Life Update (uni, diet, shopping)

Saturday already and I am counting the days until Thursday, secretly hoping everything goes well. I have my two exams that are super important to pass and will form my next year, so I kinda need all the luck I can have (along with plenty hours of studying).

My diet is going well, I suppose. I am really giving this whole healthy eating- healthy losing thing a chance. I am not dizzy anymore and I have lost two kilos in two weeks. Me and my dietitian talked and she asked me about my goal, because I believe deep inside she knows I am sort of disordered in that matter. I told her the truth, that my (first) goal is hitting 56 kilos. That is, 5 kilos down.
I just want to feel pleased and confident about myself, right? To gain my body back, because two years now it didn't feel like I owned my body- harsh, I know. So if 56 is a good point for me, yes I'll stop. I really don't want to play these ED games anymore... But, we'll see about that in a month or so, that I will hopefully reach 56-57.

I also did some shopping (finally!!). My Asos packages never really arrived over summer, but the guys over there were more than helpful and replaced everything for me. So I got this Cheap Monday jumpsuit, a pack of rings to layer (two or three at a time), an awesome pair of ankle boots and a Utility Jacket that will be helpful for fall. Now I just need an H&M and a Sephora when I will visit my hometown, and I will be ready for the new semester!

Really in love with Jessica Heart's style.

Both formal and informal, she's got it.

Diet-rambling

I haven't had a rambling post on here for aaaages, it feels. So I woke up a little chatty today, so there you go.
It's Wednesday morning, and I've already been three days on the nutritionist/diatitian diet. It's okay, I have lost 600 gramms (a little more than half a kilo that is) and my stomach has seriously de-bloated. I try to follow the timelines and the quantities although at lunch I eat a liiiiittle bit more, I think.
It's nothing too serious, I don't weight my food before I cook it -let's not be so uptight- and she has realised that I just need to be back on track. I am already feeling better and stronger with myself.

I got lost this summer. Well, I didn't even realise it was summer because of all the work that's why I am so relieved it's September already! August left me with a blunt feeling, that I can't do anything really. I was so tired of the laboratory and trying to succeed there (which I did) that I felt that I can't study anymore, nor can I lose any weight. It's almost how I was back then.. Feeling you are inside an ill situation, and cannot realise that things can change. Luckily, this time I didn't end up in the hospital.
Losing the weight, keeping my meal hours and waking up with a flat stomach (and so fucking hungry may I add) is giving me the power I needed. ED-like, but with milk, honey, meat, everything I need to keep my body functioning AND lose the weight. Now that's a deal!

I have kept it a secret from my friends though. Why? Because it's something so personal for me, talking about food. My mom and my sister know, and my mom is very happy about me making this (healthy, for a change) decision. I feel like when you put a problem out there people believe it's something to be discussed any time. So no, I don't to talk about my eating, my weight, my goals. I told my lovely landlord -she gave me the dietitian's number, her daughter is overweight and she's making some progress- and she told me she thought I wanted the number for a friend or something. When I told her I want to lose 6 kilos she was so surprised and asked if the dietitian agreed to help me with that. YES, she did :)

Finishing off with this post,
"Oh, as soon as you finish with the diet, you are going to gain all this weight back." It's probably the most ignorant thing I've heard. Of course, if you do a diet, 'finish' with it and then continue to eat as before, you will gain back all of it. Because your body functions in a certain way, so x amount of food and z of excrsise forms that. So a nutritionist will teach you to change your lifestyle a bit, your eating habits, for you to see change. And if you like what you see, if you feel more comfortable in it, keep those changes and add some splurges here and there, because yes, you are not longer on a diet.

Because 'eat for the body you want, not the body you have' is one of the healthiest ED quotes I've ever read.

Why minimalism?

First it was denim. Then the classic V neck t-shirt. Then, the little Apple gadgets. In black. Or white. Something about the clean cuts was making my heart beat faster.

My love for minimal, clear, structured things was a fact since I remember myself.

"Black, white and grey" was the answer to the 'whatsyourfavouritecolour' question. I couldn't possible pick one. "These aren't colours", I got told. Well, to me they are. And quite strong ones. Picking these colours as my main attire, they constitute the canvas where my personality can bloom and wander.

Convinced you yet?

some pictures from my Tumblr will explain better..

yes, do believe that one picture's worth 1.000 words

So that's new (the healthy way)

Today I met with a dietitian. I saw her a few months ago in my landlord's grocery store and had in my mind to call her. So I did. I was so nervous, so freaking nervous this morning. If you know what having an eating disorder feels like, a dietitian can be like meeting with a psychiatrist.

She could find out. If she does, she would probably ask me to seek therapy. But she's my only solution to achieve my goal: get skinny, skinnier, skinniest. I have tried so many years to lose the weight, I have risked my health, I have almost been hospitalized twice and I am at my heaviest. What that taught me? Look for a better solution. The right one.

Her first impression:
Opening the door, she asked me if I was Annamaria, the girl she was supposed to meet. She told me afterwards she expected a much heavier girl, that I am very toned and I don't have a 'problem'. (I know that) She agreed that we can work good to achieve my goals. First goal is losing 6 kilos, I told her. She okay with that.
My first impression:
Opening the door, I wasn't sure I remembered her correctly. She had cut her hair, that's for sure. But she was also skinny. SKINNY. Oh, how happy that made me. I find it so hilarious when dietitians are heavy or even overweight. But she wasn't normal, she was definitely underweight. And that's what I am looking for.

So on Monday I am starting. She said we can work with half or even one kilo per week, depending on my metabolism. I think it's too much to expect, but I feel optimistic. That will definitely not risk my health. So, why the fuck not.

"Why didn't I just stay at home?"

(WHY WEEKENDS edition)

How many times have I said that in my life, while locking the door behind me and taking my shoes off exactly in the middle of the hallway (where I will trip onto them as soon as I wake up the next morning- guaranteed).
Trying to become a social butterfly when you suffer from a mild agoraphobia isn't always exciting. You force yourself to go out, you have a nice time, but by the time you get home all these thoughts come back and haunt you. But this phrase isn't a night-time only thing. Let me explain.

Saturday noon. Me and my huge microbiology book at a cafe, where I am studying every day, trying not to think about today's being G's birthday. When I woke up I didn't realise it was weekend already, so I wasn't prepared of all the couples of people that would go for a saturday coffee/brunch. Why the hell didn't I think of that?? Three hours later, unable to concentrate to my book and having heard what happened to the girl next to me (her boyfriend didn't text her back -so much saturday drama :p), I was thinking about food. Balancing between eating just home cooked mushrooms or a 4x4 vegetarian pizza (hello, EDNOS) I decided to leave early and go get these damn mushrooms, among other weekend supplies.
While I was at the check out counter I heard a 'hey, what's up" behind me. It was E. Now, E hasn't been on this blog for a year or so. That's because she's my ex best friend, who lives right next to me. Here she was, smiling (half cute-half fake, just like my smile), holding her basket of things and being all skinny. I was always the skinny friend and she would copy every thing I did, from clothing to eating although she knew about my ED (I couldn't put up with it). And of course what did she do?? LOOKED AT MY BASKET.
Mushrooms, zucchinis, two yogurts for babies (hello, 'enhanced with iron') and a chocolate soy milk. That was the moment when I realised we could never be friends again. I don't know why exactly, but that stare of her made me furious. We just chit-chatted until I payed and then I left..

I got home, took my freaking shoes off in the middle of the hallway and cooked those damned mushrooms, while whispering 'why didn't I just stay at home today??' and thinking about the 4x4 pizza..