Never again.

I woke up this morning, not very happy but in an acceptable good mood. Little idea did I have that a panic attack was on it's way.. Got dressed, took my books, my special K bar and my iphone and got out of the apartment feeling optimistic for the day ahead. University's library is usually so cold due to air conditioning so apart from two shirts and my sweatpants I wore a cardigan. Last look at my bedroom's mirror and I felt pretty.

An hour later, sitting at my usual table by library's window, having read two pages of my book I started feeling kinda hot. I thought everyone was looking at me. People reading at tables around me, wearing shorts, tank tops, I was all wrapped up feeling so huge and pathetic. E was coming in a few minutes, I could maybe feel safe. I comforted myself that these was period bloating and there was not much I could do.

I was feeling hot, my hands were shaking and I wanted to just die. I took my books, gave E a bye kiss and went to get the bus. The whole time until my stop I had my eyes closed. So tight,repeating myself I will get there, I will get home soon.

Finally got home, stripped off all my clothes, took a big breath and just sat on the cold floor for half an hour breathing heavily. Had a couple of cigarettes and now I am good again to start studying at my living room.

I don't want this to happen again. Never.