Moves

Posting from my hometown is never easy. Even though I have my own room and I 'borrow' the neighbours' wifi, I often get visits from my mother/sister. My mother to bring me cake/apples/pears and my sister to steal clothes from my suitcase to wear outside. -these three sentences took me about twelve minutes to write, you can do the math for the rest of this post.

Craziness and anxiety have both dialled down these days, although I'm rather moody thanks to pms. I eat non stop and walk so little. Let's see what one week can do to my body.. I'm leaving so early on Sunday though, so I won't let it affect me much. Calmness for now, diet will start then. I'm talking about super restriction, and that could be easy cause classes and lab start on Monday!

I also got invited to stay at G's place for a few days. Yes, that is a pointless invitation, since we live literally ten minutes away. And yes, our status remains as it was: I have friendzoned him and he has friendzoned me. First who cracks and makes a move gets an A for braveness, I guess. His brother graduated and left so I guess he suddenly felt lonely in there. Note: he has slept three times at my house, once of them on the bed w/ me. We are ridiculous. And we're having fun with that!

Right now I'm trying to read my neurobiology paper, 17 pages of lab work in english and french about what I'm about to do at the lab from Monday. I have an unknown word at the title.

Shit just got serious, I guess.

what an awesome jacket!
xx

Eyes

Blood results came out rather good, for my standards anyway, so everybody calmed down. My blood cells are always low and weak, but other than that, it's wasn't an alarming situation after all. I still try to calm myself down, but as long as I have the urge to do shopping, everything's good! (mom's quote)

Yesterday I was looking for a lace bra from Oysho and an eye liner. I failed to purchase both, but this morning I woke up and got the damn liner. The lady there made a mistake as long as I went in the store (she sent me up two floors for something that was on the ground floor) so even though I didn't mind -I used to work on sales so these mistakes are understandable- she was super nice and friendly to me. I was going for the Loreal one, but she suggested the Radiant brand. Same brush, same quantity, lower price. Being a eye liner dummy, I preferred the cheaper one and she told me if I had any trouble to come back to the store and help me put it on. I'm not very fond of trying make up on when I shop (sorry, Mac girls) because I don't like to end up looking like a clown, or like someone that would put a full face on just for going to the grocery store. Sweats, converse, mascara, headphones and I'm good to go.
So I tried it on at home. Alone. Now my left eye looks like a normal person's with a black line. Cute. The right eye is a disaster, but never fear, practise makes perfect, no?! I like the boldness it gives, keeping a minimal look while doing so.

* in a week or so, I may reveal to you the true purpose of my travelling to my hometown.. I'm dying to tell you guys, but I can't just yet.

Wednesday

I slept 13 hours. Of course I didn't go to my last exam. I woke up by a concerned mom forcing me to get up and go to the clinic to get my blood tests. I went.

Thanks to everyone for commenting to my last post, especially Peri (I love you!), for all your lovely words. I cried a lot yesterday, I felt sorry for myself and I realised that I must calm down. Stress makes me a different person, and I don't like her.

I cleaned my home floor a bit and during the day I need to organise my bedroom and all the shit that's been sitting on my desk; books, notes, nail polishes, etc. Gym is out of the question for today, so a long bath is needed.

Small steps forward (within this week) :
- grow out my nails to have a manicure done
- have my first autumn latte
- go to Oysho for some cute lace underwear
- start writing on my paper

this looks so relaxed.
xx

Awful times.

Today is the last day of exams. Typically it's tomorrow, when I give my last one -toxicology- but today is the last day of 'studying'. Notice the quotes, huh? It's been such a low time lately, with mood swings and alcohol. No, no studying. I got a 9/10 though, but failed my other two (two passed/two failed).

Yesterday I binged. Properly, like the old times. I felt so humiliated by myself that I almost scared me off. Couldn't purge. I don't want to end up like this again. I can't. I think something's wrong too. I will have some blood tests this week, just to make sure...

I couldn't get out of bed this morning either. Tired eyes, people think it's the studying. No, it's not. It's the miserable attitude towards everything I'm having.
I know what's the solution to this. I can pretend to be 19 again. My first year here. I was eating like 600 cals a day, being a bitch and loving it. And you know what? Just cause I was myself, everyone loved me too. I think I might try it, but just so many things have happened since then.. anyway, I must act. And I will.

I also missed the first rain. It was two days ago, 5.30 in the morning. G texted me so I could wake up and see, cause he knows I love the rain. I didn't even hear my phone beeping, so I missed it..

