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I have tried everything. Every possible chance to get out of the country. No one is wiling to move though. Even for three days, it would still be fine. I just want to know I have planned holidays ahead but no, that's not going to happen.

Anyway, I should stop and focus on what I'm doing at the moment, which isn't little. Laboratory time is daily now and I'm trying to find a way to multi task because today I literally had to be at 1st and 3rd university floor at the same time. I mean, please, show some mercy, you hectic schedule!
My grades came out today, I've passed the two exams I was waiting anxiously for, so today I feel calm and happy with myself. Tomorrow I will be given a paper at Neurobiology to prepare and I seriously hope it's a fancy disease (not as creepy as it sounds if you are a biology/medicine student).

In other news, my mom called me and among other things she told me she is starting a diet. My mom has been overweight most of her life and the pressure on me not to be has given me these weird thinking. I have told about that many times, so no point to say it again; I'm thankful though.
My sister is already on a diet, so when we all reunite at Easter holidays I MUST BE THE SKINNY ONE. I mean, I can't even risk it. Tomorrow if I am able to go to the gym (I'm kinda feverish atm), I will start going daily, even if it's for a run on the treadmill. *I must overcome my fear to run on a treadmill, yes :p

oh, the things I would do to look like this 

(there, I've said it!)

Let the game begin

I wish I could make some different life choices. I know exactly what I want from my life at the moment. Not many 21 year olds know. But my fears are (and always have been) holding me back. 

Here today is a bank holiday. Like a Sunday. I went out to eat with friends, it was fun but I got so wet from the rain getting back home. Weather is crazy here, as I am assuming at most of the world. Anyway.

Britttany Vitale asked me: "What do you do when you feel overwhelmed from overbooking?"

Well, as I have explained, I am at a stage in my life when thinking and sitting by myself with nothing to do makes me so sad. I keep thinking, voluntarily bringing myself down, so I have decided this madness has to stop. I always try to multi task because I have always been a restless child/girl/woman, who gets easily bored. 

But if I find myself indeed overwhelmed from the tasks I usually get an hour off of things to myself. I either have an aerobics class at the gym so that I cheer up (it has always been that way) OR I go window shopping with a huge latte and my iPod.  

Tomorrow is another full day. I have booked a facial treatment at 10am, I have work at the fish Lab at 12am and then classes from 2pm-5pm. In the afternoon I have a "Boot camp" class at the gym which I am hopeful I can pull off. 

dream thin, girls

Weekends.bore.me.

In an attempt to keep my weekly energy during the weekend too, I tried a Zumba class at the gym. I thought how more pathetic could I possibly be, but then again the gym was max-ed up on a Saturday night. So, what the hell, I went to Zumba.

Has anyone tried it? The instructor (female) was very pretty, with the classic "zumba" T-shirt, a huge smile and a funny accent. The music was okay, although the moves were not very "me". Maybe if I had a couple of vodka shots I would have accepted the fact that half of the moves were booty shaking! All in all, I had fun but it's not my idea of workout. Definitely I would try it again if Saturday night finds me with nothing else to do.

Anyway, we were probably 20-25 people in the class. One girl was anorexic-looking, haven't seen her around much. Everyone was giving her weird looks. She was severely underweight. My friend looked at her, then me and said "it is so sad". I looked away. After class we headed to the lockers room and she changed in front of us after her shower. I looked at her legs trying not to be seen. People would think I was staring at her but I only cared about this thigh gap. I felt sorry about myself. She put on so many layers of clothing and headed out looking like an Eskimo. I always though if I reached my ideal weight I would wear knee high socks and shirt dresses and nice cardigans matching my converse,something like "relaxed street style", not my sweats on top of the shirt.
If I could talk to her and not sound like a crazy person, these would be my questions. "how do you feel? do you enjoy this body that you worked so hard for? have you ever, at least once, felt perfect? do you wear fashion clothes? do you even care about looking pretty anymore?" and then I would tell her how I envy her thigh gap. Cause it's true.

It's already Thursday night.

And it's raining, what more can a girl ask? 

