One Last Kiss

This morning I woke up feeling a little better.. yesterday's paranoia was really exhausting.. Anyways, the feeling what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-me-since-I-don't-seem-to-loose-any-weight-and-I-think-of-my-ex-and-blah-blah-blahh is finally over!!

Woke up, had tons of cold water and a kiwi; I bought 4 of them and now I don't want to leave them here, they will get bad... I love kiwis :)
So maybe I'll have another one until I fly home. My flight is on 17.30 and it's only 35 minutes so I will be home by this afternoon. Still don't know if I'm happy about this. We will find out soon.. Oh, I weighted myself and I am 57.1 again.. I can't help this..I am working out like there's no tmrrw, I eat kiwis and yogurts, drinking Powerade in order not to faint and still don't seem to loose any weight. Can't wait to do the damn blood test and stop eating steaks and vegetables. Not only they make me fat but they are expensive too.

I don't want to spend my money on food..
So I will propably have to go pack my clothes. Oh, I also bought for my parents a cake ("the one me and my friends eat all the time here,you will love it, I totally love it!!" hahaha.. of course I have tasted it like once..a tiny piece at my frined's house but it was tasty indeed). So they won't get suspicious because they ask me what I eat on the phone and I'm like: ehm..what?

Love ya*

I totally have a thing for athletes..

And yes the title is so damn relevant this time. I know you propably don't care about my relationships, my sex life, etc, but I really have to do this.. I mean, obviously I have a thing for athletes, being a gym freak myself and addicted to anything that has sports in it, I couldn't not have one.. of course I'm not that low, I don't like only athletes but I prefer them, if I have to be ohnest.
My ex was (well still is) a professional basketball player, the guy here (we were only dating..) plays football and tonight I met this extremelly good looking guy who is a professional footballer. Well how nice huh? The thing is they are all younger than me! I mean wtf?
I don't see how I simply cannot attract any adults lately.. It used to be so funny but now starts to really annoy me. Oh wait, last night at the club I met St. and he is 26, so what's all the complaining about? For one thing I didn't like him and also he is too old for me.
I can't be satisfied can I? Hmmm...
It's not a good day for me, my ex is throwing a party and he invited me but oh, well I wouldn't go anyways.. Like I wasn't moody enough about this, I met this guy tonight and he is the same age, he seemed to like me too and is a sports pro. Ironic huh?
I can be really paranoid about my ex. Don't know why, doesn't even matter.. But how can I move on when I'm stuck with them?
...
This was one trashy trashy post.. But now I feel a lot better :)
I think I should propably go to sleep.
Nobody was awake to calm me down, so I made this post* REALLY SORRY =)

Hey Boy Hey Girl*

End of examsssss!!! Yeiii :) ..oh,and I passed my Physics exam! Maybe the only one I will but who cares? Exams are over and I am still happy ..happier of course and I like that.. Well I have my friends over tonight, we will go clubbing first and then they will come and sleep at my house!

See, I am making lots of effort to be nice, lovely, adorable and you know what, I actually like it!! The part I don't like is that I went to buy some things for my kitchen for breakfast. I wouldn't want to offer my mustard as breakfast, it woulnd't be polite to have nothing either. So I thought..what do normal ppl eat in the morning? And I bought two different types of juices and two different types of cookies. Well the lady at the supermarket -who totally adores me and I love her for that!- told me to buy a whole bunch of cookies,but told her I don't wish left-overs.. at all! She gave me that strange look and then told me about how important is breakfast and that I don't seem to eat breakfast and I do bad.. blah blah blahhhh.. but whatever..

So my kitchen just got dirty. And I'm at my room with a cup of cherry yogurt,217cals, which seems to be all around my house today. Oh, and I had a steak with grilled vegetables blood test is coming duh!

I also went to the gym for my tae bo class and tmrrw when the 3 girls leave I'm going to do some shopping. I bought a pair of ballerina's shoes from Uterque today, and since I found the perfect ring (long story short,my mom wanted to buy me a ring for my 18th birthday..I'm almost 20 hahaha) I'll buy it tmrrw. Oh and I need pillowcases too.

*by Chemical Brothers

Just making things clear..

