Package delivered.

Even though I wasn't gonna post right now, I'm actually feeling very good so I rushed a bit in order to make a happy post. You know before you realise it your good mood can vanish into the air...

So today I'm so good! I had a few things that needed to be done and my morning energy didn't last, but when I got up from bed and looked at my mirror, I saw ribs! Like not all of them but the two on the top are kinda visible. I don't know if it made me happy or what, but I wasn't pleased about it for a long time. I know I can do better.


Also my sister sent me a nice top (the big white ones that your bra can be seen from the side?) and I absolutely love it!! I didn't go for shopping but I don't mind yet. My scale showed 56.4 again but I'm feeling optimistic.

Mmmm, actually that thinspo picture I'm posting tells me a lot: black clothes always get full style points. And when I have time -cause it's exam period- then I'll find the right black morning dress, get my ELLE magazine and go have a nice coffee at Starbucks. And if being single is what it has to be, then I shall be one with style and confidense. Cause I really don't need any more disturbed people in my life right now.

I'm good :)

Bipolar.. really?

I hate Sundays. I am sure about this, most of my dontwannaRemember days have been Sundays. And yesterday I was a psychotic phyco. I mean, really. But let me explain first...

On Saturday night my stupid laptop got a virus. Malware I was told, but I think it's the same. You should now I hate pc problems, cause they can make me very nervous and in a not normal way.. So with my male best friend on the phone, I tried to fix the stupid thing. I couldn't and we tried until 3.30 in the morning, then woke up and thried for a few more hours. My msn photo had a monster instead of the nice pink photo I'm using and that just scared the hell out of me. I wasn't feeling good anyway, shaking and I couldn't stand anything that was going on around me. At one point I tried to make some chicken cause I wanted energy to study, just got mad and threw it in the rubbish. The craziest part is that not only did I throw away the chicken I was making, but also opened the fridge and actually threw away two more pieces.
I was hysterically mad. Then I felt quite better. Oh, dear..


This morning I took my laptop to the store and said they would keep it for about 10 days and I would either pay 50 or 145 euros. Great. Can you be more specific please?

Yes I'm also waiting for my period, so that has sth to do with it. I just got really scared of myself yesterday. Anyway I have my notebook now, so I won't miss you much!

Blah blah post.

Loud noises make me nervous today. The only thing I can handle is Portishead.. Uh I completely forgot to tell you how things went on my exam: I'm not totally satisfied -why should I be?- but I think the theory exam went quite well. The lab on the other hand..is sth I have to take again. Shit.

My second one is on the 10th (second out of five). So I have plenty of time to study. Of course my third is on the 14th and then 15th. How nice? So now I'm studying for the one on the 15th because I won't have the time needed then. The last one is on the 22nd.

Anyway lets go back to why I can't stand loud noises. Last night I went for a dvd night to my friend E. For those new, E is a girl and my best friend on this island. We go to university together and have a lot in common. Exept one thing: she just loooooves food. Especially chocolate. She is not fat, I can say she is normal-weight. But she just wants chocolate all the time. Anyway we went to pick a movie ("Remember Me" with robert pattinson -he is gorgeous but the movie was just nice I think) and she wanted to eat. So we went to eat and then she tells me that we should get chocolate stuff for the movie. I panicked. So I refused to eat in order to eat at the movie. Of course I still had to eat that chocolate thing with one scoop of strawberry ice cream during the movie.. And it was good. But then I slept at her house cause it was so late to leave. It was so hot, I was feeling so guilty and I had the worst nap EVER! I woke up with a really huge hangover and I can't explain it at all.. I had two coffees already and I'm shaking, I took my pill and I'm still quite dizzy. I mean, wtf?


Pfff, I'm back home now, obviously, and ready to study. I want to go clothes shopping but I'm really afraid. I want to balloon down a bit (if that's an expression) and then go cause I saw these awesome converse running pants (how is the word..?) which I loved and just want to be able to get either Small or Medium -I'll tell you when I try them on.

you're STARING at me!

Wow. My fingers just went automatically on the "New Post" button.
Uh I'm so drunk, or at least this is how I feel after 2 beers, I also feel ballooned-up. I'm not handling well. Nothing is wrong.
The only thing wrong here is my stomach (like what normal person picks up the phone and orders chinese??).

I hate delivery. And I hate food.
This is the first -and propably the last- time I'm ordering food when alone in the house. Luckily it was around 6 in the afternoon but ooooh I totally let myself down.

I went for drinks with E and a guy that has actually tear-ed in my house cause he liked me and all these are just too emotional for me.

The scale today showed 56.4 but tmrrw ..I just don't dare to watch it.

Anyway, I'm going to bed FINALLY (hope the beers and the complete lack of energy help me sleep).

-at least here's an awesome thinspo picture (& personal favorite):

Complicated is the word.

I went to bed at around 12.. you know I had sleeping problems in the past but since I moved here I was getting much better.
I try to sleep in the best of conditions: very dark room with a blue night light outside of the door, light blanket and one heavier in case it is needed, my silly teddyBear (it's actually a duck) the ac remote in case it gets hotter.. these kind of stuff. Oh and my pillow mist which I occasionally forget to use.

So last night I officially slept at 5.30 IN THE MORNING.
Uhhh!!! and of course at 9.30 I was up to study. Hope this is anxiety over exams, which I highly doubt but let's say it.