It's just too much. Not even my black coffee could bring me back.

sorry if this is any kind of triggering post.
xx

Two words

As my favourite time of the year is coming, I am struggling to hold a little bit longer to my exams, not study but just make an appearance. I am so motivated today, like nothing can stop me, and I've been feeling rather flirty.

I either hate it when I get attention from guys, and feel horrible etc (which happened last week, cause everyone is either a basket case or a no-no cause of certain circumstances). Or I act the normal way and get flattered and my confidence rises. Today I decided to do the second thing. To let myself swirl into apathy and ignore every 'situation' there is and has forced me to feel bad/guilty/shy/crap. Like, fuck you and your dramas.

I am going to work hard this semester to get everything my way. Things to do:
- fix my ombre, make it more visible
- get a pair of biker black boots
- go out on ALL the dates (really, just go)
- pick the best one, according to behaviour/appearance
- wake up smiling every day
- go to the gym at least every other day

I know this list will make me happy. I know it.
So fuck you, you closed minded people that the only thing you want to do is bring me down.
Seriously, fuck you.

xx

p.s. 

find which were the "two words", and win a pink electromagnetic snail  :p

Update

Honestly, if someone let me sleep all day, that's what I'd do. My energy is lower than ever.. but the first autumn breezes are here so I have a happy smiley face. To be able to drink tea in the morning, and black coffee all day long...that's the dream.

I'm slowly keeping up with the gym, and with the semester start I will be fully back! I'm even checking the swimming pool schedule, so that I could go once a week along with spinning and yoga. I've really missed swimming.. you have no idea how much!

On the 24th I'm flying home. Again. It's probably the first time I am so looking forward to it. My sister is coming as well, and even though she would be working from home, I would just have my paper to write so that means free time in my hometown for coffee, cupcakes and shopping! I missed her already!
I'm also visiting London in a couple of months! Nothing is booked yet, but I could really use a winter-y London right now. It will definitely motivate me to study harder (cause right now I blow at university). I want to move to London so badly. No, UK in general doesn't do for me, I want LONDON.

Tonight I have this dinner to go, and then maybe I'll stop by G. I don't know yet, either were the best-est friends in town, or something's nice is about to happen. I'm fine with both ways though.
*wait until I get off my cloud*

xx

I put my email on the sidebar (on your left!) so feel free to contact me!!
also, check out my Tumblr:  Anklets & Skulls

Rambling

Every time I have exams things get pretty ugly. I think I am used to this chaos by now, and I have decided to embrace it. You know, I believe the whole 'everything happens for a reason' and the 'karma is going to get you' kind of sayings but lately I've been feeling that someone is playing with me.

Friday was hell. I mean the museum event was so fun, and so tiring but after that I went for a couple of drinks. Have you ever walked into a bar to find every 'ex' you recently had within 5 meters from each other? I mean not boyfriends per say, just every guy you've fooled around/made out in 2012. Don't panic, they were only three. And being on an island, they all know each other, but I choose to believe no one knows everything. Anyway, it got pretty ugly. O was the worst part. He demanded I explained things right there right now, and he told me that we were never friends (for 3 years we've been hanging out, anyway I get his point, it's just that he was a little rude). The other two were pretty much drinking, minding their business and giving me weird (the one) and angry (the other one) looks. Hell I say.

Saturday G came over at my place. We met this year and have really clicked in the matter of good company. We have spent 2-3 nights together just drinking and talking and this night was one of them. I like being around him, he likes it too. I don't think he wants something more from me, no. Too bad, cause he's probably the first guy I've felt I could try an actual relationship with since 2010. Way long back, I know, and it's true. I think I am already friendzoned though, you know. It's not only that he couldn't like me as his girlfriend, it's just that I had a fling with one of his friends too. He also has a pretty much good picture in his mind about how I fuck up relationships and how awkward I make situations. So, why would he bother?

*just found out I got 7.5/10 on the first exam I wrote this summer. my only hope to pass something up until now, and I'm not even grateful for it, I could do better*

Sunday was a fairly tiring day, having slept about 5 hours and waking up after 2 bottles of wine (me and G make a nice alcoholic couple). I tried to eat something because my appetite is pretty much gone these days and I fear that when it comes back I will double take each kilo I seem to have lost.

That pretty much gives you my whole weekend in paragraphs.

xx

Delivery

On Wednesday the magic post paper came to my house, not only one but two parcels had come for me in the mail! Excited I went and picked up my Asos order and my Amazon bag. Now no one could guess which designer inspired bag I had ordered, so here it goes: the Alexander Wang rocco bag!!