Well hating is sth I just can't stand. Yes, I admitt being snob, I even have several posts about that and how I would like to change it although I sometimes like it, but I've never been a hater. Hating is all about you feeling better making fun of other ppl.. It is so low..

So please you people stop making fun of fat ppl. I mean seriously. Cut it. I have to say I was never considered fat, never been laughted at about my body even though what I think of myself is a disaster. But there are many friends of mine that have been dealing with fat comments and it's the most disturbing and hummiliating thing. Okay, this is only my opinion, but seriously I need to protect these ppl, I always have. This thing can destroy your psychology even more than pro-ana does, it can actually make you hate yourself forever, not until you reach perfection..
And because I strongly believe that thin equals perfection, doesn't mean everybody does or has to.. And even though starving myself is what I think of a diet, I will never make fun of someone who tries to loose weight but still eats. I'll never do that because some ppl aren't strong enough, or even better THEY HAVE LIVES. Good ones. And LOOOOVE to be happy and to eat with friends, etc. And not staying home alone even though they feel lonely. Just because I think of Ana as one of my friends, I'll never make fun of a bigger person.


This requires just the slightest of education, to know that making fun of ppl doesn't make you better..it makes you that smallest person, and you should feel at least guilty. I mean that. Seriously.

*Vinyasa Yoga night tonight! Also, dropped a size!!*

Do you remember? Cause I remember..

It's so nice to do whatever you want.. this freedom, I wouldn't change it for the world. Woke up this morning and felt so nice, actually I like this feeling, and it was gone for a while now.. I don't know how long it will last, but I'll try to make the most of it :)

I went for a walk with my friends, didn't actually shop something because I want to loose some more kilos before I get new clothes. Of course I told them I'm out of money as I have to get my luggage today, a travel folder for my netbook and my perfume. So they believed that instead. I've missed my perfume, Chanel Coco mademoiselle.. Of course Victoria's Secret Noir was good and I have nice memories of it too. I believe that perfume is sometimes the only thing capable to remind you of times in your life. I love the feeling when you smell sth but don't know what reminds you of, you just have the warm feeling of the smell..


My intake for today is about 1000 cals or maybe less.. I'm not sure cause I had a steak with vegetables for lunch and one morning coffee, 30cals, so I'm not sure.
I'm sure I'm not eating for the rest of the day,though. Just some cups of oolong tea, please *

Every lie that you've denied..

Does your past make who you are or is it what you do in the future? I really don't know, but since they say someone can start fresh, maybe the second one feels more appropriate. Anyway, I realised today my voice is not loud enough. My last post was about becoming the outgoing person I used to be, and hide -or erase- my snobby character because I can be nice, and that is what ppl want. Someone nice. I thought no big deal, I can do that but found some difficulties today this morning, at the uni. I realised that people I igonred because I didn't feel comfortable at the moment to talk to, or thought they wouldn't find me interesting, today I felt they ignored me back. Wow. I have to work on this ,too.
Of course today was my last exam, I have computers too, but who cares, and I'm happy for that! I can sleep more and stay away from home and my fridge!! Not that has something in it, today there was not even water in there, but u know there always are some cereals in the upper cupboard. Tmrrw I plan to go get a new book, a trolley bag for Saturday and visit Uterque. This happens to be my favorite store lately, well of the stores my stupid island has..
Today my intake was a cereal bar,89 cals, and a salad 356cals and that's eat. I'll have a kiwi too 25cals, in order to take my pill. It's gym night tonight, and I plan to work out really hard, now that I don't need energy for exams :) so it's 470 for today. Good.

Happy girLs are indeed the prettiest. I see that now.

Let's make sth clear. I have an eating disorder, but I'm not anorexic. I have a life too. And I am planning to be happy and recover from all this.. there is not a condition I enjoy, I like to think of it as a path through perfection. But a path that ends somewhere. Somewhere nice. I don't plan to fade away, I do not enjoy fainting in from of my friends. It's not sth I want to live with for the rest of my life. Hiding from everyone, telling lies about what I eat, even lying about going to the gym because I was supposed to study.

