Feels

My last post was a rough one, I must admit. I tried to keep my negativity low, yet every time I read it I'm thinking 'this girl probably killed herself'. I'm saying this OF COURSE sarcastically (self sarcastically even) because I still remember the pressure that I was under. But I survived and now I got all the time in the world to make my own daily schedule. 

Top priority is studying, then getting thin -or vice versa. Oh my god, times like this my ED gets at it's finest. All that matters is to make the right choices of (not) eating. I know, I KNOW, that I'm only happy when I feel thinner. It's no secret to you anyway.

There are times when I feel empowered and I make the healthiest choices possible because of my illness (heaviest anaemia). I chop salad leaves, avocados, seeds and boil eggs, I cook lentils, I drink orange juice and drink so much water. Others, I fall into self destruction. Fasting to the point that my vision gets blurry -which like with me takes no more than a day of fasting- and smoking. Yes, I said it. Smoking. To a biologist, and a sworn anti-smoker this is self destruction. This is self hating, like any other form of self hating. It releases any pain, it makes me feel in control and I am ashamed of doing it. That's why nobody knows it. I couldn't possibly reveal that to someone. 

Anyway. On another note, I'm having my nails done tomorrow. It's not like I have an appointment or something, I'm just feeling optimistic that I can get one in sort notice. I'm thinking wine red or dark watermelon type of colour.

 

It's time to sleep I guess. Kisses, little lemons!