My first Neurobiology class was quite strange. That early in the morning found me sitting at class alone, as none of my friends were able to wake up. You should know by now that I am rather strange when it comes to interaction with other people. There are lots of people I don't talk to in my class. Girls don't tend to like me much, usually commenting on my clothing and the fact that I went to a private school at the capital of my country.. Oh well, haters gonna hate so I don't bother socialising with everyone.

There's this girl lately who once or twice I have found talking about me with her friend. We have never talked to each other. The strange thing is that this morning came and sat next to me, talking all the time, offering her phone when mine was out of signal and generally trying to make me laugh and keep the conversation going. Anyway, when I find out what she wants from me, I will let you know :p

In other news, I booked an appointment with a day spa tomorrow. It's a marketing thing, they offer you one spa treatment, whether it's a facial or a bikini wax. I am only interested in a back massage. So if we could arrange something like that, I would be so interested!

I so much need a trip to Zara...

Where busy time never ends.

That's where you will find me. Girls, I made it. I max-ed up my schedule! I go to every single one of my semester classes, I have two extra lectures that are super difficult, I took Cell Biology again for a better grade and German language course as well. I started working at a Fish lab and started gym. Ta -dah!
Busy bee. I am constantly on the run, I go for drinks at night and I aspire to go shopping someday soon. But, above all, I am happy. I don't have time to over-eat,over-think or get bored, so everything is great! My (two) boys are on vacation so I am relaxed that no one will try and hurt me/pressure me and being away from these complicated situations is indeed fun.

Oh, I also got strawberries! Strawberries can make me happy like that, but nothing beats cherries.. I will wait a few months until cherry season, it's al right.

This is what I want. To be happily exhausted. Only this.

With the (Christmas) lights on

A flat Sunday. At least. Sundays are just so much for me, but today I am in an "okay" mood, so all is good. My intake will reach 650 calories by the end of the day so I feel good.
Tomorrow I start gym (96 euro for three months, totally worth it). I will start with a "body sculpt" class because the ones I usually go (step, aerobics, fight bo) don't suit me time wise. Spinning isn't good for me yet, I will die on the bike and make complete fool of myself. I will give my body two weeks to adapt and then sign up for a spinning class.

I went shopping with K couple of days ago. She needed jeans and a cardigan and she values my opinion. She isn't that picky, so it was a little boring (and convenient). She described me as "normal to skinny" and asked what number do I wear on jeans, demanding an honest opinion. I wear one size less than her, why wouldn't I be honest with a friend? I wear my clothes baggy, she commented.
Well I answered your damn question now, didn't I?

Anyway, today I kept thinking about food, I'm not going to lie. Pancakes, chocolate, pizza, everything crossed my hungry mind. But I reminded myself than although my mind was hungry, my body is far from full lately. So I had some plain red meat, dried apples and coffee. Tomorrow morning's smile on my face will compensate for not eating today, I remind myself. I will be the skinny friend, I remind myself. I will wear baggy jean shorts and look skinny in them, I remind myself. I will get compliments, I remind myself.
Then I'm not hungry anymore.
Does this mean I am back? I will tell you next Sunday...

teach me, Kate (aka the master)

Sunny day

What do you do when everything around you seems pointless? Well for a start, complain for about a week through your blog, writing suicidal posts and eat like a happy (not) hippo. But then , THEN, it's time to act. 

Last night I forgot every problem for a while and locked myself in my bedroom. Safe and sound, I tried to refocus on my goals. Went online and looked up Master's Courses (MSc) at some London Universities. Tried to imagine living there, studying and shopping at my dream city, living far away from my problems. It worked.

I checked UCL and Imperial for IVF (in vitro fertilization) courses and some Neurobiology ones and my mood began to change. I also searched some inspirational bikini photos and realised that 3 months from now I will be running around in a bikini. And these legs are not acceptable. Nor this stomach. But I have the time to work on that, if I stay calm and focused.

One more thing that makes me happy is that I can take a Neurobiology class this semester, despite my low grades. I must focus on my studies because I am aiming very high ranked universities. But London is London, and I will fight for it.

I also did a little shopping search. I am in love with this necklace. This morning I went to the coffee place and got an XL cappuccino (which isn't that big, like a Starbucks Grande) and I am planning on eating oranges today. I have so much to study and it's only been a week of classes. 

nevertheless, smile mode: ON

Little update.