I like to dream.. a lot. My dreams are peacefull now.
But I continue to throw away my food, I will propably always count calories and feeling just a bit guilty about eating some birthday cake, but I will go to birthday parties, I will walk around and meet new ppl and I won't be scared anymore. I know I have a long road ahead. I also set a ticker at the bottom of my blog and I'm sure these 5 kilos will be difficult to loose. But I won't let my disorder hold me back. This blog is about me. Not about my ED. And I plan to fill these pages with my life and not with tears and depression. I don't want ppl to be sad about me, even gossip.
"oh she has everything, but she can never get enough..look at her, she feels miserable like nothing is good enough for her, what a drama queen. hate these girLs"
now whaaat? I cannot believe it.. I am so full of nice things to say, but always went the bitchy and snobby way, and now here they go. They feel sad about me, wtf??
....
Tmrrw is unofficially the end of my exams. It felt like agess.. I know I can be strong now. Sorry if this post was a bit tiring but I need to write these down so I can read them over and over until I will be able to breath and smile at the same time. =)
*relevant title for once, yeiii

Ha ha ha

Omg you will never believe what just happened! I opened my freezer to take some ice cubes and there it was : half of a bottle of Tuborg Soda freaking frozen!! Okay I really don't recall putting it in there.. It has also a red straw inside haha, I cannot pull it out :)
That really made my day.
I have soda now!! Or..in a while :D

What's so wrong with me that you can't love me?*

He doesn't know. She doesn't know. And nobody else knows.. they would not understand. Sometimes I wonder what their reaction will be when I pronounce the word thinspo... they would not understand.. and I don't have the courage to explain.

I'm calm today, so peacefull. Almost like high..I can feel stardust all around me.. this is the psycho talking, I know.. I like it though.. Didn't eat much today, slept a lot, quite nice! Yesterday was bad. I mean I was heavily depressed, again.
Now I see my fridge has a cherry yogurt,184cals, two bottles of water and filter coffee. Oh, and a mild mustard don't even remember buying it, propably gone bad.. And I need some soda. There's no soda in my fridge though.. Fuck. I'll make a tea instead. It's only a pink hot water cause I put the teabag in just for the colour, just a little.. Oh, and I painted my nails light green.. I love it :)
Damn it's time for Chemistry(2) and I am so bored.
*by Dead Celebrity Status -Someone I once knew

annamaRia

Just tuna and coffee..it almost makes me sick.

My head hurts so badly.. Of course there's nothing I can do about it, as I refuse to take any medication unless it's sth really bad..that's why I haven't taken my pills for almost a week, I know it's stupid though. But since I started taking these pills -for more than 8 years or sth- I have never taken them properly. Even when I had to take like 3 or 4 a day. I'm a really stupid girL at times...

I take my vitamins though.. in order to spend hours at the gym burning cals I must take some vitamins. And believe me nothing's gonna stop me from working out. Like tonight I have yoga class but tmrrw morning it's my Chemistry(I) exam.. I'm going to yoga class no matter what. I really don't care about my exams this semester, I know I should...

So today my scale showed 57 again. It really starts to annoy me this thing, I am so looking forward to 55.sth but I guess I have loooong time to go.

In a week I'm going home. Don't know why the hell I decided to do that, really. Anyway hope it's gonna be alright. Few hours ago I was watching an episode of "The City".. Last year when there was nothing to do I watched "The Hills" so I thought today I should see what City was all about. The only think I got is that my clothes are stupid, my legs are fat and I really want a model-shaped boyfriend. HA!! Guess I'm not going to watch another episode. Like really..

I really like LC -if you watched the Hills you know her, maybe for some it's a bit pathetic but what can you do- and her style. I think she was my first thinspo and a big style icon cause my style relates a lot to hers. Of course now with all that lace I'm a bit destracted but oh, well. I also found this picture of Olivia on the web and I was like wow. I really like her legs and her style but it's quite formal for me..

It's a hoLe in the wall.

Okay, so she told me she didn't tell anything.. And then what was all that "do you need to tell me sth?" from my mom?.. Pfff I don't think it's worth thinking of it anymore, I was just pissed..

I went to the gym about an hour ago to do my tae bo class and I did so ooo fucking good!! You know today's my ex's birthday (previous post title..) and I'm not in the best mood. So I went to the gym and just "kicked some ass" hahaha!! Oh I had so much fun :) and stayed more than usual so propably burned lots of cals.. Well idk why this day affected me much, I broke up with him but oh, well..

