So that's new (the healthy way)

Today I met with a dietitian. I saw her a few months ago in my landlord's grocery store and had in my mind to call her. So I did. I was so nervous, so freaking nervous this morning. If you know what having an eating disorder feels like, a dietitian can be like meeting with a psychiatrist.

She could find out. If she does, she would probably ask me to seek therapy. But she's my only solution to achieve my goal: get skinny, skinnier, skinniest. I have tried so many years to lose the weight, I have risked my health, I have almost been hospitalized twice and I am at my heaviest. What that taught me? Look for a better solution. The right one.

Her first impression:
Opening the door, she asked me if I was Annamaria, the girl she was supposed to meet. She told me afterwards she expected a much heavier girl, that I am very toned and I don't have a 'problem'. (I know that) She agreed that we can work good to achieve my goals. First goal is losing 6 kilos, I told her. She okay with that.
My first impression:
Opening the door, I wasn't sure I remembered her correctly. She had cut her hair, that's for sure. But she was also skinny. SKINNY. Oh, how happy that made me. I find it so hilarious when dietitians are heavy or even overweight. But she wasn't normal, she was definitely underweight. And that's what I am looking for.

So on Monday I am starting. She said we can work with half or even one kilo per week, depending on my metabolism. I think it's too much to expect, but I feel optimistic. That will definitely not risk my health. So, why the fuck not.

"Why didn't I just stay at home?"

(WHY WEEKENDS edition)

How many times have I said that in my life, while locking the door behind me and taking my shoes off exactly in the middle of the hallway (where I will trip onto them as soon as I wake up the next morning- guaranteed).
Trying to become a social butterfly when you suffer from a mild agoraphobia isn't always exciting. You force yourself to go out, you have a nice time, but by the time you get home all these thoughts come back and haunt you. But this phrase isn't a night-time only thing. Let me explain.

Saturday noon. Me and my huge microbiology book at a cafe, where I am studying every day, trying not to think about today's being G's birthday. When I woke up I didn't realise it was weekend already, so I wasn't prepared of all the couples of people that would go for a saturday coffee/brunch. Why the hell didn't I think of that?? Three hours later, unable to concentrate to my book and having heard what happened to the girl next to me (her boyfriend didn't text her back -so much saturday drama :p), I was thinking about food. Balancing between eating just home cooked mushrooms or a 4x4 vegetarian pizza (hello, EDNOS) I decided to leave early and go get these damn mushrooms, among other weekend supplies.
While I was at the check out counter I heard a 'hey, what's up" behind me. It was E. Now, E hasn't been on this blog for a year or so. That's because she's my ex best friend, who lives right next to me. Here she was, smiling (half cute-half fake, just like my smile), holding her basket of things and being all skinny. I was always the skinny friend and she would copy every thing I did, from clothing to eating although she knew about my ED (I couldn't put up with it). And of course what did she do?? LOOKED AT MY BASKET.
Mushrooms, zucchinis, two yogurts for babies (hello, 'enhanced with iron') and a chocolate soy milk. That was the moment when I realised we could never be friends again. I don't know why exactly, but that stare of her made me furious. We just chit-chatted until I payed and then I left..

I got home, took my freaking shoes off in the middle of the hallway and cooked those damned mushrooms, while whispering 'why didn't I just stay at home today??' and thinking about the 4x4 pizza..

Why I think I finally got my shit together -and how long it's gonna last this time.

(WHY WEEKENDS edition)

If you follow me long enough, you know that I've been through highs and lows within these years. You also know that I have managed to excel in that, going through highs and lows in only a day. This is quite a skill, don't you think. Normal people call these people 'moody' and throw them off the waggon.

But, believe you me, there's this time when you look at yourself and think 'I've got my shit together'. Yes, it's going to come at some point. Like this week, there's not been ONE day when I doubted myself. I don't have all my problems sorted out, no. But I know in every aspect of my life what I want to achieve. I have dreams that I can turn into goals, then into achievements.

Wait, was it that simple?
No. It took me more than 5 years of inner conversation, some travelling abroad, some binges, some purges, a tattoo, an illness of a loved one and some excessive headaches that threatened my memory to get where I am now.
But now I know that you have to do what you have to do to accept yourself. Then everything else will come. I, for instance, realised that I like to eat clean. It makes me look more flat, and that makes me happy. Like genuinely happy. I also realised I want to be a pescaterian, so I'm trying this out- it's going brilliantly. I have come to terms that I don't want a huggy relationship just yet; I want to experience sex. And I am old enough to look exactly for what I want. And that's fine as long as I am safe and care about people's feelings. I know I don't like clubbing, like for a fact, so I put my converese on and hang at rock bars.

What I am trying to say is that it's cool, you don't have to convince anyone that you are this perfect human being . You just have to convince yourself that you are. Cause YOU ARE. And then, like some kind of magic, you will attract only 'shiny happy people' your way :)

and having said all these, stay tuned for the time that my moodiness and bitchiness strikes back to this post..

p.s. comment down below what is that one characteristic that makes you feel nice and comfortable with yourself.