Anyway, my purge-wishing thing is over and I'm so happy for it. This means a lot to me.
Plus my scale showed 56.5 today. :D

Oh wait.. I have another thing... Di's here. He inboxed me (what's wrong with guys and cellphones?why it has to be facebook??) and told me he wanted to go for drinks. I'm thinking about it maybe on Friday we'll meet. I'm actually a bit scared to go on a relationship right now, if that's what he wants too. Yeah I'm saying "too" cause I admit it I kinda want it (all summer long? hey I can be totally pathetic sometimes).

Other than these tmrrw I have a theory test and a lab exam. Funny thing (not so much) is that I'm not prepared for the lab, the only thing that I was carrying around all summer so that I can study anytime! Ahh fuck it.

Any title will do.

Seriously.. I hate exams. But okay, who doesn't? I mean three days now I'm somewhere between how life first appeared on earth.. how Darwin became all that famous.. how giraffes have such a long neck.. how many cals are there in a strawberry yogurt.. damn, I binged again.. what happens in the next HIMYM episode.. how many days till Di comes..
.these kind of stuff.


And then.. I did sth very bad. Something I've sworn to myself I would NEVER do no matter what. I tried to throw up. I mean I always thought I can handle my ED and I'm not that deep into it to start purging.
I was shaking, I was crying but I didn't manage to do it. Uh I didn't want to try this ever again! Exept I did. The next day.
Scared as hell I tried it one more time.
I was more sure I could do it.
But couldn't....so I swear (once again) I will never try to do this..


Last night I couldn't sleep. This morning I couldn't get up. I had planned to go to the gym this morning. I barely managed to reach the bathroom. I got up to the scale ready to see the enormous number. It showed 56.7
Without even looking at the mirror I got dressed, put on my pale pink sweater (like 26 degrees here but I was kinda cold) and went to get my laundry, some peaches and then to the bank. As I reached my final stop I started to feel kinda dizzy. Kept thinking how stupid I was that I wanted to go to the gym too. Anyway I took some cookies and a plain cold coffee, came home, ate it and felt disgusted once again.

Funny thing in this whole story is that I feel okay doing all these. And that disturbs me the most. I can be laughing and dancing around having all these in the back of my head.

IS THIS ROUTINE FOR ME FROM NOW ON?
OH THAT'S SUPER SPOOKY!

Shake me rope me get me down down down..

Oh the sky is so blue today :)

....
After two (2!) whole days of boredom and "crying" over a scale number I'm back. Okay, so I admit I wasn't expecting that but finding myself on this town absolutely alone was a big slap on my face after two months of absolutely NO private time.
I got quite depressed, apparently.

BUT from today I (think) I'm back in business! I took from my room at my house THE notebook. Oh, I'm so scared someone may have already seen it.. this is a notebook I used back then to write my intakes along with some comments. I was using the second half of it though..and I shall continue from where I left it. That's the plan.
I'll just say that on my last entry, 18/04/2009, I was 54.5

Uh even though I look slimmer now, this pisses me off! I mean now this is my first goal weight.. so today I am -taran taran pum- 56.8 (that is 125.2 lbs)
well why am I NOT surprised?

Uh..
ANYWAY I found this quite funny song and -maybe- a total failure to love :D
Kill Me -Make The Girl Dance

I'm posting a picture of my room, keep in mind I'm a hard-studying girl. LOL.

Something new.

I'm back, finally. Back where creativity starts and develops. It's the type which can either help you or destroy you. We'll see..

So after a delay to my flight, a change of plane (due to blah blah blaahhh), a change of gate (I should expect that), a depressed taxi driver, 62 stairs with a 26kilo bag (duh, I paid overweight), the cleaning of the house (wtf happened to my bathroom???), a change of bedsheets and finally a bath.. here I am!!
..back to my university life..

Oh, I also changed my blog a bit, I love that faded-pink background, not so much these birds that fly on the right but oh, well.. hope you like it, you 84 (?!!) beautiful people who read my blog! I want to thank you so much for your support and hoping that I can support you too, and that you like reading my posts even if you don't leave a comment (no feellings hurt, haha).
Moving back here once again I'll have more time to read your blogs and find new thinspiration and friends :)

I'm starting a new working-hard season myself and I invite you to join me.

Because to you girls, I'm not forced to pretend.. no need to hide.

Everybody luvs you.. luvs who?

Well for one thing, storm's over.

I had my extra holidays, I had my period, I had my chance to loose back that one stupid kilo. And I'm good.
Of course I don't know how long it will take until I explode again,
but till then stay tuned please :)


Island holidays: THE dream. Laughs, bikinis, appletinis, night swimming and lots lots of tanning, FINALLY! Finally I'm looking hotter in my shorts, I lost that extra kilo and crossing fingers I loose a little more.

So this is the point when you wonder why I guess..
Next week I'm going back to my house, back to university, back to my exams. I can't say I miss them much but along with these go some other things. Like freedom, not eating every other hour, some boy issues that I had left for September and -of course- Di (unfortunately he comes first when it comes to ..boys).
Well he sent me an inbox wondering where have I been, if I'm having a nice time and when will I return. And then Bam!
He's all around me, once again.
..nothing is easy and I tend to make it even more difficult but I'll try
-at least.


So I cannot wait to go back, then I'll have much time to read and comment your posts, find new blogs to follow and new people to love!!

cause I miss you soooo...