So today I had two slices of pineapple, two salads and a cherry diet yogurt, I'm happy with these. And of course about a litre of plain coffee.. and still feel sleepy when it comes to studying. My stupid book weights 3.8 kilosss!! this is almost how much I want to loose for my GW1, so ironic...

I love rainbows & oh,happy birthday..

This is all sooo frustrating.. I mean can I trust anyone any more? Why she keeps doing that?

Well, I'm talking about my older sister, she claims we're best friends and then tells everything to our mom.. Wtf?
Of course I'm no idiot, she doesn't know about my ED, I mean she is a psychologist she's gonna freak out! But I hate it when I want to tell her sth about my life that mom doesn't need to know.. Yeah I'm talking about my sex life or about my grades at uni (luckily the secong one is sth she doesn't tell..) but how can I be sure she doesn't? Ever? Like yesterday. I asked for her opinion about applying for a job at Zara, Berska,etc. I told her that parents don't need to know yet. And then my mom calls me today saying "did u talk to your sister yestersay? Is sth you would like to tell me?" Fuckkkk!!! It's not sth that important but just I hate it. And I really want to be able to tell her stuff cause I love her so much.

Anyway, I'm looking for a job in order to keep me distracted and away from home.. I don't want to have time to think about what I eat anymore, I don't want to have time to eat anymore. So along with Biology studies and my gym, I still have a lot of time at home and seriously don't need that! So why not working and earning money I can save?

What do you think? I'm planning to start from Feb part time..

<--- I love what she is wearing btw!

I wish you lived down the street..

Okay, so I think you've realised by now that my titles don't have a thing to do with what I post.. just making that clear. Today I was so busy with housework and studying (finally!) that almost forgot to eat.. I was all day with a cup of coffee in my hands and now my hands are shaking haha..Almost, I said. Of course my beloved mom called this morning to noon, and kept telling me what to eat because she said now I'm going home I'm gonna to a blood test -again- so they'll know how well I've been eating. Hm how about not eating at all?? It's not I'm scared or sth, it's just I cannot have that talking shit all over again. So I had some chicken with tomato and now I'll have some yogurt oh, and I had pineapple this morning..

Anyways, I so fell in love with a song today. Oh,I just love it. It's "you make me feel" from Archive. They always have those moody songs I keep falling in love with...

I decided today I want to go for a drink with my friends. It's been so long since I last went out..

Still or Sparkling?

When I excercise I feel so great. You know, if I wasn't to become a biologist I had my application done for a personal and group trainer. Basically that's what I wanted to be the most but noooo, I had to study science. I'm glad I chose to be a biologist but sometimes I am so jealous when I go to the gym classes. In my hometown my trainer was willing to give me some sort of scholarship in order to be a trainer but I was studying for the university exams. Too bad.

So the happy thing is that I found a new yoga style and new yoga days! Even though I'm more of an aerobics, tae bo or step class, now that I started a new form of excercise I am so passionate about it! So Wednesday and Friday are definitely yoga days :)

Oh, my half apple is turning black.. just hate it when that happens. Finally I ate it, it;s the stupid apple I am trying to eat all week lol..

I'm feeling much more lighter today and happier (duh!) I hope you are great too!!

Blame It On The Rain

That's DSQUARED's logo for this year's rain boots. And that's what I am doing: Blaming it on the rain. How couldn't I? All night long due to the rain, lightnings, thunders idk what else, the stupid electricity went on and off and all my devices were ticking and yelling. Great. Coulnd't sleep but couldn't do anything else either because of my massive stomach ache. So I ended up 7 o'clock in the morning watching online TV as I couldn't move and felt soooo fucking dizzy.

And I blame it on the rain..

A litre of oolong tea, a bottle of vitaminC and some awfull pennes later I was feeling a little better, I even studied a bit. I'm having my Psysics exam tmrrw. Not that I care much about that fact but oh, things must be done.

I had a lot of time to think this weekend, all this time I was supposed to study, and I reached a conclusion that more or less goes like this:

"Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life." -Omar Khayyam

Well it's not like I became much of a philosopher but I am so ready to live a happy life. And yeah Flyleaf's "Fully alive" was at my speakers all day long.. luv them*

Hmm what else to say? Just that in a week I'm going back home for some medical tests and to see my parent's and friends I did not have time to see on xmas. Hope it goes better than xmas. Because it was a complete disaster..

