Hold your breath

Bad news continue to haunt me. This has been one shitty week, I have to admit. I have been feeling so blue, moody and a bit feverish. On top of things, my exams schedule is announced. I start on Friday, 13th January. Heartless much?

Of course I could see that coming, that's why I cancelled my snowboard holidays to France for this New Year's Eve. It's not that I was looking very much forward to it, but I always prefer snowboard to studying, who doesn't. I have very difficult courses this semester... Human Genetics, Evolution, Molecular Biology, Biotechnology, to name a few. They're actually 10 of them. Put me in your prayers, really...

The only thing that makes me happier just by thinking about it is that I will (maybe) go to London after the exams. I don't know how to call it, but I feel safe when I am there, I feel calm walking around London streets and cycling at the parks. Maybe it's because at the age of 15 I travelled there alone and made it to the town where my sister was with a suitcase and a train ticket. What was I thinking?

anyway, London always succeeds to get my mind off silly things. As soon as I book my plane ticket, I will make an appointment for a tattoo, too. I have thought of several things but I think I have settled. I wanted to have it on the inside of my left wrist but it's a full sentence so there won't be enough space for it.

Today I'm having black coffee and if I find the appetite I will have a mixed salad and a granola with yoghurt. Putting them together it will be around 650 cals. It's a number I like.

I like that font.

Explanatory post.

Let me just start by saying that I will not say where I live. Not that I have many followers from Europe, or from my country whatsoever, but with internet one can never know. I'll just say (once again) that I study on a little european island away from my home.

So. When I moved here, three years ago, I was a bit "spoiled" as a girl who had been almost all over Europe on trips for snowboard and summer holidays by the age of 18. My clothes are mostly from Topshop and Urban Outfitters (we don't even have an H&M) and I travelled to the USA last year, a dream some people here think it will never come true. And my friends from school were in the same situation more or less.

But most of the people I met here had never been on a plane, didn't know how to pronounce latte (OR what it was) and without realising it, I stood out a bit.

Let me give you an example. Once a friend of mine called a Mac computer ("ipod, but a computer"). It was very funny but eye-opening at the same time. Every time I went home for Christmas or summer I would get a bit depressed on what I took for granted in life.

Don't get me wrong. I don't come for a vastly rich family. I don't spend hundreds of euro just for fun and I didn't ride unicorns to school. I am just lucky enough to grow up in a big (extended) family where parents wanted to give their children the best (like every parent) but at the same time they were so strict to us to appreciate money. My first job was at a furniture factory when I was seven years old, during the summer. It was probably the easiest job ever, but the purpose was to be around different kinds of people and realise what it takes to make money. So I can surely say I am a down to earth girl, thanks to my parents.

Returning to the purpose of the post, some people made fun of me because I wanted "extraordinary things" (a cupcake-non existent here, a pilates class, sushi) or when I got seriously thrilled when I discovered there was a Starbucks nearby! I don't mind, the way I see it this is only a waiting room for me (quote stolen from some movie). I don't plan on staing here.

I'm going to live in London, maybe Rome but no, not here.

(say it 3 times cause it's true)

The fairytale's gone bad.

So it's true. I cannot function correctly when it comes to boys interested in me. I feel very confident around ANY guy that I think is my friend, I'm this "funny, interestingly weird girl" and when some of them decide to get more interested in me I suddenly become a "moody bitch who breaks hearts for a hobby". Nuff said.

I'm feeling so blue today. Yesterday, while gossiping at a sleepover, I learned so many things that have happened without me knowing. People lying, people fighting over me (wtf) and I don't want any of them. It's like they take so much energy from me.

Maybe if they all just leave me alone and go fix their problems first, maybe then I can fix mine and start smiling again. So many thoughts that not even sushi for dinner didn't cheer me up.

I updated my status "studying all night" and everyone can go to hell. I cannot be in the middle of their foolish games, I have a life, university, two fish, an ED and a scale to scare me taking care of them.

p.s. a note here, the guys I choose are ALWAYS strangers. this is what I want. someone outside of my everyday life, with friends and past of his own. I deny to choose among my friends for a relationship, it just not triggers me on that level. and no, I don't believe on people falling in love.

p.s.2 new post on Dark Romanticism :D

hey, you.

You're cuter than the cat.

Always post on a Sunday

Fucking fruit flies project is done. I still can't believe it, I was so deprived from sleep this past week due to it and along with the fake drama that has been following me lately the situation was horrible. Nevertheless, last night was a birthday dinner/clubbing one, and I sure had some (awkward) fun. I got to wear my new heels and drink so much.

Okay, fake drama related paragraph (*skip it if you want*). I think I somehow got involved in a love/sex triangle. Maybe it's a square, I'm really not that sure. My hands are tight, cause even though I don't care about my feelings, when it comes to hurting others (who actually believe in love) I become an extremely thoughtful person. I care for others so much because anyone who gets near me hurts my feelings, or worse, get their feelings hurt. I don't want to hurt people just cause I am a fuck up. That's why I go home alone every night. :)

New topic. Sushi! ohh.. I found a really lame chinese restaurant near my house that claimed to be making sushi. Many people here don't even know what sushi means so I was surprised they had it on the menu. I thought well, I should try a california maki roll with crab and it was delicious! Kinda salty, but at least average I have to admit. So now I know what my lunch will be from now on. I can live on avocado-cucumber-crab rolls. Yay, people!

are you motivated never to eat again? I am..pilates has toned me even more,

but if I don't loose some weight I'm never getting there..

In

No time for this either. Woke up and it was December, oh god.

I'm playing the anorexic. I always feel safe in this role. There are no remorse for doing it, no guilt for eating and of course the feeling of a dizzy head and flat stomach is so nice. I'm sorry if anyone of you find this triggering or wrong OR unacceptable and disgusting to think of.

Late night update: a few hours earlier one of my girl friends told me that she got inspired by me since we started to hang out. She eats healthier and tries to exercise more often. Well, yes, I was happy to hear that from her (since I like being a "personal trainer" at such topics and I ALWAYS give the correct advice to people when it comes to fitness and diets) but oh, the irony!

Especially today...

I want to go shopping so badly.