Time is going by so fast. May is literally around the corner and I have mixed feelings about it. London has been the best thing that has happened to me in these couple of years. With the ups and downs. With the struggle and the parties. With the cocktails (had a couple of margaritas yesterday).
It's an eye-opener. Opportunities arise, ones you never thought of having. Career paths, shopping deals, interesting people, my sister; I'm sold. Leaving in about 15 days will be a very difficult task but it's all for the best because I will be back.
I've been extremely down the past days. After a serious conversation with my sister, I am feeling so much better. I am realising how it is to be normal inside your soul, and it's such a nice feeling. To let the happiness get you, to smile, to talk about your passions, to be loved. Letting your guards down. Fear has been holding me back. Fear of change, of letting people down, of people talking about my decisions...well guess what, people are ALWAYS going to talk. So I might as well be happy, because the people I am afraid of letting down are the people who ask me about only one thing: to be a happy person (literally a tear runs down). And this year I wasn't. I hate being a flat person. I hate trying to prove I'm smart by doing science, when all I want to do is work my ass off in a management/marketing company while getting certified as a yoga instructor. That's it, I said it.
I am afraid of changing a career path. But I am so exhausted by being in the science world, trying to prove I like it. I manage perfectly in there, yes, but I am not happy. I get panicked when I think that this might be for life (another tear, sorry guys).
We are all waiting for a reply from UCL. I really don't give a fuck about being accepted or not. It's a burden for me. My sister has helped me a lot, making it sound somehow doable, and insisted I go for it 'to rest my soul'. It breaks my heart that it is that obvious how unhappy I am inside my head to the people I love.
I have seen how it is to be happy and I want that. Why do I feel bad for this? I cannot handle any more pressure. Enough.
I've seen it too and it always feels just like freedom. Money and careers mean nothing if you don't feel free. Do whatever your heart tells you.
ReplyDelete/ Avy
http://MyMotherFuckedMickJagger.blogspot.com
♥
I wholeheartedly agree with Avy. In a similar situation, I was having such a hard time getting travel documents today. There were so many obstacles, I just wanted to quit and say "I'm not going. I'll stay home. It's too hard." But then everything worked out and I'm even more excited to go now. Sometimes when things may feel too hard or we're weary of change, that's what we need. I don't see you being the time of person to settle for not feeling happy. Take care dear.
ReplyDelete