And the rain goes on and on.. omg it sounds so bad I don't even want to go and see. I guess I was spoiled enough by the great weather and this is considered unacceptable.

Guess tmrrw sb is going to need those rain boots after all hahaha!

xoxo

"What's in my bag??"

Clearly yesterday wasn't one of the days I wanna remember. I woke up feeling a lot better after sleeping for about 11 hours. That's obvious I believe.
I was wandering around youtube this morning and saw some videos titled "what's in my bag?" and thought it was really boring for others to see. I kinda liked it myself though.. So I decided to write about what's in my bag.

So.. my huge green leather bag today -and usually- has my purse with my I.D, money, cards, some receipts and bus tickets. There also is an umbrella, which was a gift from my mom a few xmas ago, my pills of course, not that I take them as often as I must and my glasses, without these I can't see long distances! I have my cellphone, which is a Samsung Star S5230 and my mp3 that I use when I'm walking to choose what to hear and what not to..Wierdo huh?? There is a notebook-calendar from Topshop which I love, a pen and a pink highlighter, a pack of gums Orbit spearmint sugarfree, my Chanel Coco Mademoiselle purse spray that I carry around wherever I go, my home keys and some tissues. Of course there are my two lipsticks, my cherry Liposan and the Estee Lauder lipstick and some small Sweet'N Low packs.

Oh and if I have to take my pc with me for my notes, my bag also contains my new netbook :)

Luckily I don't have to carry around the laptop anymore because then my bag is so full I'm afraid to look for my cellphone when it's ringing lol.

If you did find all these boring sorry...

But if you did like it well, I'm waiting for your "what's in my bag" post *

Luv ya..

I'm cold..

I just did an online test for eating disorders and my score was 26. It says that if your score is over 20 you may have an eating disorder and you must see a psychiatrist(?) to examine your condition. Damn. The only thing missing in my life is another health issue I should care for.

Don't know why I took the test in the fist place. I guess I was just curious..

Today I had two latte, two fitness bars and for lunch I had tuna and corn. Oh, and some almonds and Maltesers too. I keep avoiding my friends who want to go out to eat. So great.. Isn't it? I keep avoiding ppl the same time I feel so alone.. Well I see now that nothing has changed since last year. Indeed.

And the shit about all these is that I can't study anymore..

What drives me insane?

And this is a condition I can't explain.. Literally I cannot. In less that 12 hours I've been feeling that range of emotions, it's driving me crazy!!! ..this morning I was a little miserable but then tried to operate my new netbook and couldn't so I started crying feeling I couldn't do anything right anymore. It's insane... Then, when Jason helped me fix this, I was feeling very calm and a few hours later I dressed up and went to starbucks to study hoping that he -the guy that works there and is so hot lol- would be there. He wasn't there unfortunatelly, but I was ok and studied for 3 hours feeling just fine. But as I was leaving I felt again so lonely;
it's so tiring all this...

Anyway I would like to confess that even though I don't smoke and propably never will, sometimes I need sth to calm me down. Then I think of alcohol.. Of course being pro-ana and a biologist, there are two thoughts on my mind: smoking kills and alcohol has so many cals it's like a sin.. So I've recently found a new addiction, a silly one you might think---> lace.

I love lace. I can spend hours trying to find the perfect lace dress, or leggings (..I haven't yet) and thinking how I can wear them with my lovely sandal heels. It's not that I'm addicted to shopping, it's just I can't do otherwise. And of course smoking is never an option. Vodka shots sometimes are but try not to drink too much..

Oh, and yoga yesterday helped me relax a little, hope it's also burning some fat because this class is written on my schedule plan for every Friday.. I recommend it*

We walk

I saw him today at the bus stop. Or better he saw me. I have been avoiding him for about one week and a half now and today we met. Okay I was calm, I never over-react, I knew someday this would happen. But today as I was at the stop buying a juice (160cals) on my way to the hospital ? Well I didn't see that coming.

