboratory, non stop, and I was feeling so blue. Lonely, stressed, afraid (of what?), tired. I kept waking up to nightmares and feeling sad just by taking the bus to university every morning. But now my experiments are over and I feel so relieved. I have two more days or so in there, to make some graphs and then I'm off of there. I had an amazing year with these people, it feels like yesterday when I was so excited but anxious about starting my work there. I will be forever grateful about meeting these scientists, who not only made my year but taught me some life lessons as well. They are also my connection to doing my internship in London on March 2014, which I can't wait.

Holidays? No can't do. I have my exams in 28 days. I feel like this period of time is about testing my patience. I try to stay calm and don't think about summer, cocktails, family time or enough sleep. I don't have time for that. I will hopefully have a relaxed autumn, which I prefer.

But lately I've been feeling like my style has finally come together. I like trying different things and I'm always on the look for edgy styling. My nails have grown so much, I'm proud of that as well. I have painted them dark blue. No, I don't like summer-y colours on my nails. It's always dark- never black.
Other things that make me happy in this hectic period? Hmm. Morning coffee, some geeky laughs about my mice, silver midi rings, mom's lemonade (I still have some left), sandals, random texting with a guy, waking up to an empty stomach.

xx

All seems blue-rr

There's a time when you amaze yourself of how put-together you look. Summer is here, yet I am on a 24/7 schedule, while almost everybody else is vacationing. Lab work, a job, diet, some boys, an Asos haul.
Most of the days you will find me smiling and telling nice things to everyone; truth is, I am scared of myself. I don't like this normal thing, I feel uncomfortable. Maybe this is all new, so I'm staying strong. In other news, one kilo is lost this week, yet I refused to go to the beach today. My ED is really coming back the days when I'm so freaking busy(when was really gone though?), which is weird but also very helpful. This is the time when I'm loosing the weight, you'll see.

With the wonderful news that I passed a very difficult exam last June, I have only 5 more for August. Five more, and I take my fucking degree. Well I can't graduate even if I pass everything this August (non achievable thing), cause on March I'm moving to London for three months for practise work. And I'm so looking forward to it. SO MUCH.

the lovely India Rose

blurry kisses,
annamaria *

p20

I was gone. Did you notice? I don't remember when was the last time I posted, but I wouldn't bother to check on that either. Long time has passed; exams have passed, although they were an epic fail. My birthday were okay, I guess. They were, to put it straightforward, a happy birthday. No more, no less. Certain people were missing from it, but it's okay. Everything's okay, I've grown up.

Did I tell you, I met someone. One who could possibly take my mind off this fucked up situtation I had put myself into. We met at Starbucks, where we were both studying for exams. He's sweet. But. There's always a but, it seems. He figured out very soon that we are boyfriend/girlfriend. So soon that I couldn't even breathe when I realised it. I did the normal thing though: talked to him. We said we'll keep in touch and discuss it in August, when we will meet again. It looks normal, and it scares the fuck out of me. I decided to role-play 'normal' this semester, just to see what happens.

I also should have you know I lack enthousiasm lately.
Other than that, I am well.
And possibly back.

I'm thinking of a Happy Birthday

Right this moment.

When everything in your life belongs to yourself, no one else. When you have so many people around you to care about and care for you. When you are just a student in this whole fucking world. When the sun is going down, and you listen to this song. When the guy outside your window is another student; you see each other every day yet you'll never meet. When you have so much to think about, dramas and happy moments. When your exams are the most stressful thing; and the reason to meet new people- who knew. When the wind blows through your hair.

When you smile every day.

Then, you play it on repeat.
You care of nothing.
You are happy.
You're turning 23 tomorrow.
:)

The wind blows

Another exam period shot to hell. That seems to be some kind of skill, I have, to run everything of the most importance during exam period. Like taking a pregnancy test. This was the most scary thing I've done for a really long time. It was negative, but if my period doesn't come I'm not going to calm down. Paranoia is a common symptom to a biology student during the finals, you see.

I'm also a little feverish since Saturday. Well, you know, the minute I convinced myself to diet, my immune system thought it wasn't such a good idea. I'm used to that by now though; my ED trying to keep me starved while my aneamia is begging me for energy for my body to function. I do both weekly and manage to lose well, NOTHING but my temper.

