I like to dream.. a lot. My dreams are peacefull now.
But I continue to throw away my food, I will propably always count calories and feeling just a bit guilty about eating some birthday cake, but I will go to birthday parties, I will walk around and meet new ppl and I won't be scared anymore. I know I have a long road ahead. I also set a ticker at the bottom of my blog and I'm sure these 5 kilos will be difficult to loose. But I won't let my disorder hold me back. This blog is about me. Not about my ED. And I plan to fill these pages with my life and not with tears and depression. I don't want ppl to be sad about me, even gossip.
"oh she has everything, but she can never get enough..look at her, she feels miserable like nothing is good enough for her, what a drama queen. hate these girLs"
now whaaat? I cannot believe it.. I am so full of nice things to say, but always went the bitchy and snobby way, and now here they go. They feel sad about me, wtf??
....
Tmrrw is unofficially the end of my exams. It felt like agess.. I know I can be strong now. Sorry if this post was a bit tiring but I need to write these down so I can read them over and over until I will be able to breath and smile at the same time. =)
*relevant title for once, yeiii
You're so lucky you have a life. I had one. Just recently when my screwed up brain clicked back in and let me realize I'd gained over 30 pounds in "recovery" I cut myself off from the world. Stopped talking to friends, don't reply to text messages, and now all I have is a blog and an empty stomach.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say that I enjoyed going out with friends and being "happy", but it was always in the back of my mind. "How many crisps have I eaten?" "Is that guy looking at me because he's attracted or because he thinks I look like a whale?"
this will never go away will it?
ciao, fiona.