Never mind.. So today is weighting day. This morning the scale showed 57.1 but ohnestly I was feeling much heavier. I guess that's good. I had that juice for breakfast and 3 diet cheese cookies cause I had to take some pills. And in abou two hours I'm going with my cousin to a fish tavern. Hope she doesn't order shit. Some fish and calamari would be nice. We'll see. And then I will have a coffee at starbucks and after that it's my yoga class today so I'm not eating anything else. Or maybe yesterday's apple after the gym.

And now they are calling me to tell me my netbook has arrived. Wtf? I was there like half an hour ago and there was nothing, it pisses me off when things like that happen.

Oh, well.

Incapable is the word.

Nothing has changed. Now I see it myself. Not a damn thing. I thought everything would change, that these last two years were a dramatic part of my life and nothing else. I should know better.
And now I'm feeling this emotion again. Sucks. Takes every happiness you know you deserve. And then you start to think: maybe if I was skinny enough, if my hair were longer and better highlighted, if I had more friends who understand me or if I was a little smarter (well ok, that last one is ridiculous, but honestly I cannot study anymore, I don't want to) ...then maybe I could be happy and live this fucking life to the full. But there are times, just like this one, when I feel completely lonely.

Things must be done, so I went to the gym and ate one apple instead of two, but this doesn't feel any better. I can't sleep either although I'll try cause tmrrw I need to wake up at 7.30 to pay some bills go to the hospital and go get my netbook. I'm running out of energy just thinking about it.
So goodnight *

Your life, it seems..

I refused to get out of bed today. So I slept for an extra hour. Seems I needed that, cause then I was feeling a lot better. I even opened all the windows of my house. Light.

For three or so days now I only opened the windows of the room where I study and this was bringing me down I guess. Much better now.

I also have 3 followers!! Oh, thank you thank you so much girls*

it means a lot to me that someone with the same interests is reading my posts. Hope what I write down interests you. I'll try my best for that :)

So I had some cereals with low fat milk cause it will expire soon. I hate when this happens. Decided I'm not going to the supermarket any more, my fridge already has what I need. Water, lipton linea peach ice tea (3cals wow), 3 apples and some frozen spinach pies my mom made for me during xmas. Actually I need to remember to throw these away if she comes, and tell her they were delicious, yes my mom loves to cook for her daughter.

"She obviously needs home made food in her condition. Well food in general." Oh...

Is it time to make things clear about what I have?

Well it is some sort of heavy anemia and that's all I am comfortable to say about it.

So I counted my cals for today. Cereals, two apples and rice with tuna for lunch is about 710 cals all together. Not bad but I can do better.

Yesterday didn't go to starbucks and that didn't help. I have to go today, I don't seem to study a lot at home..

Woodland Berry

So I finally got the lipstick I was looking at the airports all over the world for! I bought it for 19euro instead of 25 and that makes me very happy. You should know, I love sales. And now I love this lipstick too!

Today was a little busy day but got some jobs done. Went to the hospital and to order my netbook then got a smaller size in the gym pant I've recently bought (yeiiii!) and got a face mask to cheer up my confidence because yesterday wasn't a good day.

I ordered the netbook on a black instead of the white one I wanted cause I believe the white one becomes dirty easily.

Let's now come to the point. I weighted myself although I shouldn't cause I said I'm gonna weight myself every Monday and Friday. So today I was 57.3 again. Damn.

My cals for today are approx. 850 and I have an apple left to eat during the afternoon. I don't fell like telling you what I had for lunch cause I'm embarrashed. But let's say it wasn't good.

Now I'm going to study Physics. Omg the book is sooo huge. If I get tired in here maybe I'll go to starbucks to study but I want to try my face mask so propably I'll stay home and clean a bit.

xoxo

I can't play where I'm not supposed to anyway

I'm not feeling very good. I mean, mentally and physically. Yesterday at the gym I was so pale, my hands became white and I couldn't breath easily. Well this class was supposed to be a piece of cake for me.. of course I was always tired but yesterday was a whole lot different thing. Anyways I had fun. Working out is always entertaining for me for no apparent reason.

