I had a while to cry of sadness. I'll tell you what, I really don't like it. I smoked today, too. People around me need a least amount of love to keep being around me, and I'm unable to provide such.

My sister tried to tell me some things this morning. They were all true, and I cried. Luckily she is 4 hours away by aeroplane so she didn't know I was crying.. She talked to me as a sister and as a psychologist. Both sides of her love me, I know that. And she is the person I love the most.

Oh, how I wish I could show that to her..

but I don't know the words, the actions.

So she told me that I should force myself to have a good time when I'm out, to live my life and enjoy it and not to think about everything too much. If only she could know what is going on in my mind, how my thoughts keep me away from living my life, how they interfere to my studies, my relationships, my image through the mirror.

This afternoon, after crying, after smoking, I couldn't even go outside to get a freakin' latte. I felt so ugly, disgusted at myself.

I seriously consider I might need help. On the other hand, with two Valerian pills and 9 hours of sleep (please no nightmares), I might change my mind and feel so, so much better...