WHY WEEKENDS intro

So I have come up with this idea, that I will make a 'why' post every weekend. I had fun writing my previous post (why I am dumping yet another guy), so I thought I will try to make this a thing. Of course it will be in a more journal-y way, so feel free to add any suggestions/comments or even topics.

I thought about moving this to a whole other blog, but decided to start it here every weekend, and keep my regular life/ed posts as well during the week.

So stay tuned as I answer some obvious (or not) questions about the life of a 20-something year old girl :)

Why I am dumping yet another guy

The title is pretty obvious as to what you are going to read in these next lines. You probably already know by now that I am fucked up when it comes to relationships. I don't want them. Commitment issues don't even begin to describe what I am feeling when it comes down to this. But, wanting to feel as normal as my friends, after the drama that followed me around when I returned from Peru, I said yes to 'peer pressure' to search for a relationship-material guy. And that's the intro you get.

We met at starbucks. I was studying alone, wanting to keep my sanity after the horror story about G and O (all the confessions, the sex, the texts and the backstage that's been going on), when he spoke to me. We started talking, he seemed cute and normal and I immediately thought 'why not'. So we went for drinks with friends, long walks at the harbour, movies, etc. He seemed so different than the other guys I had been with, so getting a little closer too soon wasn't an issue. We both wanted it, although I was the one to be making the moves. (First hint). I really wanted this to work though, so I let myself go, invited him and his friends to my birthday party and really, kept hanging out with him on a daily basis, forgetting everything about G and O. Before I knew it we were cooking pasta together with him calling me 'baby'. That really shook me off my cloud. We didn't even know each other for a month so wait, I am his girlfriend now?? Some fucking AIR, please!
Summer came along and although I cleared it out to him that we are not together, we kept in touch over skype. Of course when I realised I didn't make a post on my birthday (June 21st) about my year resolutions and I discovered it JUST NOW, I knew something was wrong. I was suffocating every time I heard that Skype 'beep' from him. I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He was so boring, how didn't I see this from the start? We had absolutely nothing to talk about, and the only time we could keep a descent dialogue up was when he was being so fucking judgemental about my every move. Work, lab, drinks, he had a comment for. Combining it with the worst sex I've ever had, I have a comment for you as well: "NO SIR, can't do". And honestly, if we hit it off in any other aspect that wouldn't be an issue. But we have nothing to discuss about, and I am looking for someone to learn things from and experience the world together, not someone to show my true self and have him step on it. Hard. I don't need this shit.

I never feared being alone. Or that 'I am throwing my love chances off the window'.
So, it is what it is.

Feels

My last post was a rough one, I must admit. I tried to keep my negativity low, yet every time I read it I'm thinking 'this girl probably killed herself'. I'm saying this OF COURSE sarcastically (self sarcastically even) because I still remember the pressure that I was under. But I survived and now I got all the time in the world to make my own daily schedule. 

Top priority is studying, then getting thin -or vice versa. Oh my god, times like this my ED gets at it's finest. All that matters is to make the right choices of (not) eating. I know, I KNOW, that I'm only happy when I feel thinner. It's no secret to you anyway.

There are times when I feel empowered and I make the healthiest choices possible because of my illness (heaviest anaemia). I chop salad leaves, avocados, seeds and boil eggs, I cook lentils, I drink orange juice and drink so much water. Others, I fall into self destruction. Fasting to the point that my vision gets blurry -which like with me takes no more than a day of fasting- and smoking. Yes, I said it. Smoking. To a biologist, and a sworn anti-smoker this is self destruction. This is self hating, like any other form of self hating. It releases any pain, it makes me feel in control and I am ashamed of doing it. That's why nobody knows it. I couldn't possibly reveal that to someone. 

Anyway. On another note, I'm having my nails done tomorrow. It's not like I have an appointment or something, I'm just feeling optimistic that I can get one in sort notice. I'm thinking wine red or dark watermelon type of colour.

 

It's time to sleep I guess. Kisses, little lemons!

It's August already.

This week was awful. Like proper awful. I was working daily 8-10 hours at the laboratory, non stop, and I was feeling so blue. Lonely, stressed, afraid (of what?), tired. I kept waking up to nightmares and feeling sad just by taking the bus to university every morning. But now my experiments are over and I feel so relieved. I have two more days or so in there, to make some graphs and then I'm off of there. I had an amazing year with these people, it feels like yesterday when I was so excited but anxious about starting my work there. I will be forever grateful about meeting these scientists, who not only made my year but taught me some life lessons as well. They are also my connection to doing my internship in London on March 2014, which I can't wait.

Holidays? No can't do. I have my exams in 28 days. I feel like this period of time is about testing my patience. I try to stay calm and don't think about summer, cocktails, family time or enough sleep. I don't have time for that. I will hopefully have a relaxed autumn, which I prefer.

But lately I've been feeling like my style has finally come together. I like trying different things and I'm always on the look for edgy styling. My nails have grown so much, I'm proud of that as well. I have painted them dark blue. No, I don't like summer-y colours on my nails. It's always dark- never black.
Other things that make me happy in this hectic period? Hmm. Morning coffee, some geeky laughs about my mice, silver midi rings, mom's lemonade (I still have some left), sandals, random texting with a guy, waking up to an empty stomach.

xx