I got it in black with silver studs and zippers. I also got the one with the strap, just cause it seemed to suit my style more than holding it on my arm like most celebrities do with this bag. It came inside a white dust bag, covered with bubble wrap and two plastic bags. I was a little scared whether some of the studs could be missing, but it is in a perfect condition! I tried to take some pictures, but because most of you know the bag I am referring to, I will just post these (not helpful at all) two.

this is the lower side of the bag. I wanted to take a snap with the studs too, so here it is (sort of)

this is how I style it, haha. I was working last night at the museum and we had this whole kid's event, and even though I was making little bats with the kids at the playroom, I couldn't resist and tried on the dinosaur head!
if the quality was better, you could see my Topshop cardigan, my Zara shirt, my new bag (luckily it fits on my shoulder too!) and my left hand tattoo :p

xx

Winter Lust List

So, it's Monday again, and my Asos order as well as my amazon bag have not arrived yet! I know I have gone a little crazy with shopping, and believe me even though I should feel bad, I don't actually do. Shopping/styling and exercise are my two big hobbies so if I'm able to enjoy both of them that means I'm in a good mood. (if it's not about shopping therapy or stress release spinning class that is)

Here I present you some of the upcoming purchases, the most desired items for A/W 2012. (up until now, I'm sure)

the coat.  I think it looks effortlessly cool and super cosy, and even though I haven't tried it on yet, I believe this could be this year's coat for me.

the must have. I actually saw this in store and it looks super cute! But, as you know, I wear jumpers(?) oversized and there wasn't a Large in store at that time. Next time, next time..

the short necklace.  I've bookmarked this necklace since March, I think, and it has never been on sale on Asos. Karma is something I believe in, and this minimal piece of art is just pure beauty. It's so annoying, cause even though it's not that expensive, I could not spend 80+ euro on such a small piece of jewellery. Maybe one day.

 the snood. Given the fact that all my winter (and summer, probably) clothes are black/grey and so little coloured, this mint knit would totally spice up my winter wardrobe!

the tights. I'm not very much into tights, I prefer leggings cause I find their texture a little less annoying, so I usually wear thin high socks(?) with suspenders if I have to. But these, oh these, look very sexy!

xx

p.s. thanks to everyone for their kind words on my last post. I've been feeling rather sick again and your comments really put a smile in my face. I don't know if I should go to the gym or not, I feel like I should rest but at the same time I know once I start going again I will feel a lot lot better.

Ignorance is bliss (the post)

The numbered post series is coming to an end with the emo/rant post. (quite long, rather boring)

You know, looking me as a person from a distance you can see two things:

• most people see this incredibly confident girl, with the big smile and the nice clothes, who has lived her teens to the fullest, travelled all around the world and (girls mostly) secretly wish to be like her. 
• but there are some people who see underneath this. they see a troubled girl with a fake smile, a shy and funny girl who tries to be perfect at all aspects but she's broken because something too troubling happened in her teens. somewhere between travelling around the world and living a very fortunate life, something intolerable for her happened. opinions vary: parents not loving her so much, anorexia, depression, a broken heart, suicide attempt, lesbianism (I've heard everything). 

But you know, I think I'm both these girls. Of course the incident that many people refer to isn't that clear. It's a mixture of a broken heart along with so little confidence. This past year so many things happened, both good and bad, and I'm struggling every day to find the perfect balance. I've mostly been a happy girl and I am really proud for achieving that. I'm not going to lie, two years ago I was so close to depression and I remember promising myself (you can probably find some posts in this blog) "you can go for three days straight and be happy" then "I wish I could feel happy for a week", etc. 

The reason why I chose to write such a post when I am supposed to be happy recently is that lately I'm getting so much hate/bad energy. Jealousy. And, to be honest, I don't think I deserve it. My friend is being really mean to me, some guys have been impolite (in a guys way) and I really haven't given them the right to do so. People don't react the normal way lately to me being single. Getting extra attention has bothered some of my "friends" and given some guys the right to act like I'm some sort of slut. The have this attitude like "well, you are single by choice, so you obviously like to fuck around". One of my dear girl friends said "you like to be some sort of mystery..like no one knows how to have you and you often are mean to guys, keeping everyone around". The fact that my commitment issues are bigger than (insert something really big here) doesn't seem to ring any bell. I obviously like to fuck around, at the same time I haven't had sex in like two years. Obvious slut, right?

I go out on dates, sure, I make out and get excited if I like someone and do everything a normal 22 year old does, it's just that I'm not comfortable to fuck any guy that buys me my cocktail. What is so wrong about that? If I meet a guy that I find interesting (not this prince charming shit, just a normal guy and not a freaking basket case) then I will definitely try a relationship. I get to decide though.

I don't understand why people are the way they are. Sure everyone has got their own problems, but why do they have to kick you down as soon as you start to feel nice?