I woke up so hungry today and ate half yoghurt and a fitness bar 189cals all. Of course that didn't stop my hands from this thing they are doing. They are shaking just a little bit all day. And I can't blame it on the tall mocha frapuccino light I had, 125cals, cause it started long before. I don't know I'm feeling quite pessimistic today, no reason. I walked a little bit, went for shopping and bought a GAP pant for the gym and a Massimo Dutti jacket. And now I'm so damn bored to study or to do anything. I think I'll never reach my goal although this morning I was 57. Without the point. Well it's some kind of progress, but I can't wait that long. I have 3 more kilos just to reach my GW1 and now this seems impossible to me. It's not that I'm hungry now.. but I want some change.

Told you I'm not feeling good, this post won't be pleasant.

Yes, I want a change.. like right now. Don't know why I feel I'm suffocating during this exam period...

A common secret?

Today was my two first exams for this period and I sucked in a way in both of them. But because I didn't have enough time to study before xmas, I wasn't feeling very guilty.. So today that I weighted myself I was 57.3 and ate half yoghurt to prevent my stomach from making noises during the tests. Then me and my friends went to the center so I was forced to eat in front of them half salad which was about 115cals and a small candy that one of them brought for me from her hometown. Well that sucked. Not only was I forced to eat it all, but had to tell her it was delicious the same time I was starting to panic about breaking the diet I had just started. Oh well I'll keep going and just forget what I did.

At the moment I'm "window shopping" online at some US stores and I am totally in the mood for new clothes and new thinspo!! My sister is going to NY so I'm making a small (let's say not really.. lol) list of what I want her to send me.

I'm also looking for cheap tickets for May to go to London.. Black Eyed Peas are having a concert at the O2 arena and I so badly want to go!! By May I know I will have reached at least my first goal so it will be so amazing! I love getting dressed to go out in London. Everywhere you look there is a new trend and you can be both inspired and thinspired. I always end up loving the photos I took and looooooving the new clothes I bought! Of course I should mention I always go on a strict diet just before I visit London..

Tonight I'm going to the gym; every Monday I do step dance and it really knock my socks out! I always end up melting and with my hair almost wet but it sure does worth it..

So my thinspo buddy has suddenly disappeared haha.. She is my friend and decided she wants to follow me and be buddies and she's the only one who knows what I am doing. Let's call her Nicole. Everybody else thinks that this will effect my health, as it's not already messed up, and I don't need such insane things. But you know, it really sucks when nobody supports you and nobody understands.

But I think if you reached in that point of my blog without saying wtf is she talking about, then YOU understand me and support what I do.

Well thank you for that.

:)

Coffee or tea please?

This blog is about me.

Actually about my story of trying to be perfect. The way I want, the skinny way and anna inspires me to keep strong. Cause in this world no one thinks of you as attractive if you are not skinny. And I shall never feel attractive if I'm not skinny.

My HW is 58 kilos (sorry I'm counting in kilos). My CW is 57.3 so annoying!

My first GW would be 54 and second 52.

Then we'll see..

Starting to get addicted to coffee. I mean now that it's exam period I spend my mornings at starbucks studying and have either a plain grande coffee or a grande nonfat latte (I read that it has only 100cals plz let me know if I'm wrong!!). That's my breakfast and if it's pills day I have a "fitness bar" too for 89cals.

But I love coffee as much as I love tea.

And I could just live on coffee and tea.

I'm telling you now: this week I will only eat yoghurts, salads (when can't avoid it), apples and fitness bars. Coffee, tea and fresh orange juice when it comes to pills.

Starting from tmrrw until Saturday -at least!

xoxo

It's a start

I am in a mood for change.
Well I've been in that mood for two years now and the only thing I managed to do for this is to move away from my parent's house, to a whole new place. Oh, and to highlight my hair lol. Actually the first one proved really nice, having a good time meeting new ppl working out etc. The second maybe needs a little bit of fixing cause I'm literally turning into a blonde with all the sun here, sth I am so scared of, as I'm a proud brunette and always have been one!!

So in the name of changing things I decided to start taking yoga classes once a week, every Friday that is. Hope it goes well, I have been in the athlete's world since I was like two so how hard could it be, right?
I should also mention that I am a true follower of anything that has to do with thinspiration. For about a year I've been to all these thinspiration sites that really helped me be me after all. I was really depressed and lonely because of what I had to do last year.. I'm not any more.

Hmm... last thing to say is that I'm not a native speaker so plz forgive me for any/many mistakes I might do. And that this is my first blog and I'm not sure I'm using it the correct way.

kisses, AM