SO! What I am constantly lately nauseated? Why I keep hating everyone including myself as long as I leave the house? Why don't I like myself even the least? And, above all, why do I keep panicking and can't breathe when I am alone in a crowd OR even with my friends for coffee?
1. I don't find myself AT ALL beautiful and I feel very VERY fat.
2. I panic about my university classes, well cause I'm failing to most of them.
3. I panic about people not caring about me.
4. I panic about not having a boyfriend, cause I can't give my feelings away and end up breaking up cause "I just don't care about us". When I do. But can't possibly show it. So I panic about me being apathetic to other people, especially men.
5. I panic when I can't tell my parents I love them back. But I do.
............
Please remember this day. Today I was bad to my close friends and yelled at them. For absolutely no reason. Today I felt so bad I wanted to get out of the class and lie down on the cold floor, alone. Today I ate chocolate twice and actually believed I deserved it.
(after midnight)
Today I decided I will stop panicking. Today I committed to myself that I try and stay happy (my mom's wish the last three years). Today I decided I stop eating. Today I decided to start studying and be the intelligent and caring student I once was. Today is 26/05/2011 and I'm so pissed at myself. I don't love me. Why anyone would want to care for such a person?? I really and honestly don't have an answer to this last one. But if bones and good grades can make me feel at least nice, this is what I'm doing.
I'm so exhausted of all the self-hating.
Really.
Well said darling, stay strong and be the person you want to be, I feel exactly like you these days..but we have to move on and just DO IT! Once you've made the committment, it is forever. xoxo
ReplyDeleteIt's okay girlie, we are going to get there and be fucking happy for once. stay strong
ReplyDeletexxo
Oh dear, not good.
ReplyDeleteDon't even think about other people or your family, think about you. You deserve a good life. No, in fact, you deserve a great life!! People here have struggled probably more than other people have in life, despite not even reaching our 30's yet.
Every day is a new day, take baby steps, one thing at a time, consistency, development, trying to reach that happiness and we might fail from time to time but at least we have a goal. Having some chocolate is not a death sentence, not doing well in school is not going to be on our grave stone ... ... Life is long and there is a tone of time to fix all the things we want to fix. :)
Be strong! *Sorry for the looong comment*
I'm sorry you feel this way. I have had a pit in my stomach and nauseous for a long time and I feel like I'm constantly panicking about my life.
ReplyDeleteI want to tell you to love yourself and be strong even though I feel like a hypocrite for being unable to take my own advice.
nevertheless just keep trying, keep fighting and hopefully someday we'll look back on these days as distant memories and see how far we've come.
at least I hope so...
Hang in there. Life is hard, but there are people who care about you whether you want them to or not. You may not care about you, but other do. Times get rough, but you have to keep pushing. Stay strong, beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThere will always be good days and bad days, and no reason for either. Ride through it and focus on you, because the most important person in your life is you. True friends will stick by you no matter what x
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm new but I can totally sympathize with your university related worries, today was my supposed deadline day and I haven't handed a thing in.. I hope things get better for you!
ReplyDeletexx
http://bigjumpsandjungledrums.blogspot.com/
Hey lady, I understand your sentiments. I would like to however let you know that even though it is hard, psychiatrists can reallllly help. I was to the point you are and beyond. Ready to die, ready to kill myself. I Panicked all the time for no reason, I couldn't control my moods or my actions. I pushed everyone away, my sister refused to live with me anymore, dropped out of college, cut, did tons of pills ect. I found out I have severe depression, bipolar and anxiety disorder. These are scary terms, but really it's just an imbalance in my brain chemicals. Im on meds now and I have hope. It may not seem like much, and I still have dark thoughts and feelings but Im back in control.
ReplyDeleteControl is good!
I wish you the best of luck, hang on, you will be ok and know when to ask for help!!
~M