Why can't I do this?
this has been a truly emotional week for me. I normally can hide how shit I am constantly feeling, but this time my friends realised, my mother at home realised, my sister living on another continent realised. So yeah, emotional.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I only go to classes and pay attention to the whole lecture avoiding gossiping or funny comments, I keep eating for plain emotional reasons and it kills me. This is so embarrassing; me, eating out of sadness and yet to not be able to stop. Oh, how that brings me down...

Today was a very cold sunny day and I felt a little better. I decided to do a morning meditation before my shower, so that my day will always start peacefully. Don't think that will help but I will give it a try. I am starting gym tomorrow too, so maybe that will give me a slight push.
*fingers crossed*

I remember myself: fake it until you make it.

Until it's strawberry season again, anyway..

Ah, friends

I did not expect things to go that way. It's a nightmare. Two days of classes and I already feel like killing myself. I need to escape from this. I turn to the right, everyone is commenting how skinny he/she has gotten. I turn left and K expects me to make her lose weight. Okay, some random normal girl with a thing for healthy eating and exercise would be flattered but I am suffocating. E and K keep looking at me, examining my body and I can tell. They are supposed to be my friends...

K picked a pack of cookies from the cafeteria and before I even noticed, she kept apologizing telling me she needed them cause she had a rough day. It made me furious and sad. I am not her fucking mother, she is responsible for what she puts in her stomach and if she wants to lose weight she must do it for her, not because I am the freaking boogeyman. I told her that. She gave me a weird look but I don't care anymore. I am putting out fires all over the place lately, and it is really not on my job description. Is it?

I feel so sorry for myself today. It's like I hate being me. Again. I made boiled water (tea is too much flavour right now) and I will spend the night with my book. I need this me time. I didn't eat much, yet I ate more than expected for today. I am going to do this though, do everything it takes to feel nice in my own body. I don't want to feel this way, it's not worth living a disappointing life. It's not.

Monday the 13th.

This is the weekend before the new semester starts. And this is the end of it. Finally. It was quite tragic, yes the word to describe it would be in fact, tragic. I am so happy lectures start tomorrow. I need the busy time more than ever.
Looking at my weekly schedule, I have many hours of back to back classes. Add gym in there (probably I will renew my membership until the end of the week) and you have a happily busy person.

I don't have much to say right now, so I'm gonna list some goals and motivation just below
1) Stop biting fucking nails. ---> get a full manicure
2) Reach 58 kilos (for a start) ---> buy three piece of clothing
3) Study at least 5 hours during weekend ---> Starbucks studying
4) Go to the gym at least 4 days a week ---> well, no reward for this :p

remember, you are working for this.

Fun times..not

Wine has given me the best sleep lately. When you have free wine on your fridge whenever you want/need it, you can be a little selfish and have some on your own, no? Anyway, yesterday E came and we had wine, talked over relationships and saw a movie. It was okay, although my boredom has reached new levels this week, unfortunately.

Here's a little story for you. My friend K went to my home town this week so my mum insisted she give her some food to bring to me, if she could carry things in her suitcase. So K called her and said "yes, of course Mrs. F, give me as many food as you like, don't listen to Annamaria. She needs to eat. But remember to include healthy stuff, cause she is all about eating healthy. Don't worry, I will carry everything myself and make sure she gets them." So mum called me saying that even my friends figured out that I'm not eating.

I should point out that I haven't been heavier in my whole life (scale-wise) and I feel like a baby rhino. Do you know what comes on Sunday for me then? Two kilo worth of meatballs (she'd better cook them my way, no oil added, she knows I can tell), a bag of dried apples (I like them very much), some kind of milk/corn soup, a book I asked for and 8(!) chocolate bars from my grandma. I was relieved to see that the food she chose is healthy and I can eat meat with salad for the rest of my life with that amount of meat. I seriously don't have the strength to ask again not to include the bars from my grandma, it's not right.
Grandparents have a pretty strong relationship with candy :)

The roomate.

