Get back up and do it again. And again.

When a job needs to be done, it might as well be done the right way. No excuses, lies, apologies, embarrassment. I started studying for the exams today. Wow, that's difficult. It is a must though.

Detox plan was abandoned first thing in the morning. Reason? No coffee allowed. What? No coffee no study my friend, so I started my diet right away. Four full months of dieting.

Me against myself this time. On exams, on my body.

Scale showed 58.6

(I'm counting in kilos, for the new ones)

the number was hard to watch. but I know now that summer is over I have a shot to eliminate this damage. I saw it happening, I can do it. I want skinny (repeat 3 times while touching your ribs).

http://olsensanonymous.blogspot.com/

is a very nice blog, I visit it a lot for inspiration. I love them, really.

*close your eyes and just imagine..

52 kilos, skinny jeans and long black shirt, a cross necklace and short leather jacket, converse, brown(red-ish) long straight hair. Walking outside in confidence. Books, pyjamas and a mascara for a weekend at his place. Late night drinks with friends. Happy time gossiping at university. Doing pilates on a Saturday morning. Group studying at friend's houses. Starbucks coffee and long walks at the old harbour on a sunny afternoon.

I know what a want until Christmas. DO YOU?

Clockwise .

I am at bed now. Exhausted.

I noticed I haven't posted my weight a long time now, neither have I talked about eating. It's difficult when you are at holidays to keep your eating habits, especially when caring parents are involved. Tomorrow I am doing a detox. I aim for three days, I may do two in the end. I want to balloon down a bit before I start this year's diet.

Everywhere around me I see friends, cousins, unknown girls who suddenly became skinny. And I wonder, what the fuck? Sister started weightwatchers. The counsellor asked her why does she want to lose weight since she has a healthy BMI. I mean, are you kidding me? What a stupid question to ask nowadays, in my opinion. She should know better, right??

Anyway. I feel good about myself. I always feel good at the beginning and then get screwed up. But I will try and stay positive. My nails are growing big again (a sign when I am not good with myself are bitten nails) and I painted them dark purple, just like old times. They look weird to me, I haven't seen them like that in a while.. I also placed my pills next to my bed. That way I will remember to take them. I have to take some vitamins too.

I also found the courage to tell sister the truth about my university grades. I know she will be supportive, she knows I wasn't very well last year.. it came naturally and I am glad I did it instead of having ANOTHER thing secret from the whole world.

It can sometimes get so tiring, all the lies, all the secrets..

When winter comes

So I came back for good. :)

Holidays are officially over for me, I am as tanned as I can get and I hope as fat as I will ever get.

Sad because my beta fish died yesterday.. we had an amazing year together but he got so sick that I was sure I wasn't going to see him again after summer. I came back and the next day he died. Mum said he waited to see me and then die. I like to think that could happen. I loved him and I know he loved me, not so sure though he could remember me singing to him over his tank.. I tried to feed him but I knew he was really really sick. I hope he had a great time living with me.

Looking back, holidays were special this summer. Not as happy as I wanted them to be, but I had a great time. I try to stay happy and relaxed because exams are coming. How cruel after holidays, right?

I try to count what has changed in my mind for this upcoming year:

1. Study hard for university. Enough said.

2. Eat little, eat healthy food (THIS way works to get to 52, nothing else)

3. Work out. Daily. Spinning, yoga (makes you calm), maybe pilates, anything.

4. Be social, happy, kind, flirty, caring.

5. Let yourself go in a relationship.

6. FIND A WAY TO STAY HAPPY

For you.

Sometimes all you need is a hug. Someone to call you pretty and give you a hug. Yes, this is more than enough, sometimes..

This post is dedicated to a very important person in my life. The one that means so much to me as a friend and a guy and the one who I've hurt the most in the past. I like to believe we two have a special something going on. Maybe some time in the future we will be together. Like, married or something. He is a true romantic and I'm well, not. Not even close enough.

He was the first to show me what strong feelings mean. And I smashed his heart to pieces. Cause I didn't care. I tried very much and for quite some years we call each other best friend -of the opposite sex.

Last night was the best night I've had this year. For 365 days, or nights, I was bored and bored and bored a little more. But yesterday he made me feel. Feel nice. And this is the nicest thing someone has done for me in quite some time. So, yeah, thank you. Don't ever leave my life..

A long dress, a brown shirt, 4 glasses of white wine and many relationship issues later, we both felt dizzy enough to laugh at -seriously- nothing and talk nonsence. I needed that.

I still have a large smile on my face. Enough said. Goodnight.

tomorrow I'm flying home

Last post from "summertime"

I decided to delete the post I wrote literally 2 minutes ago. I didn't like it's negativity. So instead there you go:

Goodmorning! Today, after a huge fight with all my family, I woke up at a huge house with four floors ALONE. Dad is at work and mom and sister are missing somehow. So I'm drinking my coffee old school: with you guys and my laptop.

Sunday I'm flying home. I tried so hard to leave early and now I think it suits all of us. Anyway I'm trying to stay positive.
Sister decided she's getting fat. Personally I think she is fine, just her thighs are quite bigger than rest of the body so she is freaking out and decided to loose 12 kilos. Mom is supportive somehow and sister registered to WeightWatchers. Good luck to her! She is so much prettier than me and if she loses 12 kilos she will be amazing.

What about me? Nobody cares about me, they don't even pay attention anymore when I talk about kilos. I want to lose 7 but who cares? I care and I'm sure you care :)


Dad just walked in. I'm closing this thing......kisses!!