In a more shiny note, I saw The Great Gatsby. Oh, how magical it was! I enjoyed everything: the music, the colours, the time that was filmed, Leonardo. The story (which I didn't know) is a great love story, nothing more, but to be honest I was more than fine with that. I may read the book over summer as well, just to compare.

I went for a drink after the movie, so I'm starting studying a little late..but oh well.

xx

Well, hello

May is almost over and I am, don't worry, still here.

My trip was amazing, everything I could ask for. Peru is a wonderful country, with lots of colour and every contrast you can ever imagine. I had a great time and coming back I realised how much I needed this trip. I also got tanned -a bit too much if I may add- and got to feed some lamas too!!

Getting back to reality, my summer exams start this Friday. Shit is what I though too. Exam's drama has already began and I'm trying to stay focused and study. G and O are so very upset with all the situation, and no one knows what will happen (I'm friends with benefits with O while G is on my mind -for the new followers. complicated much?).

Anyway, I got some amazing mint sandals, to match with my nail polish and I'm staying calm. I'm also on a 30 day-at-home diet/fitness programme. I can't go to the gym anymore due to my health issues so I'm doing this instead. I am on Day 2. Lol.

this is me, meditating at the Gate Of The Sun, 

overlooking Machu Picchu

oversized Topshop knit, Zara jeans, bracelet from Peru

River's fairytales *

I don't know why I disappeared like that. It was hectic, madness, such a full daily scheduled. And now we've come to this; one week before Easter holidays. One week before May, too. Like, what?

I got my blood test results today. Shit. I am pretty much the same as I was two years ago. I told myself i wouldn't let it happen again. Well.. My mom wanted to come to the island, but I assured her that I'm going to be good for this week. Then I'm flying home, so she can pamper me all she wants. For three days.
Because after that I'm leaving! London, then Peru :D
I can't let this ruin my holidays, ruin my sister's holidays. So many things to see, so much money spent, I have to be strong and happy for such a trip. And I will.

Doctors say I shouldn't be active right now; they mumble the word 'hospitalised'. It's not logical, but I'm always stronger that I should be according to the tests. So I am taking it down a bit, but operating fully at the same time. I dragged myself to the nail bar today. I had my eyebrows waxed and a grey/blue manicure. It was nice to talk to strangers, my friends and family today treated me like a puppy.

if only I could find the perfect maxi dress..

xxx

It's the day after the storm.

I feel like someone punched me in the face. It's the second time I've felt like that; ironically, it involves a certain person again (yes, G). But now the situation is different. Now I am the one who screwed up.  Nevertheless, I will try (and succeed) to make the most out of my weekend.

Things that make my Saturday happy:
so much sleep
cleaning the house (yes, I am THAT girl)
a large bowl of strawberries in my fridge
water with ice
new bracelets, tights and shirts (recent purchases from Stradivarius)
movie night

xx 

Just another national holiday.

Since I decided to give it a try with O, I've been feeling quite flat. It's not that I didn't know that. When you don't like someone for three years, what do you expect to feel in a week's time?
We laugh. A lot. He's sweet. We can cuddle, and I don't feel like suffocating. We have sex. It's like I know what he is like, and he knows me. But you can never really know someone, can you?
I already had a conversation with my friends about it. I don't want a relationship. They believe I play with him. It's not like that; I know it's not the normal thing to do, but nothing about me is normal. So I don't care about what they say.

Have you seen "my mad fat diary"? It's an English series, about Rae, an obese girl who tried to kill herself, and how she's getting back to normal life with friends and family and boys etc. It's quite nice, although I find disturbing how much I can relate to her. Like, seriously. Some scenes I find upsetting, and I know I don't even resemble to her in the least possible.

Yesterday I couldn't sleep. My stomach hurt, I was nauseous, along with some more symptoms. I had to find some medication, but the only pharmacy open this late (4 in the morning) was really far away. So I called them anyway, just to talk to someone. The lady sounded kind, she advised me on what pills to take, and told me a story of her own, just to calm me down. When I finally went back to sleep and woke up, I tried to find another open pharmacy (national holiday means stores closed). I had to go through the parade, it was madness. So surreal.

After one whole bar of milk chocolate and one of the pills, I feel more calm. I have to get it together; alone. I'm almost 23.