I haven't seen my house so clean in months. I spent the last two days mopping, cleaning, organising and throwing/recycling rubbish. I sorted out my wardrobe. This always leaves me with the same feeling: my clothes are ugly, the pretty ones don't look good on me. It's madness, I know. The new post on my other blog will tell you more about my upcoming purchases, I am convinced now to commit to the minimal street style. It suits me.

On to the actual stuff. New semester comes this Monday and of course my diet plan starts once again. I am doing some basic mat exercises these days and using LoseIt.com to track my calories. I am following this 500/1200 calories plan, where I eat one day 500 and the next 1200. This will be enough to cut my weekly calorie intake and keep me motivated and binge free.

For breakfast, I had two cups of black coffee and a medium orange. Oranges this time of year are so sweet, I love them. I am planning on having some grilled chicken for lunch and a oil free tomato salad for dinner. In the between it's water and starbucks vanilla-rooibos tea.

I'm not going to lie, I might have two cigarettes as well.

When it all began.

"Live fast, die young, bag girls do it well.." -M.I.A.
I am getting used to this song, it's pretty awesome. It's Saturday night, 11pm. Yesterday was nice, drinks at a cocktail bar, some more drinks at a rock bar and I was ready for bed. Boy kept looking at me, talking to me about snowboard and kept smiling. No move, nothing like that, although his friends kept giving him that looks (whatthefuck!dosomething) It's no good, I think I lost my interest... and to those of you who might wonder, no I don't want to be friends FIRST. If we become friends, we're staying like that.
Spiralling to this laziness, I spoke to the other boy (O). He is the one that shows he still cares about me, I told him I had some difficult weeks and he insisted he brinks a tequila bottle by my place when he comes in town on the 15th. I'm okay with that, I like tequila. And quite lately, I NEED tequila.

I was feeling blue today. So I wore my floral leggings and my loose grey shirt, made some pop corn, downloaded "The Dreamers" and opened that bottle of white wine my allergy pills didn't let me enjoy these past days.I instantly felt much better. The movie was amazing too.

Half a bottle later, I can tell you that I can spend time with myself and feel good. Luckily, cause I thought I was so boring lately..

Eye contact at the supermarket.

I cannot believe this day would ever come. I keep worrying about not studying and cannot come to realise this is free time. FREE TIME. Anyway, I started my day early today with a DNA lecture I wanted to attend. It was fascinating, although I didn't understand half of it. It was in English and all these professors came and the discussion after the presentation was heated. (I am not a nerd, yes I wanted to go shopping instead but I just couldn't miss it)

In other news, I started restriction. Big time. I need to loose these 5 kilos until Easter. I cleaned every inch of my apartment. I cooked this delicious salad for lunch. I got another allergy reaction. I'm getting ready for drinks with some girl friends and the boy and his friend.
Busy day no?

Tomorrow is the NO ALARM morning. Finally.

Over

Last minute revision for the last exam of the winter semester...everything is out of place, nail polish along with a red bull, my silver ring and black coffee...
I so need to clean when I get back!

Immunology exam, here I come.

xxx

February already

My allergy thing bothers me to sleep. I know, I know, the whole weekend I was complaining that I couldn't wake up because of the pills, but now I cannot sleep. Talking about general moodiness oh god.
Tomorrow I am giving my last exam. To fuck with that, I say. This has been my worst exam period ever. I really need the one week break after that. Not that I have big plans or something. I would ideally (since I'm not travelling abroad this time) close myself to a spa for two whole days and just escape from the world. But, even though I managed to save 400 euro this month, I am trying to save some money for the future (200 every month to another account is pretty doable). Yesterday I tried to think of my future and just couldn't. My mind was convinced that this is all I am and will be capable of; staying to this stupid town with small minded people, trying to finish university. I got scared because usually my dreams are big. (...moving to London, a master's degree, travelling around the world, a beautiful small flat with big windows, etc).

Two words. Panic attack. My stress is beyond awful and I need to relax. I am planning on taking 100 euro from these saving and buying the perfume, a fashion magazine along with a latte on Friday and chill at the Starbucks far away from my house, where no one can find me easily. Yes, that's what I will do. I will probably visit Zara too, if there's any money left. I didn't shop on Sales but why would I? My ass falls by the minute and my abs soon won't be visible.

I need to relax. Seriously this day...