Leave it.

Haven't posted for a while.

And yet I find the worst moment to do so. Oh, I feel so awful right now. Seriously, if I had a hole in my house I would lay there and cry until I starve myself to death. Mixed feelings. Sadness with anger and pathetic-ness.

I push myself too much. Being perfect, having friends, proving to my parents everything is perfect without me trying at all.. What the hell? I have done such a bad thing to myself. I don't need anyone to fill me with guilt and make me feel bad about myself, I'm doing it just fine on my own. So please. I don't beg for friendship. I don't care how many friends I have. Cause no one can care about you at the end. And I don't look for love, either. So I am alone. Surrounded by all this people in this smoky bar filled with people I know. I stare at the ground and wish for something to make me leave and never come back.

Honestly.

[Scale today: 56.8

Days till NY? 31 ]

I took two of my valerian pills just to be able to sleep.

I promise tmrrw I will make a happy post. It's shopping day anyway, I hope I find something that fits.

Goodnight.

Snow.

It really pisses me off when Youtube isn't working along! I am just looking for Depeche Mode's "Free Love". But no, I don't want a remix, I want the real deal. Why is it so hard to find?

I went to a spinning class this morning. Wow. It was absolutely amazing! I found some difficulties though, and I got all sweat and tired but I will surely do this again.

My intake is high today, approximately 1200 calories.. I went to the supermarket today so I always binge on the food I have bought. I could never shop a week's worth of food just cause I'll end up eating them all in one afternoon.

Apart from the tissue box, everything else came from the organic corner. I decided if I am going to eat I have to do it the healthy way. So I took organic cereals, whole-wheat pasta and organic mushrooms and tomatoes. I shouldn't have bought pasta, but it's better to cook my own thanhave delivered. Restaurants always put oil/butter and the sauce has so many chemicals. It's difficult to convince them I don't need the shredded cheese too. CALORIES, PEOPLE!

Anyway I'm rambling, I'm not supposed to. In a week I'm going for shopping. I have money to spend, I must buy pretty things, right?

So time for action.

last pieces of winter my way..

This is a tea post .

So neverfit asked what types of tea I like. The truth is that I like drinking in general. I mean even when I was little I used to drink all things I could find. I once drank four bottles of my cousin's syrup medicine. Yes my mom found me at the bathroom's mirror playing "bar" and made me throw up everything. Anyway I feel I'm getting off the topic..

So I have a tea cupboard. It is filled with boxes of every Lipton flavour, Oolong from a cute shop at London, some strawberry-red fruit flavoured tea from Rome. I love those tea shops whenever I'm abroad. They always have the coolest owners and nicest decorations and tea cups.

Oh! and thank you Belle for your nice comment!

You made me smile :)

Saturday night.

I really wanted to make a post so let's just point out some random facts cause I'm a bit tired.

1) I started biting my nails again. It's awful, I wish I could stop it, let them grow back nicely and have a dark purple manicure.

2) My days are full. I did it. But somehow I still manage to think about crazy stuff. At the bus stop, during class, around people.. I can really get distracted so easily. Working on it though.

3) My collarbones started to show a bit more. I'm still 57. Ugh. I want chest bones though.

4) I think about having a boyfriend. I think I want one. Not sure though, I don't want to hurt someone and then hurt myself. I still can't express love, I cannot feel it, I feel repelled from affection. So I have some doubts about a boyfriend in case it turns to a serious one. Fine, call it fear if you want.

5) I want some alcohol. I can't have any for the last three days as I'm getting 3 pills a day for an infection I have. I can have a drink again on Wednesday, I'll wait till then..

*any random questions I'll be happy to answer

have a lovely night*

meet Freja,

I love her.

Coffee makes everything better.

Why is it so damn difficult to get all my papers ready for the lifeguard diploma? I can't seem to understand. Anyway maybe it's for the best, maybe I actually reach 56.5 by then. At least.

Skipped morning class today. Oops! I had a costume party last night which was kinda weird. But went anyway. I wore an oh!-so-red long wig with a purple headband just to stand out from the Hawaiians, the Indians, the not-dressed ones, the babies, the witches and the fairies etc.

The DJ was dressed as Jesus. That was new!

And everyone kept asking me if the hair was real. Seriously? Or maybe I was blonde? I'm a brunette, people! So many people I haven't met before and yet it was a class party. I guess I don't spend much time with these people, oh never mind.

So I had a cup of red wine and half of Smirnoff North. Not bad..not bad.

Actually it was enough to start singing and maybe (maybe) a little dancing.

It was good overall.

fun? it was fun too. but don't loose focus

I need this. have a wonderful day*