Ignorance is bliss (the post)

The numbered post series is coming to an end with the emo/rant post. (quite long, rather boring)

You know, looking me as a person from a distance you can see two things:

• most people see this incredibly confident girl, with the big smile and the nice clothes, who has lived her teens to the fullest, travelled all around the world and (girls mostly) secretly wish to be like her. 
• but there are some people who see underneath this. they see a troubled girl with a fake smile, a shy and funny girl who tries to be perfect at all aspects but she's broken because something too troubling happened in her teens. somewhere between travelling around the world and living a very fortunate life, something intolerable for her happened. opinions vary: parents not loving her so much, anorexia, depression, a broken heart, suicide attempt, lesbianism (I've heard everything). 

But you know, I think I'm both these girls. Of course the incident that many people refer to isn't that clear. It's a mixture of a broken heart along with so little confidence. This past year so many things happened, both good and bad, and I'm struggling every day to find the perfect balance. I've mostly been a happy girl and I am really proud for achieving that. I'm not going to lie, two years ago I was so close to depression and I remember promising myself (you can probably find some posts in this blog) "you can go for three days straight and be happy" then "I wish I could feel happy for a week", etc. 

The reason why I chose to write such a post when I am supposed to be happy recently is that lately I'm getting so much hate/bad energy. Jealousy. And, to be honest, I don't think I deserve it. My friend is being really mean to me, some guys have been impolite (in a guys way) and I really haven't given them the right to do so. People don't react the normal way lately to me being single. Getting extra attention has bothered some of my "friends" and given some guys the right to act like I'm some sort of slut. The have this attitude like "well, you are single by choice, so you obviously like to fuck around". One of my dear girl friends said "you like to be some sort of mystery..like no one knows how to have you and you often are mean to guys, keeping everyone around". The fact that my commitment issues are bigger than (insert something really big here) doesn't seem to ring any bell. I obviously like to fuck around, at the same time I haven't had sex in like two years. Obvious slut, right?

I go out on dates, sure, I make out and get excited if I like someone and do everything a normal 22 year old does, it's just that I'm not comfortable to fuck any guy that buys me my cocktail. What is so wrong about that? If I meet a guy that I find interesting (not this prince charming shit, just a normal guy and not a freaking basket case) then I will definitely try a relationship. I get to decide though.

I don't understand why people are the way they are. Sure everyone has got their own problems, but why do they have to kick you down as soon as you start to feel nice?